~Arsenic & Cold Grace~
It's so lonely at the top...65 total reviews
Comment from Harv
what i really like about this is that I've been watching a lot of twilight zone lately and i felt like i was in the middle of one of it's previews. i could even her the sounds of the music plying there at the end.
i will say i got the feeling this was going to be the twist pretty close into the beginning and wasn't surprised at all when it was, but you know being a writer you always think about plot twists so you can easily, more easily and more often than not figure those twists out, but it was still very good writing.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
  |
what i really like about this is that I've been watching a lot of twilight zone lately and i felt like i was in the middle of one of it's previews. i could even her the sounds of the music plying there at the end.
i will say i got the feeling this was going to be the twist pretty close into the beginning and wasn't surprised at all when it was, but you know being a writer you always think about plot twists so you can easily, more easily and more often than not figure those twists out, but it was still very good writing.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Hah, yep Harv, I know precisely what you mean about deciphering plot twists before they happen, I do it all of the time myself. In my first draft, I had them both poisoning each other, and dying together at Grace's apt. Two bitter rivals, thrown together by death and greed. But, I scraped that ending, it seemed a bit too campy, too contrived.
Anyhow, I'm very glad you liked the way it all played out. Thanks for the great review.
-
i actually like the original idea, i can imagine how you would put together the sequence of conversation between the two when first, one thinks they have the upper hand, then realize they are in the same spot
again you did do a fine job and i am certain if you we're writing for the twilight zone this would have been accepted as a skit, so vivid.
-
Thanks, Harv!
;D
-
Thanks, Harv!
;D
Comment from visionary1234
SECOND REVIEW: 5 STARS
Missed a couple of pesky upper cases Dean:
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined, (Rich) olive skin,
We (Are) going to go over the particulars
I LIKE what you've done with Bruce's thoughts/ italics etc ... much more elegant.
I love your vivid characters - do you believe I DREAMED about them last night?? GRRR!
:)Sharyn
Bravo for a well written story Dean! Even though I was pretty sure I knew how the story would go, you reeled me in with the other character (Glen) and gave us a nice twist.
Quite a bit of small spaggy stuff though, which is the reason for the '4' (as '5' supposedly needs no adjustment) -but I know you'll jump on them. They're minor stuff and the story is still well written.
Happy to come back and re-rate - just let me know. As I said, minor stuff, but quite a bit of it.
:)Sharyn
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined, Rich(rich) olive skin, long slender legs with muscular calves.
Her silky, black hair,(delete comma) was shoulder-length and as black as onyx.
"(")Excuse me, Miss,(.) are(Are) you Grace Jamison?(") Bruce showed his toothy, almost feral looking smile. She smiled and nodded her acknowledgement, so Bruce pulled up a chair.(" - delete)
Just as I thought, a domineering little rich bitch who's used to getting her own way. Well, that ends today, Bruce thought. (The addition of "Bruce thought" is a bit clumsy -also unnecessary if you're using italics.
You could set it up so we already know italics are Bruce thinking - eg:
Just as I thought, a domineering little rich bitch who's used to getting her own way.(Bruce gave a satisfied smile) Well, that ends today.
and same thing with your earlier example:
Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; (Bruce thought) - have him doing some kind of action, THEN give us his thought, in italics, yes?
In one year, this brash,(delete comma) poet wannabe
One such chemical was,(delete comma) CCA
"You haven't heard a damn thing I've said, have you, sweetie?(") Grace raised one well manicured eyebrow to accentuate her displeasure at being ignored.
Besides, I have to look in on my parrot,(delete comma) and my cat.
The shill(shrill) screeching of a parrot
"Oh, it seems you're starting to feel the effects of that mickey you so cleverly tried to slip me back at the restaurant," Grace said, glowering over him. (Spacing error) "Arsenic, wasn't it? You are a very bad boy, Brucie baby. Glenn told me what you'd done just after you dropped it into my coffee.
"Oh, shush now, Brucie,(.) save(Save) your breath. Soon, you'll wish you had. You're already gasping for air. (Spacing error)
I was setting you up, fuck face.
as the world began to close in on him and envelope(envelop) him in darkness.
He is the person I was texting when you came back to the table,(.) he(He) told me everything you'd done.
(TWO SEPARATE SENTENCES - CAN'T BE JOINED BY A COMMA. SOMETIMES, CONSIDER A DASH INSTEAD?)
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
SECOND REVIEW: 5 STARS
Missed a couple of pesky upper cases Dean:
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined, (Rich) olive skin,
We (Are) going to go over the particulars
I LIKE what you've done with Bruce's thoughts/ italics etc ... much more elegant.
I love your vivid characters - do you believe I DREAMED about them last night?? GRRR!
:)Sharyn
Bravo for a well written story Dean! Even though I was pretty sure I knew how the story would go, you reeled me in with the other character (Glen) and gave us a nice twist.
Quite a bit of small spaggy stuff though, which is the reason for the '4' (as '5' supposedly needs no adjustment) -but I know you'll jump on them. They're minor stuff and the story is still well written.
Happy to come back and re-rate - just let me know. As I said, minor stuff, but quite a bit of it.
:)Sharyn
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined, Rich(rich) olive skin, long slender legs with muscular calves.
Her silky, black hair,(delete comma) was shoulder-length and as black as onyx.
"(")Excuse me, Miss,(.) are(Are) you Grace Jamison?(") Bruce showed his toothy, almost feral looking smile. She smiled and nodded her acknowledgement, so Bruce pulled up a chair.(" - delete)
Just as I thought, a domineering little rich bitch who's used to getting her own way. Well, that ends today, Bruce thought. (The addition of "Bruce thought" is a bit clumsy -also unnecessary if you're using italics.
You could set it up so we already know italics are Bruce thinking - eg:
Just as I thought, a domineering little rich bitch who's used to getting her own way.(Bruce gave a satisfied smile) Well, that ends today.
and same thing with your earlier example:
Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; (Bruce thought) - have him doing some kind of action, THEN give us his thought, in italics, yes?
In one year, this brash,(delete comma) poet wannabe
One such chemical was,(delete comma) CCA
"You haven't heard a damn thing I've said, have you, sweetie?(") Grace raised one well manicured eyebrow to accentuate her displeasure at being ignored.
Besides, I have to look in on my parrot,(delete comma) and my cat.
The shill(shrill) screeching of a parrot
"Oh, it seems you're starting to feel the effects of that mickey you so cleverly tried to slip me back at the restaurant," Grace said, glowering over him. (Spacing error) "Arsenic, wasn't it? You are a very bad boy, Brucie baby. Glenn told me what you'd done just after you dropped it into my coffee.
"Oh, shush now, Brucie,(.) save(Save) your breath. Soon, you'll wish you had. You're already gasping for air. (Spacing error)
I was setting you up, fuck face.
as the world began to close in on him and envelope(envelop) him in darkness.
He is the person I was texting when you came back to the table,(.) he(He) told me everything you'd done.
(TWO SEPARATE SENTENCES - CAN'T BE JOINED BY A COMMA. SOMETIMES, CONSIDER A DASH INSTEAD?)
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Thank you very much for helping me out on this one, Sharyn! I'm glad you liked the premise of the story, over all. I took care of the SPAG, just as you suggested, I appreciate that. I realize, I am not much of an editor, LOL. Thanks again for the wonderful review and detailed feedback. It's greatly appreciated!
~Dean~
Comment from emjaihammond
HMMM Who would have ever thought... LOL this was a good read. It reads like a detective story. I like this style and the story was very entertaining. You always have something new and fresh.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
HMMM Who would have ever thought... LOL this was a good read. It reads like a detective story. I like this style and the story was very entertaining. You always have something new and fresh.
Comment Written 16-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Thank you very much for the encouraging review, emjaihammond. I really appreciate it, and I'm very happy to know that you enjoyed it.
Comment from w.j.debi
Now here is hunger for virtual fame gone to the extreme. Even meeting a web friend in public is far from safe. Well told tale of envy and murder. The characters are intriguing, and the plot fun and original. You built the tension in a masterful way to bring poetic justice to your character. I wonder if the present number two can reign as number one for long. What hot new author will challenge her, and how dangerous can he be...
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
 |
Now here is hunger for virtual fame gone to the extreme. Even meeting a web friend in public is far from safe. Well told tale of envy and murder. The characters are intriguing, and the plot fun and original. You built the tension in a masterful way to bring poetic justice to your character. I wonder if the present number two can reign as number one for long. What hot new author will challenge her, and how dangerous can he be...
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Thanks very much w.j.debi, I'm really glad you liked this!
Yes, one had to wonder how long Grace will reign as numero uno. There may be a up and comer right behind her who's thinking the same things she did, right?
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Dean. You haave the knack guy, but I would suggest a few things if I may. Rather than list them, let me redo the first few paragraphs and you can see the changesI made and see what you think...okay? Hope so....LOL:
Yours: "Bruce Cox, better known as Ou812 on The Writers Block social writing network's pages, was pleasantly surprised when he arrived at the pre-determined table nestled in a dimly-lit corner of Desie's Diner & Coffee Caf©.
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined. Olive skinned, with slender legs capped off by muscular calves. Long, silken, black hair, as ebony and shiny as the deepest onyx. Her full, pouting red lips accentuated the package, lips that could only be man-made by frequent collagen injections. She was dressed to the nine's, too, in a lacy black bodice woven over a body-hugging black dress. Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; Bruce thought. Still, it was not going to keep him from his daunting task. If Bruce had his way, Grace, aka, U Luv Me 2, would be dead before the next sunrise.
"Excuse me, Miss? You wouldn't happen to be Grace Jamison, would you?" Bruce showed his biggest, brightest smile, a toothy, almost feral looking thing. After a brief nod of acknowledgment from the lovely, raven-haired creature seated at the table, Bruce pulled a chair opposite her, then sat down."
Mine: "Bruce Cox, the popular writer was pleasantly surprised when he arrived at the pre-determined table nestled in a dimly-lit corner of Desie's Diner & Coffee Caf©.
The lady he was supposed to meet was a fox. She was far more stunning than he could have imagined, She had rich olive skin, long slender legs with muscular calves. Her silky, black hair, was shoulder-length and as black as onyx. Her full, red lips appeared to be man-made by collagen injections. She was dressed in a lacy black bodice woven over a body-hugging black dress. Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; Bruce thought. Still, it was not going to keep him from his task; if he was successful Grace, aka, U Luv Me 2, would be dead before sunrise.
""Excuse me, Miss, are you Grace Jamison? Bruce showed his toothy, almost feral looking smile. She smiled and nodded her acknowledgement, so Bruce pulled up a chair."
Note. Never use more than one adjective to describe something in one sentence. Pick the one you want the most and go with it. any others should wait for another sentence. And "weed" out all unnecessary words as I did in these three paragraphs, Dean. If I missed something that important I don't know what it could be that couldn't be covered later?
Good job overall my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
Hi, Dean. You haave the knack guy, but I would suggest a few things if I may. Rather than list them, let me redo the first few paragraphs and you can see the changesI made and see what you think...okay? Hope so....LOL:
Yours: "Bruce Cox, better known as Ou812 on The Writers Block social writing network's pages, was pleasantly surprised when he arrived at the pre-determined table nestled in a dimly-lit corner of Desie's Diner & Coffee Caf©.
She was far more stunning than he could have imagined. Olive skinned, with slender legs capped off by muscular calves. Long, silken, black hair, as ebony and shiny as the deepest onyx. Her full, pouting red lips accentuated the package, lips that could only be man-made by frequent collagen injections. She was dressed to the nine's, too, in a lacy black bodice woven over a body-hugging black dress. Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; Bruce thought. Still, it was not going to keep him from his daunting task. If Bruce had his way, Grace, aka, U Luv Me 2, would be dead before the next sunrise.
"Excuse me, Miss? You wouldn't happen to be Grace Jamison, would you?" Bruce showed his biggest, brightest smile, a toothy, almost feral looking thing. After a brief nod of acknowledgment from the lovely, raven-haired creature seated at the table, Bruce pulled a chair opposite her, then sat down."
Mine: "Bruce Cox, the popular writer was pleasantly surprised when he arrived at the pre-determined table nestled in a dimly-lit corner of Desie's Diner & Coffee Caf©.
The lady he was supposed to meet was a fox. She was far more stunning than he could have imagined, She had rich olive skin, long slender legs with muscular calves. Her silky, black hair, was shoulder-length and as black as onyx. Her full, red lips appeared to be man-made by collagen injections. She was dressed in a lacy black bodice woven over a body-hugging black dress. Damn, this bitch is a Gothic knock-out; Bruce thought. Still, it was not going to keep him from his task; if he was successful Grace, aka, U Luv Me 2, would be dead before sunrise.
""Excuse me, Miss, are you Grace Jamison? Bruce showed his toothy, almost feral looking smile. She smiled and nodded her acknowledgement, so Bruce pulled up a chair."
Note. Never use more than one adjective to describe something in one sentence. Pick the one you want the most and go with it. any others should wait for another sentence. And "weed" out all unnecessary words as I did in these three paragraphs, Dean. If I missed something that important I don't know what it could be that couldn't be covered later?
Good job overall my friend. Bob
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Hey, thank you, Bob, all great suggestions (which I implemented, if you don't mind?).
I know I get carried away with the adjectives at times. My personal little quirky hang-up, LOL.
I really appreciate you working with me on this one. It's much appreciated.
~Dean~
-
Anytime...anything for you, Dean...Bob
-
I forgot to tell you something very important too...LOL you or we, used the word "she" to start too many sentences in this...so the alternative is doing it this way here and there for variety and better reading:
"She was dressed in a lacy black bodice woven over a body-hugging black dress
Do this: Dressed in a lacy black bodice, woven over a body-hugging black dress, she.....etc"
-
Got 'cha!
;D
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hey there Dean
Man is this ever a riveting story line. I was caught at the first and did not let go til the end. I rarely award a 6th star, but this is too good not to
Bear
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
Hey there Dean
Man is this ever a riveting story line. I was caught at the first and did not let go til the end. I rarely award a 6th star, but this is too good not to
Bear
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Well, thank you for that wonderful compliment, Bear. I know what a staunch reviewer you are, my friend, and to receive such a high rating from you is, indeed, a pleasure! Thanks for taking the time to read and review it for me. I sincerely appreciate it!
Comment from caromel
What a wonderful story of vengeance and hubris. Two dueling artists vying for top spot on of all things, gasp, a writers' forum. I particularly enjoyed the line, "She'd yanked his lofty status, along with his comfortable cushion, right out from under him, as easily as one would a well-worn Persian rug." I could just see her pouty lips as she did so. Note to self: no sexy, cleavage revealing pictures for me. Nice touch with the ole switcheroo at the end.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
What a wonderful story of vengeance and hubris. Two dueling artists vying for top spot on of all things, gasp, a writers' forum. I particularly enjoyed the line, "She'd yanked his lofty status, along with his comfortable cushion, right out from under him, as easily as one would a well-worn Persian rug." I could just see her pouty lips as she did so. Note to self: no sexy, cleavage revealing pictures for me. Nice touch with the ole switcheroo at the end.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Hah, nope, I've seen your profile pic, my friend. A very lovely, respectable young lady.
I'm very glad you liked the twists and turn this story takes you on. In the first draft, it was twice as long as it is now, and I had both protagonists knocking each other off. But, everyone likes to root for someone in the end, whether it be the winner, or the loser, so I changed it.
Thanks so much again, caromel, for investing the time to read and review this, It's greatly appreciated.
-
Ah, and how do you know, my friend, this is not some façade I have constructed...
Alas, it is not!
Aside from that, I enjoy your work and look forward to your next post.
Comment from vapros
Great story, Dean, and it's probably just as well that you did not call anyone by name. I think you should call Tom Bartholomew, or Jeremy, or something like that.
You've been here quite a while, ain't you? Maybe you should take 45 minutes off to reload. Anyway, it's good work and I am impressed. Be well.
Bill
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
Great story, Dean, and it's probably just as well that you did not call anyone by name. I think you should call Tom Bartholomew, or Jeremy, or something like that.
You've been here quite a while, ain't you? Maybe you should take 45 minutes off to reload. Anyway, it's good work and I am impressed. Be well.
Bill
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Hah, thanks, Bill. I joined FanStory in March of this year. I've been here about eight months now. I've sure learned a lot from all of the fantastic people I've befriended, that's for sure.
I'm really glad that you liked the story. I appreciate the feedback.
Cheers!
Comment from Dawn Munro
One wicked trollop, that Gracie, but then again, he was planning the same for her. :) I had to chuckle at the plot, though - a writing site where writers, instead of networking and helping each other with the goal of publishing in mind, worry about leading on that site? HAHAHAHA. You have a devious mind, Dean. I loved the bit about her posting a sexy picture of herself too. HAHAHAHA.
One question - why did he never get to see this parrot we heard about? I enjoyed the description of the Persian too - yup, what did "Brucie-baby" have for the cat sounds about right! :)
Nicely done - very original. :)
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
One wicked trollop, that Gracie, but then again, he was planning the same for her. :) I had to chuckle at the plot, though - a writing site where writers, instead of networking and helping each other with the goal of publishing in mind, worry about leading on that site? HAHAHAHA. You have a devious mind, Dean. I loved the bit about her posting a sexy picture of herself too. HAHAHAHA.
One question - why did he never get to see this parrot we heard about? I enjoyed the description of the Persian too - yup, what did "Brucie-baby" have for the cat sounds about right! :)
Nicely done - very original. :)
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Hah, thank you, Dawn, I'm really happy that you liked and appreciated the rather dark humor in this one, heh-heh...
He never had the chance to get a look at the bird. Grace had the bedroom darkened because the plastic she was using to wrap him up was on the floor, and she didn't want him to get a glimpse of it when she brought him home to...well, you know. She never expected the dolt to go and poison himself. That was gravy on the meat, in her book!
Thanks for taking the time to read this for me. Just a subliminal way of saying that we should not take our ratings on FS quite so seriously. Especially not to the degree of murder. I wonder about some, though, at times...
-
HAHAHAHA - yesiree bob! I wonder about some too! (And trust me, I have more knowledge about it than I ever expected or wanted!)
It was a pleasure to read, Dean. I enjoyed it very much. :)
Comment from Titanx9
Dean, you are so cleverly creative. This is sooooooooo good. This short story has all the elements of a novel or novelette. There's a great plot that shows quite clearly the cause and effect of Bruce's devious scheming. To his dismay, he un-estimated the flamboyant and unscrupulous Gracie in every way. She used her wiles in ways that served her well. Thanks for an enjoyable read. This story is worth six plus stars, but I'm fresh out of them.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
|
Dean, you are so cleverly creative. This is sooooooooo good. This short story has all the elements of a novel or novelette. There's a great plot that shows quite clearly the cause and effect of Bruce's devious scheming. To his dismay, he un-estimated the flamboyant and unscrupulous Gracie in every way. She used her wiles in ways that served her well. Thanks for an enjoyable read. This story is worth six plus stars, but I'm fresh out of them.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2013
-
Hey, thanks for the glowing review, Titanx9, I truly appreciate that! No worries about that "sixer", the fact that you enjoyed the story, and were entertained, is reward enough for me...
