Pale Sisters
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Magfas"Science fiction.
16 total reviews
Comment from Caressa_08
I think this will make a good chapter in a novel for those who are into this type of intense read. And well, you are a very talented writer to make it seem so real with characters that come to life.
There will always be, unfortunately, rapes, murders in our world of crime, misdeeds, and all types of abuse.The Big print made it an easy read, even if this adult material isn't what I'm used to reading,...except too, it's all in the news, and all the grizzly details these days and that is even a scarier scenario of happenings as mankind has quite an evil side to him with the devil working overtime, with many innocent victims are never accounted for as they are either murdered or kidnapped like your persona, Sophia.
Caressa_08
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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I think this will make a good chapter in a novel for those who are into this type of intense read. And well, you are a very talented writer to make it seem so real with characters that come to life.
There will always be, unfortunately, rapes, murders in our world of crime, misdeeds, and all types of abuse.The Big print made it an easy read, even if this adult material isn't what I'm used to reading,...except too, it's all in the news, and all the grizzly details these days and that is even a scarier scenario of happenings as mankind has quite an evil side to him with the devil working overtime, with many innocent victims are never accounted for as they are either murdered or kidnapped like your persona, Sophia.
Caressa_08
Comment Written 09-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2017
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I know it's a gritty story, but I felt the inclusion of the ritualistic insemination sets the framework for understanding the origin of the story and where it's going. Thank you for reviewing.
Comment from nomi338
Well, it don't look good for Sophia at this point do it? The cards are certainly stacked against her and nothing she can say or do will make any difference. If I were she, I would be quiet and start thinking, plotting and planning. This is a good chapter. I hate to see a good girl get such a raw deal, but I guess that is just the way it is sometimes.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Well, it don't look good for Sophia at this point do it? The cards are certainly stacked against her and nothing she can say or do will make any difference. If I were she, I would be quiet and start thinking, plotting and planning. This is a good chapter. I hate to see a good girl get such a raw deal, but I guess that is just the way it is sometimes.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Thank you, nomi, for the great review. I'm afraid Sophia is having one of those lives.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
Good twists, nice climax, interesting movement, entertaining plot progression for thematic flow, Sophia's journey is getting worst, Aunt is on the suspect; I enjoyed this chapter, fantastic flow of thoughts maintained, good use of setting and realistic dialogues, curious ending.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Good twists, nice climax, interesting movement, entertaining plot progression for thematic flow, Sophia's journey is getting worst, Aunt is on the suspect; I enjoyed this chapter, fantastic flow of thoughts maintained, good use of setting and realistic dialogues, curious ending.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Thank you, ALD, for the excellent review. Bill
Comment from Jay Squires
Poor Sophia. She's taken as much as a human being can expect to take. Yet she's right back taking more.
"Officer," she exhaled, trying to catch her breath, "I'm Sophia Pale and I"" [Double closed quote and no ending punctuation.]
as the patrol car spun off of the gravel and screeched [Bill, you don't really need the "of" in this sentence. If you read it without it, you'll see what I mean.]
I liked the way you ended this with the open questions that would logically be swirling in her mind.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Poor Sophia. She's taken as much as a human being can expect to take. Yet she's right back taking more.
"Officer," she exhaled, trying to catch her breath, "I'm Sophia Pale and I"" [Double closed quote and no ending punctuation.]
as the patrol car spun off of the gravel and screeched [Bill, you don't really need the "of" in this sentence. If you read it without it, you'll see what I mean.]
I liked the way you ended this with the open questions that would logically be swirling in her mind.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Thank you, Jay, for the close review. I should have swept it one more time for those quotation marks. The words 'of' and 'that' join the comma in my basket of deplorables.
Comment from Rlegel99
Since she has been raped before, I would like to know more about what was going on in her head during the rape. Does her mind go blank or does she have something she thinks about. She goes limp, is she so used to it she doesn't even fight?
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Since she has been raped before, I would like to know more about what was going on in her head during the rape. Does her mind go blank or does she have something she thinks about. She goes limp, is she so used to it she doesn't even fight?
Comment Written 06-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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Sophia's inner thoughts are not explored here, as there is more coming. I agree I could do more to build up her character.
Comment from Mustang Patty
My heart aches for this woman. She is trapped within a web of intrigue and mystery - but none of it is good for her. The only bone of contention that I have with the premise is that after being gang-raped for hours, she may not have had the strength or ability to 'leap' anywhere.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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My heart aches for this woman. She is trapped within a web of intrigue and mystery - but none of it is good for her. The only bone of contention that I have with the premise is that after being gang-raped for hours, she may not have had the strength or ability to 'leap' anywhere.
Thank you for sharing,
~patty~
Comment Written 06-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2017
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I simply figured that the idea of escape would bring on the adrenaline and cause her to have that kind of energy.
Comment from lindalcreel
This was an excellent addition to the last chapter. The intensity of the plot is building and now Sophia is finally starting to suspect that her aunt was involved. I'm off to the next chapter. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2013
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This was an excellent addition to the last chapter. The intensity of the plot is building and now Sophia is finally starting to suspect that her aunt was involved. I'm off to the next chapter. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2013
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Thank you for sticking with it, Linda, and for the positive review.
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Looking forward to what's coming next. Someone is going to pay.
Comment from cinderbella
Well, although there was violence, I do know that it was crucial to the story, and the story is captivating. It held my attention right through, and leaves me wanting more. This is very well-written, and had a chilling, but very realistic tone. I really liked it. :) Sandra
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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Well, although there was violence, I do know that it was crucial to the story, and the story is captivating. It held my attention right through, and leaves me wanting more. This is very well-written, and had a chilling, but very realistic tone. I really liked it. :) Sandra
Comment Written 01-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 01-Sep-2013
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You are getting to be my favorite reviewer, Sandra. Your upbeat comments do me a lot of good. Thank you. Bill
Comment from Righteous Riter
The writer delivers a message that taps into the emotions of the reader. This chapter fills me with mixed emotions. Sympathy for the victim and revenge toward the assailants. This chapter is exciting from start to finish. Good job.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2013
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The writer delivers a message that taps into the emotions of the reader. This chapter fills me with mixed emotions. Sympathy for the victim and revenge toward the assailants. This chapter is exciting from start to finish. Good job.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2013
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Thank you for this very encouraging review. Bill
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a violent scene, which you described well and now sophie is being framed...
a few things you might care to look at, Bill.... just ignore if not in agreement.
"Git on offa her dad gummit! - I've read this over and over - is there a word missing?
"I got plenty," laughed Lou, as he pulled up from the shivering girl. "So where's the fodder there, Sherriff?" asked Lou, looking for his briefs. - here Bill - you've mentioned Lou twice, which isn't really necessary. Might you consider...
"I got plenty," laughed Lou, as he pulled up from the shivering girl and looked for his briefs. "So where's the fodder there, Sherriff?"
but (with) mouth agape and shaking her head, - perhaps add with
"I'm Sophia Pale and I""
"I'm Sophia Pale and I..."
I beat it shut[.]!" - lose redundant period
and I was there and""
and I was there and..."
Margaret
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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What a violent scene, which you described well and now sophie is being framed...
a few things you might care to look at, Bill.... just ignore if not in agreement.
"Git on offa her dad gummit! - I've read this over and over - is there a word missing?
"I got plenty," laughed Lou, as he pulled up from the shivering girl. "So where's the fodder there, Sherriff?" asked Lou, looking for his briefs. - here Bill - you've mentioned Lou twice, which isn't really necessary. Might you consider...
"I got plenty," laughed Lou, as he pulled up from the shivering girl and looked for his briefs. "So where's the fodder there, Sherriff?"
but (with) mouth agape and shaking her head, - perhaps add with
"I'm Sophia Pale and I""
"I'm Sophia Pale and I..."
I beat it shut[.]!" - lose redundant period
and I was there and""
and I was there and..."
Margaret
Comment Written 17-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2013
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Lots of cool things to talk about here, Margaret.
"Git on offa her dad gummit! 'offa' = off of... 'dad gummit' is a mongrelized Spoonerism -Translated it would read: "Get off of her god damn it!"
"I got plenty," laughed Lou, as he pulled up from the shivering girl and looked for his briefs. "So where's the fodder there, Sherriff?"
I like this change too. I actually like the storyline so well, I tend to concentrate more on identifying the speakers than the redundancy of the tag.
but (with) mouth agape and shaking her head, - perhaps add with
If I were to change this I'd sooner lose both the conjunction and the preposition and replace them with a semicolon.
"I'm Sophia Pale and I""
"I'm Sophia Pale and I..."
and I was there and..."
The problem I have with these is two-fold. One is I debate using an ellipsis rather than an em-dash to represent a dialog that's been cut off. My indention, when representing this cut off, is sometimes thwarted by auto-correct, which changes my dash to a quotation mark. I also see using ellipses as pauses in dialog to be wrong in general, though MLA and Chicago Style seem to disagree with each other.
Thank you for your help with this, Margaret. I enjoy and appreciate it. Bill
