The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Sweet Springs, USA"Love Among the Thorns
39 total reviews
Comment from alexgeorge
Amahra!!!!! You have a wicked streak in you, what with the way you describe Eva's final demise. I love it.
You know your animals well, otherwise, you've researched the topic of cows' disease very well.
Here's two suggestions for you, but take them or leave them as you like:
"No redder or smelly(smellier) than usual"
'Pullman became agitated at Nathan's worrisome look and [no](lack of) response to his questions.'
Again, I feel as though I am watching a movie--excellent writing, amahra.
Nothing like saving an entire region from catastrophe to make people forget your past transgressions--even though, I agree the blame lays lightly on Nathan, though he could have avoided having sex with Eva from day 1.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Amahra!!!!! You have a wicked streak in you, what with the way you describe Eva's final demise. I love it.
You know your animals well, otherwise, you've researched the topic of cows' disease very well.
Here's two suggestions for you, but take them or leave them as you like:
"No redder or smelly(smellier) than usual"
'Pullman became agitated at Nathan's worrisome look and [no](lack of) response to his questions.'
Again, I feel as though I am watching a movie--excellent writing, amahra.
Nothing like saving an entire region from catastrophe to make people forget your past transgressions--even though, I agree the blame lays lightly on Nathan, though he could have avoided having sex with Eva from day 1.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much for enjoying this read, my friend. Yip! research, research, research. LOL I don't think I'll be doing a period story for quite some time. It's really time consuming. I'll take another look at "Pullmnan became," line. But the dialogue has to stay the same, because my character is not educated and he really speaks that way. Again, thanks, my friend.
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Eva is gone, not the way I had hoped for. I guess I just figured she would take the news and move on. But not to be. Now Grace is completely distressed. At least Nathan told her the truth and now (if she forgives him) they can eventually have a fresh start.
Wow, what a way to build trust. Arrest an outbreak of tick fever. Way to go Nathan! Good job on this one, Carolyn
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Eva is gone, not the way I had hoped for. I guess I just figured she would take the news and move on. But not to be. Now Grace is completely distressed. At least Nathan told her the truth and now (if she forgives him) they can eventually have a fresh start.
Wow, what a way to build trust. Arrest an outbreak of tick fever. Way to go Nathan! Good job on this one, Carolyn
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thank you Carolyn for taking the time to read. And thanks so much for this review. I really appreciate it.
Comment from PageWizard
Hello,
Is this the first chapter or several chapters in where I therefore would know the characters?
"her confidant" "the friend" "the sheriff" {should be (Sheriff Ryely)right from the get go I would think.} "the customer," "the store clerk," All these people and the only name mentioned through this part is Eva.
Did they have a long term affair or a one nighter? I guess I need to go look for the first part of the book 'cause I'm a little lost. LOL
However, you can see your talent and I will keep up with the story as it progresses.
DeAnna
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Hello,
Is this the first chapter or several chapters in where I therefore would know the characters?
"her confidant" "the friend" "the sheriff" {should be (Sheriff Ryely)right from the get go I would think.} "the customer," "the store clerk," All these people and the only name mentioned through this part is Eva.
Did they have a long term affair or a one nighter? I guess I need to go look for the first part of the book 'cause I'm a little lost. LOL
However, you can see your talent and I will keep up with the story as it progresses.
DeAnna
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Ok you're new. Whenever you give a four star rating it means the writing is not good and you're suppose to tell the writer what and how to fix it. The chapters are at the top of the page. This is chapter 11. At the bottom of the page are the list of characters for new readers. Look for them. Thanks for the review.
Comment from adewpearl
a powerfully dramatic opening paragraph
vivid and gruesome descriptive detail
excellent natural-sounding dialogue that conveys well the emotions of the characters
Brooke
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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a powerfully dramatic opening paragraph
vivid and gruesome descriptive detail
excellent natural-sounding dialogue that conveys well the emotions of the characters
Brooke
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you Brooke...always a pleasure hearing from you.
Comment from Gungalo
Boy it goes to show you how fast a town can go from hate to love eh? Thank goodness the Tick Fever thing was caught in time.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Boy it goes to show you how fast a town can go from hate to love eh? Thank goodness the Tick Fever thing was caught in time.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you Gungalo. It's always a pleasure hearing from you.
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Smiling.
Comment from Evelyn Fort Stewart
Since this is the first chapter I've read I'm at a bit of a disadvantage but it stands alone well enough it makes an interesting story and read well. Good job. God loves you and I do too.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Since this is the first chapter I've read I'm at a bit of a disadvantage but it stands alone well enough it makes an interesting story and read well. Good job. God loves you and I do too.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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I thank you so much for reading.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, amahra. Wow! What a great opening "hook" Bravo!
The entire piece is so well done. What great imagery, like this:
"From a distance, her scarlet hair lay indistinguishable from the bright red mass splashed upon the stony ground. One green eye protruded onto her pale white cheek. The expression life had left behind on her face was unmistakable. Eva Mitchell died screaming. Body fluids oozed through her ripped clothing, and one shoe was missing from a mangled foot."
And here: "The sky was dark grey with clouds, and a fine rain beat like tiny pebbles against the roof. A knock came at the door. Nathan peeked through the window and saw Elisabeth Koren standing with a cloth-covered picnic basket. When he opened the door, she wiped her feet on the welcome mat - then quickly stepped past him."
Suggestions: "She, she just wasn't acting right..." (to better show nervousness write it like this : She...she just wasn't acting right . . ."
Also: " he blurted." (All good writing books will tell you, it's best to stick with "he said, she said" for attributives. "he blurted" is not a good idea and offers nothing really. Said...is said." LOL
Great job overall...Bob
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Hi, amahra. Wow! What a great opening "hook" Bravo!
The entire piece is so well done. What great imagery, like this:
"From a distance, her scarlet hair lay indistinguishable from the bright red mass splashed upon the stony ground. One green eye protruded onto her pale white cheek. The expression life had left behind on her face was unmistakable. Eva Mitchell died screaming. Body fluids oozed through her ripped clothing, and one shoe was missing from a mangled foot."
And here: "The sky was dark grey with clouds, and a fine rain beat like tiny pebbles against the roof. A knock came at the door. Nathan peeked through the window and saw Elisabeth Koren standing with a cloth-covered picnic basket. When he opened the door, she wiped her feet on the welcome mat - then quickly stepped past him."
Suggestions: "She, she just wasn't acting right..." (to better show nervousness write it like this : She...she just wasn't acting right . . ."
Also: " he blurted." (All good writing books will tell you, it's best to stick with "he said, she said" for attributives. "he blurted" is not a good idea and offers nothing really. Said...is said." LOL
Great job overall...Bob
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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I wrote it that way and was hammered for the ... and suggested the comma. LOL But you're right. I'll put it back to She...she. I also agree with the "she said", but was told that putting said all the time wasn't right. But I do agree with you about it. Thanks for your review and comments.Oh, I'm also getting hammered for my dialogue. One of my characters is not very educated and his dialogue reflects that. And I'm being hammered for that too. LOL Thanks again, Bob.
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Hi, Amahra. Do yourself a big favor...stop listening to every reviewer and his brother. Go to "Daily Writing Tips.com" I use it all the time as a reference...everything you mentioned is there for review...Also, do you have a copy of "Strunk and White's" little bible on writing? It's a must, trust me. Google it. Blessings and let me know how it went, will you? Bob
"Daily Writing Tips"
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Thanks Bob, I will seek those references, immediately. 'Smile.'
Comment from pickthorn
A really well written story with good dialogue. the storyline maintains readers interest throughout the piece.
The story is interesting and well detailed and follows the hatred of a small town when one of its own seems wronged. Nate is only forgiven when he saves the town. Great writing.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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A really well written story with good dialogue. the storyline maintains readers interest throughout the piece.
The story is interesting and well detailed and follows the hatred of a small town when one of its own seems wronged. Nate is only forgiven when he saves the town. Great writing.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much for your find review.
Comment from Millibrad
Excellent portrayal of turn of the century life and hazards of ranchers. Also, how community can abruptly unite when faced with a common crisis. Very well done. As usual, your dialogue is excellent.
"No redder or smelly than usual." Change to: No more red or smelly than usual,or No more redder or smellier than usual.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Excellent portrayal of turn of the century life and hazards of ranchers. Also, how community can abruptly unite when faced with a common crisis. Very well done. As usual, your dialogue is excellent.
"No redder or smelly than usual." Change to: No more red or smelly than usual,or No more redder or smellier than usual.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank you Millibrad for this fine review.
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Uh, oh. I just discovered an error in my review. No (more) redder or smellier than usual. More should not be there. Sorry.
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That's the way my character speaks. He's not a very educated man.
Comment from Schalk Jacobs
Normal story with such small communities. You can becomr zero to hero, to zaro, and vice versa in a heartbeat. Good for Nathan to take situation by the horns (pardon the pun) and run with it. Nicely written.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Normal story with such small communities. You can becomr zero to hero, to zaro, and vice versa in a heartbeat. Good for Nathan to take situation by the horns (pardon the pun) and run with it. Nicely written.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2013
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Thank your Jacobs for reading and reviewing.
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Please it is Schalk.
