Until The End Of Time
Armageddon approaches...a short story28 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
I found this very moving:
'I try make my words soothing and tender. Blanche was always good at reading me, but surely all she will now is love light in my eyes. I drink in the vision of her.'
This is a terrific contest entry, Dawn. Romantic despite its somber tone. I almost wonder if the above two lines might not be a good way to end it? Just a thought.
Good luck in the contest with this terrific piece.
Hugs, Bev
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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I found this very moving:
'I try make my words soothing and tender. Blanche was always good at reading me, but surely all she will now is love light in my eyes. I drink in the vision of her.'
This is a terrific contest entry, Dawn. Romantic despite its somber tone. I almost wonder if the above two lines might not be a good way to end it? Just a thought.
Good luck in the contest with this terrific piece.
Hugs, Bev
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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You know, that's not half bad. Thanks so much, my friend!
It is a Science Fiction, but also a romance...hmm...considering the compulsory sentence we use at the beginning though, I think I would rather keep the thrust on the science fiction part of it though... What do you think? (I'm lazy about doing any more revision too - I have over 300 poems, 3 books and about 70 short stories to edit...Hahahaha! PLUS, a certain friend of mine has given me one month to get my first book of poetry published! Yikes!)
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I think it's just fine as is, Dawn. I forgot about the sentence starts the story angle. And, yes, the clock is ticking!! hehehehehe
XX Bev
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Dawn,
I really enjoyed this flash of fiction. You have written just enough background information about the impending doom to satisfy the reader. The ending is perfect - fits right into the flash fiction format. 'I lead my beloved...' is a great line. Just one question. Is Mrs. Barrow Blanche?
Hugs,
Lou
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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Hi Dawn,
I really enjoyed this flash of fiction. You have written just enough background information about the impending doom to satisfy the reader. The ending is perfect - fits right into the flash fiction format. 'I lead my beloved...' is a great line. Just one question. Is Mrs. Barrow Blanche?
Hugs,
Lou
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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Yes, she is - the sentence continues, referring to their bedroom. Thanks so much, Lou - glad you enjoyed it!
Comment from James Chaima Phiri
Was this a self imposed Armageddon? The sad part of this story
is that the man led the lady to drink the poison as well. If the world was coming to an end, why not wait for it? The man had a mental problem.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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Was this a self imposed Armageddon? The sad part of this story
is that the man led the lady to drink the poison as well. If the world was coming to an end, why not wait for it? The man had a mental problem.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2013
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Didn't you read the paragraph that tells us about science and that the globe has shifted off its axis and is racing towards the sun?
I don't think anyone would say he had a mental problem - he is saving his wife from a terrible end. I'd much prefer dying in my sleep than being incinerated. But each to his own, I guess...
Thanks for reviewing.
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Didn't you read the paragraph that tells us about science and that the globe has shifted off its axis and is racing towards the sun?
I don't think anyone would say he had a mental problem - he is saving his wife from a terrible end. I'd much prefer dying in my sleep than being incinerated. But each to his own, I guess...
Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Very good story Dawn and well written. Very good imagery and raw emotion in every paragraph. I enjoyed it very much.
A very emotional ending....
I shudder suddenly, barely able to control the flood of sorrow that hits like a tsunami.
My friend, you promised it would be quick and painless. I lead my beloved to this final act of love.
I pray the man hasn't lied.
Well done. Nancy
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Very good story Dawn and well written. Very good imagery and raw emotion in every paragraph. I enjoyed it very much.
A very emotional ending....
I shudder suddenly, barely able to control the flood of sorrow that hits like a tsunami.
My friend, you promised it would be quick and painless. I lead my beloved to this final act of love.
I pray the man hasn't lied.
Well done. Nancy
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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Thank you, Nancy, so much. I'm happy you liked it. :)
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a cleverly told story of a couple's love, compassion and their fear - with so little time to live, they spend the last moments together in their bedroom in each others arms.
A good way to go.
Blanche's mother gave s as - us as
Good luck with the contest, Dawn.
Margaret
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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This is a cleverly told story of a couple's love, compassion and their fear - with so little time to live, they spend the last moments together in their bedroom in each others arms.
A good way to go.
Blanche's mother gave s as - us as
Good luck with the contest, Dawn.
Margaret
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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Oh, I am indebted, yet again! Thanks for the catch, my friend. and for this simply wonderful review! I'm so glad you liked it, Margaret.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh my. This is a strong contest entry. It tells the entire story in a very few amount of words. You did a very good job. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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Oh my. This is a strong contest entry. It tells the entire story in a very few amount of words. You did a very good job. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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High praise from one of my favorite writers! Thank you, thank you. I am honored, Barbara!
Comment from boxergirl
Great story line. Connects you with the characters - foreshadowing -predicting what he might do and what if it isn't true.
A small typo "when mother gave s the".
A little confusion about how long they had been together. At one point it seemed they had not been together long. "It's so unfair..." Then towards the end, they had shared the room "blissfully and intimately for so many years"
I love the ending. :-)
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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Great story line. Connects you with the characters - foreshadowing -predicting what he might do and what if it isn't true.
A small typo "when mother gave s the".
A little confusion about how long they had been together. At one point it seemed they had not been together long. "It's so unfair..." Then towards the end, they had shared the room "blissfully and intimately for so many years"
I love the ending. :-)
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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Oh dear, I think you may have a point I overlooked - I wrote from my perspective (grandmother age+ - I have 'great' nieces and nephews - LOL) not thinking of a younger viewpoint, and how anyone from that age group might feel it had been only a short time they'd been together because Reg thinks about his years of doomed relationships and his loneliness. What a VERY valuable review (including the typo catch, which is already fixed, but thanks :).
Not only will I have to give this some thought before revising, but your feedback will have me examining my plotting more carefully in future. How astute of you!!! Thank you very much!
Comment from Sasha
If I knew I was facing the final moments of earth, I think I would do the same thing. Not knowing how fast I would die or the amount of pain involved would be the deciding factor. My mother feared the pain of death and she was so fortunate to have passed in an instant from an aneurism. In a ball of flames from crashing into the sun...no thanks.
You have doe a great job conveying the love, compassion, and fear of this couple. At least they will be with each other at the end. Great work with this one and a terrific entry for the contest. I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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If I knew I was facing the final moments of earth, I think I would do the same thing. Not knowing how fast I would die or the amount of pain involved would be the deciding factor. My mother feared the pain of death and she was so fortunate to have passed in an instant from an aneurism. In a ball of flames from crashing into the sun...no thanks.
You have doe a great job conveying the love, compassion, and fear of this couple. At least they will be with each other at the end. Great work with this one and a terrific entry for the contest. I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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Many heartfelt thanks for this marvelous review, Sasha - I am truly honored!
I totally agree. Who would prefer incineration to dying peacefully in sleep, or quickly...my mother died the same way yours did, my friend.
Comment from w.j.debi
You've done a good job building tension in your end-of-the-world scenario. The emotions seem real. You did catch me off guard at the end with the age of the couple. I was envisioning newlyweds throughout the rest of the story. I'm sure that was intentional and you pulled it off well. You've done a good job with the prompt. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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You've done a good job building tension in your end-of-the-world scenario. The emotions seem real. You did catch me off guard at the end with the age of the couple. I was envisioning newlyweds throughout the rest of the story. I'm sure that was intentional and you pulled it off well. You've done a good job with the prompt. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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You are the second reviewer now to point out something very valuable - when I have Reg thinking about past relationships and his loneliness, I am writing from my viewpoint, and it never occurred to me that the perspective makes all the difference in this case. (Actually, since we reply from most recent review, you were the first.)
Many thanks for an extremely helpful review!!!
Comment from cinderbella
I think you well deserve six stars for this one. Shivers were running through my body as I read it, and the writing was at once beautiful yet so sad. The final act of love... wow. This gives me pause to think and wonder... what would I do? Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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I think you well deserve six stars for this one. Shivers were running through my body as I read it, and the writing was at once beautiful yet so sad. The final act of love... wow. This gives me pause to think and wonder... what would I do? Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2013
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Wow, Sandra, of all the things you could have said; this has to be the most wonderful weaving of words in a review...I still can't believe it took you so long to show your writing to others! You are amazing, and I am deeply touched and honored by this review. Thank you.
