Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "A Pale Sister"Science fiction.
39 total reviews
Comment from kathleenspalding
Whoa! Cold blooded ending, LOL! Well written chapter moves the story forward and kept my interest from start to finish. Only a couple suggestions -
He (had - delete) accepted the story... Also, maybe say Vincent instead of 'he' to avoid confusion & repetition, and rearrange the first sentence of the next paragraph to avoid repeating 'Vincent'?
...twenty floors at the basement (fix)
Diana's labor had lasted...revisit paragraph for stronger verbs.
"Yes," he (ensured - assured?).
...disappear as they would - disappear with them? To avoid repetition?
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2017
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Whoa! Cold blooded ending, LOL! Well written chapter moves the story forward and kept my interest from start to finish. Only a couple suggestions -
He (had - delete) accepted the story... Also, maybe say Vincent instead of 'he' to avoid confusion & repetition, and rearrange the first sentence of the next paragraph to avoid repeating 'Vincent'?
...twenty floors at the basement (fix)
Diana's labor had lasted...revisit paragraph for stronger verbs.
"Yes," he (ensured - assured?).
...disappear as they would - disappear with them? To avoid repetition?
Comment Written 04-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2017
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It's funny how those things get by me. Thank you for seeing and suggesting, Kathleen.
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Haha, I know what you mean! We look at our stuff so much, it makes us blind. It's why I decided that I will post everything I intend to submit on fanstory first, LOL. Best eagle eyes ever. You're welcome. Glad to be of help.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Bill, this is eerie and frightening stuff. Monsters seems to be taking over. Well, in the world we live in I shouldn't be too surprised. Very well written, All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Hi Bill, this is eerie and frightening stuff. Monsters seems to be taking over. Well, in the world we live in I shouldn't be too surprised. Very well written, All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 03-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thanks, Ulla
Comment from emptypage
Oh, Jeez. What a name.
This story took quite a turn. I can't figure out why, but people I've fanned keep falling off my list. Seriously. Including people I talk to daily. It's weird.
Anyway, it has gone from terrifying to... a different kind of terrifying, LOL.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Oh, Jeez. What a name.
This story took quite a turn. I can't figure out why, but people I've fanned keep falling off my list. Seriously. Including people I talk to daily. It's weird.
Anyway, it has gone from terrifying to... a different kind of terrifying, LOL.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2017
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Thanks, EP, for keeping track of those you rise and fall. Not sure who you're talking to, but --- thanks for the excellent review. Bill
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I'm an idiot, Bill. Sorry. I was tired. I mentioned the fans falling off my list because this was the first to show up in my inbox from you in a while.
Comment from JDRBAR
Not having read the prior chapters, I can review this one on its own merits. It is very interesting, well written, with no snags that I saw. I do have to say, I could never name a dog, much less a child, Cancer. Yuck. LOL
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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Not having read the prior chapters, I can review this one on its own merits. It is very interesting, well written, with no snags that I saw. I do have to say, I could never name a dog, much less a child, Cancer. Yuck. LOL
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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Thanks for giving this a look.
Comment from nomi338
As things fall more and more into place my gut tells me there are going to be fireworks going off all over the place. I have my front row seat in place and the popcorn is hot and buttered so that I can watch and enjoy the show. LOL.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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As things fall more and more into place my gut tells me there are going to be fireworks going off all over the place. I have my front row seat in place and the popcorn is hot and buttered so that I can watch and enjoy the show. LOL.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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Thanks, nomi, for sticking with this story.
Comment from apky
"Then the position of the planets and stars will be in alignment," added Amanda, "and the Triton will be the receptor of a galactic power that will sweep up the natural laws of time and space and place them in the control of the Magfas.(delete space) "
Wow, I'm cribbling for the next chapter.
Thanks for an unusual read,
Apky
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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"Then the position of the planets and stars will be in alignment," added Amanda, "and the Triton will be the receptor of a galactic power that will sweep up the natural laws of time and space and place them in the control of the Magfas.(delete space) "
Wow, I'm cribbling for the next chapter.
Thanks for an unusual read,
Apky
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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Thanks for the help, apky.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Series of climax as chapters, realistic feeling about the tale going on, now after pains, smile again with the birth of third daughter, zodiac moment gets the name, new twist; I liked.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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Series of climax as chapters, realistic feeling about the tale going on, now after pains, smile again with the birth of third daughter, zodiac moment gets the name, new twist; I liked.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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Thanks, ALD, for the kind review. Bill
Comment from AnnieDawn
The word "rape" and the sentence structure as it was written in threw up red flags all over the place. Anxiety would be extremely high, also, for someone reading this with that word used so many times for so many raped in that short a time. I work for a rape prevention association so am sensitive to certain things. I am suggesting "accosted" or "brutalized and became pregnant by". Somehow they are not as sharp to the senses. The rest of your chapter was well written. Good job.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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The word "rape" and the sentence structure as it was written in threw up red flags all over the place. Anxiety would be extremely high, also, for someone reading this with that word used so many times for so many raped in that short a time. I work for a rape prevention association so am sensitive to certain things. I am suggesting "accosted" or "brutalized and became pregnant by". Somehow they are not as sharp to the senses. The rest of your chapter was well written. Good job.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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I can see your point and will consider "brutilized" as opposed to the too-firm-of-a-handshake connotation of "accosted".
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A great chapter. When my daughter was born, I took my five-year-old son to the hospital. When we entered my wife's room she was holding the baby. I said, "Mike, this is your sister."
He looked at her and asked, "Why is her face so red?"
I said, "She's an Indian."
He said, "Oh, boy. We're gonna have fun."
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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A great chapter. When my daughter was born, I took my five-year-old son to the hospital. When we entered my wife's room she was holding the baby. I said, "Mike, this is your sister."
He looked at her and asked, "Why is her face so red?"
I said, "She's an Indian."
He said, "Oh, boy. We're gonna have fun."
Comment Written 02-Jun-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2017
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That is a funny and memorable moment to be sure.
Comment from pickthorn
You have a distinctive way of telling your story. Good believable dialogue. It would be helpful if you would include some background information in your author's notes.
Great writing
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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You have a distinctive way of telling your story. Good believable dialogue. It would be helpful if you would include some background information in your author's notes.
Great writing
Comment Written 12-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2013
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Thank you for reviewing. I'll update. Bill
