Death at the Mall
final minutes in 500 words27 total reviews
Comment from BethShelby
This is intense and possibly not so different from the things one would feel as life ebbs away after being shot. It is a scary world and all of us are vulnerable. You did a great job of making this seem real and making me ask myself the question, if this were my last day, would I do things different?
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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This is intense and possibly not so different from the things one would feel as life ebbs away after being shot. It is a scary world and all of us are vulnerable. You did a great job of making this seem real and making me ask myself the question, if this were my last day, would I do things different?
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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I'm sure we all would. Very few of us ever lives our days as we wish we had. Thanks for the exceptional review.
Comment from Sasha
This is an amazing and riveting story. Kept me glued to my chair from from beginning to end. Your thoughts were so realistic I felt as though I was also dying. No one can really know what goes through a person's mind but I am sure you cane damn close. Great work with this one.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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This is an amazing and riveting story. Kept me glued to my chair from from beginning to end. Your thoughts were so realistic I felt as though I was also dying. No one can really know what goes through a person's mind but I am sure you cane damn close. Great work with this one.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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now, if I could writer with such fervent passion when it comes to positive energy and attitudes. I'm a misery expert...BLAHHHH
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You're a misery expert and I am a misery professional...what a pair!
Comment from Spitfire
I would swear you had been there, done that and lived to tell about it. Stimulating details that put the reader right in the picture. Maybe we all treat each day as if it were out last. You writing is always spelling binding and an awesome read. A six if I had any left.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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I would swear you had been there, done that and lived to tell about it. Stimulating details that put the reader right in the picture. Maybe we all treat each day as if it were out last. You writing is always spelling binding and an awesome read. A six if I had any left.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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What an absolutely kind thing to say. Thank you very much. There are people who think I've been here before...I have no opinion.
Comment from barleygirl
Good job conveying the non-linear, tumbling thoughts & fragmented observations of a person just shot & dying. While it's impossible to be inside such a person's head, you've written this in a raw, confused-human way that's so believable, the reader is willing to suspend disbelief. Great line: "spilling onto the granite and forming rivers of regret" . . . nice work!
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Good job conveying the non-linear, tumbling thoughts & fragmented observations of a person just shot & dying. While it's impossible to be inside such a person's head, you've written this in a raw, confused-human way that's so believable, the reader is willing to suspend disbelief. Great line: "spilling onto the granite and forming rivers of regret" . . . nice work!
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Thanks, I'm happy that you understood that the phrasing was deliberate.
Comment from Ducorse
A very gripping story. I really enjoyed it.
A couple of notes, may be pasting artefact, I can't tell but you might want to take a look.
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...feet nearby"I smell the sweat of a body nearby-- arms grabbing me, straps laced across my chest, squeaking wheels"more sirens.
I don't understand the quotes...
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...needles"I'm in ...
Same comment.
Thanks for a great read.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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A very gripping story. I really enjoyed it.
A couple of notes, may be pasting artefact, I can't tell but you might want to take a look.
---
...feet nearby"I smell the sweat of a body nearby-- arms grabbing me, straps laced across my chest, squeaking wheels"more sirens.
I don't understand the quotes...
---
...needles"I'm in ...
Same comment.
Thanks for a great read.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Groan....every time I copy/paste from word to FS all my dashes are replaced with quotation marks. I should know better by now and double check the finished piece, but I let it slip by. Thanks for the alert.
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Do you save as RTF or text first, then copy/paste? If not this might help.
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thanks
Comment from Mark Alan Trimeloni
Does anyone ever wonder why the highway becomes a one-way street? Would I have watered the plants or put more food out for the cat, if I knew this morning I'd never come home again?
I'd breath a sigh of relief and thank God for bringing me back home where I belong.
As I lay on the granite tiles feeling the blood pool beneath my head, a warm sticky puddle of lost dreams, I wondered what I might have done differently if I'd known this was my final day of life.
This is intriguing. Makes me wonder how this person died.
Perhaps I'll just sleep. She died in her sleep, but she is me and I wonder if I should stay awake so as not to forget. Maybe that won't matter either. Did any of it matter?
That's an easy question to answer. No.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Does anyone ever wonder why the highway becomes a one-way street? Would I have watered the plants or put more food out for the cat, if I knew this morning I'd never come home again?
I'd breath a sigh of relief and thank God for bringing me back home where I belong.
As I lay on the granite tiles feeling the blood pool beneath my head, a warm sticky puddle of lost dreams, I wondered what I might have done differently if I'd known this was my final day of life.
This is intriguing. Makes me wonder how this person died.
Perhaps I'll just sleep. She died in her sleep, but she is me and I wonder if I should stay awake so as not to forget. Maybe that won't matter either. Did any of it matter?
That's an easy question to answer. No.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Good to know there's at least one person who has the answer. Cool.
Comment from joneau2
What a fantastic narrative of such a tragic event. You possess such a mastery of words ... expressing the thoughts of a dying woman ... so poignant. What else can I say other than to add that I was pleased to read your work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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What a fantastic narrative of such a tragic event. You possess such a mastery of words ... expressing the thoughts of a dying woman ... so poignant. What else can I say other than to add that I was pleased to read your work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the compliment.
