The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Of Love and War"Love Among the Thorns
62 total reviews
Comment from Edward Buatois
Not my usual fare, but I really enjoyed it. It was gripping and real.
I did have a few suggestions.
Maybe it would make more sense to me if I had read the previous chapters, but to me, I think you could have easily folded the chapter "prolog" (above the asterisks) into the narrative. As it is, I found it distracting.
I love your sensuality, but I think it misfires sometimes. Some examples:
"tasting her hot breath". Breath isn't something one normally "tastes" unless it's "bad." So though I know what you were going for here my first reaction was "ew." You don't want that. Consider, "Nathan spent his last night staring down into Eva's green eyes and luxuriating in even the sweet scent of her breath." I like that line because it takes something that is usually at most neutral and often bad and says some things about both of them: That she bothered to make sure that she had good breath for her lover, and that he loves her so much down to her toes that even her breath is something that he attends to and loves.
"sniffing a red lock" -- Again, I know what you're going for here, but it's about as romantic as a block of wood. Consider, "'I'm going to miss the sweet scent of your fiery red hair,' he said, delighting in it with the pleasure of a man taking in the flowered scents of a fresh summer day."
I hope that helps... again, enjoyed it...! You have real talent!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Not my usual fare, but I really enjoyed it. It was gripping and real.
I did have a few suggestions.
Maybe it would make more sense to me if I had read the previous chapters, but to me, I think you could have easily folded the chapter "prolog" (above the asterisks) into the narrative. As it is, I found it distracting.
I love your sensuality, but I think it misfires sometimes. Some examples:
"tasting her hot breath". Breath isn't something one normally "tastes" unless it's "bad." So though I know what you were going for here my first reaction was "ew." You don't want that. Consider, "Nathan spent his last night staring down into Eva's green eyes and luxuriating in even the sweet scent of her breath." I like that line because it takes something that is usually at most neutral and often bad and says some things about both of them: That she bothered to make sure that she had good breath for her lover, and that he loves her so much down to her toes that even her breath is something that he attends to and loves.
"sniffing a red lock" -- Again, I know what you're going for here, but it's about as romantic as a block of wood. Consider, "'I'm going to miss the sweet scent of your fiery red hair,' he said, delighting in it with the pleasure of a man taking in the flowered scents of a fresh summer day."
I hope that helps... again, enjoyed it...! You have real talent!
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reviewing Edward.Thank
Comment from Millibrad
Although I am not familiar with the story, this looks like a draft to me, but one with excellent potential. I especially like the way you handle dialog and you have some standout moments in the narrative, though I think you need some work in that area. Great visuals for instance in, "The April sun burst forth its passionate warmth and settled on the new buds of spring flowers", but this is followed up by a string of short lack luster sentences. Small changes like "she followed the aromatic trail" instead of the more awkward "she followed the trail of the aroma." I'm eager to read more. Good luck.
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reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Although I am not familiar with the story, this looks like a draft to me, but one with excellent potential. I especially like the way you handle dialog and you have some standout moments in the narrative, though I think you need some work in that area. Great visuals for instance in, "The April sun burst forth its passionate warmth and settled on the new buds of spring flowers", but this is followed up by a string of short lack luster sentences. Small changes like "she followed the aromatic trail" instead of the more awkward "she followed the trail of the aroma." I'm eager to read more. Good luck.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you for reviewing Millibrad, and for suggestions. I'm going to become a fan so I'm notified when you post. I'm eager to read and review your work. God bless.
Comment from God's Writer
I have really enjoyed reading the few chapters that I have read from this book that you are writing. I love seeing the professional way you write and the pride you take in your writing.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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I have really enjoyed reading the few chapters that I have read from this book that you are writing. I love seeing the professional way you write and the pride you take in your writing.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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thank you very much.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
An excellent chapter, Amahra. The dialogue flows naturally
and you handled the love scene well, without being sordid.
old-fashioned way, (')cause - hyphen as it's short for because
she's not gettin(') in this thing - again here
Margaret
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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An excellent chapter, Amahra. The dialogue flows naturally
and you handled the love scene well, without being sordid.
old-fashioned way, (')cause - hyphen as it's short for because
she's not gettin(') in this thing - again here
Margaret
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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thank you margaret. I will make the correction.
Comment from NicciFaye
Love making scense was visualy stimulating with the words that were used and expectionally tasteful..I LOVE the phase of beads of sweet rolled off their bodies like loose pearls..beautiful.
Excellent chapter Amahra! Well written and keep my attention the whole way.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Love making scense was visualy stimulating with the words that were used and expectionally tasteful..I LOVE the phase of beads of sweet rolled off their bodies like loose pearls..beautiful.
Excellent chapter Amahra! Well written and keep my attention the whole way.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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thank you niccifaye. glad you liked it.
Comment from adewpearl
"What are you doing," he asked - What are you doing?
A compelling lovemaking scene, both in its physical description and in the way you discuss what they are both thinking and feeling
excellent, natural-sounding dialogue throughout
I like the poignant closing
Brooke :-)
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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"What are you doing," he asked - What are you doing?
A compelling lovemaking scene, both in its physical description and in the way you discuss what they are both thinking and feeling
excellent, natural-sounding dialogue throughout
I like the poignant closing
Brooke :-)
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you Brooke. I'll fix that right away. I'm glad you like those scenes.
Comment from kiwijenny
War brings about raw emotions... I like the description of the new automobile.......I like the lock of red hair given...this has an American Downton Abbey feel........it was a chaotic churning upside down time in history
God bless
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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War brings about raw emotions... I like the description of the new automobile.......I like the lock of red hair given...this has an American Downton Abbey feel........it was a chaotic churning upside down time in history
God bless
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Downtown abbey? I've heard of that but don't know what's it about.
anyway, thank you.
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It is set in the 1900's starting with the Titanic...world war 1 and beyond...it's worth checking out
Comment from Dean Kuch
So, Nate's off to war, leaving a bereaved Eva behind. I know what that feels like having been in military service myself. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My first son was six months removed form being born, and I was in Guam, unable to come home to be there with my first wife during his birth. I never missed another one after that!
Eve sure sent Nathan off with a fond memory. The night they sent prior to his departure was pretty steamy!
I found it rather interesting that old Pete's white gloved hand elicited the most emotion out of Nate. But it's obvious that the two are very fond of each other, show a mutual admiration and respect.
Most excellent story, amahra. Hopefully, Nathan can return form the war in one piece. Many men didn't...
1917 King Model EE
__________________
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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So, Nate's off to war, leaving a bereaved Eva behind. I know what that feels like having been in military service myself. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. My first son was six months removed form being born, and I was in Guam, unable to come home to be there with my first wife during his birth. I never missed another one after that!
Eve sure sent Nathan off with a fond memory. The night they sent prior to his departure was pretty steamy!
I found it rather interesting that old Pete's white gloved hand elicited the most emotion out of Nate. But it's obvious that the two are very fond of each other, show a mutual admiration and respect.
Most excellent story, amahra. Hopefully, Nathan can return form the war in one piece. Many men didn't...
1917 King Model EE
__________________
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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LOL that's how it looked driven in 1930. thanks Dean for your kind review.
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:) It's always my pleasure...
Comment from Norbanus
This is an excellent job of driving the story forward through dialogue. The scenesw are well illuminated. One can almost hear the chuff of the train engines. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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This is an excellent job of driving the story forward through dialogue. The scenesw are well illuminated. One can almost hear the chuff of the train engines. Nicely done.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you.
Comment from Antonin70
It is always difficult to write a thoroughly objective review about a posting which is only a very small part of a whole work. However, this is a sufficiently self-contained scene to make some comments possible. Firstly the dialogue is excellent and convincing, especially between the main character and his lover on the eve of his departure. The sense of possible loss and wasted years is conveyed totally in the lines
"I've loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you, seven years ago," she said.
"I know. I don't know what took me so long."
If the whole book measures up to this standard I shall enjoy reading it. Anton.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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It is always difficult to write a thoroughly objective review about a posting which is only a very small part of a whole work. However, this is a sufficiently self-contained scene to make some comments possible. Firstly the dialogue is excellent and convincing, especially between the main character and his lover on the eve of his departure. The sense of possible loss and wasted years is conveyed totally in the lines
"I've loved you ever since I first laid eyes on you, seven years ago," she said.
"I know. I don't know what took me so long."
If the whole book measures up to this standard I shall enjoy reading it. Anton.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2013
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Thank you so much Anton. I'm so honored that you enjoyed it.
