Burglar Bill Gets More Than A Thrill
The dangers of greed- a short zoological oddity.10 total reviews
Comment from Betty Bleen
I was intrigued by the title and started reading and got absorbed into the story. Your descriptions of the bees was very good. My husband is a beekeeper and I've seen those masses of bees when he opens the hive to check on the bees. They are quite intimidating. I like how they heal but also can steal health. Good story.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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I was intrigued by the title and started reading and got absorbed into the story. Your descriptions of the bees was very good. My husband is a beekeeper and I've seen those masses of bees when he opens the hive to check on the bees. They are quite intimidating. I like how they heal but also can steal health. Good story.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing I'm glad you liked it. I would love to keep bees. They are such amazing animals and people these days don't appreciate how important they are to us. Thanks again.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Macsween, I must say, this is one of the longest stories that I have read as yet on FanStory. However, it is also one of the best stories I've read. Despite the length, the plot and story-line was very well done. I loved the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory reference with the Veruca Sault daughter character. The narrator, Bill the thief, was an interesting one too. The story held my interest, and it had several different elements of various genres interspersed throughout the piece. Horror, as Bill realized the bees were sapping his life rather that enhancing it. Sci-Fi, the miraculous, almost alien-like healing of the infirmed people. Adventure, with the Mission Impossible type master plan old Bill though he had so well conceived. All, great stuff.
It is my custom, after learning of the contestants with whom I have competed against, to read at least one of their works, if not more. Sometimes, I'm quite disappointed. But not this time. This time was fun!
Thanks for pouring your heart and soul into this one. It really shines!
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Macsween, I must say, this is one of the longest stories that I have read as yet on FanStory. However, it is also one of the best stories I've read. Despite the length, the plot and story-line was very well done. I loved the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory reference with the Veruca Sault daughter character. The narrator, Bill the thief, was an interesting one too. The story held my interest, and it had several different elements of various genres interspersed throughout the piece. Horror, as Bill realized the bees were sapping his life rather that enhancing it. Sci-Fi, the miraculous, almost alien-like healing of the infirmed people. Adventure, with the Mission Impossible type master plan old Bill though he had so well conceived. All, great stuff.
It is my custom, after learning of the contestants with whom I have competed against, to read at least one of their works, if not more. Sometimes, I'm quite disappointed. But not this time. This time was fun!
Thanks for pouring your heart and soul into this one. It really shines!
Comment Written 02-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2013
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read. I was very worried that at over 4000 words it was too long, that people would get bored but I stuck with the length because to cut something out would have affected the flow of the story. I'm very glad you liked it and thank you for persevering with it. Thanks.
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If it's a well written, acutely articulate piece, I don't see why people will object to reading it. It was better than most of the trite trash I've read today, and those were book I'd purchased!
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Thanks. I really appreciate your kind words.
Comment from Quillian
This was a good story. I liked Bill, the greedy scamp! The lines about his pounding heart and wobbly legs and him loving that feeling were really good and made him alive for me. I thought the conversation between Bill and his client was nicely done, also. Couple of spelling problems..what it saw that day..should that be I saw that day?
And lion instead of loin? Nice job, and your singing bees who heal and punish are a creative twist to the supernatural beastie genre.....
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2013
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This was a good story. I liked Bill, the greedy scamp! The lines about his pounding heart and wobbly legs and him loving that feeling were really good and made him alive for me. I thought the conversation between Bill and his client was nicely done, also. Couple of spelling problems..what it saw that day..should that be I saw that day?
And lion instead of loin? Nice job, and your singing bees who heal and punish are a creative twist to the supernatural beastie genre.....
Comment Written 01-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2013
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Thanks for reading and reviewing and for pointing out some typo's. No matter how many times I check some get through. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from c_lucas
A very interesting-Twilight-Zone post. The mechanism that healed the sick, impoverish the thief. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Error:
I had never heard off (of) were all on show
reply by the author on 31-May-2013
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A very interesting-Twilight-Zone post. The mechanism that healed the sick, impoverish the thief. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words.
Error:
I had never heard off (of) were all on show
Comment Written 31-May-2013
reply by the author on 31-May-2013
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Thank you for reading and reviewing and for your complementary comments. Thanks.
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You're welcome, Macsween, Charlie
Comment from Sanku
That was a great story, thrilling as well as entertaining with a bit of fantasy/science fiction thrown in. Singing bees curing sick people.and burglar bill got greedy and got more than a thrill.a good moral also .
reply by the author on 30-May-2013
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That was a great story, thrilling as well as entertaining with a bit of fantasy/science fiction thrown in. Singing bees curing sick people.and burglar bill got greedy and got more than a thrill.a good moral also .
Comment Written 30-May-2013
reply by the author on 30-May-2013
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Thank you for the great review, I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Peppy1105
GREAT! I especially liked the gripping start that made it easy to continue reading. If a story has a catchy start, readers have more incentive to continue reading. It caught my attention:)
reply by the author on 29-May-2013
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GREAT! I especially liked the gripping start that made it easy to continue reading. If a story has a catchy start, readers have more incentive to continue reading. It caught my attention:)
Comment Written 28-May-2013
reply by the author on 29-May-2013
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review it. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks.
Comment from Jean C Chimfwembe
This is a very exciting story and has a lesson to teach. I liked the paragraph where the bees were singing and healing the people. In real life animals do help with regard to healing- it is a mystery. The characters seem real.
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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This is a very exciting story and has a lesson to teach. I liked the paragraph where the bees were singing and healing the people. In real life animals do help with regard to healing- it is a mystery. The characters seem real.
Comment Written 28-May-2013
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I'm glad you liked it. Thanks.
Comment from shalu bhati
Well, this was amazing. It was interesting and engrossing. The theme of the story is wonderful. I was able to visualise the story. It was just awesome.
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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Well, this was amazing. It was interesting and engrossing. The theme of the story is wonderful. I was able to visualise the story. It was just awesome.
Comment Written 28-May-2013
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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Thank you. I really appreciate you taking time to read and review. Your comments are very kind and flattering. Thank you.
Comment from Sam Mendonca
A great written story with loads of expressive wording and description of what the main character went through.
I enjoyed reading it very much. :D
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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A great written story with loads of expressive wording and description of what the main character went through.
I enjoyed reading it very much. :D
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 27-May-2013
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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Thanks for tasking the time to read and review, I really appreciate it. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Flamingbush
Oh wow, Burglar Bill got more than a thrill! I had to laugh as you concluded this. Those bees sure were smart. This was a thrilling read. I followed Bill every step of the way. Singing bees. Who'd have thought?
I did find a few misspellings and such that you might want to check before you get marked off for them. (Bzzz, bzzz). I don't know that I caught them all, but here are some (corrections in parentheses):
but a jobs (job's) a job
"Alright(,) calm down, why me?"
He moved(,) causing the leather on his chair to creak, (replace comma with period) the (The) noise sounded rude.
"Because(,) my sticky fingered (sticky-fingered) friend, I hear you're the best burglar in town."
I had long ceased the need for cash (sounds awkward; you might try: I had long ceased needing cash)
"Okay(,) then forty. That's my final offer."
I awoke early... whilst reading about the tortoise's (tortoises) on my laptop.
Animal sounds... all mixed in with excited children's laughter and parents (parents') chatter.
The cold(,) air conditioned (air-conditioned) air inside the reptile house was a welcome relief...
I muttered, still light headed (light-headed).
Being a burglar(,) I could spot weaknesses in the fortifications.
When I got passed (past) the third enclosure, providing the mesh held my weight(,) I could climb...
The wall wasn't too high and(,) using a nearby tree(,) I managed to get over it...
A roar, a lions (lion's) roar... to hit my nostrils, too (to) feel the claws and teeth...
With no time to wait(,) I speeded (sped) up...
Scurrying like a monkey(,) I made good progress...
I ran to a shadow and hit, trying to control my breathing(,) hoping...
A crowd of people came passed (past) me, about a dozen(,) and they were all talking in hushed tones...
The group were (was) heading down a path... Fearing that I would get caught(,) I took off my balaclava...
I hoped that (I) wouldn't be recognized...
The cage was still there(,) as was the tarpaulin. ... The flowers were still there(,) as was the delicious scent(,) and I watched...
I stood there in silence with the rest of them(,) forgetting about the burglary... (Note: the comma is very important here; otherwise it sounds as if the people themselves have forgotten about the burglary)
The burns on a ladies (lady's) face had disappeared...
This is a really good story about crime and punishment. And what a fitting punishment your character got. Sad, but hey, I'll bet his stealing days are over.
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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Oh wow, Burglar Bill got more than a thrill! I had to laugh as you concluded this. Those bees sure were smart. This was a thrilling read. I followed Bill every step of the way. Singing bees. Who'd have thought?
I did find a few misspellings and such that you might want to check before you get marked off for them. (Bzzz, bzzz). I don't know that I caught them all, but here are some (corrections in parentheses):
but a jobs (job's) a job
"Alright(,) calm down, why me?"
He moved(,) causing the leather on his chair to creak, (replace comma with period) the (The) noise sounded rude.
"Because(,) my sticky fingered (sticky-fingered) friend, I hear you're the best burglar in town."
I had long ceased the need for cash (sounds awkward; you might try: I had long ceased needing cash)
"Okay(,) then forty. That's my final offer."
I awoke early... whilst reading about the tortoise's (tortoises) on my laptop.
Animal sounds... all mixed in with excited children's laughter and parents (parents') chatter.
The cold(,) air conditioned (air-conditioned) air inside the reptile house was a welcome relief...
I muttered, still light headed (light-headed).
Being a burglar(,) I could spot weaknesses in the fortifications.
When I got passed (past) the third enclosure, providing the mesh held my weight(,) I could climb...
The wall wasn't too high and(,) using a nearby tree(,) I managed to get over it...
A roar, a lions (lion's) roar... to hit my nostrils, too (to) feel the claws and teeth...
With no time to wait(,) I speeded (sped) up...
Scurrying like a monkey(,) I made good progress...
I ran to a shadow and hit, trying to control my breathing(,) hoping...
A crowd of people came passed (past) me, about a dozen(,) and they were all talking in hushed tones...
The group were (was) heading down a path... Fearing that I would get caught(,) I took off my balaclava...
I hoped that (I) wouldn't be recognized...
The cage was still there(,) as was the tarpaulin. ... The flowers were still there(,) as was the delicious scent(,) and I watched...
I stood there in silence with the rest of them(,) forgetting about the burglary... (Note: the comma is very important here; otherwise it sounds as if the people themselves have forgotten about the burglary)
The burns on a ladies (lady's) face had disappeared...
This is a really good story about crime and punishment. And what a fitting punishment your character got. Sad, but hey, I'll bet his stealing days are over.
Comment Written 27-May-2013
reply by the author on 28-May-2013
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Thank you very much for the review and in depth spag check. I thought I had them all, but obviously some got through. I'm glad you liked it and thanks for reading.
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You're very welcome. This was great work. I hope it does well.
