Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Prism"Science fiction.
16 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
In this chapter of Pale Sisters, we learn a little more about the history of the Magfas and the Kolk, and their infiltration into human society. We learn of the trinity, a prisim being created from three genetically identical people who had the molecular structures and make-up as a prism. They would be used to gather energy through the chaos & mayhem that the Irsdon would soon cause, releasing enough energies to carry out their goals of world domination.
The Kolk were beginning to interfere in the process, removing their DNA makeup from the gene pool, thus disrupting the order.
This was an extremely interesting premise and chapter, Bill. I really appreciated the thought that went into creating this alternate race and heir internal struggles.
Nicely done!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2013
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In this chapter of Pale Sisters, we learn a little more about the history of the Magfas and the Kolk, and their infiltration into human society. We learn of the trinity, a prisim being created from three genetically identical people who had the molecular structures and make-up as a prism. They would be used to gather energy through the chaos & mayhem that the Irsdon would soon cause, releasing enough energies to carry out their goals of world domination.
The Kolk were beginning to interfere in the process, removing their DNA makeup from the gene pool, thus disrupting the order.
This was an extremely interesting premise and chapter, Bill. I really appreciated the thought that went into creating this alternate race and heir internal struggles.
Nicely done!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Dean. I appreciate your positive and enthusiastic comments. Bill
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Bill,
This chapter is very well-written. I am really enjoying the story, which is very interesting. The idea of recreating and using genetics is clever. I really like how you discussed the history between the Kolks and the Magfas. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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Hi Bill,
This chapter is very well-written. I am really enjoying the story, which is very interesting. The idea of recreating and using genetics is clever. I really like how you discussed the history between the Kolks and the Magfas. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Rosalyne, for staying in.
Comment from Sararb
This is developing into a story that would make a nice science fiction movie someday. Now I can see where you are headed with this story. I was having some trouble trying to figure out who these people were. I like the name that you chose for the group Magfa's. Good job! Sararb :)
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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This is developing into a story that would make a nice science fiction movie someday. Now I can see where you are headed with this story. I was having some trouble trying to figure out who these people were. I like the name that you chose for the group Magfa's. Good job! Sararb :)
Comment Written 20-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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Thank you very much for reviewing.
Comment from sibhus
I thought the explaniton of the sciene behind the Magfas plans sounded pretty good. Sounded as if it could be really and that it could work. Almost like the new-agers explaining mutiple souls within a body that is on a reincarnation cycle that includes alien infusion. God chapter that was interesting, and the saucy bit at the end was a nice touch.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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I thought the explaniton of the sciene behind the Magfas plans sounded pretty good. Sounded as if it could be really and that it could work. Almost like the new-agers explaining mutiple souls within a body that is on a reincarnation cycle that includes alien infusion. God chapter that was interesting, and the saucy bit at the end was a nice touch.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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Thank you for reviewing. Amanda is a caution.
Comment from gene roush
This is an intriguing story.
You have created an intricate and fascinating world.
I think that simplification of this worldis going to be your greatest challenge.
There are a couple things that might help.
'This prism would collect the massing energy, which flowed freely and in enormous supply within the inner atmosphere' might be better as 'This prism collected the enormous energy -- flowing freely within the inner atmosphere'
'world war that delivered up energy like had not been seen in centuries' might be better as --'world war that delivered energy, unseen for centuries'
Thanks for sharing,
I look forward to reading more.
Gene
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reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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This is an intriguing story.
You have created an intricate and fascinating world.
I think that simplification of this worldis going to be your greatest challenge.
There are a couple things that might help.
'This prism would collect the massing energy, which flowed freely and in enormous supply within the inner atmosphere' might be better as 'This prism collected the enormous energy -- flowing freely within the inner atmosphere'
'world war that delivered up energy like had not been seen in centuries' might be better as --'world war that delivered energy, unseen for centuries'
Thanks for sharing,
I look forward to reading more.
Gene
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the suggestions, gene.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This sounds pretty well thought out.
With the following lines:
Amada Lee was livid when she learned, from Warden Foster Dag, that
I don't think you need the comma after learned and Dag
There was no plan to kill Sophia, yet,
I don't think 'yet' has to be set off with commas, unless you definitely wanted a pause there.
The follows of the Magfas
I think you mean 'followers'
Maybe change 'put' to 'placed' in the line
she would seek to escape from the incarceration in which she had allowed herself to be put.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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This sounds pretty well thought out.
With the following lines:
Amada Lee was livid when she learned, from Warden Foster Dag, that
I don't think you need the comma after learned and Dag
There was no plan to kill Sophia, yet,
I don't think 'yet' has to be set off with commas, unless you definitely wanted a pause there.
The follows of the Magfas
I think you mean 'followers'
Maybe change 'put' to 'placed' in the line
she would seek to escape from the incarceration in which she had allowed herself to be put.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the help, Crystie
