Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "Diana and The Return of Olan Rawls"Science fiction.
17 total reviews
Comment from Ricky1024
Heavy duty piece Bill
Rich in horror and death...
Past of life and normal..
Theme and imagery blend well here...
Adjective content was superior and objective content was excellent...
Thanks,
Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Heavy duty piece Bill
Rich in horror and death...
Past of life and normal..
Theme and imagery blend well here...
Adjective content was superior and objective content was excellent...
Thanks,
Ricky 1024
Comment Written 09-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2017
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Thanks, Ricky. Olan has been through a lot, so I don't give Ernesto too good of odds.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill. Excellent plot going here and superb images:
"Moving backwards slowly, Ernesto felt himself shaking as the huge man grew nearer"
Suggestions: Your recap, although good makes your page appear jumbled and therefore not "reader-friendly" Paragraphing is vital in order to fix that...I would also consider trimming it back and making it more brief.
Also: Your opening paragraph is a bit dicey because of the way it is worded
"Ernesto Rivera was about to enter his shower when he heard a scream coming from his bedroom. Rushing out with his robe thrown open, he saw, standing by the young girl, whom he had left lying in bed, Olan Rawls. You want this paragraph to always be surprising or strong in some way so as to "hook" the reader. I suggest this:
" Just as Ernesto Rivera was about to take a shower he heard a scream coming from his bedroom. He rushed out, robe wide open, and saw Olan Rawls standing next to the young girl he had left lying in the bed."
"The thin, shapely, blue-eyed girl had....." A good rule of thumb is use only one....maximum two adjectives when describing anything. You have three here. Pick the one or two most important and can the rest.
Here are a few tips that may help you in yur writing. They come from a best-selling author Elmore Leonard and theyn have worked for me, Bill:
"Never open a book with weather.
Avoid prologues.
Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"...he admonished gravely.
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
I trust I have helped you in some way here, my friend. Good job overall, just needs some tech polish. Bob
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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Hi, Bill. Excellent plot going here and superb images:
"Moving backwards slowly, Ernesto felt himself shaking as the huge man grew nearer"
Suggestions: Your recap, although good makes your page appear jumbled and therefore not "reader-friendly" Paragraphing is vital in order to fix that...I would also consider trimming it back and making it more brief.
Also: Your opening paragraph is a bit dicey because of the way it is worded
"Ernesto Rivera was about to enter his shower when he heard a scream coming from his bedroom. Rushing out with his robe thrown open, he saw, standing by the young girl, whom he had left lying in bed, Olan Rawls. You want this paragraph to always be surprising or strong in some way so as to "hook" the reader. I suggest this:
" Just as Ernesto Rivera was about to take a shower he heard a scream coming from his bedroom. He rushed out, robe wide open, and saw Olan Rawls standing next to the young girl he had left lying in the bed."
"The thin, shapely, blue-eyed girl had....." A good rule of thumb is use only one....maximum two adjectives when describing anything. You have three here. Pick the one or two most important and can the rest.
Here are a few tips that may help you in yur writing. They come from a best-selling author Elmore Leonard and theyn have worked for me, Bill:
"Never open a book with weather.
Avoid prologues.
Never use a verb other than "said" to carry dialogue.
Never use an adverb to modify the verb "said"...he admonished gravely.
Keep your exclamation points under control. You are allowed no more than two or three per 100,000 words of prose.
Never use the words "suddenly" or "all hell broke loose."
Use regional dialect, patois, sparingly.
Avoid detailed descriptions of characters.
Don't go into great detail describing places and things.
Try to leave out the part that readers tend to skip.
My most important rule is one that sums up the 10.
If it sounds like writing, I rewrite it.
I trust I have helped you in some way here, my friend. Good job overall, just needs some tech polish. Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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I really appreciate the time you've put into this review. I'll be sure to employ the tips you 'be suggested.
Comment from adewpearl
Rushing out with his robe thrown open, he - add the comma
Excellent use of dialogue to convey the intense emotions of the characters
A most dramatic scene that depicts a sense of real danger most effectively
Brooke
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Rushing out with his robe thrown open, he - add the comma
Excellent use of dialogue to convey the intense emotions of the characters
A most dramatic scene that depicts a sense of real danger most effectively
Brooke
Comment Written 22-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2013
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Those commas...ya gotta love 'em. Thank you for reviewing this chapter, Brooke. I was hoping to present Rawls as even more of a monster than he was already.
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hi Bill
Wow what a violent story! Cannot imagine there are human beings that revel in violence. Altogether the story's descriptive details drew a clear picture.
Good writing skills
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Hi Bill
Wow what a violent story! Cannot imagine there are human beings that revel in violence. Altogether the story's descriptive details drew a clear picture.
Good writing skills
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thank you for reviewing, Sylvia. I typically warn readers that it is violent, but this chapter is actually pretty mild. Ernesto won't do well though.
Comment from CR Delport
I don't normally enjoy stories that contain violence against women, especially of this nature. This is well written and I found no obvious errors.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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I don't normally enjoy stories that contain violence against women, especially of this nature. This is well written and I found no obvious errors.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thank you for reviewing. I typically warn readers that it is violent, but this chapter is actually pretty mild. The girl survives, but Ernesto's life expectancy is bleak.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Uh oh, so Olan is on to Rivera's role in the plot to kill him, and mow he's tracked him down to exact a little revenge, get some payback. Poor Rivera. I can only imagine what devious dealings Olan's got planned for him...
I doubt that Olan will allow the woman locked in the head to simply waltz away. After all, a loose end is a dead end. Olan is a big dude, with several characteristics she could point out to the cops to finger him. Nope, she's not going anywhere anytime soon.
Another fantastic chapter, Bill, and, as all good horror and suspense writer's are wont to do, you leave us off at a crucial place in the ongoing story of The Pale Sisters...
Great job!
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Uh oh, so Olan is on to Rivera's role in the plot to kill him, and mow he's tracked him down to exact a little revenge, get some payback. Poor Rivera. I can only imagine what devious dealings Olan's got planned for him...
I doubt that Olan will allow the woman locked in the head to simply waltz away. After all, a loose end is a dead end. Olan is a big dude, with several characteristics she could point out to the cops to finger him. Nope, she's not going anywhere anytime soon.
Another fantastic chapter, Bill, and, as all good horror and suspense writer's are wont to do, you leave us off at a crucial place in the ongoing story of The Pale Sisters...
Great job!
Comment Written 19-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2013
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Thanks, Dean, for the positive review.
Comment from lindalcreel
Wow -Wow -Wow; did I say that already? This was an intense chapter and I do appreciate the back story because it's been a while since I've read any of your posts. This was exceptional and I'll have to go back and catch up. I wish I had ten starts to give you because...it was that good. Thanks so much for sharing. Will take a peek at the other chapters now.
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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2013
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Wow -Wow -Wow; did I say that already? This was an intense chapter and I do appreciate the back story because it's been a while since I've read any of your posts. This was exceptional and I'll have to go back and catch up. I wish I had ten starts to give you because...it was that good. Thanks so much for sharing. Will take a peek at the other chapters now.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much, Linda, for the stunning review. I have been distracted from the site for some time and am trying to get this story back on track.
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Welcome. This was an amazing way to come back. Look forward to reading the next post:)
