The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Sweet Springs, USA"Love Among the Thorns
39 total reviews
Comment from JM daSilva
It was bad but he was lucky the problem arose just in time to help his reputation. Good job.
Spag suggestions.
100(-) foot cliff overlooking the scenic greenery. The ground contact reduced her buxom body
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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It was bad but he was lucky the problem arose just in time to help his reputation. Good job.
Spag suggestions.
100(-) foot cliff overlooking the scenic greenery. The ground contact reduced her buxom body
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you for reviewing and for suggestions.
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Pleasure.
Comment from CR Delport
Quite an interesting read that is generally well written. Just a couple of things I picked up.
and none had reactioned to --- reacted
Veteranarians from other nearby --- Veterinarians
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Quite an interesting read that is generally well written. Just a couple of things I picked up.
and none had reactioned to --- reacted
Veteranarians from other nearby --- Veterinarians
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you for your review and I will make changes.
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Poor Nate.
He did do a dastardly thing but to feel you have another's' death on your hands is a lifelong punishment.
Well written and very believable.
The story is interesting and well detailed and follows the hatred of a small town when one of its own seems wronged. Nate is only forgiven when he saves the town.
Can he ever truly forgive himself?
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Poor Nate.
He did do a dastardly thing but to feel you have another's' death on your hands is a lifelong punishment.
Well written and very believable.
The story is interesting and well detailed and follows the hatred of a small town when one of its own seems wronged. Nate is only forgiven when he saves the town.
Can he ever truly forgive himself?
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much seken58 for reading and reviewing. I don't think one ever really gets over it, but in - the pain subsides.
Comment from christopherjl
Thank you for sharing. The piece is fine; however, you make wish to put a rating for the graphic nature and adult content contained within. I'm afraid some of the people on the site may request it because of the nature of the writing. Thanks for sharing :)
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you for sharing. The piece is fine; however, you make wish to put a rating for the graphic nature and adult content contained within. I'm afraid some of the people on the site may request it because of the nature of the writing. Thanks for sharing :)
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. I didn't think it was graphic, but if I get another complaint I'll consider.
Comment from JB Lynn
"From a distance, her scarlet hair lay indistinguishable from the bright red mass splashed upon the stony ground." - Very good description. This paints the image of a woman's body lying in blood expertly.
I like how you used the cattle infestation to bring your main character back into the "good graces" of the small town. It's a great job of illustrating how gossip and rumors can seem so devastating at the beginning even though it's only a matter of time before something worse - or more exciting - comes along and turns the gossip mill in another direction.
Well done. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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"From a distance, her scarlet hair lay indistinguishable from the bright red mass splashed upon the stony ground." - Very good description. This paints the image of a woman's body lying in blood expertly.
I like how you used the cattle infestation to bring your main character back into the "good graces" of the small town. It's a great job of illustrating how gossip and rumors can seem so devastating at the beginning even though it's only a matter of time before something worse - or more exciting - comes along and turns the gossip mill in another direction.
Well done. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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And thank you JB for not only reading but analyzing my plot. I applaud you.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Question: in that day and age where folks were rigid and young women were raised to be correct and proper, the townsfolk would have known Eva was living in sin she could have been shunned ... did it ever become an issue?
If I were Grace, I'd never be able to marry him or trust him!
Koren was a playboy ??.. ooh!!
Oh, that man is SO lucky that providence in the form of a cattle problem, intervened!
Nice going, Aunty Harriet. You have created one heck of a man!!
Some suggestions below.
Hugs to you, my friend. :0
xx
Sonali
As the accusations reached maximum strength, ... suggest: ... reached their climax
known to many town folk ... townsfolk
hid behind his mansion walls for weeks ... behind the walls of his mansion ...
lending his practice over to Dr. Koren .. handing his practice over ...
stating that he couldn't bear bringing Grace to live in ... he couldn't bear to bring Grace to live in
town well beyond its usual demeanor... demeanour refers to people ... suggest: its usual apathy/calm
her parents sent her to relatives in Canada until the matter cooled... suggest: in Canada, to recover her composure
cloth(-)covered picnic basket
Now, go up and bath(e) and ... (take a bath/bathe)
"Why - Eva? Why did you do it?" (he asked her in his mind's eye) ... suggest: ... he cried out
You can't keep blaming yourself - you know(.) (not question mark)?"
Although the death of Eva(no comma here) and the flying rumors of blame had dealt a terrible blow to this once very quiet and close-knit town, things were about to( seem a whole lot worst) for the ... suggest: .. about to take a turn for the worse
It had devastated cattleman long .. what had? ... The plague?
but (carried) a serious look on his face as he moved from ... but wore/had a serious look on his face ...
No redder or smelly than usual." .. or smellier ...
cows (weren't) grooming
and none (of them) had showed reaction to his ... had reacted to his ...
Nathan's worrisome look and (no answers) .. and lack of response to his questions.
outside washroom to wash his hands .. the outhouse?
But in just hours, the news moved like a dust storm ... suggest: ... Within hours, the news travelled like a dust storm
to treat Sweet Springs(') infected cattle
Mayor from across Texas held (his) breath while the
White stood and (fidgeted with) the brim of his hat.
And what if they can't stop this thing(?)
shouts of anger (pursued the mayor as he addressed) ....
print anything unless he (the mayor) was notified ... suggest: print anything unless he had been notified ...
veteranarians(') (ability) to (squash) this outbreak before it destroy(ed) the town and the entire Texas beef industry.
Finally, the town blew a huge breath of relief ... suggest: ... breathed a huge sigh of relief
preferred not only in the (S)tates,
Koren, who had witnessed wors(e) infestations (outbreaks?)
mildest (one) he'd ever seen.
It was speculated that sometime ago, when one of Pullman's cows run off and wasn't found until the next day, that it may have grazed in tick infested grass (by wild-life) and brought back to the herd .. this sentence is a bit convoluted. Consider dropping it? (or re-word - I'm too sleepy now to work on suggestions!)
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Question: in that day and age where folks were rigid and young women were raised to be correct and proper, the townsfolk would have known Eva was living in sin she could have been shunned ... did it ever become an issue?
If I were Grace, I'd never be able to marry him or trust him!
Koren was a playboy ??.. ooh!!
Oh, that man is SO lucky that providence in the form of a cattle problem, intervened!
Nice going, Aunty Harriet. You have created one heck of a man!!
Some suggestions below.
Hugs to you, my friend. :0
xx
Sonali
As the accusations reached maximum strength, ... suggest: ... reached their climax
known to many town folk ... townsfolk
hid behind his mansion walls for weeks ... behind the walls of his mansion ...
lending his practice over to Dr. Koren .. handing his practice over ...
stating that he couldn't bear bringing Grace to live in ... he couldn't bear to bring Grace to live in
town well beyond its usual demeanor... demeanour refers to people ... suggest: its usual apathy/calm
her parents sent her to relatives in Canada until the matter cooled... suggest: in Canada, to recover her composure
cloth(-)covered picnic basket
Now, go up and bath(e) and ... (take a bath/bathe)
"Why - Eva? Why did you do it?" (he asked her in his mind's eye) ... suggest: ... he cried out
You can't keep blaming yourself - you know(.) (not question mark)?"
Although the death of Eva(no comma here) and the flying rumors of blame had dealt a terrible blow to this once very quiet and close-knit town, things were about to( seem a whole lot worst) for the ... suggest: .. about to take a turn for the worse
It had devastated cattleman long .. what had? ... The plague?
but (carried) a serious look on his face as he moved from ... but wore/had a serious look on his face ...
No redder or smelly than usual." .. or smellier ...
cows (weren't) grooming
and none (of them) had showed reaction to his ... had reacted to his ...
Nathan's worrisome look and (no answers) .. and lack of response to his questions.
outside washroom to wash his hands .. the outhouse?
But in just hours, the news moved like a dust storm ... suggest: ... Within hours, the news travelled like a dust storm
to treat Sweet Springs(') infected cattle
Mayor from across Texas held (his) breath while the
White stood and (fidgeted with) the brim of his hat.
And what if they can't stop this thing(?)
shouts of anger (pursued the mayor as he addressed) ....
print anything unless he (the mayor) was notified ... suggest: print anything unless he had been notified ...
veteranarians(') (ability) to (squash) this outbreak before it destroy(ed) the town and the entire Texas beef industry.
Finally, the town blew a huge breath of relief ... suggest: ... breathed a huge sigh of relief
preferred not only in the (S)tates,
Koren, who had witnessed wors(e) infestations (outbreaks?)
mildest (one) he'd ever seen.
It was speculated that sometime ago, when one of Pullman's cows run off and wasn't found until the next day, that it may have grazed in tick infested grass (by wild-life) and brought back to the herd .. this sentence is a bit convoluted. Consider dropping it? (or re-word - I'm too sleepy now to work on suggestions!)
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much for sticking with my story and giving great suggestions. I've made many corrections.
BTW, Eva was very wealthy and owned acres of land were she build a great mansion. She had no neighbors, so none of the town folk knew when Nathan spent the night. They saw them together at events when they came to town and that's it.
I hope that helps.
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Yes, it helps. I don't know why I assumed they were living together.
Thanks, dear. :)
Comment from boxergirl
This is a strong beginning to this chapter. The first part was very descriptive about Eva's jump and how the town reacted to this tragedy. Then the last part about the tic fever gave Nathan a reprieve from the gossip and even made him the hero when he saved the community. I was engaged from start to finish and look forward to the next part. 8-)
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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This is a strong beginning to this chapter. The first part was very descriptive about Eva's jump and how the town reacted to this tragedy. Then the last part about the tic fever gave Nathan a reprieve from the gossip and even made him the hero when he saved the community. I was engaged from start to finish and look forward to the next part. 8-)
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much for liking my chapter.
Comment from Ric Myworld
You are a very good writer who knows how to keep the action moving with narration and dialog, and your word choices are great. Your skills are far superior to mine so there is nothing I can say that might help you in any way, other than, a couple type-O's.
"After your cows gave birth, did you noticedany ...
He notice the cows weren't...
Your cattle suffering from ...(Please, forgive me if this was done for dialect.)
Koren, who had witness ... (again, sorry, if meant for this to be this way.)
It was speculated that sometime ago, when one of Pullman's cows ...
Thanks for an enjoyable read!
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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You are a very good writer who knows how to keep the action moving with narration and dialog, and your word choices are great. Your skills are far superior to mine so there is nothing I can say that might help you in any way, other than, a couple type-O's.
"After your cows gave birth, did you noticed
He notice
Your cattle
Koren, who had witness
It was speculated that sometime ago, when one of Pullman's cows
Thanks for an enjoyable read!
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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That you so much Ric. I've made the corrections. Both characters are college educated men. Their dialogue should reflect that. It was my mistake.
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We all make them. However, none more than me.
Comment from robina1978
Nathan managed to get himself in an impossible position with two girls in love with him and vice-versa. When he breaks it off with one, she commits suicide.
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Nathan managed to get himself in an impossible position with two girls in love with him and vice-versa. When he breaks it off with one, she commits suicide.
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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thank you robina.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, amahra, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where nathan is blamed for eva's death and the wedding gets postponed. grace is in canada getting over depression
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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this is very well written, amahra, you did an excellent job writing this chapter where nathan is blamed for eva's death and the wedding gets postponed. grace is in canada getting over depression
Comment Written 23-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 23-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much, my dear.
