Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 46 "Okoka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from Author Unknown
Hi Bev! Most engaging work. This chapter draws the reader in perfectly and keeps our attention. I see one thing I'd change. Rather than the word 'cooped' hound, I think it would sound better to say 'caged'? Or 'cornered'. Just my instinct as I read. Or say, 'cooped up'? I also liked your attention to detail. "Pebbled surface"...referring to a tongue. Original and deft. Nice work my friend. :) A.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2013
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Hi Bev! Most engaging work. This chapter draws the reader in perfectly and keeps our attention. I see one thing I'd change. Rather than the word 'cooped' hound, I think it would sound better to say 'caged'? Or 'cornered'. Just my instinct as I read. Or say, 'cooped up'? I also liked your attention to detail. "Pebbled surface"...referring to a tongue. Original and deft. Nice work my friend. :) A.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2013
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2013
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Thank you, A. I really appreciate your suggestions and support for this chapter. I'll look at the section you mentioned. Always nice to get another person's perspective. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from poetbear
Loved the story and the feeling.
Reads well and captures your heart and attention.
Wonderful compsition and great imagery and metaphor.
Great story!
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2013
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Loved the story and the feeling.
Reads well and captures your heart and attention.
Wonderful compsition and great imagery and metaphor.
Great story!
Comment Written 31-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 31-Oct-2013
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Thank you so much, poetbear, for your gracious and very generous review. I really appreciate it! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev,
I enjoyed reading this - especially the description of Maureen Penfold. It's hilarious! Good luck in the contest!
He sat (set) the chalice down, bowed, and whispered words of blessing.
He entered her office and sat (set) his duffel bag on the chair across from her.
There was fear in her eyes, but he didn't care. "What did Georgie tell you.(?)
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2013
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Hi Bev,
I enjoyed reading this - especially the description of Maureen Penfold. It's hilarious! Good luck in the contest!
He sat (set) the chalice down, bowed, and whispered words of blessing.
He entered her office and sat (set) his duffel bag on the chair across from her.
There was fear in her eyes, but he didn't care. "What did Georgie tell you.(?)
Comment Written 29-Oct-2013
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2013
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Hi, Lois. Looks like I've got to pay attention to that sat, set thing a little closer. Thank you for reading my chapter and taking time out to send along your generous review. I appreciate it.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
I think this is a really engaging story, and it's obviously a well written novel with suspense, drama and laced with a little humor that I really enjoyed it!
Nicely done job!
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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I think this is a really engaging story, and it's obviously a well written novel with suspense, drama and laced with a little humor that I really enjoyed it!
Nicely done job!
Comment Written 20-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thanks so much for the great review. I really appreciate you stopping by to read my chaper, A. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Your storyline makes me a bit jealous. What a plot! And you can go every which way with it. Love it. I want to commend you not only on the writing as a whole, but your front or opening "hook"
Beyond the rim of the silver cup, Father Brian saw only confused faces struggling to remember the meaning of his movements" (perfect)
Your images are spot on for the most part. I do have one suggestion if you don't mind,
Bev:
"his chest in imitation of a cock and faced her" (You know what you mean...LOL...I know what you mean, but I did trip over this word "cock". I would make it rooster just to be safe.
Also: "He turned in the direction of the voice. Maureen Penfold, safety director for Tender Care Senior Living, clattered her way towards him." ( a bit clumsy here, Bev. Perhaps: "He turned and Maureen Penfold, Safety Director for Tender Care Senior Living was clamoring her way towards him"
Bravo! Good job, Bev. Sorry my sixes are all gone. Bob
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Hi, Bev. Your storyline makes me a bit jealous. What a plot! And you can go every which way with it. Love it. I want to commend you not only on the writing as a whole, but your front or opening "hook"
Beyond the rim of the silver cup, Father Brian saw only confused faces struggling to remember the meaning of his movements" (perfect)
Your images are spot on for the most part. I do have one suggestion if you don't mind,
Bev:
"his chest in imitation of a cock and faced her" (You know what you mean...LOL...I know what you mean, but I did trip over this word "cock". I would make it rooster just to be safe.
Also: "He turned in the direction of the voice. Maureen Penfold, safety director for Tender Care Senior Living, clattered her way towards him." ( a bit clumsy here, Bev. Perhaps: "He turned and Maureen Penfold, Safety Director for Tender Care Senior Living was clamoring her way towards him"
Bravo! Good job, Bev. Sorry my sixes are all gone. Bob
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Hi, Bob. Thank so much for your gracious review and excellent suggestions. I'm sorry for the delay in responding, I've been unavailable due to travel. Hope you know I really appreciate your support and encouragement. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Showboat
Excellent! Very short, but I know how that can be.
Really good job, Bev, and the continuance of the suspense, the occult is excellent. Kudos, my friend,
Hugs,
gayle
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Excellent! Very short, but I know how that can be.
Really good job, Bev, and the continuance of the suspense, the occult is excellent. Kudos, my friend,
Hugs,
gayle
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thanks so much Gayle. I appreciate your encouragement and generosity. It means a lot to me, my talented friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from gene roush
This is good.
You have an active scene with suspense and intrigue.
This paragraph can use a little clarity. 'Brian was never sure if Maureen didn't like men, priests or just him. He'd almost asked her once, but the wiser part of him reasoned her sour attitude was due to an uphill battle keeping residents and their families happy. He entered her office and sat his duffel bag on the chair across from her.'
Is he sitting? Is she at her desk?
This closes well and sets up the next scene nicely.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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This is good.
You have an active scene with suspense and intrigue.
This paragraph can use a little clarity. 'Brian was never sure if Maureen didn't like men, priests or just him. He'd almost asked her once, but the wiser part of him reasoned her sour attitude was due to an uphill battle keeping residents and their families happy. He entered her office and sat his duffel bag on the chair across from her.'
Is he sitting? Is she at her desk?
This closes well and sets up the next scene nicely.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
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Thanks for the review and taking time to read my chapter, Gene.
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Bev,
I found the chapter to be riveting and interesting. When confronted with Georgie Lutz's panicked rant earlier, he responded like a man filled with guilt when Georgie stated that Fritz Buell was killed by a devil that lived at the rectory...Brian's rectory. He was too stunned to go and administer last rites when he heard that Georgie had stopped breathing. I like your cliff hanger ending...it makes me anxious for the next release.
Curtis
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
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Bev,
I found the chapter to be riveting and interesting. When confronted with Georgie Lutz's panicked rant earlier, he responded like a man filled with guilt when Georgie stated that Fritz Buell was killed by a devil that lived at the rectory...Brian's rectory. He was too stunned to go and administer last rites when he heard that Georgie had stopped breathing. I like your cliff hanger ending...it makes me anxious for the next release.
Curtis
Comment Written 18-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
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Curtis, thank you so much for this very generous and gracious review. I'm wondering when we can expect another installment from you -- seems like it been a while :0) Bev
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Bev,
This has been a very busy period in time. I've taken a couple of trips in the past month...the last one to Washington DC on Sept. 10 for the Exempt America from Obamacare Rally. The story is written...I'm working on getting enough member dollars to post. It seems I can't get a break when it comes to Member Cent Pumps which makes for slow going.
Curtis
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Impressive. And I know what you mean about member cents pumps. What gets me is that I have about 70 lucky leprochauns - wish I could exchange them. :0)
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I have about 50 lucky leprochauns.
Comment from pickthorn
I haven't read the previous chapters but I intend to do just that. This is obviously a well written novel with suspense, drama and laced with a little humor.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
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I haven't read the previous chapters but I intend to do just that. This is obviously a well written novel with suspense, drama and laced with a little humor.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
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Hi, pickthorn. Thank you so much for your generous and gracious review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from pattipac
WOW, your story caught my attention from your first sentence on. Maybe because I recently spent so much time in a nursing home helping to care for my mother. Your use of excellent word choice and description make your story come alive. A story based on a priest caring for elderly dementia patients, resonates with many of us today. Moreover, your suspenseful ending leaves me begging for more. Sorry, I'm all out of sixes, or you'd get one.
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
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WOW, your story caught my attention from your first sentence on. Maybe because I recently spent so much time in a nursing home helping to care for my mother. Your use of excellent word choice and description make your story come alive. A story based on a priest caring for elderly dementia patients, resonates with many of us today. Moreover, your suspenseful ending leaves me begging for more. Sorry, I'm all out of sixes, or you'd get one.
Comment Written 18-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
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Hi, pattipac. Thank you so much for this very encouraging and gracious review. I spent about two years visiting my Dad in the nursing home before he passed. It was kind of sad that the priests of his home town only did occasional masses. It was such a highlight of my Dad's day. Anyway, thanks for checking me out and for the wish of a six. I really appreciate that! Warmest regards, Bev
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Bev, you are a gifted writer. I am looking forward to reading more of your work. I write mostly poetry, but have written some short stories and essays on FS. You am now on my fan list, so keep writing.
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Thanks for the encouragement, Patty. Every writer needs that, eh? :0) Bev
