Death at the Mall
final minutes in 500 words27 total reviews
Comment from Righteous Riter
The writer does a good job of leading the reader where the reader needs to go. The writer transitions the events well as the pace is steady and consistent. The writer does a good job of bringing this story to the right ending.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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The writer does a good job of leading the reader where the reader needs to go. The writer transitions the events well as the pace is steady and consistent. The writer does a good job of bringing this story to the right ending.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2013
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I appreciate you reading and reviewing. Thank you.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Well, as I said, I found this so hard hitting. Sadly, too, it reflects incidences in our society these days. To tell it from her point of view really pushed the emotion into the reader.
Her final thoughts - so mundane, which somehow made them more profound. I'm not sure why.
The blood - forming rivers of regret. Take a bow for that one!
Powerful work, Ingrid. You're on a roll lately. I like.
Av
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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Well, as I said, I found this so hard hitting. Sadly, too, it reflects incidences in our society these days. To tell it from her point of view really pushed the emotion into the reader.
Her final thoughts - so mundane, which somehow made them more profound. I'm not sure why.
The blood - forming rivers of regret. Take a bow for that one!
Powerful work, Ingrid. You're on a roll lately. I like.
Av
Comment Written 01-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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I'm pretty sure I should take a break. I know too much about ugly- try a test towards bluebirds and pussy willows, my reality and formulas evoke, but don't inspire. I need to rethink this exercise. Thank you for staying attached.
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It can be draining embracing the darker side of the writer's mind.
I like bluebirds and pussy willow.
You're welcome. Stuck like glue.
Comment from EMB
You did a great job of narrating one of the victims of a massacre at a mall. And her life may not have flashed before her, but what you gave was more interesting and real.
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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You did a great job of narrating one of the victims of a massacre at a mall. And her life may not have flashed before her, but what you gave was more interesting and real.
Comment Written 01-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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Thank you for all the sparkle. There seem to be a lot of meaningless random shootings every day in the news. It could be anyone.
Comment from Jumbo J
Hi Ingrid,
now that's a thought, isn't it? All these final questions... I would of been thinking, stuff the diet I should of pigged out on something evil and delicious... Beautifully written my forlorn friend... You should really surprise me some time and write something warm and fluffy?
Kindest thoughts,
James xx
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Hi Ingrid,
now that's a thought, isn't it? All these final questions... I would of been thinking, stuff the diet I should of pigged out on something evil and delicious... Beautifully written my forlorn friend... You should really surprise me some time and write something warm and fluffy?
Kindest thoughts,
James xx
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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I've missed you.
I think as close to soft and fluffy as I'm capable of getting is off the wall outrageous humour. Haven't had a lot of life experience with pussy willows and velvet. Thanks for all the stars.
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
No one knows what goes through the mind of someone who was just shot by a gunman out of nowhere. To lay there and want to be there for the woman next to you so she wouldn't be alone...wow. You did a great job with this
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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No one knows what goes through the mind of someone who was just shot by a gunman out of nowhere. To lay there and want to be there for the woman next to you so she wouldn't be alone...wow. You did a great job with this
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Thank you, yes it's impossible to know everything that floats through a person's mind, but this is as I imagined it would be for me.
Comment from N.K. Wagner
I'm out of 6s, Ingrid, but this deserves one. You've done an excellent job of focusing on the mundane we all revert to in moments of extreme stress. I can't help but wonder if she lives after all. (Triage and all that.) But death is nearing, in her mind, anyway. And who needs diets? Outstanding. :) Nancy
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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I'm out of 6s, Ingrid, but this deserves one. You've done an excellent job of focusing on the mundane we all revert to in moments of extreme stress. I can't help but wonder if she lives after all. (Triage and all that.) But death is nearing, in her mind, anyway. And who needs diets? Outstanding. :) Nancy
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Thanks so much. Isn't it ironic how some of the stronger submissions roll off one's finger tips with little effort and the one's you sweat over linger and fall flat?
Comment from daeneam
Very meaningful 500 words to tell a tale for your last minutes of living. Honestly, I hate death! Especially, a love ones death. I always ask, why they have to die so young? why not those people who has nothing good to do... I guess death is as mysterious as living itself.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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Very meaningful 500 words to tell a tale for your last minutes of living. Honestly, I hate death! Especially, a love ones death. I always ask, why they have to die so young? why not those people who has nothing good to do... I guess death is as mysterious as living itself.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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The older a person gets the more they think about the end. When life is extinguished due to violence is seems a cruel trick.
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Yes. I agree. I just can't believe why people kill and put justice in their hand. God sees us and He is always with us!
Comment from DALLAS01
The thoughts that are spilling out of a person who is dying seem perfectly coherent to me. This is so powerful because it personalizes the experience for the reader. The vivid imagery Is secondary to what is really going on.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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The thoughts that are spilling out of a person who is dying seem perfectly coherent to me. This is so powerful because it personalizes the experience for the reader. The vivid imagery Is secondary to what is really going on.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2013
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I've taken to exploring emotion--a momentary snapshot and have been trying to create short pieces that encapsulate all that is running through the person's mind. Thanks for all the stars.
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This was really exceptional.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ingrid: I sincerely wish I had six stars to give you for this one. It is cleverly written, staged and the work itself is done with superb imagination. for instance, I liked the alliteration:
"rivers of regret."
This idea:
"Maybe time doesn't count when it's running out."
Suggestion" It's funny what thoughts run through your mind (change this to read "Funny, the thoughts that run through.....etc"
Brilliant job here, Ingrid. Bob
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Hi, Ingrid: I sincerely wish I had six stars to give you for this one. It is cleverly written, staged and the work itself is done with superb imagination. for instance, I liked the alliteration:
"rivers of regret."
This idea:
"Maybe time doesn't count when it's running out."
Suggestion" It's funny what thoughts run through your mind (change this to read "Funny, the thoughts that run through.....etc"
Brilliant job here, Ingrid. Bob
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Your suggestions are always right on the mark. Will make that change. It reads much better. Thanks so much.
Comment from cinderbella
Wow, this is one of the best 500 word pieces I have ever read. It is so very creative, and the thoughts expressed are so realistic, the question at the end stays with me... does any of it matter? I wish I had a six, you deserve that and more, I really love this one. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Wow, this is one of the best 500 word pieces I have ever read. It is so very creative, and the thoughts expressed are so realistic, the question at the end stays with me... does any of it matter? I wish I had a six, you deserve that and more, I really love this one. :) Sandra
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Very generous praise. Thank you very much.
