Escape
haibun20 total reviews
Comment from AlvinTEthington
This tells a good story and you use abbreviated syntax well. However, the last poem is a bit too abstract for a haiku. Is there a way you could work in more concrete imagery to get across what you want to say?
The way to get this not to appear in your portfolio, but only for the class, is to post the work WITHOUT the picture first, and then go back and add the picture during the first edit.
Good visuals.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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This tells a good story and you use abbreviated syntax well. However, the last poem is a bit too abstract for a haiku. Is there a way you could work in more concrete imagery to get across what you want to say?
The way to get this not to appear in your portfolio, but only for the class, is to post the work WITHOUT the picture first, and then go back and add the picture during the first edit.
Good visuals.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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Thanks so much. I changed the ending so I think it still says what I wanted, but is a concrete image.
I moved the haiku and put the last sentences after it so it reads:
wind blows rose petals
onto tall prairie grass
pink summer snow
Cabin door creaks open, too long since used. Vow to return more often, refuge for a weary mind.
Better I hope~Debbie
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I haven't had time to peruse this again thoroughly, but in your haiku, you have two different kigo--rose for summer and snow for winter. I was once severely criticized by a Japanese judge for having two kigo in one haiku.
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oops--how about:
wind blows rose petals
onto tall prairie grass
pink confetti
????????????????????????????
Debbie
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Yes, that is much better and I like it very much.
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Thanks!!!
Comment from donaldww
Excellent haibun. I have some prose ideas for you to ponder.
Quietude not found in sea of cement.
(I think quietude breaks the mood you've started, and you are required to negate it to make your point. Try to find a replacement for the phrase 'Quietude not found', which doesn't require negation.
Something like:
Waves of noise found in a sea of cement.
or
Jackhammers pounding in a sea of cement.
)
Miles of city lie before free-growing, lush countryside.
(I dropped the word seen. It is redundant, since you present a visual image in the sentence. The fact that it is seen is implied.)
Muddy road leads to [a] solitary log cabin.
(My personal preference is to use articles wherever they sound right.)
The haiku were all excellent, and added a commentary to their preceding paragraphs.
Overall, a super haibun and pleasure to read!
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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Excellent haibun. I have some prose ideas for you to ponder.
Quietude not found in sea of cement.
(I think quietude breaks the mood you've started, and you are required to negate it to make your point. Try to find a replacement for the phrase 'Quietude not found', which doesn't require negation.
Something like:
Waves of noise found in a sea of cement.
or
Jackhammers pounding in a sea of cement.
)
Miles of city lie before free-growing, lush countryside.
(I dropped the word seen. It is redundant, since you present a visual image in the sentence. The fact that it is seen is implied.)
Muddy road leads to [a] solitary log cabin.
(My personal preference is to use articles wherever they sound right.)
The haiku were all excellent, and added a commentary to their preceding paragraphs.
Overall, a super haibun and pleasure to read!
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 31-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much, Donald. I did do some revision based on your comments which were very helpful~Debbie
Comment from DALLAS01
Deb, I really like you haibun. I see it as a progressive transition from one environment to another and though it seems to be primarily imagistic, I think that would qualify it for the assignment. I love your haiku, especially the 2nd one.
The word (found) in your 2nd paragraph threw me off a bit.
I think if you changed the last line to read: Cabin door creaks open, been closed too long. (it is shorter but maybe more to the point.) Just a suggestion.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2013
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Deb, I really like you haibun. I see it as a progressive transition from one environment to another and though it seems to be primarily imagistic, I think that would qualify it for the assignment. I love your haiku, especially the 2nd one.
The word (found) in your 2nd paragraph threw me off a bit.
I think if you changed the last line to read: Cabin door creaks open, been closed too long. (it is shorter but maybe more to the point.) Just a suggestion.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2013
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I agree with that and will look at changing it. Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed review.~Debbie
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:.) See you next week.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Hello my friend I wish I could master this form but feel my punctuation may let me down you have done really well I enjoyed regard's Jill
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Hello my friend I wish I could master this form but feel my punctuation may let me down you have done really well I enjoyed regard's Jill
Comment Written 28-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Thanks, Jill~Debbie
Comment from vickib
Hi Debbie!
Such a peaceful presentation.
Escape/nature interrupted/absence of man/days of splendid peace, are such wonderful descriptions as well as the prose. You do show the contrast so well. I think your last haiku might be more effective and stronger to put the satori at the bottom.
sunrise, sunset frame
day of splendid peace-
refuge for weary mind
I also took the s's out of sunsets and days to make it feel more in the moment instead of in general. Does that make sense?
You are such a beautiful minded poet. I enjoyed the escape.
Great job!
XO
Vicki
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Hi Debbie!
Such a peaceful presentation.
Escape/nature interrupted/absence of man/days of splendid peace, are such wonderful descriptions as well as the prose. You do show the contrast so well. I think your last haiku might be more effective and stronger to put the satori at the bottom.
sunrise, sunset frame
day of splendid peace-
refuge for weary mind
I also took the s's out of sunsets and days to make it feel more in the moment instead of in general. Does that make sense?
You are such a beautiful minded poet. I enjoyed the escape.
Great job!
XO
Vicki
Comment Written 27-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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I like that and may change it. Thanks so very much!!! Debbie
Comment from tedanytime
Very nice theme conveyed by this haibun.
Reader is unsure how to construct the prose part of a haibun, but both parts impart your message well.
Formerly, we lived under the landing lane of a runway of O'Hare. Every 45 seconds a plane was taking off or landing in busiest times.
Now we live within 5 minutes of the cornfields and forested areas. Such peacefulness of spirit, much as you have imparted.
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Very nice theme conveyed by this haibun.
Reader is unsure how to construct the prose part of a haibun, but both parts impart your message well.
Formerly, we lived under the landing lane of a runway of O'Hare. Every 45 seconds a plane was taking off or landing in busiest times.
Now we live within 5 minutes of the cornfields and forested areas. Such peacefulness of spirit, much as you have imparted.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2013
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Glad you found some peace. I would hate to live somewhere so noisy. Thank you for the kind review, my friend~Debbie
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
Prose and Poetry! You have paired a near masterpiece with such skill. I really enjoyed this Debbie. I appreciated the scenes you display in the mind of the reader. 'Serene' is the word I feast on when reading this work. 'Days of splendid peace.' I had to give it a six. Nicely done, Carolyn
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Prose and Poetry! You have paired a near masterpiece with such skill. I really enjoyed this Debbie. I appreciated the scenes you display in the mind of the reader. 'Serene' is the word I feast on when reading this work. 'Days of splendid peace.' I had to give it a six. Nicely done, Carolyn
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Thank you so very much, Carolyn. I am taking the 'haibun' class. Interesting form, isn't it? I appreciate your kind review and stars~Debbie
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Hi Debbie,
I loved your ability to create the sanctuary within your lines. Great imagery and sense of freedom which I loved in this work.
Great post and penned with skill.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Hi Debbie,
I loved your ability to create the sanctuary within your lines. Great imagery and sense of freedom which I loved in this work.
Great post and penned with skill.
Thanks for sharing it.
Maureen
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment from me_tudor
I want to go to this cabin! I hope you are getting to go there to relax. I could totally use one of those vacations where I could go to where no one else is. Great poem.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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I want to go to this cabin! I hope you are getting to go there to relax. I could totally use one of those vacations where I could go to where no one else is. Great poem.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Me too. I had always planned to move to a cabin by the lake in my 50's. Now all I can do is dream about it since it isn't feasible any longer. Thanks so much, my friend~Debbie
Comment from Lovinia
Hi Debbie
You have contrasted the urban and the escape to the tranquility of nature. I regard your haibun as a travel experience.
man's creations
litter former prairie
nature interrupted
This sounds a little 'closed'. Perhaps you might consider something like:
man's creations
interrupt nature
prairie lost in litter
Delightful presentation. Haibun are not supposed to contain an image. Though perhaps you know that and have decided to break the rules .... naughty ... I won't tell. LOL
Great phrase - "Life slowed to a snail's pace." - should be present tense, thus "slows".
"squeaking and groaning" - "squeaks and groans" - much stronger words - gerunds "ings"are not popular with editors, they are considered weak. The second and third haiku are great. Well done Debbie. I have enjoyed your haibun immensely. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Hi Debbie
You have contrasted the urban and the escape to the tranquility of nature. I regard your haibun as a travel experience.
man's creations
litter former prairie
nature interrupted
This sounds a little 'closed'. Perhaps you might consider something like:
man's creations
interrupt nature
prairie lost in litter
Delightful presentation. Haibun are not supposed to contain an image. Though perhaps you know that and have decided to break the rules .... naughty ... I won't tell. LOL
Great phrase - "Life slowed to a snail's pace." - should be present tense, thus "slows".
"squeaking and groaning" - "squeaks and groans" - much stronger words - gerunds "ings"are not popular with editors, they are considered weak. The second and third haiku are great. Well done Debbie. I have enjoyed your haibun immensely. Hugs - Lovi xoxoxo
Comment Written 26-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2013
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Thanks so much, Lovi. I did use most of your suggestions. I truly appreciate your help. Hugs, Debbie
