Steve's Story-Poems
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Redemption"A collection of my poems
97 total reviews
Comment from Brocha1
This was a really exceptional piece of poetry.The build up and the exquisite detail of the storm, both the outer one and the inner one, was powerfully and vividly done with very original word choices. I especially liked "In the hooded eyes, a yearning
Such a sadness, deep and dark,
And a torment fiercely burning
Glittered there, a sullen spark."
and this was quite brilliant-
"We, the aimless and the nameless,
Fleeing fortune's random spite,"
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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This was a really exceptional piece of poetry.The build up and the exquisite detail of the storm, both the outer one and the inner one, was powerfully and vividly done with very original word choices. I especially liked "In the hooded eyes, a yearning
Such a sadness, deep and dark,
And a torment fiercely burning
Glittered there, a sullen spark."
and this was quite brilliant-
"We, the aimless and the nameless,
Fleeing fortune's random spite,"
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thanks for the warm words and the six stars - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
Comment from closetpoetjester
Goodness me Steve, seems what goes around could well come around and then some. Loved the ambling meter in this one and it really suited your macabre theme.
Seems we all get ours on the day of reckoning and the author handled some expert rhymes to drag the reader into a story of compulsive drinking and the carnage it resulted in.
Well penned in your unique style although I was puzzled with the "Welcome home again" reference. Forgive me, I'm having a blonde moment.
Cheers P
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Goodness me Steve, seems what goes around could well come around and then some. Loved the ambling meter in this one and it really suited your macabre theme.
Seems we all get ours on the day of reckoning and the author handled some expert rhymes to drag the reader into a story of compulsive drinking and the carnage it resulted in.
Well penned in your unique style although I was puzzled with the "Welcome home again" reference. Forgive me, I'm having a blonde moment.
Cheers P
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Hi, Phillippa
Glad you enjoyed this, even if the penny didn't quite drop for the ending.
Truth is I had written myself into a bit of a corner - could have had him escape while everyone else was killed, thus prolonging and increasing his torment and guilt, but decided on the Jesus ex Machina ending instead which will sit well for religious fanStorians of which there seem to be an endless supply - mystery man turns out to be The Redeemer (was going to give him a crown of thorns but thought that would be too obvious) and narrator sacrifices his life to save his friends, earning forgiveness and a pat on the back before he shuffles off...
Steve
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Goodness me...thanks for the explanation. Rather complex corner you backed yourself into say what? LOL
Go easy on yourself next time. Haha
Cheers P
Comment from gazzagodbod
i so wish i had a six to give this blew me away you have such talent your flow is perfect and your words are so compelling what a wonderful ending loved it gazza
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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i so wish i had a six to give this blew me away you have such talent your flow is perfect and your words are so compelling what a wonderful ending loved it gazza
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Gazza, thanks for the kind words and the virtual six.
Steve
Comment from c_lucas
An interesting post bringing the following verse (paraphrased) to mind. "What greater love for one to lay down his life for another." Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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An interesting post bringing the following verse (paraphrased) to mind. "What greater love for one to lay down his life for another." Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thanks, Charlie
Yes, the quote is appropriate, although in this case he had a few earlier sins to make up for as well.
Steve
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you're welcome, Steve. Charlie
Comment from pickthorn
I really like this story-poem... Looks like God gave the man who killed his wife and children another chance to make up for his horrible sin... I have never quite understood how reincarnation is supposed to work, (since the Bible says it is appointed man once to die and then the judgement), but maybe the judgement was, that he was given another chance huh? and the 2nd time, he saved his mates and made up for the grevious error he made the first time. Very unique and thought-provoking. I would give you a six if I had it. Exceptionally good story and great rhyming and flow to go with it.
pickthorn
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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I really like this story-poem... Looks like God gave the man who killed his wife and children another chance to make up for his horrible sin... I have never quite understood how reincarnation is supposed to work, (since the Bible says it is appointed man once to die and then the judgement), but maybe the judgement was, that he was given another chance huh? and the 2nd time, he saved his mates and made up for the grevious error he made the first time. Very unique and thought-provoking. I would give you a six if I had it. Exceptionally good story and great rhyming and flow to go with it.
pickthorn
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from goompa
A wonderful entry kiwisteve. Great rhyme, rhythm and mood created. Really made me feel as if I were there which is quite a talent. Great job!
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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A wonderful entry kiwisteve. Great rhyme, rhythm and mood created. Really made me feel as if I were there which is quite a talent. Great job!
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from elpsog
An adjective appropriate to honor this rhyme I am at struggle to find. The advice that comes to mind is the six stars suffice as the find. That the face glowing in the sun I interpret as the Lord above who heard the plea for mercy final before death came.
Ray
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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An adjective appropriate to honor this rhyme I am at struggle to find. The advice that comes to mind is the six stars suffice as the find. That the face glowing in the sun I interpret as the Lord above who heard the plea for mercy final before death came.
Ray
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thanks, Ray for the warm words and the six stars - much appreciated.
Steve
Comment from ELumpkins
This is as good as it gets. The poem rhymes perfectly and tells a very interesting and sad story, even though our hero dies, it surely rates a six. I am sure the Author spent considerable time constructing this great and simple poem.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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This is as good as it gets. The poem rhymes perfectly and tells a very interesting and sad story, even though our hero dies, it surely rates a six. I am sure the Author spent considerable time constructing this great and simple poem.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thank you for the kind words and the six stars.
Yes, it took a while to polish this up and get the story just right.
Steve
Comment from elchupakabra
I enjoyed this piece. It does a great job of telling a courageous story and the benefits of truly being willing to help others at all costs. I enjoyed that kharmic aspect to the piece. I thought the linework flowed well and fit the constructs of the contest. Great work, best of luck, thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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I enjoyed this piece. It does a great job of telling a courageous story and the benefits of truly being willing to help others at all costs. I enjoyed that kharmic aspect to the piece. I thought the linework flowed well and fit the constructs of the contest. Great work, best of luck, thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Thank you!
Steve
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Steve,
You did a great job on this poem. Fantastic imagery, and I loved the premise for this write ... that we all most atone for our sins when death comes calling.
Fave parts ... "Next, the dark wolf, death came rushing", "snow flakes helter-skelter", "film-reel blinking", "hearts a-pounding". Loved it!
Best wishes for the contest!
bichinfrisegirl aka Connie
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Steve,
You did a great job on this poem. Fantastic imagery, and I loved the premise for this write ... that we all most atone for our sins when death comes calling.
Fave parts ... "Next, the dark wolf, death came rushing", "snow flakes helter-skelter", "film-reel blinking", "hearts a-pounding". Loved it!
Best wishes for the contest!
bichinfrisegirl aka Connie
Comment Written 09-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
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Connie, thanks for the kind words and wishes.
Bound to crack one of these conests soon - maybe this time....
Steve
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Yeah, I'd say you stand a very high chance of succeeding with this write, Steve! Good luck!
Connie
