All Dressed In White
A guest's point of view89 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
I love the smart-ass attitude of the wedding guest narrator LOL
I am laughing my head off over the disclaimer about responsibility for the ski-accident death of wife number two LOL
The bodyguard tranquilized her and buried her? LOL Oh, this is priceless :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I love the smart-ass attitude of the wedding guest narrator LOL
I am laughing my head off over the disclaimer about responsibility for the ski-accident death of wife number two LOL
The bodyguard tranquilized her and buried her? LOL Oh, this is priceless :-) Brooke
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Oh, Brooke, thank you so much! To know you enjoyed this story so much just made my day. :-) Many thanks!
Jan
Comment from BunnyS
Wow! Such a cute story and so creative! I had no idea until the very end! Now THAT is how a story should be told. The story line is captivating, and very clever. I smiled all the way through. Great job!! I am really wishing I hadn't entered this one... Good luck!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Wow! Such a cute story and so creative! I had no idea until the very end! Now THAT is how a story should be told. The story line is captivating, and very clever. I smiled all the way through. Great job!! I am really wishing I hadn't entered this one... Good luck!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much! Don't worry about your entry. Everyone likes something different, and I'm sure your entry will be very well received also. All the very best in the contest!
Jan
Comment from Leineco
What a unique approach to the prompt! I knew the "bodyguard" was jealous/possessive - but, wham! - what a great twist!! I loved reading this....great job :-)
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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What a unique approach to the prompt! I knew the "bodyguard" was jealous/possessive - but, wham! - what a great twist!! I loved reading this....great job :-)
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Many thanks. So glad you enjoyed the twist! :-)
Jan
Comment from Green Lake Girl
I loved, loved, loved this story! I certainly didn't see the ending coming. Very clever, nicely written. Great imagery throughout, but particularly: "His face is looking like a lobster poking out of a ceramic pot."
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I loved, loved, loved this story! I certainly didn't see the ending coming. Very clever, nicely written. Great imagery throughout, but particularly: "His face is looking like a lobster poking out of a ceramic pot."
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you! You just made my afternoon! I really appreciate the six stars and your kind words. So glad you enjoyed it.
Jan
Comment from barbara.wilkey
OH MY!! This is funny. I enjoyed reading and you had me laughing. This is a great contest entry. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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OH MY!! This is funny. I enjoyed reading and you had me laughing. This is a great contest entry. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much!
Jan
Comment from eddy_hominid
a word picture!!! or a mini movie...
wonderful imagery, great imagination.
kind of sends the "wrong message" of killing someone to protect your friend, but still acceptable in this case. lol!!!
great work. keep it up.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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a word picture!!! or a mini movie...
wonderful imagery, great imagination.
kind of sends the "wrong message" of killing someone to protect your friend, but still acceptable in this case. lol!!!
great work. keep it up.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Many thanks! :-)
Jan
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I think this is hilarious. I hope it does extremely well in that contest. Such a surprise ending, of sorts. I think the quote:
"you don't suppose she's marrying him for his money, do you?"
Needs a capital letter for 'you' at the beginning.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I think this is hilarious. I hope it does extremely well in that contest. Such a surprise ending, of sorts. I think the quote:
"you don't suppose she's marrying him for his money, do you?"
Needs a capital letter for 'you' at the beginning.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the exceptional review! Made my day. :-)
Really appreciated.
Comment from doris1022
thanks for using my art and the story is cute and witty. a nice write. well done. flows good and I like the dogs side. lol good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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thanks for using my art and the story is cute and witty. a nice write. well done. flows good and I like the dogs side. lol good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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You are welcome! Thank you so much for providing the artwork! :-)
Comment from Julia.
Haha! Cute story, and I like the twist near the end that this was from the perspective of a dog. And a very smart dog at that. :)
I do think the story would have been stronger if there had been some actual dialog used; the all-narrative telling doesn't work that well for me. This could still be done from a dog's perspective and not give away the twist.
Overall, though, a really good entry into the contest!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Haha! Cute story, and I like the twist near the end that this was from the perspective of a dog. And a very smart dog at that. :)
I do think the story would have been stronger if there had been some actual dialog used; the all-narrative telling doesn't work that well for me. This could still be done from a dog's perspective and not give away the twist.
Overall, though, a really good entry into the contest!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Julia. I appreciate the feedback.
Comment from Edward Buatois
Hi...!
I love that your narrator is a dog -- and a murderously devious one too! I genuinely do -- very clever! I enjoyed reading it. :-)
There were some minor mistakes. Such as, Bible should be capitalized. There're a couple of spots where paragraphs aren't separated by a double-space. There was at least one place where you're missing a space between a quote and the next word.
Minor thing, but this might fit better given that your narrator is a dog: rather than "he laughed and tousled my hair," use "he laughed and patted my head." I also think this is also an improvement in this way: "tousle" sounds affectionate. "Patted my head," given that at this point the reader believes the narrator is human, sounds downright condescending, which fits powerfully into the overall feel you're generating.
One other thing to consider. I know you don't want to make her into a simpering twit -- murderously devious or not -- but ultimately Cindi is doing what she's doing out of love for her master. But she says a few things that are disrespectful, even disdainful, of him. I guess you could make the argument that the true lives of dogs might include such opinions of people behind the waggy tails, but I think the story nevertheless would be improved by trying to turn the disdainful comments like "His face is looking like a lobster poking out of a ceramic pot" into things such as "His face looks tired and I resist the urge to kiss him, knowing that he will just shoo me away," or, "His face is red from all the unaccustomed activity... I begged him to take more walks with me, but did he listen? Noooo..." This would preserve the cynicism of your main character while also having it fit better into our overall impression of dogs: You do after all, I believe, want people to think back on the story and think, "Ohmigawd I can totally see my dog thinking that way if only the dog could think," as opposed to, "Oh, I guess, maybe they could think that way, if they did think."
Good story... good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Hi...!
I love that your narrator is a dog -- and a murderously devious one too! I genuinely do -- very clever! I enjoyed reading it. :-)
There were some minor mistakes. Such as, Bible should be capitalized. There're a couple of spots where paragraphs aren't separated by a double-space. There was at least one place where you're missing a space between a quote and the next word.
Minor thing, but this might fit better given that your narrator is a dog: rather than "he laughed and tousled my hair," use "he laughed and patted my head." I also think this is also an improvement in this way: "tousle" sounds affectionate. "Patted my head," given that at this point the reader believes the narrator is human, sounds downright condescending, which fits powerfully into the overall feel you're generating.
One other thing to consider. I know you don't want to make her into a simpering twit -- murderously devious or not -- but ultimately Cindi is doing what she's doing out of love for her master. But she says a few things that are disrespectful, even disdainful, of him. I guess you could make the argument that the true lives of dogs might include such opinions of people behind the waggy tails, but I think the story nevertheless would be improved by trying to turn the disdainful comments like "His face is looking like a lobster poking out of a ceramic pot" into things such as "His face looks tired and I resist the urge to kiss him, knowing that he will just shoo me away," or, "His face is red from all the unaccustomed activity... I begged him to take more walks with me, but did he listen? Noooo..." This would preserve the cynicism of your main character while also having it fit better into our overall impression of dogs: You do after all, I believe, want people to think back on the story and think, "Ohmigawd I can totally see my dog thinking that way if only the dog could think," as opposed to, "Oh, I guess, maybe they could think that way, if they did think."
Good story... good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much for the extensive review. I went in and corrected the errors and nits you pointed out, and found a couple more to boot! That's what comes of writing a story at 1am in the morning, I guess. LOL Thanks again.
Jan
