The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Sweet Springs, USA"Love Among the Thorns
39 total reviews
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Hello amahra. The thing I like about your story is the dialog seems so real as if I was privy to a world of conversation going on around me. Liked it very much! xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2013
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Hello amahra. The thing I like about your story is the dialog seems so real as if I was privy to a world of conversation going on around me. Liked it very much! xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 08-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2013
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Hello kiwigirl2821, thank you so much.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi amahra,
The plot is carried well in your dialogues, and the narratives fill in the story. You may like to try using more dialogue to replace parts of the narrative, so that the story is told in the speech between characters, rather than in narrative passages.
As my editor keeps reminding me - show, don't tell. Let the characters tell the reader rather than merely populate it.
Example: You have -
But the mayor's job wasn't over. He pleaded with the local news editor not to print anything unless he (the mayor) was notified that the disease had spread. The top editor reluctantly agreed. But even the press couldn't keep the lid on such a story. The very survival of Sweet Springs was riding on the veterinarians to squash this outbreak before it destroyed the town and the entire Texas beef industry.
It could be written as -
The Mayor called on the editor of the Chronicle. "Barney, I know you need to sell papers, but I was wondering if you could help me keep this quarantine thing in perspective? You know that bunch upstate are just waiting to cut us out of the markets."
"Sure, Bert, but you know I can't print what isn't true. What did you have in mind?"
"I wondered if you could do a piece saying the vets have it all under control. You know, talk up how they've got the affected animals isolated - stuff like that."
"Could do, I guess, but if they tell me it isn't ... How about we do a piece on what the hands are doing to treat the animals and prevemnt it spreading? Maybe talk up the difference between some of the early outbreaks."
I know that FS readers tend to skip long chapters, but you could, perhaps do something like this and do what a few others do, and break up the chapters into various parts.
Patrick
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Hi amahra,
The plot is carried well in your dialogues, and the narratives fill in the story. You may like to try using more dialogue to replace parts of the narrative, so that the story is told in the speech between characters, rather than in narrative passages.
As my editor keeps reminding me - show, don't tell. Let the characters tell the reader rather than merely populate it.
Example: You have -
But the mayor's job wasn't over. He pleaded with the local news editor not to print anything unless he (the mayor) was notified that the disease had spread. The top editor reluctantly agreed. But even the press couldn't keep the lid on such a story. The very survival of Sweet Springs was riding on the veterinarians to squash this outbreak before it destroyed the town and the entire Texas beef industry.
It could be written as -
The Mayor called on the editor of the Chronicle. "Barney, I know you need to sell papers, but I was wondering if you could help me keep this quarantine thing in perspective? You know that bunch upstate are just waiting to cut us out of the markets."
"Sure, Bert, but you know I can't print what isn't true. What did you have in mind?"
"I wondered if you could do a piece saying the vets have it all under control. You know, talk up how they've got the affected animals isolated - stuff like that."
"Could do, I guess, but if they tell me it isn't ... How about we do a piece on what the hands are doing to treat the animals and prevemnt it spreading? Maybe talk up the difference between some of the early outbreaks."
I know that FS readers tend to skip long chapters, but you could, perhaps do something like this and do what a few others do, and break up the chapters into various parts.
Patrick
Comment Written 26-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Thanks for suggestions. But I can't have all dialogue. It's not a play. You have to mix it up. Dialogue and narrative. I think I've done a good job of showing both.
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I know what you mean. My suggestion was prompted by the feeling that the ending of this chapter was a bit 'condensed'. It is always your story.
Patrick
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I don't know Patrick, I think I was too fast to disagree. Now, that I think of it, dialogue would be good. Sorry for disagreeing,you were just trying to help. I'll take your suggestion and make the change before it's published. Thanks Patrick.
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No problem, amahra, I know the feeling all too well. Glad to have been able to help.
Patrick
Comment from reconciled
Hello there...-smile- exceptionally well written....what what a way to go...cows disease...never even heard of it .....any how...wonderful read....love Michael
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Hello there...-smile- exceptionally well written....what what a way to go...cows disease...never even heard of it .....any how...wonderful read....love Michael
Comment Written 26-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Thank you Michael.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
You really have written an excellent story my little friend. You are so professional in everything you do. Thank you for sharing such a rare treat.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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You really have written an excellent story my little friend. You are so professional in everything you do. Thank you for sharing such a rare treat.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much.
Comment from Nosha17
This is a very well-written story. This is the first chapter I have read, but it has the makings of an excellent story. Your characters and dialogue are excellent and the storyline strong. Well-written.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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This is a very well-written story. This is the first chapter I have read, but it has the makings of an excellent story. Your characters and dialogue are excellent and the storyline strong. Well-written.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Thank you Nosha17. I really appreciate your reading.
Comment from MidnightWriter4U
Maybe it is because I have not read the other chapters, but there seems to be a lot of 'telling' in this one. The parts that are dialogue and in present tense are well-written and interesting. The overall story is a good one. Characters' personalities are shown well.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Maybe it is because I have not read the other chapters, but there seems to be a lot of 'telling' in this one. The parts that are dialogue and in present tense are well-written and interesting. The overall story is a good one. Characters' personalities are shown well.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Thank you for reviewing.
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You are welcome. MN :)
Comment from allborn66
This is an interesting chapter. I could identify with your characters. I found the dialogue to be believable. The voice is nice.
Barbara
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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This is an interesting chapter. I could identify with your characters. I found the dialogue to be believable. The voice is nice.
Barbara
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2013
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Thank you Barbara.
Comment from Sloegin
You turned this chapter into a rather long,"short story" I enjoyed the read, but you took way too long to get your message across. My last writer's confrence presented the idea that short chapters are the thing now.
Your verbiage is solid and your dialogue flows naturally, nothing stilted nor forced.
It's a god read and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Keep writing.
sloegin
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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You turned this chapter into a rather long,"short story" I enjoyed the read, but you took way too long to get your message across. My last writer's confrence presented the idea that short chapters are the thing now.
Your verbiage is solid and your dialogue flows naturally, nothing stilted nor forced.
It's a god read and I'm looking forward to reading more.
Keep writing.
sloegin
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thank you sloegin for reading and reviewing. Yes, it did read like a short story. I thought I was the only one who noticed that. I may have to change the end of the chapter into a cliff hanger before it's published.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
CONSIDER:
Omitting "...overlooking the scenic greenery.
"...and SHATTERED bones and BLOODY flesh.
"A search party found her body after her confidant reported her missing. "I'd been so worried about her when she failed to return home from a walk." the friend told the sheriff.
or:
"Since she broke up with her young man, she...she just wasn't acting right...you know."
Remind me never to become a cattle vet. That part was especially well done. Loved the piece. Break up your longer sentences and omit unnessessary words..adverbs, as if, the, and etc.
Regards:
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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CONSIDER:
Omitting "...overlooking the scenic greenery.
"...and SHATTERED bones and BLOODY flesh.
"A search party found her body after her confidant reported her missing. "I'd been so worried about her when she failed to return home from a walk." the friend told the sheriff.
or:
"Since she broke up with her young man, she...she just wasn't acting right...you know."
Remind me never to become a cattle vet. That part was especially well done. Loved the piece. Break up your longer sentences and omit unnessessary words..adverbs, as if, the, and etc.
Regards:
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Yeah, I'm a poet and sometimes poetic writing slips into my story-telling. Whoever my editor is will have her work cut out. LOL Thank you for reading and for your suggestions. Oh, about the dialogue of the confidant. That's the way I want her to speak, so I seldom correct dialogue. I don't want my characters to sound like the narrator, unless the character is well educated. Blessings to you Stephen.
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Dear Amahra: You're quite right about character dialogue..warts and all. Just posted 2 more poems.
Cheers: Steve C
Comment from DictionaryGirl
I really enjoyed this! My favorite parts were the parts with Nathan, and it left me wanting more! I will have to read more of this work, I assume it is a novel? I was a little confused with the whole part about the cow, then I re-read the title! :-) Happy writing.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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I really enjoyed this! My favorite parts were the parts with Nathan, and it left me wanting more! I will have to read more of this work, I assume it is a novel? I was a little confused with the whole part about the cow, then I re-read the title! :-) Happy writing.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2013
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Thank you for your review.
