Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 47 "Okoka Moon, Part Two"Murder Mystery
44 total reviews
Comment from CR Delport
Another riveting chapter that is well crafted. Your descriptions are very vivid and it's easy to form mind pictures. The dialogue is smooth and easy to follow. I found no obvious errors.
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
  |
Another riveting chapter that is well crafted. Your descriptions are very vivid and it's easy to form mind pictures. The dialogue is smooth and easy to follow. I found no obvious errors.
Comment Written 09-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 09-Oct-2013
-
Thank you so much, Chrissie. I appreciate your generous and encouraging review. :0) Bev
Comment from JM daSilva
Dealing with a demon is not easy matter because it's unknown. Nothing is worse than the unknown. Great job.
Spag suggestions
"I've done everything you've asked, haven't I? You want the priest(,)and I want Matthew. What are we waiting for?" Eddie whined (remove . He used) (,using) his shirt to wipe the snot
The beast lunged, snapping his(its?) jaws. Eddie shrank back to avoid further damage to his
Father Brian DeShano paused to review what he'd written(remove . He) (,)struggled(ing) to
"Oh, but(,) Padre, you can't resist. It's your mother's legacy."
and prayed, "Dear Mother of God(,) have mercy on your child in this hour of need."
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
Dealing with a demon is not easy matter because it's unknown. Nothing is worse than the unknown. Great job.
Spag suggestions
"I've done everything you've asked, haven't I? You want the priest(,)and I want Matthew. What are we waiting for?" Eddie whined (remove . He used) (,using) his shirt to wipe the snot
The beast lunged, snapping his(its?) jaws. Eddie shrank back to avoid further damage to his
Father Brian DeShano paused to review what he'd written(remove . He) (,)struggled(ing) to
"Oh, but(,) Padre, you can't resist. It's your mother's legacy."
and prayed, "Dear Mother of God(,) have mercy on your child in this hour of need."
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you so much, JM. I really appreciate your suggestions to make the writing tighter. That's very generous of you. Warmest regards, Bev
-
Great pleasure.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Holy CRAP! This is amazing, amazing writing, my friend. Absolutely frightening - more so because it is incredibly REAL. Some of the best writing I've read on or off this site - beyond professional. You've simply got everything right. The tension is palpable, as is the innate evil of this entity. The dialogue is totally spot on. The details are expertly inserted and create the appropriate images. You balance simplicity with the unimaginable, and you do it perfectly.
And you sing my praises? Ah, Bev, I only wish I could write with this level of professionalism. One of your best chapters yet. Superb work. And what a hook to leave us with!
You rock, woman. I'm so darn proud of you.
Love and hugs,
Av
xoxoxo
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
 |
Holy CRAP! This is amazing, amazing writing, my friend. Absolutely frightening - more so because it is incredibly REAL. Some of the best writing I've read on or off this site - beyond professional. You've simply got everything right. The tension is palpable, as is the innate evil of this entity. The dialogue is totally spot on. The details are expertly inserted and create the appropriate images. You balance simplicity with the unimaginable, and you do it perfectly.
And you sing my praises? Ah, Bev, I only wish I could write with this level of professionalism. One of your best chapters yet. Superb work. And what a hook to leave us with!
You rock, woman. I'm so darn proud of you.
Love and hugs,
Av
xoxoxo
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you so very, very much, Av. I wasn't sure about my ability to portray evil with this chapter. It makes me feel great that you feel I succeeded. You're truly my champion, my dear friend. All the more special because of how very much I respect you as a writer. Love you, Bev
Comment from Selina Stambi
Wow! Wow! Wow-eee!
This was an amazing read. I love how you've woven the supernatural in with the criminal element. Things are boiling and swirling towards a hugely dramatic climax!
My dear Bev, you have a piece of writing to be proud of - and I'm proud of you, my friend. :) :)
Hugs,
Sonali
Suggest: endings screamed pain (along) the length of his arm
(B)ible study group
To his everlasting (no hyphen) regret
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
Wow! Wow! Wow-eee!
This was an amazing read. I love how you've woven the supernatural in with the criminal element. Things are boiling and swirling towards a hugely dramatic climax!
My dear Bev, you have a piece of writing to be proud of - and I'm proud of you, my friend. :) :)
Hugs,
Sonali
Suggest: endings screamed pain (along) the length of his arm
(B)ible study group
To his everlasting (no hyphen) regret
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you so very much, Sonali. I sure do appreciate your generous rating and, especially, your encouraging words. Also, much appreciate your suggested changes which I have put in place. Your generosity warms my heart. Hugs, Bev
Comment from c_lucas
Never attempt to fight evil by your lonesome. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. A very interesting story line.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
Never attempt to fight evil by your lonesome. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. A very interesting story line.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Great advice, charlie. I totally agree! Thanks for the great review. :0) Bev
-
You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Holy crap - if I didn't need my eyes to read I would of hid behind a pillow....tis sad really!
Exceptional power in this post, actions, emotions, and of course the evil that seems so real in this story.
Really fabulous writing Bev.
Thanks for scaring the wits out of me!!!
Maureen
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
Holy crap - if I didn't need my eyes to read I would of hid behind a pillow....tis sad really!
Exceptional power in this post, actions, emotions, and of course the evil that seems so real in this story.
Really fabulous writing Bev.
Thanks for scaring the wits out of me!!!
Maureen
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you, Maureen. I really appreciate your generous six star rating. Your encouraging words mean so much to me, especially coming from one of my favorite writers. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
This is an excellent chapters, where you keep the tension high and the questions unanswered. Father Brian has a serious conscience problem where Debra is concerned. Both regretting that he had been attracted to her and regret that he never let Debra know that he was really loved her. That is quite a chapter hook with the sound from upstairs and the priest walking up the stairs to face it.
At lease someone has the Datsun's license number.
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
This is an excellent chapters, where you keep the tension high and the questions unanswered. Father Brian has a serious conscience problem where Debra is concerned. Both regretting that he had been attracted to her and regret that he never let Debra know that he was really loved her. That is quite a chapter hook with the sound from upstairs and the priest walking up the stairs to face it.
At lease someone has the Datsun's license number.
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you so much, N. You've expressed perfectly the situation intended with this chapter. I appreciate the interest and support. :0) Bev
Comment from allborn66
This is a very strong chapter. It's my first read of the story, so I may be missing a few things. I like the portrayal of Eddie. Father Brian is a believable character. I like the conflict and the dialogue.
Barbara
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
This is a very strong chapter. It's my first read of the story, so I may be missing a few things. I like the portrayal of Eddie. Father Brian is a believable character. I like the conflict and the dialogue.
Barbara
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you very much, barbara. I really appreciate your encouraging review and generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Wow! This is frightening! Will this priest be strong enough to resist such a demon? I would like to think so. This is very well written, Bev. You have quite an amazing imagination.
April
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
Wow! This is frightening! Will this priest be strong enough to resist such a demon? I would like to think so. This is very well written, Bev. You have quite an amazing imagination.
April
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Hi, April. Thank you very much for your generous six star rating. I also appreciate your kind words of encouragement.
:0) Bev
Comment from lindalcreel
This was an exciting but scary story. Anytime we are dealing with the demons from hell we never know what to expect. In my mind U think the demons try to lead those closest to God down the path to Hell, because it is a huge victory fir them. I grew up with the premise that you can take my life; but you can never take my soul; because that belongs to God; and only to God. Thanks so much fir sharing. This was another inspirational chapter. Thanks for sharing,
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
|
This was an exciting but scary story. Anytime we are dealing with the demons from hell we never know what to expect. In my mind U think the demons try to lead those closest to God down the path to Hell, because it is a huge victory fir them. I grew up with the premise that you can take my life; but you can never take my soul; because that belongs to God; and only to God. Thanks so much fir sharing. This was another inspirational chapter. Thanks for sharing,
Comment Written 08-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 08-Oct-2013
-
Thank you, Lindal. I was raised in the Catholic tradition of the 50's. Back then, there was a belief that one could lose their soul by committing grievious sin. I prefer, these days, to think more along the lines of your reasoning. Thanks for sharing and stopping by to read. Warm regards, Bev
-
Welcome:)
