Pantoum Collection
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "The Elephant Ride"Poems written using the pantoum form
82 total reviews
Comment from visionary1234
It saddens me to think of these incredible creatures 'tamed' and flogged as 'rides' and photo opportunities to tourists - or worse, of course. Unusual subject for a pantoum - love the originality of the piece! Rhythm a bit bumpy though?
:)S
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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It saddens me to think of these incredible creatures 'tamed' and flogged as 'rides' and photo opportunities to tourists - or worse, of course. Unusual subject for a pantoum - love the originality of the piece! Rhythm a bit bumpy though?
:)S
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Many thanks for your review and comments. Much appreciated. I had another look at the rhythm. Seems to be pretty consistent iambic tetrameter as far as I can see. Where did you find the bumps?
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Just looking at the 'how you say it' analysis:
The elephant sways side to side
da dum da da dum dum da dum
would be how we'd 'say' this
if you're 'imposing' your tetrameter it would have to be:
the EL e PHANT sways SIDE to SIDE
putting a strong stress on 'phant' which wouldn't be correct
To seek solace from her despair
we'd say:
to SEEK SOL ace from HER des PAIR
but you'd have us scan thus:
to SEEK sol ACE from HER des PAIR
putting the strong stress on 'ace' - we wouldn't pronounce it like that
At what dire cost our tourist ride
this one we could accept as iambic tetrameter, though complicated a little by different pronunciations of 'dire' - but that's ok
How dastardly her journey here
and this one's in perfect iambic tetrameter
Basically, one 'listens' to how the word is really pronounced when you speak it, yes? Otherwise the rhythm is 'imposed'
Sorry - I'm a purist honey!!
:) Sharyn
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Hi Sharyn! Most remiss of me not to have replied to this sooner. I very much value your feedback and have cut-and-pasted it to the current draft of my poem so that I can go back at leisure before too much longer and ponder upon ways to iron out these bumps. I really appreciate you going back to the poem and giving me the great benefit of this specific feedback. It is really most helpful! I'll drop you a note when I have made the appropriate revisions. It may take a while as I need 26 hours to the day at the moment!
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no worries my dear - it's all fine tuning and I'm busy in a theatre production at the moment, so even 26 hours in a day isn't enough to draw breath! I'm looking forward to a return to sanity next week!!! :)S
Comment from GracieAnn
tfawcus, this pantoum is well crafted and with it comes a strong and regrettable message of the disrespect and lack of protection provided for this magnificent animal. I know they have elephant cemeteries that they will visit and pay their respects to their dead. It breaks my heart and I thank you for raising awareness. Good work. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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tfawcus, this pantoum is well crafted and with it comes a strong and regrettable message of the disrespect and lack of protection provided for this magnificent animal. I know they have elephant cemeteries that they will visit and pay their respects to their dead. It breaks my heart and I thank you for raising awareness. Good work. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Many thanks, GracieAnn, for your kind and empathetic review!
Comment from Bryana
Beautiful poem though rather sad. I love
animals and don't like when people abuse
them and believe the elephant is being
abused for the enjoyment of the tourists.
I hope they are treated better.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Beautiful poem though rather sad. I love
animals and don't like when people abuse
them and believe the elephant is being
abused for the enjoyment of the tourists.
I hope they are treated better.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Many thanks, Bryana, for your kind and empathetic review!
Comment from honeytree
The art work is brilliant for these words.
I often wonder how the elephants cope
With the tourists rides,they must get very tired
I am sure they would work very hard.
Honey tree
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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The art work is brilliant for these words.
I often wonder how the elephants cope
With the tourists rides,they must get very tired
I am sure they would work very hard.
Honey tree
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Many thanks, Honey tree, for your kind and empathetic review!
Comment from mermaids
Your smooth flow of words and lines give a voice to the elephant who should be wild and free,not a servant of man. Excellent theme and imagery that creates strong feelings in the reader.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Your smooth flow of words and lines give a voice to the elephant who should be wild and free,not a servant of man. Excellent theme and imagery that creates strong feelings in the reader.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Many thanks for your kind review, Mermaids. Much appreciated.
Comment from Journey woman
Ganesh the god must shed a tear
At what dire cost our tourist ride
Her wistful eye so full of fear
The elephant sways side to side
When I was a child the city zoo allowed rides on this one elephant. This brought back memories but also reminded me that as a child I felt sad for the elepant and knew he or she was very unhappy. I did not like to stop and watch, nor would I take a ride.
Good job.
Journey Woman
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Ganesh the god must shed a tear
At what dire cost our tourist ride
Her wistful eye so full of fear
The elephant sways side to side
When I was a child the city zoo allowed rides on this one elephant. This brought back memories but also reminded me that as a child I felt sad for the elepant and knew he or she was very unhappy. I did not like to stop and watch, nor would I take a ride.
Good job.
Journey Woman
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Thank you for your kind review, Journey Woman. I also remember the elephant rides at London Zoo when I was little. There always seemed to be a wistful, far-away look in the elephant's eye. The traditional training methods used in South-East Asia to 'break' elephants are quite barbaric. However, there is some great work currently being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand, but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely. That is one of the reasons my daughter was up there
Comment from Leineco
Sadly, it is true...what we humans do. In the name of entertainment, we bully and demean the world of nature. But I am guilty too. I love the zoos and wildlife parks. And spend hours at the aquatic tanks. I tell myself lies about species being saved and captive bred fragility. But I know the truth. And though elephants have been bred to labor for centuries....it doesn't make it any easier when you have to look one in the eye.
Very effective write.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Sadly, it is true...what we humans do. In the name of entertainment, we bully and demean the world of nature. But I am guilty too. I love the zoos and wildlife parks. And spend hours at the aquatic tanks. I tell myself lies about species being saved and captive bred fragility. But I know the truth. And though elephants have been bred to labor for centuries....it doesn't make it any easier when you have to look one in the eye.
Very effective write.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Many thanks for your lovely empathetic response to my poem. I remember the elephant rides at London Zoo when I was little. There always seemed to be a wistful, far-away look in the elephant's eye. The traditional training methods used in South-East Asia to 'break' elephants are quite barbaric. However, there is some great work currently being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand, but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely. That is one of the reasons my daughter was up there
Comment from Martin Chan
A nicely composed pantoum poem written about elephant rides by tourists that is a form of cruelness to animals. A good rhyming format poem which is so nicely presented and with a good theme.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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A nicely composed pantoum poem written about elephant rides by tourists that is a form of cruelness to animals. A good rhyming format poem which is so nicely presented and with a good theme.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Very many thanks for your review of my poem and the six-star rating, which I very much appreciate. I remember the elephant rides at London Zoo when I was little. There always seemed to be a wistful, far-away look in the elephant's eye. The traditional training methods used in South-East Asia to 'break' elephants are quite barbaric. However, there is some great work currently being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand, but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely. That is one of the reasons my daughter was up there.
Comment from Louise Michelle
Oh, God, I'm practically in tears. They say that elephants never forget, so they must really suffer from happier memories while in captivity. You wrote this well! Hugs, Lou
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Oh, God, I'm practically in tears. They say that elephants never forget, so they must really suffer from happier memories while in captivity. You wrote this well! Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Hi, Lou! Thanks so much for your empathetic response to my poem. I remember the elephant rides at London Zoo when I was little. There always seemed to be a wistful, far-away look in the elephant's eye. The traditional training methods used in South-East Asia to 'break' elephants are quite barbaric. However, there is some great work currently being done in elephant sanctuaries up in Thailand, but until the mass of visiting tourists transfer their allegiance to these the almighty tourist dollar will continue to sustain the elephant trekking business. It is a matter of re-education largely. That is one of the reasons my daughter was up there.
Comment from Ekim777
I love the pantoum verse form especially when the lines fall neatly into place as demonstrated by our poet. I love the awesome sight of elephants, especially those found free in the wild. Even the aged among them, display their nobility, hide their savagery. Our poet's imagery displays details in a fine manner and evokes our sympathy. -Ekim777
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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I love the pantoum verse form especially when the lines fall neatly into place as demonstrated by our poet. I love the awesome sight of elephants, especially those found free in the wild. Even the aged among them, display their nobility, hide their savagery. Our poet's imagery displays details in a fine manner and evokes our sympathy. -Ekim777
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Thank you very much, Ekim777, for your kind review and for the six-star rating, which I very much appreciate!
