Happy World
Poem for peace34 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good edits. Since the fanstory editor does not do dashes, I recommend two hyphens so it looks like a long dash. Also, the second line should not have a cap unless preceded by a period.
First review (FOUR stars)
Namaste Dipanjanm. Warm Welcome to Fanstory!
This has a great thematic content...idealistic (I
m one too) and optimistic (I am too). It sounds so easy but in fact, it is a very complex issue to get human beings to realize simple things!
As far as critique--I do think the style of punctuation and caps does not suit the poem optimally. I recommend using only sentence style capitalization (so the enjambement between lines is immediately obvious and the reader does not have to think about it) and using a dash instead of semicolon (to make the pause more dramatic and the flow more fluid).
With suggested edits:
Let's stop all the wars,
hold hands and start again fresh--
to find happiness.
I like the slant rhyme feel of fresh and happiness.
Love the concept. Jai SHANTI AUM!
Would be happy to re-review (and re-rate) if you decide to make revisions. In a succinct 5-7-5 poem, every choice counts a lot...thus my honest rating is a four, as I think this can still be fine-tuned.
Namaste, rd
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Second review
Good edits. Since the fanstory editor does not do dashes, I recommend two hyphens so it looks like a long dash. Also, the second line should not have a cap unless preceded by a period.
First review (FOUR stars)
Namaste Dipanjanm. Warm Welcome to Fanstory!
This has a great thematic content...idealistic (I
m one too) and optimistic (I am too). It sounds so easy but in fact, it is a very complex issue to get human beings to realize simple things!
As far as critique--I do think the style of punctuation and caps does not suit the poem optimally. I recommend using only sentence style capitalization (so the enjambement between lines is immediately obvious and the reader does not have to think about it) and using a dash instead of semicolon (to make the pause more dramatic and the flow more fluid).
With suggested edits:
Let's stop all the wars,
hold hands and start again fresh--
to find happiness.
I like the slant rhyme feel of fresh and happiness.
Love the concept. Jai SHANTI AUM!
Would be happy to re-review (and re-rate) if you decide to make revisions. In a succinct 5-7-5 poem, every choice counts a lot...thus my honest rating is a four, as I think this can still be fine-tuned.
Namaste, rd
Comment Written 31-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Thanks for the review. Very helpful one.
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Happy to help. Most welcome. ;)
Comment from Lynette Marie
This piece has great flow. It's an excellent entry for the 5-7-5 contest. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do away with war? A lovely poem with an important message.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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This piece has great flow. It's an excellent entry for the 5-7-5 contest. Wouldn't it be nice if we could do away with war? A lovely poem with an important message.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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I believe we are the one who can stop war
Comment from Roo4U
The message was direct, clear and simple! The peace symbol was a nice touch. I realize that sometimes the simpler the better when it comes to messages; however, I feel as if I am reliving a Beatles tune. Thanks so much! Nice job! KS
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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The message was direct, clear and simple! The peace symbol was a nice touch. I realize that sometimes the simpler the better when it comes to messages; however, I feel as if I am reliving a Beatles tune. Thanks so much! Nice job! KS
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Could you pls tell me what to improve, that would be very helpful.
Comment from dancerwriter
This is a very good thought to have now at Xmas time, and . we only hope many will also think the same way.I am not sure whether the picture shown does really give it the right affect to show the meaning of the words.Unless I am missing something here. Lesley.J.Mooney.(Dancerwriter)
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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This is a very good thought to have now at Xmas time, and . we only hope many will also think the same way.I am not sure whether the picture shown does really give it the right affect to show the meaning of the words.Unless I am missing something here. Lesley.J.Mooney.(Dancerwriter)
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2013
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Could you pls tell me what to improve, that would be very helpful.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
You mean we'll chuck rocks and sticks at each other instead of bombs and bullets? MAN is simply not a peaceful creature. Ask any parent of two or more children. :D Nancy
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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You mean we'll chuck rocks and sticks at each other instead of bombs and bullets? MAN is simply not a peaceful creature. Ask any parent of two or more children. :D Nancy
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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I just believe peace in human attitude could make this world a better place. Thank you.
Comment from c_lucas
Happiness comes from the heart, not the social environment. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Happiness comes from the heart, not the social environment. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Happiness should be everyone's.... all smile and no cry...
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True
Comment from Zue65
The art work complemented well your plea for stopping the war, as your poem did in driving out the message to the readers. The poem complied with the syllabic count of the 5-7-5 poetry. Well done and God bless.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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The art work complemented well your plea for stopping the war, as your poem did in driving out the message to the readers. The poem complied with the syllabic count of the 5-7-5 poetry. Well done and God bless.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Thank you
Comment from MM lives on :)
Let's stop all the wars, (right on about that)
Hold hands and start again fresh; ( a new beginning)
To find happiness.
a nice short poem about finding world peace, well done!
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Let's stop all the wars, (right on about that)
Hold hands and start again fresh; ( a new beginning)
To find happiness.
a nice short poem about finding world peace, well done!
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Thank you
Comment from Dustman6180
You sure got this entry in early. Your 5-7-5 poem is in perfect form, and your words get your message across clearly. I'd love to see President Obama and Kim Jong-un holding hands.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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You sure got this entry in early. Your 5-7-5 poem is in perfect form, and your words get your message across clearly. I'd love to see President Obama and Kim Jong-un holding hands.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Thank you
Comment from michaelcahill
I am in favor of this whole heartedly. I believe, as I thing you do that it is this simple. People, not governments, have to decide as one that they are not going to war with each other anymore. Then it will stop. I like this piece very much. Well done. mikey
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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I am in favor of this whole heartedly. I believe, as I thing you do that it is this simple. People, not governments, have to decide as one that they are not going to war with each other anymore. Then it will stop. I like this piece very much. Well done. mikey
Comment Written 29-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2013
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Thank you
