Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Chiffon"Science fiction.
17 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Bill, I 'm really enjoying this story...
so full of action to hold the interest....
Ignore suggestions if not in agreement.
He believed he had the ideas and know-how, but [he] lacked the inside track - might you consider losing the 3rd "he"
He needed assets and influence [and](but) had neither - suggest but in place of 2nd "and"
Once he had graduated from preparatory school and [had] matriculated to Harvard - two "had"s not needed
Being a realist, Victor knew that the Old Money [that] he was connected - 2nd "that" not needed
Most enjoyable - Margaret
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
  |
Bill, I 'm really enjoying this story...
so full of action to hold the interest....
Ignore suggestions if not in agreement.
He believed he had the ideas and know-how, but [he] lacked the inside track - might you consider losing the 3rd "he"
He needed assets and influence [and](but) had neither - suggest but in place of 2nd "and"
Once he had graduated from preparatory school and [had] matriculated to Harvard - two "had"s not needed
Being a realist, Victor knew that the Old Money [that] he was connected - 2nd "that" not needed
Most enjoyable - Margaret
Comment Written 18-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 18-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for the encouraging review, Margaret. I agree with all your editing sugestions whole-heartedly. I blame my eagerness to get it posted and lack of a second pair of eyes for the obvious errors. The "had matriculated" was used as I was looking for continuity in my verb tense. I certainly appreciate the editing. Bill
-
I'm sometimes hesitant to make suggestions, as some members don't like to alter their writing at all - where I appreciate all positive suggestions to improve my writing - glad you do too. Margaret
Comment from adewpearl
Twenty million dollars plus connections - yep, she sounds damned attractive to me LOL
Naked women in full length mink coats - boy, these people live the life! :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
|
Twenty million dollars plus connections - yep, she sounds damned attractive to me LOL
Naked women in full length mink coats - boy, these people live the life! :-) Brooke
Comment Written 16-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2013
-
I had to adjust the money to 1960s standards where twenty million was considered mover and shaker capital. I originally used 200 million but then I would have had to move the story to Saudi Arabia.
-
Twenty million sounds mighty attractive to me even now :-) Heck, two million would tempt me :-)
Comment from Winslow
Dear Bill,
Interesting story line and characters, however, we have different thought processes so this didn't appeal to me. It is like an engineering dissertation. Not too much action and a lot of telling. I am sure their are people who this style appeals to, though. I see you have gold stars behind most categories so other reviewers must like the way you write.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
|
Dear Bill,
Interesting story line and characters, however, we have different thought processes so this didn't appeal to me. It is like an engineering dissertation. Not too much action and a lot of telling. I am sure their are people who this style appeals to, though. I see you have gold stars behind most categories so other reviewers must like the way you write.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 15-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
-
This particular chapters is what I call a set up. If you were to read any of the others, you'd find lots of dialog. The chapter before this one "A Pale Sister" was the end of the first quarter of the novel PALE SISTERS. The next chapter has more dialog. I like the way this story rolling out and encourage you to read it from the beginning. I warn you that the first chapter is similarly written without dialog, but it picks up afterwards. One day I will flesh out those chatterless chapters. Thank you for taking a look, Winslow.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Something tells me that elevator mishap was no accident. Is his son going to hook up with one of the triad girls, perhaps? Not clear on the ages, here.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
|
Something tells me that elevator mishap was no accident. Is his son going to hook up with one of the triad girls, perhaps? Not clear on the ages, here.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
-
Chiffon was definitely murdered, but no one will ever suspect that. We know though, so we know how to feel about Victor and Raleigh. Vincent is attracted to Diana Camp. The sisters are five, three, and newborn at this point.
-
Ohhh... thanks for the info. I forgot the girls were still little. It's hard coming in the middle of a book. Should take the time to start at the beginning, but there is SO MUCH I have to read here, not to mention keeping ahead with my own book. It's all fun, tho! :)
Comment from Rondeno
It's a good story, Bill, and you tell it with a professional style and slickness. I guess there will be complications to come ... I can't wait!
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
|
It's a good story, Bill, and you tell it with a professional style and slickness. I guess there will be complications to come ... I can't wait!
Comment Written 15-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for the kind and encouraging review.
Comment from barkingdog
This read more like an outline that needed filling in. Nothing was shown, no dialogue. You have quite a few good scenes here that could be separate chapters.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
|
This read more like an outline that needed filling in. Nothing was shown, no dialogue. You have quite a few good scenes here that could be separate chapters.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
-
I agree. When I began this story I did the same thing the first chapter. I wanted to get through I guess to the bigger story. I'll flesh these characters out in revision. Thank you for your helpful observations and insight.
Comment from lindalcreel
Wow first his friend screwed his wife, literally and then sent her to her death. I doubt that Victor cared at that point, but you have to give it to Chiffon, she was pretty upfront. I loved the way that you ended this chapter, leaving just a subtle little note that tells us something is coming. Great chapter. Thanks for sharing. Semper Fi.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
|
Wow first his friend screwed his wife, literally and then sent her to her death. I doubt that Victor cared at that point, but you have to give it to Chiffon, she was pretty upfront. I loved the way that you ended this chapter, leaving just a subtle little note that tells us something is coming. Great chapter. Thanks for sharing. Semper Fi.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2013
-
Thank you, Linda, for the upbeat review. Bill
-
Welcome:)
