Gramalot's Storybook
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "ZitheryZoo"A book of stories and poems for kids of all ages.
86 total reviews
Comment from Ric Myworld
Wow! What a touching poem written by someone with a special heart!So gripping that it drags us in and wrings us out, torn between happy and sad. Blessed are the children and those filled with love!
Thanks, for the read!
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Wow! What a touching poem written by someone with a special heart!So gripping that it drags us in and wrings us out, torn between happy and sad. Blessed are the children and those filled with love!
Thanks, for the read!
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Ric, thank you for your comments and review. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from shortwerks
I love the message and the whimsical tone of this poem.
The artwork is perfect.
I have a few minor suggestions to make, which I hope you will find useful.
I thought the phrase "And lie upside down" might work better as "To lie upside down".
I would like to suggest slightly different punctuation for the following stanza:
She will gather Mr. Lionheart
And Snowball, her favorite cat,
Mr. Marshmallow and Fairy Princess
And Wolfie, her black and golden bat.
This seems better to me since you are using "and" to connect the friends. Commas are needed, however, when you describe (as an aside) Snowball and Wolfie.
"Cause Lily has a way in life - I'm sure you meant an apostrophe here and not quotation marks.
"She's not different... she's a gift from God!" It would feel better to me to use a dash here instead of ... as the dash would not cause the reader to slow down so much and would nicely offset the cheery pronouncement.
"To all those that she chances to meet." I think a comma is what you need at the end of this line instead of a period since your thought continues into the next line.
"Though the doctors warned she wouldn't. This is another example of a simple typo where you need the apostrophe instead of quotation mark.
Ditto for the line, "Bout the burdens others watch her bear.
Thank you again for this wonderful and joyful poem. You have beautifully brought Lily to life for us all to enjoy.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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I love the message and the whimsical tone of this poem.
The artwork is perfect.
I have a few minor suggestions to make, which I hope you will find useful.
I thought the phrase "And lie upside down" might work better as "To lie upside down".
I would like to suggest slightly different punctuation for the following stanza:
She will gather Mr. Lionheart
And Snowball, her favorite cat,
Mr. Marshmallow and Fairy Princess
And Wolfie, her black and golden bat.
This seems better to me since you are using "and" to connect the friends. Commas are needed, however, when you describe (as an aside) Snowball and Wolfie.
"Cause Lily has a way in life - I'm sure you meant an apostrophe here and not quotation marks.
"She's not different... she's a gift from God!" It would feel better to me to use a dash here instead of ... as the dash would not cause the reader to slow down so much and would nicely offset the cheery pronouncement.
"To all those that she chances to meet." I think a comma is what you need at the end of this line instead of a period since your thought continues into the next line.
"Though the doctors warned she wouldn't. This is another example of a simple typo where you need the apostrophe instead of quotation mark.
Ditto for the line, "Bout the burdens others watch her bear.
Thank you again for this wonderful and joyful poem. You have beautifully brought Lily to life for us all to enjoy.
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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I use fanstory word processing when writing and it puts the quote mark in instead of the apostrophe all the time. Frustrating. I will also take to revise per the other suggestions. I really appreciate the time you took to review and comment on my poem. Thank you. Jerri
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I understand the frustration. I have found their advanced version (is it called advanced editor?) to be the least troublesome. Cheers!
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hello
ZitheryZoo is a lovely poem for a special child. These children are God's special angels. Their parents too are blessed for having them and loving them. Enjoyed this poem very much.
Cheers
Sylvia
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Hello
ZitheryZoo is a lovely poem for a special child. These children are God's special angels. Their parents too are blessed for having them and loving them. Enjoyed this poem very much.
Cheers
Sylvia
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Sylvia, this is so appreciated. Thank you for your comments and review. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from humpwhistle
This is a delightful tale with underpinnings
of serious concern. Well-told, well-written, and
well-conceived. All God's children nedd to be shown
this kind of consideration.
Good luck in the contest.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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This is a delightful tale with underpinnings
of serious concern. Well-told, well-written, and
well-conceived. All God's children nedd to be shown
this kind of consideration.
Good luck in the contest.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Lee, thank you for your comments and review. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from patsypats
What a delightful read, with such vivid imagery . Your words just roll off the tongue so smooth and so easy to absorb. Your rhyming scheme adds so much character to your work. Cute little picture accents your words well:))
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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What a delightful read, with such vivid imagery . Your words just roll off the tongue so smooth and so easy to absorb. Your rhyming scheme adds so much character to your work. Cute little picture accents your words well:))
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Patsypats, it was the picture that inspired the storyline. Thank you for your comments and review. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Masterwobbly and ZitheryZoo. ... aren't kids precious? This line reminded me of the "twin" language that my two kids spoke when they were little.
Snowball, her favorite cat(,)
To all those (that) she chances to meet.... suggest: ... drop 'that' - may help the beat along a bit
Or when walking (along) her neighborhood street ... suggest: drop 'along' - (ditto)
And Lily never hears the word 'COULDN'T'.... hurrah! God bless little Lily.
(')Bout the burdens others watch her bear.(apostrophe, not inverted comma)
'Cause God knew what he was doing
When He sent Lily for me and you!- Amen! (For I knew you before I placed you in your mother's womb and I chose you ...)
Such a touching poem, gram, with a deep biblical message in the concluding lines.
God bless you! :)
Love,
Sonali
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Masterwobbly and ZitheryZoo. ... aren't kids precious? This line reminded me of the "twin" language that my two kids spoke when they were little.
Snowball, her favorite cat(,)
To all those (that) she chances to meet.... suggest: ... drop 'that' - may help the beat along a bit
Or when walking (along) her neighborhood street ... suggest: drop 'along' - (ditto)
And Lily never hears the word 'COULDN'T'.... hurrah! God bless little Lily.
(')Bout the burdens others watch her bear.(apostrophe, not inverted comma)
'Cause God knew what he was doing
When He sent Lily for me and you!- Amen! (For I knew you before I placed you in your mother's womb and I chose you ...)
Such a touching poem, gram, with a deep biblical message in the concluding lines.
God bless you! :)
Love,
Sonali
Comment Written 26-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Sonali, thank you for your comments and wonderful review. Will look over and consider changes. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Charlene0513
A very wonderful poem expressing the adoration for a "special needs child," and the blessings that can occur when you are around her.
Many instances of alliteration noticed.
It takes very loving and giving parents to show a child that they mean the "world to them."
'Cause Lily [seemes](seems) a little odd.
Charlene
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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A very wonderful poem expressing the adoration for a "special needs child," and the blessings that can occur when you are around her.
Many instances of alliteration noticed.
It takes very loving and giving parents to show a child that they mean the "world to them."
'Cause Lily [seemes](seems) a little odd.
Charlene
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Charlene, thank you for your comments and review. It is greatly appreciated.
Comment from Sankey
Excellent poem. I loved it. I know there are a lot od special people out there. I am glad God brought a special person into my life back in 1985 and we have been so glad we met even today, al those years ago. God Bless lovely work
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Excellent poem. I loved it. I know there are a lot od special people out there. I am glad God brought a special person into my life back in 1985 and we have been so glad we met even today, al those years ago. God Bless lovely work
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Sankey, thank you for your comments and review. It is always special when they come into our lives.
Comment from AudreyRose
This was wonderful! I don't think I can find the words to explain how much I enjoyed that. Such strength and faith from the parents is conveyed, and pure innocence and love from the child. The details gave wonderful imagery, the rhythm was nice and steady. Absolutely beautiful job.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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This was wonderful! I don't think I can find the words to explain how much I enjoyed that. Such strength and faith from the parents is conveyed, and pure innocence and love from the child. The details gave wonderful imagery, the rhythm was nice and steady. Absolutely beautiful job.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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AudreyRose thank you so much for your wonderful comments and review. I especially thank you for the six star rating. It is greatly appreciated. Jerri
Comment from barkingdog
You have a lovely poem here about a special child. Your rhyme is perfect and tempo flows smoothly ,making this a most enjoyable poen.
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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You have a lovely poem here about a special child. Your rhyme is perfect and tempo flows smoothly ,making this a most enjoyable poen.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2013
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Barkingdog, thank you for your review and comments. It is greatly appreciated.
