The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "For His Eyes Only"Love Among the Thorns
36 total reviews
Comment from Selina Stambi
A wonderfully well written chapter, my dear Harriett! Really believable and with a lovely black-and-white movie "period" feel to it.
Love the exchange between Nathan and his father-in-law to be, and their "boys will be boys" exchange. Amazing how the sower of the wildest oats always get a beautiful virgin bride!
The first night ..... good for her!! What more can one say?? :)
Well done, my dear lady. :)
Sonali
the Germans(') defeat was already
hotel which included (no comma required here,) a beautiful (ballroom)
different sets of Indigo (glassware)
The (four-poster) bed, where his bride lay
she said, wiping the snot from her nose. ... suggest: ... wiping her nose ... snot is a very modern word, not in keeping with the period
she jumped, like they say, or (was) pushed or
he said, his voice escalated... suggest: ... he said, raising his voice
Her happiness is like (sunshine) to me. Look
if you hurt her(,) there will be no place on
tried not to blink either, though his throat burn(ed), like someone
stopped suddenly(,) causing Nathan to nearly bump (into him from behind)
loudly stumbled into the room(,) laughing hysterically
Indignant(at) the outburst, Mrs. Nevers shot up from
again, (lying) back on the pillow and relaxing her hands above
She looked like a goddess(,) lithe and beautiful
while she was (sopping) wet and still reeling
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
  |
A wonderfully well written chapter, my dear Harriett! Really believable and with a lovely black-and-white movie "period" feel to it.
Love the exchange between Nathan and his father-in-law to be, and their "boys will be boys" exchange. Amazing how the sower of the wildest oats always get a beautiful virgin bride!
The first night ..... good for her!! What more can one say?? :)
Well done, my dear lady. :)
Sonali
the Germans(') defeat was already
hotel which included (no comma required here,) a beautiful (ballroom)
different sets of Indigo (glassware)
The (four-poster) bed, where his bride lay
she said, wiping the snot from her nose. ... suggest: ... wiping her nose ... snot is a very modern word, not in keeping with the period
she jumped, like they say, or (was) pushed or
he said, his voice escalated... suggest: ... he said, raising his voice
Her happiness is like (sunshine) to me. Look
if you hurt her(,) there will be no place on
tried not to blink either, though his throat burn(ed), like someone
stopped suddenly(,) causing Nathan to nearly bump (into him from behind)
loudly stumbled into the room(,) laughing hysterically
Indignant(at) the outburst, Mrs. Nevers shot up from
again, (lying) back on the pillow and relaxing her hands above
She looked like a goddess(,) lithe and beautiful
while she was (sopping) wet and still reeling
Comment Written 12-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
-
Thank you for this find review and for the corrections. I really do appreciate it, my dear. And I'm glad you enjoyed the reading.
Comment from pickthorn
Wow, that was a wedding night to remember. I thought the love scene was done well though a bit erotic. I liked the exchange between the father in law and brother in law. The dialogue was superb.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
|
Wow, that was a wedding night to remember. I thought the love scene was done well though a bit erotic. I liked the exchange between the father in law and brother in law. The dialogue was superb.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2013
-
Thank you pickthom.I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Well written and formatted in a very readable and believable style.
The storyline flows seamlessly from the last chapter
and finally Nate appears to be ready to embrsce the future and let go of the past.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
Well written and formatted in a very readable and believable style.
The storyline flows seamlessly from the last chapter
and finally Nate appears to be ready to embrsce the future and let go of the past.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Thank you seken58.
Comment from lancellot
Well done. The chapter reads smoothly. I used to have a muscular body once, but doughnuts ruined it.
this line made me erupt in laughter:
"Oh...Oh. Yes. I do. Don't worry. I'll go slowly. I'll be so gentle, she'll think she's being poked by a big old feather," he said, grinning.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
Well done. The chapter reads smoothly. I used to have a muscular body once, but doughnuts ruined it.
this line made me erupt in laughter:
"Oh...Oh. Yes. I do. Don't worry. I'll go slowly. I'll be so gentle, she'll think she's being poked by a big old feather," he said, grinning.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
LOL Thank you for reading and the the many stars. I kinda like that line myself. I'm so happy you liked it too.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
a great chapter,Amahra - and I love the picture...
several restaraunts -
several restaurants
Don't be frightened, sweetheart[,](;) you're a woman now -- semi-colon
a hefty bit - might I suggest - a hefty drop (since it's liquid)
Most impressive, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
a great chapter,Amahra - and I love the picture...
several restaraunts -
several restaurants
Don't be frightened, sweetheart[,](;) you're a woman now -- semi-colon
a hefty bit - might I suggest - a hefty drop (since it's liquid)
Most impressive, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Thank you Margaret for reviewing and catching some sprags. Always a pleasure to have you as a reviewer.
Comment from Green Lake Girl
This is the first time I've read any of your writing. I realize I am jumping in at Chapter 12, but have high hopes of reading the previous chapter. I love this chapter. The interchange between father-in-law and son-in-law was very believable. You did a nice job with the sex scene. I'm hooked. Glad I stopped by.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
This is the first time I've read any of your writing. I realize I am jumping in at Chapter 12, but have high hopes of reading the previous chapter. I love this chapter. The interchange between father-in-law and son-in-law was very believable. You did a nice job with the sex scene. I'm hooked. Glad I stopped by.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Thank you so much. I'm glad you stopped by and enjoyed the chapter.
Comment from Sloegin
YOu have a chapter here, but it isn't written originally enough and you need to write to the writer's standard.
This scene has been done many times and by some terrific writers. Your attempt seems amateurish compared to many I have read.
Try not to use the word "was" in front of words ending in "ing" It denotes the passive voice and you should stay in the active voice.
Nathan strolled over to the bed (?) at a time like this I think he would make straight for the bed.
letting it slip to the floor- They weren't standing, they were in bed.
slid his face further and further down between her legs. Did he reach her ankles?
These errors are easy to fix and easy to spot, IF you proof read your work before osting.
Sloegin
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
 |
YOu have a chapter here, but it isn't written originally enough and you need to write to the writer's standard.
This scene has been done many times and by some terrific writers. Your attempt seems amateurish compared to many I have read.
Try not to use the word "was" in front of words ending in "ing" It denotes the passive voice and you should stay in the active voice.
Nathan strolled over to the bed (?) at a time like this I think he would make straight for the bed.
letting it slip to the floor- They weren't standing, they were in bed.
slid his face further and further down between her legs. Did he reach her ankles?
These errors are easy to fix and easy to spot, IF you proof read your work before osting.
Sloegin
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
LOL! OK
Comment from daeneam
This sure is one hot honeymoon! And very intriguing as I went over with the other chapters. I have to read it well so I will be able to savor each hot moments LOL. Your notes intrigued me as well: "They'll have to face their miserable lives sober. LOL! If at anytime I see they can't handle the stress, I'll slip in a Speakeasy. Smile."
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
This sure is one hot honeymoon! And very intriguing as I went over with the other chapters. I have to read it well so I will be able to savor each hot moments LOL. Your notes intrigued me as well: "They'll have to face their miserable lives sober. LOL! If at anytime I see they can't handle the stress, I'll slip in a Speakeasy. Smile."
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
LOL Thank you for enjoying the chapter and for finding humor in my author note.
Comment from robina1978
Maybe I missed a chapter as I did not realise they were already in the hotel for the wedding and wedding night. Grace's parents give her some last advice and Nathan some warning.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
Maybe I missed a chapter as I did not realise they were already in the hotel for the wedding and wedding night. Grace's parents give her some last advice and Nathan some warning.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Thank you robina.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, amahra, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where nathan and grace experience their wedding night after both reflect on conversations they had the day before with grace's parents. i only spotted one error==Nevers stopped suddenly instead of stop suddenly.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
|
this is very well written, amahra, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where nathan and grace experience their wedding night after both reflect on conversations they had the day before with grace's parents. i only spotted one error==Nevers stopped suddenly instead of stop suddenly.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2013
-
Thank you so much for reviewing. I'll make corrections.
