Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 40 "Kuta Moon, Part II"Murder Mystery
43 total reviews
Comment from WR25--Gregory Dupree
A story of evil and a possessed soul on an Indian reservation. I take it that the reason Eddie agreed to become possessed is to have Matthew returned to him. I guess I'll to read more to understand it all. Tenth paragraph from bottom: shouldn't it be, He scanned the path that led deeper into the woods until... Just an observation.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
  |
A story of evil and a possessed soul on an Indian reservation. I take it that the reason Eddie agreed to become possessed is to have Matthew returned to him. I guess I'll to read more to understand it all. Tenth paragraph from bottom: shouldn't it be, He scanned the path that led deeper into the woods until... Just an observation.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
-
Hi! Thanks much for taking time to read. And you are absolutely correct in your supposition. I appreciate the suggestions and will check out that section pronto! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
I just want to keep reading and put this all together.
Eddie is really a creepy character. Quite possessed, I take it?
This is our first real look at him. Just enough to be intriguing, not enough to understand him. That's good.
It's unnerving to have him hanging around undetectable. Not even the dog can sense him?
I'm wondering now, how they catch him.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
 |
I just want to keep reading and put this all together.
Eddie is really a creepy character. Quite possessed, I take it?
This is our first real look at him. Just enough to be intriguing, not enough to understand him. That's good.
It's unnerving to have him hanging around undetectable. Not even the dog can sense him?
I'm wondering now, how they catch him.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
-
Ellen, thank you so much for this really generous review. Your encouragement and support mean a great deal. Yes, Eddie's possessed but still human and capable of making a mistake. Hope you're feeling better? Hugs, Bev
-
So, so. Thank you for asking. :) e
Comment from Righteous Riter
The writer does a good job of drawing the reader into this chapter. This chapter is well balanced as the transition between the events is good. The pace is consistent as the writer does a good job of ending this chapter and setting up for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
|
The writer does a good job of drawing the reader into this chapter. This chapter is well balanced as the transition between the events is good. The pace is consistent as the writer does a good job of ending this chapter and setting up for the next chapter.
Comment Written 15-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
-
Thank you so much, RR. I appreciate your fine review and generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Wonderful imagery. A bank of cumulus clouds released an imprisoned sun, and Ty turned his face upwards allowing it to burn away all the extraneous details of the day.
Boy this is really getting spooky. Your intro helped with the introduction of Eddie in the woods but there is one sentence that threw me. could just be me:
Matthew, h... how is it pos... sible? Is this a reference to Ty?
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
|
Wonderful imagery. A bank of cumulus clouds released an imprisoned sun, and Ty turned his face upwards allowing it to burn away all the extraneous details of the day.
Boy this is really getting spooky. Your intro helped with the introduction of Eddie in the woods but there is one sentence that threw me. could just be me:
Matthew, h... how is it pos... sible? Is this a reference to Ty?
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
-
Hi, Dallas. I'm glad you mentioned that section. I tried to help the reader understand by referring to Matthew in the prior chapter re-cap. Ty is a nephew of the dead Matthew and dead-ringer for him. That section IS a bit tricky... when I edit I will make that more clear in the book.
Thanks so much for your continued support and interest, Dallas. I'm honored.
Warmest regards, Bev
-
That was what I thought, just wasn't quite sure.
-
:0)
Comment from JW
This was an interesting chapter. In reading it and your author notes, I was not aware before that unclean spirits left a scent.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
|
This was an interesting chapter. In reading it and your author notes, I was not aware before that unclean spirits left a scent.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2013
-
Hi, Jonathon. Usually the smell is only something they can detect or someone with the spiritual ability to discern that. During an excorcism, things can get much worse.
Thanks for the great review. Really appreciate it.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from jjstar
This was not only a fascinating chapter, but in the middle of of 70 degree day, it gave me goosebumps. The description of the watcher, the smell combined with the grief, foam and vomit soaking the earth was just incredible. EXCELLENT CHAPTER!
*********************************************************
A bank of cumulus clouds released an imprisoned sun, and Ty turned his face upwards allowing it to burn away all the extraneous details of the day.====love love this!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
|
This was not only a fascinating chapter, but in the middle of of 70 degree day, it gave me goosebumps. The description of the watcher, the smell combined with the grief, foam and vomit soaking the earth was just incredible. EXCELLENT CHAPTER!
*********************************************************
A bank of cumulus clouds released an imprisoned sun, and Ty turned his face upwards allowing it to burn away all the extraneous details of the day.====love love this!
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
-
Hiya, JJ. Thanks so very much for this really encouraging and generous review. It's always great to know that you've enjoyed the chapter. I place a lot of value on your opinion, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Darkhorse555
reading this piece with a snake to begin with clouds reclaim the sun this stood out this piece glowed like the fireflies I enjoyed the read
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
|
reading this piece with a snake to begin with clouds reclaim the sun this stood out this piece glowed like the fireflies I enjoyed the read
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
-
Thank you so much for this generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Eigle Rull
Wow! This story is getting better and better every time I read it. Very good dialog here. The storyline is fantastic. I found no errors, and the picture is great. It held my attention just like the other parts of this story that I read. Very good my friend.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
|
Wow! This story is getting better and better every time I read it. Very good dialog here. The storyline is fantastic. I found no errors, and the picture is great. It held my attention just like the other parts of this story that I read. Very good my friend.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
-
Hi, Eigle Rull. Thank you much for this wonderful review. I really appreciate you taking time out to read and send along your words of encouragement. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Bev, I noticed this morning that this was on the front page and had intended to read it before now. Sorry I was so long in getting around to it. Your descriptions are always good and put the reader right in the story with your characters.
Lois
The Watcher's heart (banged) violently (banged) against his skin.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
|
Hi Bev, I noticed this morning that this was on the front page and had intended to read it before now. Sorry I was so long in getting around to it. Your descriptions are always good and put the reader right in the story with your characters.
Lois
The Watcher's heart (banged) violently (banged) against his skin.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
-
Hi, Lois. Thanks for the generous and supportive review. I will correct the spag pronto! Much appreciated... Bev
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Some suggestions:
1) Consider:" On his way up the slope to his patrol car, he skirted the perimeter of the crime scene."
2)Sentence too long. Consider having more impact:
"A bank of clouds released an imprisoned sun. Ty turned his face upwards. As he did so, all the extraneous details of the day burned away."
3)"...vacillating..." Consider including the sound. For ex: "...snapping like gunshots in the wind."
4)Stay focused: "He snapped alert...findings in the woods."
"At the sound of screeching gulls,he became alert. He watched without seeing, puzzling over his findings in the woods."
5)Avoid adverbs. For ex: "He carefully rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. A cold feeling spread up his arms. He no longer doubted an angry spirit, whether nature or otherwise, was stirring."
Consider: "After rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. Whether natural or otherwise, an angry spirit began stirring. A cold feeling spread up his arms."
5)"and entered (climbed back into) his vehicle."
6)"...rulership.." Try 'guardianship'
7)Consider: "He knew without a doubt that they could..."
8)Two 'ed's' in a row. Consider: "...blended..."
9)Awkward phrasing: For ex: "...he feared, more, their detection of his alter ego.
Consider: "..even more so, he feared the detection of..."
10)"The Watcher dropped his eyes before the beauty that seared him like a red-hot brand."
Consider: "The beauty seared the Watcher like a red-hot brand. He dropped(lowered) his eyes"
11)Too many 'the's'. For ex:
"The door of the house opened. The hound, Wasu, hurried to Ty's side. The light..."
12)KISS...Keep it simple stu..Consider: "Foam and vomit spewed forth."
13) Consider: "He never ventured among humans without first applying a liberal dose of cologne."
14)Omit 'Tony'. For ex: "... to Buday's porch.."
15)Consider: "... caught (on) by the camera..."
The piece has good bones but could be a lot smoother with fewer unnecessary asides.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
 |
Some suggestions:
1) Consider:" On his way up the slope to his patrol car, he skirted the perimeter of the crime scene."
2)Sentence too long. Consider having more impact:
"A bank of clouds released an imprisoned sun. Ty turned his face upwards. As he did so, all the extraneous details of the day burned away."
3)"...vacillating..." Consider including the sound. For ex: "...snapping like gunshots in the wind."
4)Stay focused: "He snapped alert...findings in the woods."
"At the sound of screeching gulls,he became alert. He watched without seeing, puzzling over his findings in the woods."
5)Avoid adverbs. For ex: "He carefully rubbed his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. A cold feeling spread up his arms. He no longer doubted an angry spirit, whether nature or otherwise, was stirring."
Consider: "After rubbing his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. Whether natural or otherwise, an angry spirit began stirring. A cold feeling spread up his arms."
5)"and entered (climbed back into) his vehicle."
6)"...rulership.." Try 'guardianship'
7)Consider: "He knew without a doubt that they could..."
8)Two 'ed's' in a row. Consider: "...blended..."
9)Awkward phrasing: For ex: "...he feared, more, their detection of his alter ego.
Consider: "..even more so, he feared the detection of..."
10)"The Watcher dropped his eyes before the beauty that seared him like a red-hot brand."
Consider: "The beauty seared the Watcher like a red-hot brand. He dropped(lowered) his eyes"
11)Too many 'the's'. For ex:
"The door of the house opened. The hound, Wasu, hurried to Ty's side. The light..."
12)KISS...Keep it simple stu..Consider: "Foam and vomit spewed forth."
13) Consider: "He never ventured among humans without first applying a liberal dose of cologne."
14)Omit 'Tony'. For ex: "... to Buday's porch.."
15)Consider: "... caught (on) by the camera..."
The piece has good bones but could be a lot smoother with fewer unnecessary asides.
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2013
-
Thank you for your review and suggestions, Stephen.
