Scream
A Tale from the Little Big House17 total reviews
Comment from EMB
This was pretty good. Quick question: When you mention a bus filled with loud people, I couldn't really picture it, and there's no description. Were there a bunch of parents with kids running around or something?
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2013
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This was pretty good. Quick question: When you mention a bus filled with loud people, I couldn't really picture it, and there's no description. Were there a bunch of parents with kids running around or something?
Comment Written 06-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2013
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I don't know. I see what mean. Show not tell. Thank you.
Comment from Jean Lagace
It is nice to have an editor looking at your stuff and his opinion might have some plus value over mine but I find this a perfect story. It has everything and a great punch line. I would be very happy to have written that good a tale myself. I have a routine of reading something of my reviewers to know better who they are. Don't give the six often. But I sure feel great in giving it to you now.
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2013
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It is nice to have an editor looking at your stuff and his opinion might have some plus value over mine but I find this a perfect story. It has everything and a great punch line. I would be very happy to have written that good a tale myself. I have a routine of reading something of my reviewers to know better who they are. Don't give the six often. But I sure feel great in giving it to you now.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2013
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thank you
Comment from Dean Kuch
Oh yeah, this dude has definitely lost it, flipped his wig, went bonkers, lounged at the lunatic luau...and there are many more such terms, but you get the drift.
He killed an old lady while trying to swipe her purse, and purse which was accidentally attached to the old woman's wrist by her bracelet.
It could happen to anyone deciding to steal a purse, or any number of occasions, for that matter...
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2013
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Oh yeah, this dude has definitely lost it, flipped his wig, went bonkers, lounged at the lunatic luau...and there are many more such terms, but you get the drift.
He killed an old lady while trying to swipe her purse, and purse which was accidentally attached to the old woman's wrist by her bracelet.
It could happen to anyone deciding to steal a purse, or any number of occasions, for that matter...
Comment Written 04-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2013
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Thank you
Comment from angelface2
Yowsy what a crazy lady, or guy. Didn't figure that one out. At least, I hope I never turn out that way. Yikes. what a life it would be. End up in the nut house! Good story! Well written. Miss Sally
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Yowsy what a crazy lady, or guy. Didn't figure that one out. At least, I hope I never turn out that way. Yikes. what a life it would be. End up in the nut house! Good story! Well written. Miss Sally
Comment Written 03-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Thank you.
Comment from jjstar
That's a pretty frightening story with the killer's point of view. The mixture of the language and attitude of the would-be robber, turned murderer, being driven crazy by the screams, which I assume are symbolic for his guilt, makes me wonder how many "bad guys" think and feel this way. How many blame their victims, or feel that their lives are so messed up that the rich owe them something? Horrible to think about. Good entry for this contest. Good luck!
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Suggestions/Comments
I remember thinking; how finding the ===maybe better: I remember thinking that finding the pass was....
That was the only reason====since you used that in the previous sentence you might try It was the ...
In the fifth paragraph there are way, way too many She was, she had, she was..she had it all...need to change that...
remote I heard that same old voice===I'd take out the I and say: on her remote and heard that...
In the seventh paragraph way too many I's...work on changing by combining..
I tried to pull the bag away from her but she====comma after her
She just held on and kept hollering. ====since you used just in the previous sentence I'd take it out here.
It's her,(insert comma) you see
I took some cotton balls from the infirmary today,(insert comma)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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That's a pretty frightening story with the killer's point of view. The mixture of the language and attitude of the would-be robber, turned murderer, being driven crazy by the screams, which I assume are symbolic for his guilt, makes me wonder how many "bad guys" think and feel this way. How many blame their victims, or feel that their lives are so messed up that the rich owe them something? Horrible to think about. Good entry for this contest. Good luck!
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Suggestions/Comments
I remember thinking; how finding the ===maybe better: I remember thinking that finding the pass was....
That was the only reason====since you used that in the previous sentence you might try It was the ...
In the fifth paragraph there are way, way too many She was, she had, she was..she had it all...need to change that...
remote I heard that same old voice===I'd take out the I and say: on her remote and heard that...
In the seventh paragraph way too many I's...work on changing by combining..
I tried to pull the bag away from her but she====comma after her
She just held on and kept hollering. ====since you used just in the previous sentence I'd take it out here.
It's her,(insert comma) you see
I took some cotton balls from the infirmary today,(insert comma)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Thanks for reading and the suggestions. I used the many repetitions on purpose to illustrate his deteriorating state of mind and to show what his focus was as compared to what it should have been. The commas are always a choice depending on where you wish the reader to pause for the effect of the statement.
I'm glad you took the time to read it. I will be adding more tales soon. Thank you.
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Some commas are a choice, but there are some pretty standard rules about coordinating conjunctions...you're very welcome. :)
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Yes, I agree there are some rules, depending on the size of the sentence, the control of the elements of thought, and unfortunately which part of the country you were taught.
I try avoid suggestions on comma usage because depending on where you are in the country, schools and universities teach it differently
You have to love the English language there isn't another like it. :)
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Good points...I guess being an editor I see things a little more in black and white. LOL.
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No two editors think the same or see things the way. Really, growing up my family moved around the country a lot. America is a regional nation. Some things taught the same, some different.
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Yep...I get it..I was a military brat...just suggestions..take it or leave it. :) Just trying to help out where I can.
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I know, I was just enjoying a writing conversation on a Saturday. Have a good weekend.
Comment from ennahanid
I swear I could here that screaming...the telling voice was excellent and certainly kept my attention and all I can say is thanks to your somewhat 'nutty' narrator for the bit of a grin on my face this morning - Dinah
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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I swear I could here that screaming...the telling voice was excellent and certainly kept my attention and all I can say is thanks to your somewhat 'nutty' narrator for the bit of a grin on my face this morning - Dinah
Comment Written 03-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Thank you very much
Comment from barleygirl
Very compelling story, realistically getting inside someone's head who's going nuts in a situation, losing grip on reality, & the narrative feels very raw & honest, the way a person like this might actually see it, altho totally unbelievable to others, but so believable to the narrator. Very intense. Good job! Good luck!
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Very compelling story, realistically getting inside someone's head who's going nuts in a situation, losing grip on reality, & the narrative feels very raw & honest, the way a person like this might actually see it, altho totally unbelievable to others, but so believable to the narrator. Very intense. Good job! Good luck!
Comment Written 03-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Thank you very much
Comment from Spitfire
A nice updating of Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart. The narrator is literally mad and in denial. A great character sketch as well as a horror story. You've got my vote! A six if I had any left.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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A nice updating of Poe's The Tell-Tale Heart. The narrator is literally mad and in denial. A great character sketch as well as a horror story. You've got my vote! A six if I had any left.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2013
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Thank you. Yes, I love Poe
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi,
Scream is a powerful story, well-written and unsettling. The screams your character heard were well described, as is his insanity.
Best of luck with the contest.
Bye
Rosalyne
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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Hi,
Scream is a powerful story, well-written and unsettling. The screams your character heard were well described, as is his insanity.
Best of luck with the contest.
Bye
Rosalyne
Comment Written 02-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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Thank you very much
Comment from Zue65
This story is more like a creepy story of a person and his hallucinative bouts with conscience. Persons with mental issues who cannot look for work and blame the rich for their woes. Sometimes people wallow in the Victim Syndrome attitude that they forget to blame themselves and made it difficult for them to get out of depression. But the prompt is about finding something, I guess it is the bus pass in this story. Nice, God bless.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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This story is more like a creepy story of a person and his hallucinative bouts with conscience. Persons with mental issues who cannot look for work and blame the rich for their woes. Sometimes people wallow in the Victim Syndrome attitude that they forget to blame themselves and made it difficult for them to get out of depression. But the prompt is about finding something, I guess it is the bus pass in this story. Nice, God bless.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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Thank you. Yes it was the bus pass that led him downtown and aided in changing his life.
