Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Plan"Science fiction.
15 total reviews
Comment from emptypage
Damn, Bill. I don't know if you'll take this as a compliment or not, but you have a really messed up head on your shoulders.
This kind of thing could easily go on in the near future, if you ask me. I know genetics experiments have gone on...forever??? But this violent? This forced? Well, yes on the forced, especially since many people on whom genetics testing has been done were never informed...
But, wow.
Keep writing.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Damn, Bill. I don't know if you'll take this as a compliment or not, but you have a really messed up head on your shoulders.
This kind of thing could easily go on in the near future, if you ask me. I know genetics experiments have gone on...forever??? But this violent? This forced? Well, yes on the forced, especially since many people on whom genetics testing has been done were never informed...
But, wow.
Keep writing.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you, EP, for your excitement. I like this story. Bill
Comment from Mustang Patty
This story continues to be compelling. I wonder what the baby will be like. Diana seemed to take the news of being a part of a grand scheme very well. I wonder if she has any misgivings.
~patty~
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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This story continues to be compelling. I wonder what the baby will be like. Diana seemed to take the news of being a part of a grand scheme very well. I wonder if she has any misgivings.
~patty~
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Patty, for the excellent review. The Pale Sisters will be special.
Comment from apky
>>As promised, Diana was quickly released and set up as a secretary, with an impressive resume, to a Maryland engineering corporation executive. Her entire life history, to that point, had been completely expunged and a new one replaced.<<
Sounds to me like the current scary existence of certain women anyway.
Great writing, Bill, which I thoroughly enjoyed.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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>>As promised, Diana was quickly released and set up as a secretary, with an impressive resume, to a Maryland engineering corporation executive. Her entire life history, to that point, had been completely expunged and a new one replaced.<<
Sounds to me like the current scary existence of certain women anyway.
Great writing, Bill, which I thoroughly enjoyed.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2017
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Thank you, apky, for the excellent review. The women take over this story.
Comment from nomi338
That's all great for Diana, but what about poor Sophia? Does she have to remain in jail with no hopes for the future. I guess it's true for some life is great, for oters life is one big pain in the butt.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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That's all great for Diana, but what about poor Sophia? Does she have to remain in jail with no hopes for the future. I guess it's true for some life is great, for oters life is one big pain in the butt.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thanks, nomi.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello,
I think this is a good explanation to explain the story I was reading before. I was a bit confused.
"Am I supposed to lay down for some stud?" I like this sentence--it shows her character and how she won't take stuff laying down (pun intended :P)
So, Diana killed the guard and allowed the goons to hump her for hours (I do have a suggestion, instead of the word 'hump', maybe 'have sex'). For now (comma around interrupter) though, she needed to take the Bel Air in for a tune up.
Good luck! This story sounds intriguing.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Hello,
I think this is a good explanation to explain the story I was reading before. I was a bit confused.
"Am I supposed to lay down for some stud?" I like this sentence--it shows her character and how she won't take stuff laying down (pun intended :P)
So, Diana killed the guard and allowed the goons to hump her for hours (I do have a suggestion, instead of the word 'hump', maybe 'have sex'). For now (comma around interrupter) though, she needed to take the Bel Air in for a tune up.
Good luck! This story sounds intriguing.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Rasmine, for giving this a look. Commas are not my friend. I appreciate your note on that. I am sticking with "hump", though, (look what I did) as it is more in keeping with the tone than the more descriptive "having sex".
Comment from Thomas Bowling
A very good story.Lots of imagination at work on this piece. I just posted my first science fiction story, Future Travelers. You might want to give it a look.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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A very good story.Lots of imagination at work on this piece. I just posted my first science fiction story, Future Travelers. You might want to give it a look.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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Thanks. I'll check it out.
Comment from Nikki-Nicole
Nice portrait.
Free of grammatical errors!
Thumbs up on the title, 'Plan'. This is a well-written piece.
Thank you for sharing it with us. Good luck with future writings!
Nicole
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Nice portrait.
Free of grammatical errors!
Thumbs up on the title, 'Plan'. This is a well-written piece.
Thank you for sharing it with us. Good luck with future writings!
Nicole
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Nicole, for the positive review. Bill
Comment from smreel
The fact that the story is written in past tense caused me to give you 4 stars and not 5 stars. To write in present story time, and not in passive voice replace of all the was, had, would be, would have to be, had, and had been with stronger verbs.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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The fact that the story is written in past tense caused me to give you 4 stars and not 5 stars. To write in present story time, and not in passive voice replace of all the was, had, would be, would have to be, had, and had been with stronger verbs.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you, smreel, for the suggestion about verb tense. Bill
Comment from bmethner
A very intriguing piece. Your story flowed smoothly and was easily understood. The concept of the storyline is believable even though it is out there. The dialogue set easily in the text and revealed the characters to the reader. I could immediately tell who I like and who I didn't just from their voice in the writing. I liked the ending slipping back into the everyday life. It made for a great balance between the fantasy of it all and reality. I was sucked in before I knew it. It definitely left me longing to know more.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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A very intriguing piece. Your story flowed smoothly and was easily understood. The concept of the storyline is believable even though it is out there. The dialogue set easily in the text and revealed the characters to the reader. I could immediately tell who I like and who I didn't just from their voice in the writing. I liked the ending slipping back into the everyday life. It made for a great balance between the fantasy of it all and reality. I was sucked in before I knew it. It definitely left me longing to know more.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you, bme, for giving it a look. Here's the story so far:
Sophia Pale has been widowed (her husband was murdered while she was raped; a few months later having a baby), kidnapped (a year later by the same men who'd killed her husband and raped her), raped again (while witnessing another murder) arrested for murder ( having been framed by the real perpetrators (in what is appearing to be an organized effort) imprisoned (losing her daughter and giving birth to another in prison, which was taken away) witness to murder and raped again in prison (by the same people), and has met two women (one, Diana, who was a friend, but was at the latest murder and rape as a killer, and another, Linda, a strange new person who speaks to her without talking. Now, she's been found dead in her cell, Diana has been pardoned, and Linda is in a coma.
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Wow, your main character has a lot on her plate
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Sophia is bowing out as Diana and Linda step up to the plate
Comment from mbroyles2
Diana has an unusual way of getting a car I'll grant her that.
I like this chapter as it gives us a little more backstory and a better idea of what is actually going on.
It seems a rough way to go, but Diana came through it okay I guess.
Looking forward to the next part.
Michael
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Diana has an unusual way of getting a car I'll grant her that.
I like this chapter as it gives us a little more backstory and a better idea of what is actually going on.
It seems a rough way to go, but Diana came through it okay I guess.
Looking forward to the next part.
Michael
Comment Written 01-Apr-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Thank you, Michael, for the great review. Bill
