Pantoum Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Elephant Ride"Poems written using the pantoum form
82 total reviews
Comment from goompa
Hey Tony: Boy, you sure are an expert at styles of poetry about which I knew nothing until I signed up at fan story. It's been great learning from you. Great job!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Hey Tony: Boy, you sure are an expert at styles of poetry about which I knew nothing until I signed up at fan story. It's been great learning from you. Great job!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks very much for your flattering review, Goompa! It's got me off to a good start for the day!
Comment from emjaihammond
Wonderful informative photograph and poem. Both are extremely successful here. Really sad the story it tells us and I hope perhaps someone who can help will see it and do something to help.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Wonderful informative photograph and poem. Both are extremely successful here. Really sad the story it tells us and I hope perhaps someone who can help will see it and do something to help.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Many thanks for your review MJH. There is some great work being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely.
Comment from Emeka13
Hi Tony,
Your poem highlights a subject close to my heart. Hardly anyone spares a thought for the feeling of the animals that entertain tourists. Sure those animals would prefer life in the wild. To train them to entertain humans is hard on the animals. Will anyone take note? The Pantoun structure is a new one on me but you have mastery of it.
Well done
Remain blessed
Emeka
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Hi Tony,
Your poem highlights a subject close to my heart. Hardly anyone spares a thought for the feeling of the animals that entertain tourists. Sure those animals would prefer life in the wild. To train them to entertain humans is hard on the animals. Will anyone take note? The Pantoun structure is a new one on me but you have mastery of it.
Well done
Remain blessed
Emeka
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks, Emeka for your empathetic review. There is some great work being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely.
Comment from Mteske
Great word choice- sways, crushed, demeans, journey etc. THe picture that you posted portrays the voice of your poem and your description is great. Good job!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Great word choice- sways, crushed, demeans, journey etc. THe picture that you posted portrays the voice of your poem and your description is great. Good job!
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks, Mteske! I appreciate your review and am glad you enjoyed the poem.
Comment from c_lucas
Man's arrogance brings misery to other species. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Your poem has good imagery.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Man's arrogance brings misery to other species. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Your poem has good imagery.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks, c_lucas! I appreciate your review and am glad you enjoyed the poem. There is some great work being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely.
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It's hard to argue with ignorance.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I feel so sorry for animals taken out of their normal habitat to profit a greedy person. I hope God has a special place for those people. Karma in the end. LOL Well written pantoum. Nancy
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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I feel so sorry for animals taken out of their normal habitat to profit a greedy person. I hope God has a special place for those people. Karma in the end. LOL Well written pantoum. Nancy
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks for your empathetic comments and review, Nancy. There is some great work being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education
Comment from krys123
My gratitude is to you Tony for sharing this pantourn poem with fans, myself another reader/writers. A very sad poem all throughout the piece. You handle a delicate situation very well and make it known very easily to others the fate of this giant majestic creature and all for the pleasures, of what seems to be, and inconsiderable onlookers. A very well done written piece of work Tony and a wonderful picture that complements the poem and vice a versa. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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My gratitude is to you Tony for sharing this pantourn poem with fans, myself another reader/writers. A very sad poem all throughout the piece. You handle a delicate situation very well and make it known very easily to others the fate of this giant majestic creature and all for the pleasures, of what seems to be, and inconsiderable onlookers. A very well done written piece of work Tony and a wonderful picture that complements the poem and vice a versa. You have a good one and God bless.
AK
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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Thanks, AK, for your empathetic review and kind comments. There is some great work being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely.
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You are so welcome Tony and it's a darn shame what the elephants go through now.
Comment from Eternal Muse
Another great pantoum. Poor elephants - your picture is so dear. I feel sorry for their lot who have to endure to tourist rides. What exploitation of animals!
Smooth nice lines in iambic tetrameter. The meter is good throughout, except for this line:
Seeking solace from her despair
Iambic meter is an unstressed word followed by a STRESSED.
Here is a suggestion:
The elephant sways side to side
In search of solace from despair
These were were poignant lines, and left a deep impression on me:
Ganesh the god must shed a tear
The elephant sways side to side
Her wistful eye so full of fear
At what dire cost our tourist ride
Another powerful write, my friend. You seem to like a pantoum form.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Another great pantoum. Poor elephants - your picture is so dear. I feel sorry for their lot who have to endure to tourist rides. What exploitation of animals!
Smooth nice lines in iambic tetrameter. The meter is good throughout, except for this line:
Seeking solace from her despair
Iambic meter is an unstressed word followed by a STRESSED.
Here is a suggestion:
The elephant sways side to side
In search of solace from despair
These were were poignant lines, and left a deep impression on me:
Ganesh the god must shed a tear
The elephant sways side to side
Her wistful eye so full of fear
At what dire cost our tourist ride
Another powerful write, my friend. You seem to like a pantoum form.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks very much for your thorough review and criticism. You are absolutely right, of course, about the flaw in the rhythm. Thank you for that and for such an easy suggested fix, which I have implemented. I think the pantoum has great merit for certain kinds of poem and I'm thinking of publishing a small collection of them if I can sustain the muse!
Comment from RGstar
Your explanation of repeated lines in your author note sound like a carefully mapped out formula to a chess game.
It worries the pants of me to even attempt such manoeuvrings :)
That is the beauty and complexity of the written word, that its boundaries are endless.
And so should it be.
I think, for me, the only way to have achieved that in which you have written is to have stumbled upon it naturally, such sounds the complexity of this one.
Having read the poem first before seeing your author's notes, I quite soon realized near the third stanza that there must be a formula attached, though in the beginning thought it was just the art itself of recurring lines in which you had decided.
And how well you have written this Tony.?
I knew who Ganesh was he is both a truth to many children of the Asian community as he is of myth to us.
Despite the intricate maze of its creation, you managed to deliver a potent message in terms of the Elephant and its plight regarding tourism and its facade.
You effortlessness, in words, with its twist and turns described the mighty beast and its reforms in which many have little knowledge of.
Yes there are other feats this mighty animal has been trained for in which we could turn a blind eye for the sake of need in the plight of the poor....But! This is not one of them.
Oh, how still the mighty falls, when we the minnows of nature think ourselves its ruler.
Tony, this will be the avenue of my next poem released. It will be inspired from you, and this which you have written.
We can do little, except bring awareness to those who do not have the knowledge or seek not to know. Thereby only, can change occur.
The mental agony of this great beast must be one of cruelty until it is fully brainwashed into performing unnaturally, yet we close our eyes to the feat.
For the difficulty in its structure, I give you a 5 stars for this, as not the structure, that commands its resonance, but only its stability.
But for its deliverance, using such a structure, and its subject matter and the ease which you imprinted this in my mind, I willfully and wholeheartedly give you a well earned 6 stars.
My next release, as said, will be addressed to you as its influence. Watch for it in the next two days. I will begin writing this evening.
Well done my friend. A wise and just poem, even if the structure dominates, I knew not of its formula until after reading it.
A well deserved 6.
''Seeking solace from her despair''
''Her wistful eye so full of fear''
Those repeated lines , sum it up for me of the emotion this write exudes.
Best wishes, Tony,
Have a good day.
RG
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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Your explanation of repeated lines in your author note sound like a carefully mapped out formula to a chess game.
It worries the pants of me to even attempt such manoeuvrings :)
That is the beauty and complexity of the written word, that its boundaries are endless.
And so should it be.
I think, for me, the only way to have achieved that in which you have written is to have stumbled upon it naturally, such sounds the complexity of this one.
Having read the poem first before seeing your author's notes, I quite soon realized near the third stanza that there must be a formula attached, though in the beginning thought it was just the art itself of recurring lines in which you had decided.
And how well you have written this Tony.?
I knew who Ganesh was he is both a truth to many children of the Asian community as he is of myth to us.
Despite the intricate maze of its creation, you managed to deliver a potent message in terms of the Elephant and its plight regarding tourism and its facade.
You effortlessness, in words, with its twist and turns described the mighty beast and its reforms in which many have little knowledge of.
Yes there are other feats this mighty animal has been trained for in which we could turn a blind eye for the sake of need in the plight of the poor....But! This is not one of them.
Oh, how still the mighty falls, when we the minnows of nature think ourselves its ruler.
Tony, this will be the avenue of my next poem released. It will be inspired from you, and this which you have written.
We can do little, except bring awareness to those who do not have the knowledge or seek not to know. Thereby only, can change occur.
The mental agony of this great beast must be one of cruelty until it is fully brainwashed into performing unnaturally, yet we close our eyes to the feat.
For the difficulty in its structure, I give you a 5 stars for this, as not the structure, that commands its resonance, but only its stability.
But for its deliverance, using such a structure, and its subject matter and the ease which you imprinted this in my mind, I willfully and wholeheartedly give you a well earned 6 stars.
My next release, as said, will be addressed to you as its influence. Watch for it in the next two days. I will begin writing this evening.
Well done my friend. A wise and just poem, even if the structure dominates, I knew not of its formula until after reading it.
A well deserved 6.
''Seeking solace from her despair''
''Her wistful eye so full of fear''
Those repeated lines , sum it up for me of the emotion this write exudes.
Best wishes, Tony,
Have a good day.
RG
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2013
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Thanks, RG, for your detailed review, high praise and empathetic comments. There is some great work being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely.
Comment from denhagan
This is a nice pantoum poem, written in iambic tetrameter with great rhythm and rhyming throughout the poem. Tony, in the last stanza, the first line becomes the last line and the third line becomes the second line, for a typical pantoum.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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This is a nice pantoum poem, written in iambic tetrameter with great rhythm and rhyming throughout the poem. Tony, in the last stanza, the first line becomes the last line and the third line becomes the second line, for a typical pantoum.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks for that, Dennis. Obvious when you think about it! It completes the circularity much better. I've made the change and think the poem better for it. I appreciate your help.
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You're welcome my friend,
Dennis
