Mango's Fifth Birthday
A Mango and Bert story33 total reviews
Comment from vkmack
What a sweet and simple story with some important lessons. I was reminded of the stories my mother read when we were children and of those I read to my nephew. Your characters are well-drawn and lively enough to keep the attention of both children and adults. It's enjoyable and has great imagery, too. I thought you did a great job, and I can see why it's a nominee.
I noticed just a couple of tiny things. I hope that's okay.
"You're five and you must go to school." You need to insert a comma after five to separate your independent clauses.
"Mango, with her brown Beagle eyes looked at her teacher." You left out your second comma. Insert the other after eyes, as that ends your parenthetical phrase.
"She learned two lessons that day; how to do her fractions and that she shouldn't be selfish." Here, you want a colon, not a semi-colon. A semi-colon separates two independents clauses, but you are introducing your "list." Easy fix. Just insert that colon where the semi-colon is.
Such minimal things. This is worthy of publication. I hope you are pursuing that. Kids would love it. I did, too. I have some godchildren who would adore this.
Good luck in the contest, my friend!
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2013
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What a sweet and simple story with some important lessons. I was reminded of the stories my mother read when we were children and of those I read to my nephew. Your characters are well-drawn and lively enough to keep the attention of both children and adults. It's enjoyable and has great imagery, too. I thought you did a great job, and I can see why it's a nominee.
I noticed just a couple of tiny things. I hope that's okay.
"You're five and you must go to school." You need to insert a comma after five to separate your independent clauses.
"Mango, with her brown Beagle eyes looked at her teacher." You left out your second comma. Insert the other after eyes, as that ends your parenthetical phrase.
"She learned two lessons that day; how to do her fractions and that she shouldn't be selfish." Here, you want a colon, not a semi-colon. A semi-colon separates two independents clauses, but you are introducing your "list." Easy fix. Just insert that colon where the semi-colon is.
Such minimal things. This is worthy of publication. I hope you are pursuing that. Kids would love it. I did, too. I have some godchildren who would adore this.
Good luck in the contest, my friend!
Comment Written 09-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2013
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Worthy of publication?? WOW. My dream! That's the best line of review I could get. Do you really thinks so? Amazing you would think that, thank you. I'm going to look at all corrections and suggestions and try to find out how to pursue that.
Any help you could message me about that would be greatly appreciated. I'm totally green.
John
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Yes! I really think so. Sorry, but I'm a little under the weather, so I'm just checking in.
Google this: C Hope Clark blog.
I don't know her at all, but I signed up for her funds for writers newsletter long ago. She lists all sorts of publishers looking for new authors in the letter, and it goes out each week. She also lists contests and things of that nature.
A friend of mine, Angela Shelf Madearis, published a children's book years ago called Pickin' Peas for a Penny. She quit her job and went to work doing that. I just labor away editing others works. lol
See if you can find any outlets for children's stories. Check the newsletter that Hope Clark does. There are some children's magazines that would take it quickly. I read Cricket as a kid, then called Cricket on the Hearth. It was wonderful.
http://www.cricketmag.com/submissions
And here is a blog with some lists to pursue. You can see if any of these mags look good to you. If you do that and have a stock of characters, you can make some good pocket change.
http://www.evelynchristensen.com/magsF-O.html
Or you can just see which book publishers might be interested. That can take as long as two years, but it might be worth it. Like I said, I know two little boys who would love this story.
Being green shouldn't cause any hesitation. Just go to work and decided what you want to do. There may even be a local press at a university or something of that nature that takes children's stories.
Let me know what you find out.
Sorry for the delay. I thought your characters were just charming!
Thanks again. Have a great day!
Vista Kay
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That's an awful lot of info. Thank you Vista. I really appreciate you time and effort forces ending me this. Hope to help you one day... John
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I am sure you will, John! It was a pleasure. You go for it and let me know. See who is looking for great kid's stories. I know you have more than one in you, and this one is wonderful.
Have a great night!
Vista Kay
Comment from Daedalia
This is a great story for kids. I think my boys would have enjoyed it. I don't know a lot about style for kids' books but opening with "This story is about..." felt a bit odd and fractions might be a bit difficult for a 5-year old (but who knows - dog years are different than human years after all!). I loved the characters and especially the teacher's name! Was she an owl? I think you might have hit on something here. You could easily continue with these characters and this setting - it has great potential to be a very successful series.
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2013
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This is a great story for kids. I think my boys would have enjoyed it. I don't know a lot about style for kids' books but opening with "This story is about..." felt a bit odd and fractions might be a bit difficult for a 5-year old (but who knows - dog years are different than human years after all!). I loved the characters and especially the teacher's name! Was she an owl? I think you might have hit on something here. You could easily continue with these characters and this setting - it has great potential to be a very successful series.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 10-Dec-2013
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Thank you. Been working crazy hours. Sorry it took a while to respond. John
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi John,
you are truly on a winner here my friend, I know I've said it before, but this is your niche, and you're evolving all of the time.
Fun, educational and with real values. It seems that I could have used this book when I was young... I can't remember having stories read to me or even being encouraged to read... so books like the one you are creating are a must... both for the children that get to hear the fun and adventure in the story, and for the parent or teacher that reads from it... all will benefit, for reinforcement is definitely the key to learning.
Love this story!
Kindest thoughts,
James
******Stars!!!!!!
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013
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Hi John,
you are truly on a winner here my friend, I know I've said it before, but this is your niche, and you're evolving all of the time.
Fun, educational and with real values. It seems that I could have used this book when I was young... I can't remember having stories read to me or even being encouraged to read... so books like the one you are creating are a must... both for the children that get to hear the fun and adventure in the story, and for the parent or teacher that reads from it... all will benefit, for reinforcement is definitely the key to learning.
Love this story!
Kindest thoughts,
James
******Stars!!!!!!
Comment Written 28-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2013
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Jumbo... Sorry it took so long to get back to you to say thank you for one of the best reviews I've received here on the site.
Words of encouragement go much further then the stars (although they are a fantastic ego boost).
I'm going to try and develop Mango and Bert further. Hopefully they'll be discovered and make me a millionaire. They'll have plenty of Kibbles and Bits to eat after that.
Thanks again my friend. John
Comment from Jax Appleby
Very cute! I think this piece is great, and I loved it. Just the perfect story for little ears to take in and understand.
I have two issues with it, though:
In the paragraph, "Going to school was much more fun..."
the sentence, "They even took field a trip..." should be '...a field trip...'
In the sentence, "Mango responded slowly,"I suppose."
needs a space between "slowly, and I I supposed so..
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Very cute! I think this piece is great, and I loved it. Just the perfect story for little ears to take in and understand.
I have two issues with it, though:
In the paragraph, "Going to school was much more fun..."
the sentence, "They even took field a trip..." should be '...a field trip...'
In the sentence, "Mango responded slowly,"I suppose."
needs a space between "slowly, and I I supposed so..
Comment Written 25-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2013
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Thank you Jax for reading and reviewing. I appreciate the corrections. The "field a trip" one I did previously correct but must not have saved it. Oh well.
These characters are in my plans to develop and hopefully publish in a book, God willing.
Thanks again, John.
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You're very welcome
Comment from N.K. Wagner
Big ones, too, John. A great story to ease a little one over the worries of going to school. I like Mango and Bert. Great characters. :) nancy
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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Big ones, too, John. A great story to ease a little one over the worries of going to school. I like Mango and Bert. Great characters. :) nancy
Comment Written 24-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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Thank you Nancy for the generous six star rating. I appreciate them, but more I appreciate your encouraging review.
John
Comment from persevere
A charming story that will delight children. It seems a very early stage at which to introduce math but the story makes the point that this subject causes some pupils some concern.I love the animal mix of these first graders but I wonder about the classification of Mrs Snodwhimple.
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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A charming story that will delight children. It seems a very early stage at which to introduce math but the story makes the point that this subject causes some pupils some concern.I love the animal mix of these first graders but I wonder about the classification of Mrs Snodwhimple.
Comment Written 24-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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Being a math teacher you would know. What would be a difficult subject for that age? Maybe subtraction? What did you mean about the classification of Mrs Snodwhimple? I'm trying to get as much reality into this even though it's all animals. Thank you for any feedback. JohnTha
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Yes I think subtraction would be more suitable. Maybe you'd like to refer to subtraction as 'take aways'. My father in law, also a teacher used to use this term! What kind of animal is Mrs Snodwhimple? Perhaps a fox, a sheep dog,a pig.I think it would add to the story to give her an animal label. I wasn't meaning to be critical..I love your story.
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Trust me, I did not take it as critical. I wasn't sure what you meant, and you gave it a great point. I remember "take aways".
Comment from IndianaIrish
Hi John. I'm so glad to see your continued work with your children's stories. I know you've said for a long time writing kid stories is your dream.
I think it would help the reader when reviewing if you add a note at the top or in your notes what age group is your target. If they have kids or are a teacher for kids in your age group, they'd be able to help you more. I'm assuming since you're using the start of school that you might be targeting five to six year olds? If so, you might want to go over the story looking just for words that might be difficult for your audience. For example, would they know what interfere, difficulty, annoyed, or selfish is?
I think maybe you should show more anger from Mango like stomping her paws and use some ex clarion points. Also, Mango tells Bert she will wait for her teacher to help her, but she tells the teacher Bert helped her.
One question ... Would kids that young know about fractions yet? I know we didn't learn until later in school but I still think they might not do fractions right away.
We'll (Well), you'll be just fine.
They even took field a trip to the woods. (Switch the "a" to before field)
Smiles,
Karyn : )
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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Hi John. I'm so glad to see your continued work with your children's stories. I know you've said for a long time writing kid stories is your dream.
I think it would help the reader when reviewing if you add a note at the top or in your notes what age group is your target. If they have kids or are a teacher for kids in your age group, they'd be able to help you more. I'm assuming since you're using the start of school that you might be targeting five to six year olds? If so, you might want to go over the story looking just for words that might be difficult for your audience. For example, would they know what interfere, difficulty, annoyed, or selfish is?
I think maybe you should show more anger from Mango like stomping her paws and use some ex clarion points. Also, Mango tells Bert she will wait for her teacher to help her, but she tells the teacher Bert helped her.
One question ... Would kids that young know about fractions yet? I know we didn't learn until later in school but I still think they might not do fractions right away.
We'll (Well), you'll be just fine.
They even took field a trip to the woods. (Switch the "a" to before field)
Smiles,
Karyn : )
Comment Written 23-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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Hey there Spud... I think I'm onto something here with Mango & Bert for a continuing series of stories. Each with a "moral to the ending" or lessons to be learned. What'ya think?
Cindy gave me a "Children's Writer's Word Book" last Xmas, I have to review that and make sure I'm at that 1st/2nd grade level.
One reviewer, a retired teacher mentioned third grade is like a transition year when many students begin the intermediate level of reading and this type of book would bore them (sounds like that would have been Cindy, she devoured books). So I need to be careful.
This refered to your point of letting the reviewer know the level this is geared for.
I need to look at the fraction issue you pointed out. Maybe substitute that with subtraction or another subject.
I'll look at the Bert/teacher helping oops, or cjarify it better.
Thanks for the great review. I miss you reading and really getting into my stuff. God knows I can use all the help I can get.
Thanks again... I'll go back and rework this story and I'm working on another as well.
When are you going to post again?
John
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You know I've always been supportive of your kid stories, John. It's where you shine and where your heart is. Go for it and give it your all! Do all you can to get feedback so when you go for publishing, you'll be confident. Do you know anyone with kids aged 5-6 whose parents can read to them your stories and find out any words they don't understand or places their attention is lost that you can spice up?
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Oops ... Clicked sens too soon.
There's all kind of books and free help when writing children stories and the modern you learn, the more you will succeed.
I've been having trouble with my vision this past month that makes reading and writing difficult, but I hope to post some things this week. Thanks for asking. : )
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Don't know any that age. Deb works for the Board of Education and knows all the teachers. I'm sure she can inquire in the reading and art area. Just got to tweak it some. I looked up those four words you mentioned and they were fifth grade level. I'll have to change those and comb it for others. Thanks for the feedback and follow-up. JohnnyD
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You're very welcome. Any time.
Comment from denhagan
This was an interesting story to read about Mango the beagle going to school with his friends. About the middle of the story, "They even took field a trip to the woods." should be: "They even took a field trip to the woods."
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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This was an interesting story to read about Mango the beagle going to school with his friends. About the middle of the story, "They even took field a trip to the woods." should be: "They even took a field trip to the woods."
Comment Written 23-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 24-Nov-2013
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That;s Italian didn't you know.. a fielda tripa... kidding. Thank you for pointing it out. I only read it 1001 times. Always appreciated. John
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You're welcome John,
Dennis
Comment from twoeggheads
What a charming story! As a former elementary school teacher, I appreciated your efforts with this. Based on the vocabulary, are you thinking around third grade level?
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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What a charming story! As a former elementary school teacher, I appreciated your efforts with this. Based on the vocabulary, are you thinking around third grade level?
Comment Written 23-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Yes, around that level. If I remember correctly when my three kids were in 3rd grade, would that be 7-8 year-olds?
I'm trying to develop these two characters, as best friends and with each story emphasize a "moral to he story" ending or some form of instruction.
Do you think that's a good idea for this age group? Am I on the right path? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you, John
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Since you have animals as characters, I would suggest watering down the vocabulary to the 6-7 year old age group. Third graders can go either primary or intermediate level, so some might see the talking animals as more like books they "used" to read. first and second grade would be a perfect age for that, as well as introducing a lesson to be learned.
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Thank you, that's very helpful.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello john this is well written and you bring the characters to life so well children will love this we enjoyed you have done well regards Jill and Erick
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Hello john this is well written and you bring the characters to life so well children will love this we enjoyed you have done well regards Jill and Erick
Comment Written 23-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2013
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Thank you very much, Jill & Erick. Always appreciated, John
