Pieces of the sky
You know how the sky is brokenly blue prior to a storm?4 total reviews
Comment from twowheels
lovely unique imagery, inspiring some time for thought. Perhaps bring in some more imagery with a syllable in the middle line,describing the blue china or something? Grammar isn't applied in a 5-7-5, so the word "are" is unnecessary. Also, the first line should have 5 syllables, is it a typo? it should be "pieces"
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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lovely unique imagery, inspiring some time for thought. Perhaps bring in some more imagery with a syllable in the middle line,describing the blue china or something? Grammar isn't applied in a 5-7-5, so the word "are" is unnecessary. Also, the first line should have 5 syllables, is it a typo? it should be "pieces"
Comment Written 01-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Yes! I'm mortified, but it was a typo. Can you change it still? I'm really new to all this, and appreciate your feedback a lot. thanks.
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yes, if you go to the actual poem in your portfolio, there is a little button option that says Edit, and you can change it anytime. The only thing they frown on is if you change the poem, and post it all over again as a new one.
Comment from Dean Kuch
This was quite...brief. But it was definitely lyrical, created great visual imagery. This would certainly be a contest winner for sure!
Nicely done.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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This was quite...brief. But it was definitely lyrical, created great visual imagery. This would certainly be a contest winner for sure!
Nicely done.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Thank you :) i'm really new to this site, and appreciate feedback!
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:)
Still recommend not using caps since haiku does not and this is a similar form.
First review (FOUR stars)
I like this. It's unique and creative an paints a vivid picture. Poetic imagery delivered in three short lines, true to form for this contest's criteria. I recommend not capping all lines, but that is a matter of taste and style.
the reason for the four stars is a glaring grammatical error, which shows up more strongly with a three lined poem.
Piece needs to be plural, especially since the verb is ARE (plural).
With above suggestions:
Pieces of the sky
are broken Chinese teacups
for the rain to mend.
Happy to upgrade the rating if you fix the spag.
Best wishes,
rd
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Second review
:)
Still recommend not using caps since haiku does not and this is a similar form.
First review (FOUR stars)
I like this. It's unique and creative an paints a vivid picture. Poetic imagery delivered in three short lines, true to form for this contest's criteria. I recommend not capping all lines, but that is a matter of taste and style.
the reason for the four stars is a glaring grammatical error, which shows up more strongly with a three lined poem.
Piece needs to be plural, especially since the verb is ARE (plural).
With above suggestions:
Pieces of the sky
are broken Chinese teacups
for the rain to mend.
Happy to upgrade the rating if you fix the spag.
Best wishes,
rd
Comment Written 01-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Thank you very much - yes, I certainly DID mean to say PIECES. Can't believe I didn't (even have it written on paper here next to me) and I also don't really like capping the first letter of each line... I wasn't sure if you HAD to or not. S
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I made a second review. FYI...capping first letters is taboo in Haiku, so I recommend removing that here as well. :)
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
That is a nice little thought you have in this poem, my friend. It was my pleasure to read this today, and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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That is a nice little thought you have in this poem, my friend. It was my pleasure to read this today, and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Thank you for this! I'm glad it was a pleasure
