Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "Lionel"Science fiction.
20 total reviews
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Linked and realistic exposure; new character has ever emerged to contribute to the progression of the plot for upkeeping the theme; I liked how in death-filled surroundings, and tensions, Olan leaves the hospital; escaping is evident in the theme; I enjoyed clarity and flow of thoughts, so a 6-STAR again.
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Linked and realistic exposure; new character has ever emerged to contribute to the progression of the plot for upkeeping the theme; I liked how in death-filled surroundings, and tensions, Olan leaves the hospital; escaping is evident in the theme; I enjoyed clarity and flow of thoughts, so a 6-STAR again.
Comment Written 20-May-2017
reply by the author on 20-May-2017
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Thank you, ALD, for the extraordinary review. Bill
Comment from Dean Kuch
In this chapter we are introduced to Dr. Lionel Michaels, a gifted young African-American man, and a graduate of Georgetown University. Having aspirations of becoming a doctor since his early youth, Lionel is approached by Ernesto Rivera, a prominent businessman, who offered to pay all of Lionel's expenses after his scholarship money and his job had fallen through.
I was surprised to learn that Michaels had been a gang member, and murdered people. Ironic that he became a doctor, ending up helping people heal rather than putting them into an early grave. Once he finished his internship, he become a resident at City Hospital, and it was then that he heard from Ernesto Rivera again.
Lionel is asked to dispatch of Whitey and Sheriff Olan. Lionel does manage to break Whitey's neck, but Sheriff Olan is more of a problem. He anticipates the rather large doctors move, and sends him catapulting backwards. Olan then smashes his head in with the IV stand he's attached to.
Now, bent on revenge for his attempted murder, Olan had his sights set on Amanda Lee, and visions of breaking her neck instead...
Nice. Not too graphic, with just enough gore to keep it interesting. I read on...
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013
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In this chapter we are introduced to Dr. Lionel Michaels, a gifted young African-American man, and a graduate of Georgetown University. Having aspirations of becoming a doctor since his early youth, Lionel is approached by Ernesto Rivera, a prominent businessman, who offered to pay all of Lionel's expenses after his scholarship money and his job had fallen through.
I was surprised to learn that Michaels had been a gang member, and murdered people. Ironic that he became a doctor, ending up helping people heal rather than putting them into an early grave. Once he finished his internship, he become a resident at City Hospital, and it was then that he heard from Ernesto Rivera again.
Lionel is asked to dispatch of Whitey and Sheriff Olan. Lionel does manage to break Whitey's neck, but Sheriff Olan is more of a problem. He anticipates the rather large doctors move, and sends him catapulting backwards. Olan then smashes his head in with the IV stand he's attached to.
Now, bent on revenge for his attempted murder, Olan had his sights set on Amanda Lee, and visions of breaking her neck instead...
Nice. Not too graphic, with just enough gore to keep it interesting. I read on...
Comment Written 02-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013
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I see as I go along that I should go back and stretch these characters' backgrounds out a little before I kill them off. Thank you for the review. Bill
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bill. Good writing here.Your plot keeps the reader's interest all the way. You have excellent imagery and some clever similes...like this one: "Whitey's neck snapped like a beer pretzel."
I do have a suggesiton if you don't mind, Bill.
"Washington, who had approached" Look back through and eliminate some of the "hads" as in thisline. You don't need them in order to tell a chapter in past tense.
Good writing overall, Bill. Take care, Bob
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013
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Hi, Bill. Good writing here.Your plot keeps the reader's interest all the way. You have excellent imagery and some clever similes...like this one: "Whitey's neck snapped like a beer pretzel."
I do have a suggesiton if you don't mind, Bill.
"Washington, who had approached" Look back through and eliminate some of the "hads" as in thisline. You don't need them in order to tell a chapter in past tense.
Good writing overall, Bill. Take care, Bob
Comment Written 02-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 02-Sep-2013
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Thank you for the helpful review, Bob. Tense shift is a bit of a nuisance sometimes.
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I know. I know...:) Bob
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
WOW! Intense stuff, but not gorey... Hard to write such a scene so powerfully yet tastefully. Amanda is not behind this one... it's Rivera. I came into the middle and will have to find time to see what it's all about.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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WOW! Intense stuff, but not gorey... Hard to write such a scene so powerfully yet tastefully. Amanda is not behind this one... it's Rivera. I came into the middle and will have to find time to see what it's all about.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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Thank you, Phyllis, for taking a look at this.
Comment from Gungalo
Wow, I guess she would be surprised to see him. Imagine all of the planning that went into this. A real fiasco when it happened and only half the job got done.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Wow, I guess she would be surprised to see him. Imagine all of the planning that went into this. A real fiasco when it happened and only half the job got done.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Thanks for taking a look at this.
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Smile Bill.
Comment from adewpearl
the funding for his education came from a man who approached him after his second year in medical school - that is six years into an 8 year education - doesn't really sound like the guy funded most of his education.
high-priced apartment -add the hyphen
That is one dramatic back story you give him
so he killed 15 people when he was 13 and 14 years old? that stretches my credulity a bit
a compelling scene as Lionel fights it out with Olan
Brooke
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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the funding for his education came from a man who approached him after his second year in medical school - that is six years into an 8 year education - doesn't really sound like the guy funded most of his education.
high-priced apartment -add the hyphen
That is one dramatic back story you give him
so he killed 15 people when he was 13 and 14 years old? that stretches my credulity a bit
a compelling scene as Lionel fights it out with Olan
Brooke
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Keeping me honest, Brooke. I did gloss over the academic ladder a bit and went for the likelihood of accepting a dubious offer to keep from losing ground. The back story was meant to reinforce the idea that murder was not a foreign concept and was ironically in conflict with a 'first do no harm' philosophy. I really need to flesh out these characters to raise their walk-on status a bit. Thank you for the observations.
Comment from cinderbella
Well, this one has certainly left me wanting more. Your writing style is wonderful, I was totally captivated as I read. Moves along at a very fast pace. I loved it. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Well, this one has certainly left me wanting more. Your writing style is wonderful, I was totally captivated as I read. Moves along at a very fast pace. I loved it. :) Sandra
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Sandra, for the encouraging review. Bill
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
What do these concluding sentences have in common that should be corrected?
"He was in a hospital gown and needed clothes.
Whitey's were too small.
The other man on the floor was more his size, bigger.
His clothes, relatively ... to do.
He staggered over to the bloody hulk ..
He pictured Amanda laughing somewhere,..
He imagined the look on her face ..was about to be.
He kept imagining it as he exited the front door...
Other than that a good read.
Regards:
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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What do these concluding sentences have in common that should be corrected?
"He was in a hospital gown and needed clothes.
Whitey's were too small.
The other man on the floor was more his size, bigger.
His clothes, relatively ... to do.
He staggered over to the bloody hulk ..
He pictured Amanda laughing somewhere,..
He imagined the look on her face ..was about to be.
He kept imagining it as he exited the front door...
Other than that a good read.
Regards:
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Oh good, a game. I would have to say that they all (most) begin the same. Instead of 'He staggered over to the bloody hulk.' It could be "Staggering, Olan reached the bloody hulk..." How'd I do?
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Dear Bill: Stephen King, the maestro of horror has been criticized for beginning sentences with 'ing' words. His critics are broke and he's made millions. Mix up sentence structure. Writing is like pitching a BB. Never throw the same pitch 2x in a row. If it sounds like writing, rewrite.
With Respect: Steve C
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I agree. In my enthusiasm to get this on the site I neglect to consider style over storyline. Thank you for your helpful suggestions. Bill
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Bill,
This is so well-written and exciting. Your character descriptions are well done. I could see the hospital room the doctor and the two men lying in the beds. The action moved along rapidly, and came to a cliffhanger ending. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
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reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Hi Bill,
This is so well-written and exciting. Your character descriptions are well done. I could see the hospital room the doctor and the two men lying in the beds. The action moved along rapidly, and came to a cliffhanger ending. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Rosalyne. for the enthusiastic review. Bill
Comment from Righteous Riter
The writer does a good job of drawing the reader into this chapter. The writer is very descriptive with the words chosen. The pace is steady and consistent as the writer does a good job of ending this chapter and setting up for the next chapter.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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The writer does a good job of drawing the reader into this chapter. The writer is very descriptive with the words chosen. The pace is steady and consistent as the writer does a good job of ending this chapter and setting up for the next chapter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Thank you for your encouraging review.
