Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Redemption"A collection of my poems
97 total reviews
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello there my friend. Your writing has become so good. It is filled with emotion and story telling at its finest. I particularly like the ending stanza that is absolutely chocker block full of sweetness. Well done you. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Hello there my friend. Your writing has become so good. It is filled with emotion and story telling at its finest. I particularly like the ending stanza that is absolutely chocker block full of sweetness. Well done you. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Thank you, fellow kiwi.
I'll win one of these damn contests by hook or by crook!
Steve
Comment from Stephen Wolff
Heavy duty! A grim poem which ends with a positive note, as the title suggests. I quite like this ballad format and it has real echoes of folk song and, somewhere in there, Bob Dylan perhaps.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Heavy duty! A grim poem which ends with a positive note, as the title suggests. I quite like this ballad format and it has real echoes of folk song and, somewhere in there, Bob Dylan perhaps.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Thank you.
Another reviewer suggested the folk song angle - just got to find a suitable singer....
Steve
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good use of the abab rhyme scheme. Good end and perfect rhyming with calling/falling...near/fear...haunting/daunting...cut/hut...flood/blood. Good homonym with son/sun. Good alliteration. Good clear message that holds my attention from start to finish.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Good use of the abab rhyme scheme. Good end and perfect rhyming with calling/falling...near/fear...haunting/daunting...cut/hut...flood/blood. Good homonym with son/sun. Good alliteration. Good clear message that holds my attention from start to finish.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Thanks for the warm words.
Steve
Comment from Tessa Kay
Wow. What a story. Very dramatic and full of atmosphere.
I'd be very surprised if this didn't do very well in the competition.
Great work
:) Tessa
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Wow. What a story. Very dramatic and full of atmosphere.
I'd be very surprised if this didn't do very well in the competition.
Great work
:) Tessa
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Tessa, thanks for the kid words and wishes.
Steve
Comment from krys123
"The it be (with) my last breath", if you take out the (with) the beat would sound much better in that verse. Third verse from the bottom. Otherwise I enjoyed your poem wholeheartedly. You had a excellent introduction throughout the poem right to the inevitable end that it was an Angel in the Lord that held you in His hands. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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"The it be (with) my last breath", if you take out the (with) the beat would sound much better in that verse. Third verse from the bottom. Otherwise I enjoyed your poem wholeheartedly. You had a excellent introduction throughout the poem right to the inevitable end that it was an Angel in the Lord that held you in His hands. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Krys, thanks for the kind words and the suggestion. I will look at it.
Steve
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You are welcome Steve
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You are welcome Steve
Comment from ericawrites
This poem gave me goose-bumps!
A really fantastic AbAb contest entry.
I think you have a winner here. I also
entered the competition, but mine is
a very poor effort compared to this.
You have my vote. Best of luck.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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This poem gave me goose-bumps!
A really fantastic AbAb contest entry.
I think you have a winner here. I also
entered the competition, but mine is
a very poor effort compared to this.
You have my vote. Best of luck.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Ah, this is a committee decision, not a vote, so you'd better save that up for another contest.
A number of reviewers have mentioned the goose-bumps which I am taking as a good sign!
Thanks for the kind words and the galaxy of stars.
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
Ah, I see you're still playing around with a different
personification of Death. Death, the Redeemer, this one.
You set quite the gloomy scene with weather and wood.
I don't know exactly why, but I'm reading in The Depression, or some other migration-inspiring event in the background. A scary and vivid tale.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Ah, I see you're still playing around with a different
personification of Death. Death, the Redeemer, this one.
You set quite the gloomy scene with weather and wood.
I don't know exactly why, but I'm reading in The Depression, or some other migration-inspiring event in the background. A scary and vivid tale.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Thanks, Lee.
I hadn't really considered placing it in time, but I guess it does sound like a depression era work camp...
I'm sure this is not how you write your stories, but I just started out with the 'stranger at the campfire' idea and then let it unravel and this is what it led to. The ending is not really me :o) and one reviewer is threatening to christem me Righteous Steve....
Steve
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Actually, Steve, I do write my stories pretty much the same way. Often I start with a setting, two characters I don't yet know, and only the vaguest of what might happen. Not exactly a textbook system.
Lee
Comment from S A Bullen
Omg, Steve, that's fantastic. Excellent poem. At first I thought it was going to be a murder round the campfire poem, but it just evolved into this wonderful story of redemption for his actions and saviour. Beautifully written. Sheryn :-)
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Omg, Steve, that's fantastic. Excellent poem. At first I thought it was going to be a murder round the campfire poem, but it just evolved into this wonderful story of redemption for his actions and saviour. Beautifully written. Sheryn :-)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Yep, evolve is what it did, since I had no idea where it was going until I got there!
Thanks, Sheryn.
Steve
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
You have told a very grim story in sixteen stanzas which flow perfectly and rhyme flow is very good. It is a very good read. It think it is a worth entry for the contest and I wish you well. Good Luck Dorothy
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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You have told a very grim story in sixteen stanzas which flow perfectly and rhyme flow is very good. It is a very good read. It think it is a worth entry for the contest and I wish you well. Good Luck Dorothy
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Thanks, Dorothy.
Steve
Comment from visionary1234
oh my gosh we'll be calling you Righteous Steve before long dear! What an anapestic romp you've given us here - you always handle this meter really well! Couple of lines a bit bumpy?
Cast cruel shadows over all (cruel has 2 syllables ... so I'm reading as: cast cru el SHAD ows ov er ALL - so an extra unstressed syllable at the beginning?? doesn't fit with the pattern you've set up?
Some quite blameless, others shameless
had to read this line twice as it reads iambic on first reading - 'quite' isn't easily an unstressed syllable, too strong???
But what a great yarn!
:)S
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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oh my gosh we'll be calling you Righteous Steve before long dear! What an anapestic romp you've given us here - you always handle this meter really well! Couple of lines a bit bumpy?
Cast cruel shadows over all (cruel has 2 syllables ... so I'm reading as: cast cru el SHAD ows ov er ALL - so an extra unstressed syllable at the beginning?? doesn't fit with the pattern you've set up?
Some quite blameless, others shameless
had to read this line twice as it reads iambic on first reading - 'quite' isn't easily an unstressed syllable, too strong???
But what a great yarn!
:)S
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
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Yeah, Righteous Kiwi has quite a nice ring to it.... The ending is not really me, but it's where the damn story took me and didn't give me much choice and think how many FanStorians will love it! :o)
Now, I never know what meter I'm writing in, so you've made me go back to check - here is my fairly valueless opinion - it is all iambic but wit an extra strong syllable at the start of each line. Complicated by the fact that the first and third lines all have feminine rhyming so gain an extra unstressed syllable
(TO) the CAMPfire CAME a STRANG(er)
(THOUGH) he NEVer SAID a WORD
Thanks for making me think, I think, therefore I am.
Righteous - I have brothers, can we sing unchained melody now
Seriously, some reviewers have seen this as uitable for a folk song, but who to perform it?
