Let's Love Today
a pantoum, that blew in on today's winter rains45 total reviews
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Sharyn,
It's been a while since I have had the pleasure of reading your work, but all the skill you had is there in spades in this charmingly constructed poem. I love he imagery of the last two lines of stanza one, but then there is much more to enjoy. If I may offer one comment - the line
"The wind is bending grasses t'wards the earth"
could be expressed as
"The wind is bending grass towards the earth"
Just a thought.
Regards
Reg
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Dear Sharyn,
It's been a while since I have had the pleasure of reading your work, but all the skill you had is there in spades in this charmingly constructed poem. I love he imagery of the last two lines of stanza one, but then there is much more to enjoy. If I may offer one comment - the line
"The wind is bending grasses t'wards the earth"
could be expressed as
"The wind is bending grass towards the earth"
Just a thought.
Regards
Reg
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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thx so much Reg - I thought about this - but I have a vision of 'grass' as golf course green stuck in my head ... and somehow 'grasses' make me think of long, wild grasses ... weird, hmm? I HATE using a contracted form of 'toward' though ... so now I need you to find me a line with grassES AND 'toward' my dear!
Glad you enjoyed - big hugs, as always ... I've been out of it for a couple of months doing my play, but happy to relax now for a while!
:)Sharyn
Comment from nancyjam
This is so lovely. Each line is a treasure and woven
through the poem expertly.
The imagery is beautiful and sets the mood of love
on a rainy day. Nice use of alliteration with "wraiths/wreaths
"sea/sky etc. Beautiful! Pantoum Nancy
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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This is so lovely. Each line is a treasure and woven
through the poem expertly.
The imagery is beautiful and sets the mood of love
on a rainy day. Nice use of alliteration with "wraiths/wreaths
"sea/sky etc. Beautiful! Pantoum Nancy
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Nancy, thank you SO much for drifting along with me on this one - I love it when someone hears the 'music' in my lines! Blessings, too, of course for that great sixer!
:)Sharyn
Comment from Titanx9
What a lovely pantoun. It has excellent imagery of seasonal changes and the effects the coming of winter brought. The rhyming and punctuation lend a musicality that made this one an enjoyable read!
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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What a lovely pantoun. It has excellent imagery of seasonal changes and the effects the coming of winter brought. The rhyming and punctuation lend a musicality that made this one an enjoyable read!
Comment Written 15-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2013
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Bless you Dossie - so glad you enjoyed it! I really like the 'pantoum' form. For some reason it lends itself to musicality.
:) Sharyn
Comment from Charlene0513
To visionary1234,
To display almost a reverence between the atmosphere and the forces that control our very nature of things.
Very good uses of similes and metaphors used.
Very good cadence.
Charlene
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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To visionary1234,
To display almost a reverence between the atmosphere and the forces that control our very nature of things.
Very good uses of similes and metaphors used.
Very good cadence.
Charlene
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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thx Charlene! :)Sharyn
Comment from words
Love this one.
I do agree:And stirring gauzy curtains by our bed
the wind caresses us. You smile, and sigh.
Let's love today. Who knows what lies ahead?
The line is blurred between the sea and sky.
Now, if I could only find the right person to hang out with behind my gauzy curtains ... so far, no luck. LOL Hugs, d
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Love this one.
I do agree:And stirring gauzy curtains by our bed
the wind caresses us. You smile, and sigh.
Let's love today. Who knows what lies ahead?
The line is blurred between the sea and sky.
Now, if I could only find the right person to hang out with behind my gauzy curtains ... so far, no luck. LOL Hugs, d
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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hey LOTS of people can look good thru gauze, d! :):):)
Comment from Sasha
I haven't read a pantoum in quite some time, what a lovely style this is. BEautaifully written and flows so smoothly. I like poems with repeating lines and this one is superb.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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I haven't read a pantoum in quite some time, what a lovely style this is. BEautaifully written and flows so smoothly. I like poems with repeating lines and this one is superb.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thx so much my dear - I've only ever written one before, but this setting somehow seemed to call for another one - great fun to write!
Blessings to you, as always!
Sharyn :)
Comment from fastdigits
A dance of velvet whispers pirouetting
down the screen, soft as a warm summer's
rain surrounding the very heart and soul
with the warmth of the passion of love
to be burned like a candle until the wick
disappears in the far horizon bordered by
the sea and sky.
Well done
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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A dance of velvet whispers pirouetting
down the screen, soft as a warm summer's
rain surrounding the very heart and soul
with the warmth of the passion of love
to be burned like a candle until the wick
disappears in the far horizon bordered by
the sea and sky.
Well done
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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What a sweetheart! Thx so much for your lovely sixer on this one my dear! SUCH a poetic review - I want to frame it!
:)Sharyn
Comment from Spitfire
What a great line for beginning and end. I could feel that rain creeping in and the chill of winter coming on. (Does it get that cold in Hawaii?) Anyway, perfect weather for curling up and making love followed by a cup of hot chocolate. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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What a great line for beginning and end. I could feel that rain creeping in and the chill of winter coming on. (Does it get that cold in Hawaii?) Anyway, perfect weather for curling up and making love followed by a cup of hot chocolate. :-)
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thank you SO much Shari and yes, it does get chilly here sometimes. We've been spoiled by a six week heat-wave ... woke up one morning and 'winter' had arrived - (winter is normally driving wind and rain, and then the night temps are cold because the air comes blasting down from the 10,000ft summit of Mt Haleakala) ... but this gentle rain and misty skies was something we don't get very often ... so I just sat back and enjoyed it! Bless you for the lovely sixer!
:)Sharyn
ps: thought you were in the Bahamas!???
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I leave tomorrow. Be there Saturday.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Sharyn,
This is beautiful pantoum poem. I really enjoyed the read. You did a fantastic job in writing this style of poetry. I tried it once, but found it difficult to use the same lines and make the poem understandable. Of course I don't have your talent.
Kat
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Hi Sharyn,
This is beautiful pantoum poem. I really enjoyed the read. You did a fantastic job in writing this style of poetry. I tried it once, but found it difficult to use the same lines and make the poem understandable. Of course I don't have your talent.
Kat
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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oh Kat I'm so glad you enjoyed this one! And yes, those lines ARE a challenge but I guess that's what makes it fun! Bless you for the lovely sixer!
:)Sharyn
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Great job on adhering to pantoum format. I really enjoyed the line:
lightest lacy mist
that drifts,
Very sensual images. I think with the line "We celebrate the seasons; death and birth." I would change the semi-colon to a comma or a dash. I'm not sure if you mean seasons of death and birth. If so, then I would use that dash. If you just mean seasons and death and birth, then use a comma.
Lovely writing with such a lyrical touch!
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Great job on adhering to pantoum format. I really enjoyed the line:
lightest lacy mist
that drifts,
Very sensual images. I think with the line "We celebrate the seasons; death and birth." I would change the semi-colon to a comma or a dash. I'm not sure if you mean seasons of death and birth. If so, then I would use that dash. If you just mean seasons and death and birth, then use a comma.
Lovely writing with such a lyrical touch!
Comment Written 14-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2013
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Thx so much CC - I think I'll opt for the dash! Semi-colons are always a bit of a mystery to me!
:)Sharyn
