Face Off
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Wilshire Clinic"A Whole New Identity
18 total reviews
Comment from ann marie mazz
hello gayle
I found this intriguing
it was a great opening chapter and beginning story
you take us to a place and scene that truly tells a tale
nice touch of the breakfast to which sets up the stage for the next chapter
thank you for sharing your talent
this was a nice read
ann marie
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2014
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hello gayle
I found this intriguing
it was a great opening chapter and beginning story
you take us to a place and scene that truly tells a tale
nice touch of the breakfast to which sets up the stage for the next chapter
thank you for sharing your talent
this was a nice read
ann marie
Comment Written 19-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2014
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Hi Ann Marie, thank you so much for the kind words. I just finished editing this one, and it's off to publish.
Thanks,
Gayle
Comment from snowwatt
I am a little lost, why did Zack have his new face done. There is nothing in the story that says that he needed any done. I can feel how Hali feels before her surgery. This story is very warm and it has kept me on my toes.
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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I am a little lost, why did Zack have his new face done. There is nothing in the story that says that he needed any done. I can feel how Hali feels before her surgery. This story is very warm and it has kept me on my toes.
Comment Written 29-May-2014
reply by the author on 29-May-2014
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This is the first chapter. Obviously more is revealed as we go on.
Comment from nor84
Sorry I haven't read your new book, but you know how it is here. Things are looking up. The monitor died, I got a new one (24 inches), and we don't have a doctors appointment until the end of the month. So here goes:
anything I say is meant to be helpful, but I think you know that. The word "unique" already implies incomparable. I haven't looked it up, but I think it means "one-of-a-kind, alone in the universe."
bone fractures suffered from direct blows to the face, could be said more briefly as facial fractures. "Different areas of diagnostics doesn't connect well with the rest of that sentence. I'd recommend saying "there expertise included reconstructive surgery for the treatment of birth defects, burns, facial fractures and other disfigurements." To me, that sounds like what they're doing, had of course that's the way I would say it and it doesn't mean you have to.
I'm not so sure the clinic would provide for all patient requests, and you might want to adjust that. Same thing with seeing patients as requested. I think clinic doesn't require capital unless you use the full name (the Wilshire Clinic). I'd probably start the sentence a little differently to tighten it: the clinic provided for its patients needs by including an in-house pharmacy, radiology department, and access to several physical therapists, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. I'm not familiar with the term "psychiatric therapist", so maybe I'm wrong about that. Unless it's important where that psychiatrist lives, it might be easier to say "who lived on the grounds".
I'm dictating this, so if something doesn't make sense, let me know.
Only at certain times did the late afternoon sun produce >>> I suggest At certain times the late afternoon sun produced
good description of the clinic building.
Only those who [utilized] (used) the [extensive] riding trails that wove through the [entire] area [actually] (ever) saw the house.>>> Anything in brackets suggests a cut and suggestions in parentheses are just that.
If Dr. Parisi is the owner, why is he only a resident? That means he hasn't completed his medical training. (A chief resident is first in the pecking order of residents, and works under the direction of a board-certified surgeon.) I'd call Parisi Director of Reconstructive Surgery, or maybe Director of Plastic and Reconstructive surgery. I don't believe reconstructive surgery always means plastic surgery.
The remaining [and much smaller number] (few)
The passenger in the [back right seat] (back seat) emerged
good dialogue.
Facilities Director[,] Mark Howard>>> no need to separate name from title with a comma.
Would [4pm] suit you?">>> Needs a space after the number.
I think when you do your final edit, you need to tighten a good deal. For example, "she gave a murmur of the scent and nodded" could be she murmured assent, or she nodded, but need not be both.
I'm going to take off my editing had, and if I see anything crucial, I'll let you know.
As Facilities Director, Mark Howard >>> in this case, of course, you do need a comma after director.
To the patient, in his mind,>>> I suggest the patient believed he'd won. Clich©s are creeping in: unable to take no for an answer; win hands down; nothing could be easier, etc.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Sorry I haven't read your new book, but you know how it is here. Things are looking up. The monitor died, I got a new one (24 inches), and we don't have a doctors appointment until the end of the month. So here goes:
anything I say is meant to be helpful, but I think you know that. The word "unique" already implies incomparable. I haven't looked it up, but I think it means "one-of-a-kind, alone in the universe."
bone fractures suffered from direct blows to the face, could be said more briefly as facial fractures. "Different areas of diagnostics doesn't connect well with the rest of that sentence. I'd recommend saying "there expertise included reconstructive surgery for the treatment of birth defects, burns, facial fractures and other disfigurements." To me, that sounds like what they're doing, had of course that's the way I would say it and it doesn't mean you have to.
I'm not so sure the clinic would provide for all patient requests, and you might want to adjust that. Same thing with seeing patients as requested. I think clinic doesn't require capital unless you use the full name (the Wilshire Clinic). I'd probably start the sentence a little differently to tighten it: the clinic provided for its patients needs by including an in-house pharmacy, radiology department, and access to several physical therapists, a psychologist, and a psychiatrist. I'm not familiar with the term "psychiatric therapist", so maybe I'm wrong about that. Unless it's important where that psychiatrist lives, it might be easier to say "who lived on the grounds".
I'm dictating this, so if something doesn't make sense, let me know.
Only at certain times did the late afternoon sun produce >>> I suggest At certain times the late afternoon sun produced
good description of the clinic building.
Only those who [utilized] (used) the [extensive] riding trails that wove through the [entire] area [actually] (ever) saw the house.>>> Anything in brackets suggests a cut and suggestions in parentheses are just that.
If Dr. Parisi is the owner, why is he only a resident? That means he hasn't completed his medical training. (A chief resident is first in the pecking order of residents, and works under the direction of a board-certified surgeon.) I'd call Parisi Director of Reconstructive Surgery, or maybe Director of Plastic and Reconstructive surgery. I don't believe reconstructive surgery always means plastic surgery.
The remaining [and much smaller number] (few)
The passenger in the [back right seat] (back seat) emerged
good dialogue.
Facilities Director[,] Mark Howard>>> no need to separate name from title with a comma.
Would [4pm] suit you?">>> Needs a space after the number.
I think when you do your final edit, you need to tighten a good deal. For example, "she gave a murmur of the scent and nodded" could be she murmured assent, or she nodded, but need not be both.
I'm going to take off my editing had, and if I see anything crucial, I'll let you know.
As Facilities Director, Mark Howard >>> in this case, of course, you do need a comma after director.
To the patient, in his mind,>>> I suggest the patient believed he'd won. Clich©s are creeping in: unable to take no for an answer; win hands down; nothing could be easier, etc.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2014
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Hey Norma, thanks for the read and review. Good ideas here, and I'll utilize then I do the next couple of edits. Thanks so much,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from TheWriteTeach
The beginnings of a new adventure. We know it is going to be exciting because it is already shrouded in mystery; foreshadowing perhaps?
As you mentioned in the author notes, this wasn't action packed, but it was still interesting, and we learned a lot of things and met numerous characters that, undoubtedly, we are going to need to know for future reference.
Overall, nicely done. I didn't notice any film that needed to be developed from a digital camera! LOL
Suz
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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The beginnings of a new adventure. We know it is going to be exciting because it is already shrouded in mystery; foreshadowing perhaps?
As you mentioned in the author notes, this wasn't action packed, but it was still interesting, and we learned a lot of things and met numerous characters that, undoubtedly, we are going to need to know for future reference.
Overall, nicely done. I didn't notice any film that needed to be developed from a digital camera! LOL
Suz
Comment Written 07-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jan-2014
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We're going to shift gears quickly, once we get the old truck moving! I really had to get a lot of characters out and figured I'd rely on my pan and scan ability and hope for the best.
Film? I did it again. God, I'm so OLD! Once I mentioned that they 'turned on the VCR' and my friend Freddie says, "VCR? Who has a VCR? You mean DVR!" We had a good laugh over that one, and it wasn't the last. Now, here we go again!
Deep sigh,
Hugs and love,
Gayle
Comment from irititall_bana
Well written and holds the attention. I can see where you said it starts slowly, but that happens sometimes when you are setting up a story. I really find the plot interesting and am excited to see where this story goes from here. A very good job.
Carolyn
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Well written and holds the attention. I can see where you said it starts slowly, but that happens sometimes when you are setting up a story. I really find the plot interesting and am excited to see where this story goes from here. A very good job.
Carolyn
Comment Written 06-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2014
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Hi Carolyn
I had to make a decision at the beginning - so much to get out to the reader, and already five characters to keep track of.
It's going to start moving along in the next couple of chapters
Comment from TervLass
Hi Gayle,
And a new adventure begins! A "little slow", as you say, but with a steady pace nevertheless. I like that although several characters are introduced, it is done with sufficient spacing allowing readers to let them settle into mind, perhaps thanks to that slightly slower pace.
One spot of uncertainty occurred upon reading, "and placed new guests according to suitability with existing patients". Given the strict guidelines outlined for each individuals privacy/protection, I was anticipating there would be no interaction between patient-guests. On the other hand, the text noted may not be referring to interaction of guests, but to "suitability" according to need, i.e, best placement for staff providing care-ratio/mix.
Already your title holds a curious possibility.
Cheers,
Helen (TervLass)
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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Hi Gayle,
And a new adventure begins! A "little slow", as you say, but with a steady pace nevertheless. I like that although several characters are introduced, it is done with sufficient spacing allowing readers to let them settle into mind, perhaps thanks to that slightly slower pace.
One spot of uncertainty occurred upon reading, "and placed new guests according to suitability with existing patients". Given the strict guidelines outlined for each individuals privacy/protection, I was anticipating there would be no interaction between patient-guests. On the other hand, the text noted may not be referring to interaction of guests, but to "suitability" according to need, i.e, best placement for staff providing care-ratio/mix.
Already your title holds a curious possibility.
Cheers,
Helen (TervLass)
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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Hey Helen,
So nice to see you! I figured the only way to get so many players on the canvass without dragging on too long. I'm into description, sometimes too much!
Now your comment about the new guests and everything. You're right. In keeping with the secrecy, they wouldn't do that! Okay, I'm going to rewrite that part - great catch, my friend!
Here's a thumb!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
Hello there. So nice to see you, my dear. I'm pleased to be here for the very beginning of a new book.
your friend EE is here.
The small but select medical staff included Dr. Scott Kellogg, known internationally as a wizard in facial reparation, including dental implantation, cleft palate and cheek and chin reconstruction. Between them, they specialized in a variety of burns, both chemical and natural and also repaired damage from IEDs, physical attack, explosions and car accidents.
Two additional surgeons, a specialist in ocular surgery and an internist, served those needs. An on-staff esthetician provided massage and a variety of management techniques for healing skin grafts or other skin ailments. Nurse Nora Considine supervised a staff of specialty nurses who came and went as the need arose.
Need to skip a line between the paragraphs.
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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Hello there. So nice to see you, my dear. I'm pleased to be here for the very beginning of a new book.
your friend EE is here.
The small but select medical staff included Dr. Scott Kellogg, known internationally as a wizard in facial reparation, including dental implantation, cleft palate and cheek and chin reconstruction. Between them, they specialized in a variety of burns, both chemical and natural and also repaired damage from IEDs, physical attack, explosions and car accidents.
Two additional surgeons, a specialist in ocular surgery and an internist, served those needs. An on-staff esthetician provided massage and a variety of management techniques for healing skin grafts or other skin ailments. Nurse Nora Considine supervised a staff of specialty nurses who came and went as the need arose.
Need to skip a line between the paragraphs.
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 05-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 06-Jan-2014
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Hey Heidi! Wow, so good to see you! Yes, EE reigns supreme, for sure. I will get another line space in there.
Sure great to see you, my friend. Please come back!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
When one has no opportunity to enjoy the exquisite 'rich' privileges in this world, it can be quite pleasant to read about it. I am always fascinated by other societies and other levels of society. Even in fiction stories one can gain some understanding of the privileged life. Your characters are unusual for me and very interesting, Giddy
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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When one has no opportunity to enjoy the exquisite 'rich' privileges in this world, it can be quite pleasant to read about it. I am always fascinated by other societies and other levels of society. Even in fiction stories one can gain some understanding of the privileged life. Your characters are unusual for me and very interesting, Giddy
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 05-Jan-2014
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Hi Giddy,
We agree on that one! I love to read about the rich, where they go, what they eat. We're not alone, either, considering the raving popularity of the Kardasians, et al, lol.
I hope you'll continue to read along. I think you'll enjoy it!
Thanks,
Gayle
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Ooh, cringe...I'll be there! Giddy. (Gayle too, in real life.)
Comment from shelley kaye
yes, it was kind of slow.... but then again, sk's books sometimes start out slow too lol :-)
anyway, must be nice to be rich.... this looks like it's going to be an interesting story. can't wait to see what amy and tony are up to! ;)
didn't notice any spaggies or typos (but then ya probably found 'em by now lol!
can't wait to read more :-)
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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yes, it was kind of slow.... but then again, sk's books sometimes start out slow too lol :-)
anyway, must be nice to be rich.... this looks like it's going to be an interesting story. can't wait to see what amy and tony are up to! ;)
didn't notice any spaggies or typos (but then ya probably found 'em by now lol!
can't wait to read more :-)
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Hey Cali Gyrl, you know me, get the pan and scan out there right away so I don't need to fill in the blanks later.
Thanks so much, my friend, another out this afternoon!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Liz Dunbee
Very interesting. Certainly evoked enough curiosity for the reader to want to know what happens next. Well written with good descriptions. I could picture the place and the characters perfectly.
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Very interesting. Certainly evoked enough curiosity for the reader to want to know what happens next. Well written with good descriptions. I could picture the place and the characters perfectly.
Comment Written 04-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 04-Jan-2014
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Hi Liz,
Thank you so much for the great comments and stars. I'm putting out another chapter today and we'll get into more depth of subject.
Thanks!
Gayle
