Comment from shelley kaye

Excellent

oooh this was sooo cool!
could have so many meanings too
family
friends
soulmate lol

"As I lie
on the silence
of the sand,
I can feel the power
of the ocean
Gently I shut my eyes
and dream of you
the one asleep,
far, far away..."


very nice write
thank you for sharing :-)

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005

Comment from Bryana

Excellent

My dear friend, the time to come home is near
and you don't have to long for your loved one
so far away.
Gently I shut my eyes
and dream of you
the one asleep,
far, far away.

I hope this will bring up your rating where it belongs.

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005

Comment from Calvin Lee

Good

First off, you made me think of one of those vibrating beds that you throw a quarter into :o) The writing is good but , I find, not up to par with other material that I have read of yours. "between night and soul" these words through me the most. Would "between night and day" work for you? Just a suggestion.
Trust all is well,
Calvin Lee

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005

Comment from Lainee

Excellent

Pili it sounds like you are home sick my friend! This poem flowed so gently from line to line with loving thoughts and wishes and there is not one word out of place.

Goodluck always,
Lainee :O)

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005

Comment from searchen

Excellent

Pili Pubul - Hi. I hope you do not mind, but I 'got' your intent & tweaked for clarity. If I'm correct..it is daylight where you are..you're lieing on the beach in another part of the world away from your loved one..who is where it is evening..yes? If I'm right terrific..if not..eh. I'm no poet.

I do like the thought you are conveying here..I've been in the long distance relationship before & the day/evening time swing is both interesting, & confusing.

As I lie - add 'As'
I can feel the power - add 'I'

Gently I shut my eyes
(when is) and dream of you - delete 'when is' - add 'and dream'
the one asleep,
far, far away...

A five because this is a tough one to convey & I think you did a fine job..(well, if you tweak..haha).

Happy writing,
searchen


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 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005

Comment from spiriteen_in_bloom

Average

the first part is really good.The comparisons are beautiful and the description of your sensations and feelings make me feel like i can touch the soul of the landscape.
but the following parts are somehow dissapointing.From the brightness you fell into obscurity.It looks like you gave up and the lack of inspiration appeared.The armony between words isn't established It is like they aren't connected .Maby you should make a mixture of words in a poetic way,using an abstract language.
Some phrases look like they don't belong to your poem,like they were forced to be part of it.
But I like the fluidity of your thougths and the light theme that expresses teh softness and clarity of feelings.



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 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005

Comment from Seancuig

Good

Hey Pili,

I can't believe I am giving you a 4!!
There are a few things though that just don't seem right.
The punctuation seems confusing. Some commas but yet they don't seem the follow any real gramatical rule.

so close you are
as I shut my eyes
when is you that sleep
These lines don't really make sense to me. "When is you that sleep" particularly.

Sorry if I am missing the point... :-)

 Comment Written 30-Jun-2005