Disappearance of Gregg
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Rash, "Trisha and Gregg move to a remote Cabin for work
10 total reviews
Comment from EMB
I'm not quite sure what's going on here, but it sounds like Gregg is either turning into the Incredible Shrinking Man or he's aging backwards. The violence in this chapter, making the woman one who would take abuse, sets up for some sour chapters ahead for her.
Nice work. :)
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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I'm not quite sure what's going on here, but it sounds like Gregg is either turning into the Incredible Shrinking Man or he's aging backwards. The violence in this chapter, making the woman one who would take abuse, sets up for some sour chapters ahead for her.
Nice work. :)
Comment Written 26-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2013
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something for sure is happening, thank you for reading, posting two more soon...
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am wondering if a doctor will come out to the cabin. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm sure it has to do with the rash.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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I am wondering if a doctor will come out to the cabin. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm sure it has to do with the rash.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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we will see soon
Comment from GWinterwin
Interesting story about what's happening to your husband. Sounds like a scary time for you. Your story makes me anxious for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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Interesting story about what's happening to your husband. Sounds like a scary time for you. Your story makes me anxious for the next chapter.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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thank you I am glad
Comment from misscookie
This is great,
You capture my attention in every line I read. I fear for the wife . Now I wondering what else bite him to make him change.
Thank for sharing.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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This is great,
You capture my attention in every line I read. I fear for the wife . Now I wondering what else bite him to make him change.
Thank for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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I am so glad, thank you
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Your very welcome.
until next time.
Comment from Spitfire
Good details to make us feel that something is definitely happening. Is he shrinking? Again, watch wordiness.
The close relationship we had known in the past seemed to disappear. He quit bringing his friends and co-workers home. Twice during past weeks he refused to get up and go to work
could be shortened:
Our close relationship began to disappear. ( You need to show this with details as in : he ignored me at breakfast, took his lunch with him, showed up late for dinner and mumbled one-syllable answers to my quesions.)
Other odd things happened: He quit bringing his friends and co-workers home. Twice during past weeks he refused to get up and go to work
Other examples of wordiness:
I was about five foot, four inches, and he was five feet, eight or nine inches. He was husky and had weighed one hundred and seventy-five pounds for years.
I said, "Gregg, what in the world is happening to you? It looks like you are shrinking; look, you are the same height as I am now, and I have noticed you look like you are losing weight too."
Compare:
I was five foot, four inches, and he was a husky five feet nine who had wighed one hundred and seventy-five pounds for years.
I said, "What is happening to you? I swear you're shrinking; Look, our heads are even. And you're wearing a belt for the first time in years. Are you losing weight?
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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Good details to make us feel that something is definitely happening. Is he shrinking? Again, watch wordiness.
The close relationship we had known in the past seemed to disappear. He quit bringing his friends and co-workers home. Twice during past weeks he refused to get up and go to work
could be shortened:
Our close relationship began to disappear. ( You need to show this with details as in : he ignored me at breakfast, took his lunch with him, showed up late for dinner and mumbled one-syllable answers to my quesions.)
Other odd things happened: He quit bringing his friends and co-workers home. Twice during past weeks he refused to get up and go to work
Other examples of wordiness:
I was about five foot, four inches, and he was five feet, eight or nine inches. He was husky and had weighed one hundred and seventy-five pounds for years.
I said, "Gregg, what in the world is happening to you? It looks like you are shrinking; look, you are the same height as I am now, and I have noticed you look like you are losing weight too."
Compare:
I was five foot, four inches, and he was a husky five feet nine who had wighed one hundred and seventy-five pounds for years.
I said, "What is happening to you? I swear you're shrinking; Look, our heads are even. And you're wearing a belt for the first time in years. Are you losing weight?
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2013
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this is true, I love your help in this chapter, thank you, working fast on this story, while my real spouse is sick, will edit tonight, thank you
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Good for you. That's the only way to learn. I hope your hubby gets better soon.
Comment from adewpearl
A week went by. - I added the period
we had known in the past, seemed - drop the comma
his height seems - seemed
nine inches respectively - drop respectively
When he came home that night, - add the comma
just laid there - lay
You create an atmosphere of mystery and suspense well as there is more and more evidence of his shrinking
I fell back a step, and clutched - drop the comma
More excellent character development with the dramatic change in his personality
Brooke
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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A week went by. - I added the period
we had known in the past, seemed - drop the comma
his height seems - seemed
nine inches respectively - drop respectively
When he came home that night, - add the comma
just laid there - lay
You create an atmosphere of mystery and suspense well as there is more and more evidence of his shrinking
I fell back a step, and clutched - drop the comma
More excellent character development with the dramatic change in his personality
Brooke
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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making the changes now, thank you for your help
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
"...all (red) marks....
"...OMIT 'All' The close companionship such as we had
OMIT: "I looked at him,... seventy-five pounds for years.
"...in a high tremolo voice,
CHANGE: "...business," (and) then (he) stamped...
AWKWARD:"...he ever had acted
"He failed...too large for him.
CONSIDER:
"At the bedroom door he brushed past me and threw himself on the bed. As he laid there, I noticed that his pant legs were turned up at the ankles and that his clothing hung loose upon him.
CAPITAL:"... said, "honey, (Honey)...
CONSIDER: "...and grabbed (clutched) my face...
"WITH tears on my face,....
"...never once did ( had committed) a...
Has potential but the sentence structure needs tightening up as suggested above. Keep at it.
Regards:
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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"...all (red) marks....
"...OMIT 'All' The close companionship such as we had
OMIT: "I looked at him,... seventy-five pounds for years.
"...in a high tremolo voice,
CHANGE: "...business," (and) then (he) stamped...
AWKWARD:"...he ever had acted
"He failed...too large for him.
CONSIDER:
"At the bedroom door he brushed past me and threw himself on the bed. As he laid there, I noticed that his pant legs were turned up at the ankles and that his clothing hung loose upon him.
CAPITAL:"... said, "honey, (Honey)...
CONSIDER: "...and grabbed (clutched) my face...
"WITH tears on my face,....
"...never once did ( had committed) a...
Has potential but the sentence structure needs tightening up as suggested above. Keep at it.
Regards:
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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you re the besty, this is why I like posting my first rough draft, authors writers, well you catch the obvious, which I miss the first time around, my mind locks to my hands, and off my crazy writing, thank you so much, editing this first, thank you
Comment from barkingdog
You've posed quite a mystery. We wonder why Gregg is changing in temperament and physical stature. Oh, and his skin looks greenish.
Well done, wierdgrace.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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You've posed quite a mystery. We wonder why Gregg is changing in temperament and physical stature. Oh, and his skin looks greenish.
Well done, wierdgrace.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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enjoy, more tomorrow
Comment from Quillian
This is a STORY. The title is now looking very ominous! However, whatever is happening is happening damn quickly, as evidenced by his deteriorating mind. Good tension and suspense.
A suggestion, you might consider dropping "such as" from your 2nd paragraph, I think it might tighten up that sentence.
Keep it coming. Quillian
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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This is a STORY. The title is now looking very ominous! However, whatever is happening is happening damn quickly, as evidenced by his deteriorating mind. Good tension and suspense.
A suggestion, you might consider dropping "such as" from your 2nd paragraph, I think it might tighten up that sentence.
Keep it coming. Quillian
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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thank you so much for your help, enjoy
Comment from joneau2
Wow, what a continuation. I didn't expect the supernatural. Hmm, just what is going to happen now? Does Gregg turn into a green evil elf, maybe a leprechaun? I guess I'll just have to read on. You drew me in.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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Wow, what a continuation. I didn't expect the supernatural. Hmm, just what is going to happen now? Does Gregg turn into a green evil elf, maybe a leprechaun? I guess I'll just have to read on. You drew me in.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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so glad you are liking it
