Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Heidi and Queen Deana"Science fiction.
18 total reviews
Comment from emptypage
Shit, Bill, this was tough. Very well written, but, damn, boy, you have a wicked creepy grip on crazy.
The soullessness of the guard was well described and then demonstrated. Likewise the self-involvement of the warden.
Orange is the New Black this ain't.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Shit, Bill, this was tough. Very well written, but, damn, boy, you have a wicked creepy grip on crazy.
The soullessness of the guard was well described and then demonstrated. Likewise the self-involvement of the warden.
Orange is the New Black this ain't.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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I used Heidi to further define the warden and Queen Deana.
Comment from Axiom Gray
Wow! This was so amazing. Poor Heidi! She was so sweet and semi-innocent. Queen Deana is a powerful villain. I loved it!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Wow! This was so amazing. Poor Heidi! She was so sweet and semi-innocent. Queen Deana is a powerful villain. I loved it!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Danka, Herr Gray, fur der grosse review.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello,
I like your description of the tattoo, but I was confused, thinking it was her real skull that showed with worms crawling through it.
I feel bad that she probably was murdered. Is this the same story with the women that were raped and killed in prison?
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Hello,
I like your description of the tattoo, but I was confused, thinking it was her real skull that showed with worms crawling through it.
I feel bad that she probably was murdered. Is this the same story with the women that were raped and killed in prison?
Comment Written 17-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Yes, this is the same prison that Sophia, Diane, and Linda were all in once.
Comment from Meia (MESAYERS)
Queen Deana pulled Heidi to her face again and ran her huge tongue up the woman's chin, cheek, and eye. She continued the slimy movement to Heidi's ear and whispered, "Then this should only take a few hours."
Billy could hear the screams for two or three hours as he toured the cell blocks. For two more hours, only moaning was heard. By one a.m., he could hear the sound of snoring coming from the cell, as he passed by. He would wait until the morning tour with the others, to inspect the cell more closely. He was hungry now. It was time to eat his sandwich.' I DESPERATELY wish I had a six for this, such amazing descriptions this had me hooked just from the terrifying picture, God this is probably the most horrific write on here I have ever read I ADORE IT! This is going in my bookcase, sure you are a true genius! Love Meia x
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Queen Deana pulled Heidi to her face again and ran her huge tongue up the woman's chin, cheek, and eye. She continued the slimy movement to Heidi's ear and whispered, "Then this should only take a few hours."
Billy could hear the screams for two or three hours as he toured the cell blocks. For two more hours, only moaning was heard. By one a.m., he could hear the sound of snoring coming from the cell, as he passed by. He would wait until the morning tour with the others, to inspect the cell more closely. He was hungry now. It was time to eat his sandwich.' I DESPERATELY wish I had a six for this, such amazing descriptions this had me hooked just from the terrifying picture, God this is probably the most horrific write on here I have ever read I ADORE IT! This is going in my bookcase, sure you are a true genius! Love Meia x
Comment Written 17-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2017
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Thank you, Meia, for the incredible response to this chapter. This is the point where I began thinking that this story should have originated in the prison, as it returns there many times.
Comment from nomi338
Ugh, I would rather take a bullet to the head than be tortured like that. I have the greatest fear of the monster I would become if I were ever pushed to the limit like that. In my youth I came very near to that. The pressure ended at just the right time, otherwise, who knows what might have happened.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Ugh, I would rather take a bullet to the head than be tortured like that. I have the greatest fear of the monster I would become if I were ever pushed to the limit like that. In my youth I came very near to that. The pressure ended at just the right time, otherwise, who knows what might have happened.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Prisons are not recommended for health or happiness.
Comment from apky
I am certain they would be very receptive,(+ ") said the Warden,
"Then this should only take a few hours."
~ by this time I was beginning to tremble inwardly myself.
A great story, Bill, that led me on and then gave me a jolt by turning quite the opposite of what I'd thought it to be.
Well done.
Apky
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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I am certain they would be very receptive,(+ ") said the Warden,
"Then this should only take a few hours."
~ by this time I was beginning to tremble inwardly myself.
A great story, Bill, that led me on and then gave me a jolt by turning quite the opposite of what I'd thought it to be.
Well done.
Apky
Comment Written 16-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2017
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Thank you, apky, for the kind and helpful review. Bill
Comment from loismddavis
though I did not like your story and was saying "surely not" to myself while reading it I give you that it was well written. Prison is a terrible thing to endure but surely not everyone loses humanity totaly
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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though I did not like your story and was saying "surely not" to myself while reading it I give you that it was well written. Prison is a terrible thing to endure but surely not everyone loses humanity totaly
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Thank you, Lois, for looking beyond your initial revulsion. Not all the chapters are so vial, but the next couple will be violent.
Comment from lotgrinder
You should write more from the bone and not hold back. This is sort of a sick, sexual, and perverted story, so why not take the shackles off your writing and say exactly what you want to say in the writing. Get as filthy as your mind really is, I can tell when someone like you is teetering around the edge or thinking about crossing the line, but doesn't have the balls to do it. I found the "blessing" reference to kind of be corny, but found the overall detailed description of Queen Diana to be really good. I can honestly say that out of every chapter I read so far on this site, I would not read the next, but yours I would, mainly because I'm a filthy fucking pervert myself. Good luck with the piece.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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You should write more from the bone and not hold back. This is sort of a sick, sexual, and perverted story, so why not take the shackles off your writing and say exactly what you want to say in the writing. Get as filthy as your mind really is, I can tell when someone like you is teetering around the edge or thinking about crossing the line, but doesn't have the balls to do it. I found the "blessing" reference to kind of be corny, but found the overall detailed description of Queen Diana to be really good. I can honestly say that out of every chapter I read so far on this site, I would not read the next, but yours I would, mainly because I'm a filthy fucking pervert myself. Good luck with the piece.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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I let people who can't finess words use the cocksucking, motherfucking, shit eating, terms that any high school freshman could rattle off. As an adult, I choose to call a spade a shovel-shaped, shadow-of-death image. Thanks for the lowball review. Never try to fill an inside straight.
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I actually gave you the best review of anyone on this website, I said I would read your next chapter. It is not my fault you lack balls. Take my advice in "Don't Try" when you write. You'll improve. Good luck!
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I appreciate your point of view, but I find that sewer dialog limits my credibility. Honestly, any rapper, drunk on a barstool, or sitting president could use gutter language. My testicles hang fine and I can get prudes and shock jocks alike to review and approve my storylines.
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Sewer dialogue builds credibility. An idiot tries to church up his work with big words to impress a small few, while the genius caters his message to the masses and makes it easy to understand. There's a nation full of men and women that aren't getting fucked or sucked off like they deserve to be, so I'm all for that guard doing what he has to do to get the job done on him. You can do better than copping out and using some shit word like "blessing" to describe the debauchery going on. And lets be honest. No prude or jocks are reading your work. They're not reading my work. We're nothing right now. Probably going to be nothing for a long time. If we all just pussyfoot around and offer one another half hearted reviews with 4,5, and 6 stars no one is going to improve. You may be getting upset with the only friend you have on this site. Again, good luck.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Author continues keeping the crime and punishment environment in the fiction introducing new characters to expose how diverse living could be; here both experience jail is no fun anymore; I liked.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Author continues keeping the crime and punishment environment in the fiction introducing new characters to expose how diverse living could be; here both experience jail is no fun anymore; I liked.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2017
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Thank you, ALD, for the excellent review. Bill
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Bill,
This was a deeply disturbing read, describing what could easily take place in the cruel prison system.
I'm going to take awhile to fall asleep tonight - and this, of course, pays tribute to your abilities as a writer, sir!
A well written piece - no spags that I could see. :)
Sonali
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2013
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Hi Bill,
This was a deeply disturbing read, describing what could easily take place in the cruel prison system.
I'm going to take awhile to fall asleep tonight - and this, of course, pays tribute to your abilities as a writer, sir!
A well written piece - no spags that I could see. :)
Sonali
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2013
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Thank you, Sonali, for giving this a look. Bill
