Face Off
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "I Want To Do It!"A Whole New Identity
19 total reviews
Comment from Jacq77
This is an excellent write that kept my interest all the way through to the end. I enjoyed the character development and found the dialogue to be 'real to life'. A lot of information was packed into this chapter, and the ending did not disappoint. I now find myself wanting to know what happens to Julia and Brad next. All the best in the contest. Well done!
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2014
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This is an excellent write that kept my interest all the way through to the end. I enjoyed the character development and found the dialogue to be 'real to life'. A lot of information was packed into this chapter, and the ending did not disappoint. I now find myself wanting to know what happens to Julia and Brad next. All the best in the contest. Well done!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2014
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Hi Jacq,
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and fine rating. This is like Ch. 25 in a novel, so I had to get more into it than I normally would. Again, thanks,
Gayle
Comment from TervLass
A very detailed story follows the contest opening line.
Characters are well presented, with background material supplying a rationale for Julia's heated and emphatic desire for revenge, as well as her wish to personally extract vengeance.
Brad presents as an equal and understanding partner. His cooler thought process stabilizes Julie's more headstrong potential. Neither appears to be unnerved by their plan for violence.
Dialogue is tense, and retains a steady pace throughout the piece. At times, it becomes somewhat cryptic even when interjected with ordinary, day to day chatter about eating and takeout. Invoking recall of 9-11 provided an opening for Julia's passion for living in America to be affirmed. Overall a balance of cause-effect and intent is maintained all through this highly charged scenario.
Doberman Rex is a solid, sober and watchful presence.
Helen (TervLass)
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2014
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A very detailed story follows the contest opening line.
Characters are well presented, with background material supplying a rationale for Julia's heated and emphatic desire for revenge, as well as her wish to personally extract vengeance.
Brad presents as an equal and understanding partner. His cooler thought process stabilizes Julie's more headstrong potential. Neither appears to be unnerved by their plan for violence.
Dialogue is tense, and retains a steady pace throughout the piece. At times, it becomes somewhat cryptic even when interjected with ordinary, day to day chatter about eating and takeout. Invoking recall of 9-11 provided an opening for Julia's passion for living in America to be affirmed. Overall a balance of cause-effect and intent is maintained all through this highly charged scenario.
Doberman Rex is a solid, sober and watchful presence.
Helen (TervLass)
Comment Written 17-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2014
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Ah Helen, when I saw this prompt, I just knew I could fit it in seamlessly and I think it worked.
Yes, Rex is waiting on the sidelines, but soon, you'll get to see the rest of the gang also, including Amy!
Thank you so much for the great comments, my friend.
Big hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Ric Myworld
WOW, this chapter is awesome. No wasted words. Everyone has a purpose, as does every line. Now I'm starting to understand concise descriptions being more effective over descriptive. Thanks for the fantastic chapter. Best of Luck in the contest. Bravo!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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WOW, this chapter is awesome. No wasted words. Everyone has a purpose, as does every line. Now I'm starting to understand concise descriptions being more effective over descriptive. Thanks for the fantastic chapter. Best of Luck in the contest. Bravo!
Comment Written 17-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Hi Ric,
Gosh, a sixer, how cool. Thanks for the fine comments and good wishes. I'm so glad you got to read this one!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Writingfundimension
Absoutely terrific build-up to the moment when Julia gets her ultimate revenge. I wonder if she'll have any emotional let-down after the actual act? I'm sure there's more to come because Rex is going to get his moment to shine. I like the direction you took this chapter in. Another great chapter, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Absoutely terrific build-up to the moment when Julia gets her ultimate revenge. I wonder if she'll have any emotional let-down after the actual act? I'm sure there's more to come because Rex is going to get his moment to shine. I like the direction you took this chapter in. Another great chapter, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment Written 17-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Hey Bev,
Part of me wanted to just stretch it out but you can flip into melodrama doing that, and it feels like you're cheating the reader.
Sooo glad you liked it, my dear friend! Whee! It was a ball writing it. Just think, the novel's only half over, lol.
Big hugs and than ks,
Gayle
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You're very welcome, Gayle. It's always a pleasure reading your novels. Thanks for keeping me informed as this was an important chapter. Hugs, Bev
Comment from TheWriteTeach
Wow. I never thought that was going to happen. I figured Brad was going to do it - to protect Julia and keep her safe. But I like that Julia got to do it. It gave her closure. I found it terribly ironic that both characters went to great lengths to change their faces and take on a new identity in order to blend in and loose themselves in society, yet, here they are, in the middle of mayhem and need to disguise their new selves! Gotta love it.
This was an exceptional chapter. You skillfully layered on the tension, not releasing us until the very end. Julia's dialogue in the beginning was excellent. Her rant about Edward not telling her truth about their plan, and how she could do anything better than her brothers, was extremely realistic. I could see her in my mind's eye, pacing back and forth, wringing her hands, and I felt her anger grow as she spoke. You had good action all the way through that kept the story in forward motion, and it flowed well from scene to scene. You had me hooked from the first sentence. I flew through it - I couldn't read it fast enough.
Punctuation Problems:
"I want to stake out his hotel [,] and when he makes his appearance, I want to follow him and kill him myself, before he gets near the mosque." - add comma in brackets.
He and his men will also be armed, so Edward is in every bit as much trouble as Ari [,] and the odds are even as to who will be the victor. - add comma in brackets.
"If you don't mind, I'd love it if you'd pick up something [,] and we can eat out on the terrace, just the two of us. It's beautiful this morning, isn't it?" - add comma in brackets.
The elevator dropped him at his floor and in a moment [,] he was inside his condo. - remove comma in brackets.
He hadn't been home since he'd entered the clinic and had his face surgically altered [,] and he glanced around, nostalgic. - add comma in bracket.
"Did you get everything," she asked. - change comma to question mark.
They embraced [,] and he kissed her goodbye, promising no more than an hour, tops. - add comma in brackets. The word 'embraced' sounds very stiff and formal, kind of like an English butler would talk.
I emailed him right after you left [,] but nothing in response. - remove comma in bracket. You only need a comma if you hook two (or more) independent sentences together with a conjunction.
Muslim, Hindu, Orthodox Jew and Christian [,] and people of every racial makeup walked the boulevard in peace. - add comma in bracket. Are Orthodox Jew and Christian a mixed ethnicity or two separate ones? If two separate ones, add another comma after 'Jew.'
Something to think about:
He gave her a hug and murmured, "Sorry, darling. What a dumb damn thing to say. I'm batting a thousand today." - The alliteration makes this difficult to read, almost jerky. The words 'dumb damn' kind of trip over each other. It might be a smoother read if you just got rid of one of them.
Overall, this is very well written. Good luck in the contest. It is a contender for sure.
Suz
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Wow. I never thought that was going to happen. I figured Brad was going to do it - to protect Julia and keep her safe. But I like that Julia got to do it. It gave her closure. I found it terribly ironic that both characters went to great lengths to change their faces and take on a new identity in order to blend in and loose themselves in society, yet, here they are, in the middle of mayhem and need to disguise their new selves! Gotta love it.
This was an exceptional chapter. You skillfully layered on the tension, not releasing us until the very end. Julia's dialogue in the beginning was excellent. Her rant about Edward not telling her truth about their plan, and how she could do anything better than her brothers, was extremely realistic. I could see her in my mind's eye, pacing back and forth, wringing her hands, and I felt her anger grow as she spoke. You had good action all the way through that kept the story in forward motion, and it flowed well from scene to scene. You had me hooked from the first sentence. I flew through it - I couldn't read it fast enough.
Punctuation Problems:
"I want to stake out his hotel [,] and when he makes his appearance, I want to follow him and kill him myself, before he gets near the mosque." - add comma in brackets.
He and his men will also be armed, so Edward is in every bit as much trouble as Ari [,] and the odds are even as to who will be the victor. - add comma in brackets.
"If you don't mind, I'd love it if you'd pick up something [,] and we can eat out on the terrace, just the two of us. It's beautiful this morning, isn't it?" - add comma in brackets.
The elevator dropped him at his floor and in a moment [,] he was inside his condo. - remove comma in brackets.
He hadn't been home since he'd entered the clinic and had his face surgically altered [,] and he glanced around, nostalgic. - add comma in bracket.
"Did you get everything," she asked. - change comma to question mark.
They embraced [,] and he kissed her goodbye, promising no more than an hour, tops. - add comma in brackets. The word 'embraced' sounds very stiff and formal, kind of like an English butler would talk.
I emailed him right after you left [,] but nothing in response. - remove comma in bracket. You only need a comma if you hook two (or more) independent sentences together with a conjunction.
Muslim, Hindu, Orthodox Jew and Christian [,] and people of every racial makeup walked the boulevard in peace. - add comma in bracket. Are Orthodox Jew and Christian a mixed ethnicity or two separate ones? If two separate ones, add another comma after 'Jew.'
Something to think about:
He gave her a hug and murmured, "Sorry, darling. What a dumb damn thing to say. I'm batting a thousand today." - The alliteration makes this difficult to read, almost jerky. The words 'dumb damn' kind of trip over each other. It might be a smoother read if you just got rid of one of them.
Overall, this is very well written. Good luck in the contest. It is a contender for sure.
Suz
Comment Written 17-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Outstanding review, Suz. If I can, I'm giving you a thumb! If I win this one, it'll be thanks to you and your commas. I got them all where they belonged!
Much love and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from lludlow
Good, though I would've liked a bit more tension coming up to her shooting him.
Little things: "how about a mustache & goatee?" you don't need it. We see them inside his bag; "...without a sound. Click." How can you click when you just wrote "without a sound?; you need a transition or space after "I can hardly wait."; "It made her furious." We know that. You told us in the previous sentences. However, I think you could probably delete that entire paragraph. It doesn't add anything. Later, when they're walking toward the mosque you can mention that it's Julia behind Brad.
These are just little things. It's an excellent chapter.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Good, though I would've liked a bit more tension coming up to her shooting him.
Little things: "how about a mustache & goatee?" you don't need it. We see them inside his bag; "...without a sound. Click." How can you click when you just wrote "without a sound?; you need a transition or space after "I can hardly wait."; "It made her furious." We know that. You told us in the previous sentences. However, I think you could probably delete that entire paragraph. It doesn't add anything. Later, when they're walking toward the mosque you can mention that it's Julia behind Brad.
These are just little things. It's an excellent chapter.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2014
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Hi Ludlow and thanks for the great comments and ideas. I'll use them for sure.
Hugs and thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Millibrad
This is an excellent story. I like the way it calls attention to the subjugation of women by men who are often far less intelligent. The mystery unfolding is more than enough to grab and hold the reader. Good luck in the contest.
"He hates American's," delete the apostrophe.
"No one would recognize him now as the former owner of the condo, a government contractor and hired gun for the CIA, among other groups." "Former owner" is misleading if he is still the owner, only with a new face.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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This is an excellent story. I like the way it calls attention to the subjugation of women by men who are often far less intelligent. The mystery unfolding is more than enough to grab and hold the reader. Good luck in the contest.
"He hates American's," delete the apostrophe.
"No one would recognize him now as the former owner of the condo, a government contractor and hired gun for the CIA, among other groups." "Former owner" is misleading if he is still the owner, only with a new face.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Hey Milli, got that apostrophe, thanks so much.
Where you talk about 'former owner' I kind of faltered there myself. He's going to continue living there but with a new face and a new identity. Hmmm, I'll work on that a bit. Perhaps 'old owner'?
Thanks so much<~>
Gayle
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Don't change it. The more I consider it, I think it does work. I guess I jumped the gun on this one.
Comment from DonandVicki
Excellent flash fiction story. This has good character development and good story construction which holds the readers attention. Don and Vicki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Excellent flash fiction story. This has good character development and good story construction which holds the readers attention. Don and Vicki
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Hey Don, so glad you liked that. I felt I was able to get a full story in there, beginning, middle and end, without too much telling and backstory.
Thanks a bunch<
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Way to go, Annabelle. I just knew you'd let Julia do the job. But, now, how about Hamid and the rest of Ari's buddies?
Here's a typo:
He hates American's, (Americans)
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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Way to go, Annabelle. I just knew you'd let Julia do the job. But, now, how about Hamid and the rest of Ari's buddies?
Here's a typo:
He hates American's, (Americans)
Comment Written 16-Mar-2014
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2014
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HA! Freddie! I got the idea from you. Gosh, isn't this working out great? And of course, now Hamid is going to go after Julia and then we can get the team on board! Good grief, it took forever, lol.
And look at you with that gorgeous sixer. I got that apostrophe out of there, too.
You're the best.
Hugs,
Annabelle
double tapped with hollow points. Just what the bastard deserved.
