Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Cell"Science fiction.
25 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Bill,
Your chapter is well done, short and to the point. The end really leaves the reader wanting more. Great job.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Hi Bill,
Your chapter is well done, short and to the point. The end really leaves the reader wanting more. Great job.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Thank you. This is short but necessary.
Comment from Sararb
Nice addition to your story. I wonder what happened here. You give a good description of what prison life would be like. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to read the next part. Sararb :)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Nice addition to your story. I wonder what happened here. You give a good description of what prison life would be like. Keep up the good work, and I can't wait to read the next part. Sararb :)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Thank you. On we go.
Comment from Antoni0
Really great transitions. Started to get involved with the characters from the beginning. I was really looking forward to a conclusion or more detail to the scene foreground or background noises and other people reactions. Great work!
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reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Really great transitions. Started to get involved with the characters from the beginning. I was really looking forward to a conclusion or more detail to the scene foreground or background noises and other people reactions. Great work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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You need to read the rest of the chapters.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
(when)The lights came on...
A bit awkward, for ex:
"One was only a few steps onto the main ladderway when she noticed the hair between the bars of the cell straight ahead."
CONSIDER:
"After a few steps onto the main ladder way, one guard noticed hair hanging down between the bars of a cell straight ahead."
OR:
"The other guard called for backup and alerted security; the door was opened and she checked the two women for vital signs."
CONSIDER breaking it up:
"After the other guard had alerted security; the cell door was opened. Two women lying inside were immediately checked for vital signs."
A sad occurrence that is quite common in today's over crowded jails. I worked for a few months in the city jail downtown Vancouver BC, Canada. A realistic write.
Regards:
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
|
(when)The lights came on...
A bit awkward, for ex:
"One was only a few steps onto the main ladderway when she noticed the hair between the bars of the cell straight ahead."
CONSIDER:
"After a few steps onto the main ladder way, one guard noticed hair hanging down between the bars of a cell straight ahead."
OR:
"The other guard called for backup and alerted security; the door was opened and she checked the two women for vital signs."
CONSIDER breaking it up:
"After the other guard had alerted security; the cell door was opened. Two women lying inside were immediately checked for vital signs."
A sad occurrence that is quite common in today's over crowded jails. I worked for a few months in the city jail downtown Vancouver BC, Canada. A realistic write.
Regards:
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Thanks for the input. Bill
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No problem. I just posted a medieval poem in 3 parts called 'Coeurinere' You might like it.
Thanks: Steve C
Comment from Tina McKala
It was too short for a chapter, but I will consider it to be a part of a chapter/unfinished chapter. Visualization was very good, the scene well captured and delivered into a reader's mind. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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It was too short for a chapter, but I will consider it to be a part of a chapter/unfinished chapter. Visualization was very good, the scene well captured and delivered into a reader's mind. Good job.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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I agree this is kind of short, but it needs to go here and the rest has to unfold outside of this scene. The chapters are all short, which seems to work for this reader base.
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the shorter and the more money paid, the more reviews received... that's how FS works.
