The Animal Doctor
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Apprentice"Love Among the Thorns
43 total reviews
Comment from ann marie mazz
good morning amahra
what a winning combination
romance and the love of horses
I adore horses
the theme of love is timeless
I was sad however of the happenings and burial
your words are clear
and how grand
the 1800's/1900's with the horse and carriage
gotta love that
you also left the entry and reader on a very nice note
truly
thank you for sharing your writing talent
this was a pleasure to read
ann marie
w e l l
d o n e
a n d
e x p r e s s e d
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014
  |
good morning amahra
what a winning combination
romance and the love of horses
I adore horses
the theme of love is timeless
I was sad however of the happenings and burial
your words are clear
and how grand
the 1800's/1900's with the horse and carriage
gotta love that
you also left the entry and reader on a very nice note
truly
thank you for sharing your writing talent
this was a pleasure to read
ann marie
w e l l
d o n e
a n d
e x p r e s s e d
Comment Written 26-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 26-Sep-2014
-
Thank you, again ann. So nice that you went back to the first chapter.
Comment from Jean Lutz
An excellent start -- right social circles, healer of animals, eye candy for women and burning lust. This is going to be an explosive story.
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
|
An excellent start -- right social circles, healer of animals, eye candy for women and burning lust. This is going to be an explosive story.
Comment Written 11-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 11-Aug-2013
-
thank you jean. glad you liked the first chapter.
-
Thank you Jean.
Comment from irishauthorme
Lively, fast moving story. I cannot insert an 'em' hyphen from my computer, and was impressed with your use of the ellipsis. Your narrative was smooth and your main and supporting characters real. The scene with Nathan administering to the dying horse was exceptionally well done.
I am not a grammar expert by any means, saw only two errors;
"Nathan received warm greetings from the Koren family and(was)shown his living quarters."
"I kept you(your)breakfast warm."
Look forward to your next chapter.
irish
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
|
Lively, fast moving story. I cannot insert an 'em' hyphen from my computer, and was impressed with your use of the ellipsis. Your narrative was smooth and your main and supporting characters real. The scene with Nathan administering to the dying horse was exceptionally well done.
I am not a grammar expert by any means, saw only two errors;
"Nathan received warm greetings from the Koren family and(was)shown his living quarters."
"I kept you(your)breakfast warm."
Look forward to your next chapter.
irish
Comment Written 08-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2013
-
Thank you Irishauthorme for this fine review. I'm glad you liked the first chapter. Hope you enjoy others you might read. Oh, and thank you for the corrections. It's not posted so it will take me a while to edit.
-
Thank you very much for reading.
Comment from justmarly
I am sorry I read the 3nd chapter before the first. You are such a wonderful writer. You know what you are talking about and you keep the story real and going. Wish so many times I could write this well. I plan to put chapters up after I go over them one day hopefully soon. I will get to chapter 2 soon. Best of luck Marly
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
|
I am sorry I read the 3nd chapter before the first. You are such a wonderful writer. You know what you are talking about and you keep the story real and going. Wish so many times I could write this well. I plan to put chapters up after I go over them one day hopefully soon. I will get to chapter 2 soon. Best of luck Marly
Comment Written 08-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2013
-
Oh, thank you Marly. You honor me. I didn't get this way overnight. They hammer me on here. LOL Some people on here are mean, but some really are helpful.
Comment from visionary1234
First of all, amahra, can I say that's the JAZZIEST profile pic I've EVER seen!!! oh yeah!
ok - now for Nathan's story: a couple of spaggy things, minor stuff:
Catching the(delete 'the') sight of the ranch as the coach came
You also have a habit of starting a sentence and joining it to another sentence by using 'then' - but the 'join' doesn't work. eg:
The two men talked until nine then all retired for the night. I think you mean "until" they all retired for the night. You do this 2 or 3 times, so do catch that one.
For me: there's NO emotional connection made with Nathan and if this is your first chapter, there NEEDS to be!! We need to fall in love with him. At the moment, he comes across as a bit pompous. We also need to vibe with his heart. You don't give him ANY heart! His treatment of Naomi (who has supposedly waited around for years while he did his vet training???) isn't at all believable. This is the MAIN THING YOU NEED TO WORK ON, ok? Unless you reach out and grab us emotionally in this first chapter, we're not going to want to read more.
You give too much 'reportage' - so you're "telling" us a lot of stuff. The old adage 'show' don't tell, still holds true. SHOW it in dialogue and make it immediate. Don't "tell" us all his past history, especially in Chapter 1. WE MUST LIKE THIS CHARACTER!!!!
Hope that helps!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
 |
First of all, amahra, can I say that's the JAZZIEST profile pic I've EVER seen!!! oh yeah!
ok - now for Nathan's story: a couple of spaggy things, minor stuff:
Catching the(delete 'the') sight of the ranch as the coach came
You also have a habit of starting a sentence and joining it to another sentence by using 'then' - but the 'join' doesn't work. eg:
The two men talked until nine then all retired for the night. I think you mean "until" they all retired for the night. You do this 2 or 3 times, so do catch that one.
For me: there's NO emotional connection made with Nathan and if this is your first chapter, there NEEDS to be!! We need to fall in love with him. At the moment, he comes across as a bit pompous. We also need to vibe with his heart. You don't give him ANY heart! His treatment of Naomi (who has supposedly waited around for years while he did his vet training???) isn't at all believable. This is the MAIN THING YOU NEED TO WORK ON, ok? Unless you reach out and grab us emotionally in this first chapter, we're not going to want to read more.
You give too much 'reportage' - so you're "telling" us a lot of stuff. The old adage 'show' don't tell, still holds true. SHOW it in dialogue and make it immediate. Don't "tell" us all his past history, especially in Chapter 1. WE MUST LIKE THIS CHARACTER!!!!
Hope that helps!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Thank you for catching spags and for your suggestions. Nathan can be a real jerk sometimes.
However, I'm having a problem with some of my reviewers who don't like the story saying, "we have to like, and We have to care, and We can't make the connections." You may be right, and the other 30 or so reviewers can be wrong...that's fine. I'll still take your advice; but say "You." Because it's confusing when I'm getting positive feedback from so many who are making the connection and are captured by the story. Not those who just want the reviewing dollars but from those I've grown to trust. I can except it better if you say "You" are not connecting and "You" are not sold on the story. And gain, that will not mean that you're wrong. But it just won't be confusing for me when someone I've grown to trust say they do connect and they do feel something for the character. How am I suppose write better if two reviewers, such as yourself, whom I respect are giving opposing reviews?
-
I apologize, Amahra - from now on I'll say "I". When I say "we" I'm referring to "the readers" and it's not meant to sound presumptuous, ok? If people are connecting with this, then that's great. Go and read the kind of stuff they're writing, so you can see their background and their standards, ok? All reviews, you take with a grain of salt and if something feels true to you, stick with it. Remember, they're advisory, ONLY. But trust reviewers who write what you're trying to write. I saw you got a review from JJStar - a good, solid review from an experienced novel writer, yes? She gave you a '4'. That should tell you something that not all fluffy fives are to be trusted. Everyone's here, hopefully, to learn, yes????? Myself included - I've learned SOOOO much from this site - and I once had a reviewer give me a '4' for two commas out of place!!! But absolutely, I'll refer to me, "I" only because I don't want you to feel ganged up on and I can understand how you could interpret it that way, ok?
:)S
-
I'm not one to ague with reviewers even if I get a 3 star or even a 2 star. I am always gracious and say, Thank for reviewing. But if I complain, you better know its a legit. I just looked at your girl JJstar and I did not agree with her, but I said thank you. Now you are agreeing with her and want me to respect her rating.
I just visited her resent post "Tired of Waiting for the Bus" after you pumped her up to be one of the great ones on here and saw your review of her many many spags and she gets a 5 star rating from you. The last time you gave me a four, I told you I deserved it and I did and I corrected it. But I see you give your favorite writers, breaks.
-
no no no!! I was saying that JJ is a writer of prose! And she had the emotional life of her characters believable. I did NOT pump her up to be one of the "great ones". Did I go in and re-review after you re-worked your last one? Honestly, I don't have to review you dear - if you'd prefer that I NOT, I'm happy to do that, ok? Just say the word. Honestly I remember my own experience when rama devi gaves me fours galore - but I always saw her point and my work improved because of it. Not a big deal for me either way, honestly. Say the word and we won't review each other's work - no 'mute' etc necessary. Ok??? And if you'd like me to give you a '5' if that's what you need, happy to gift it to you.
-
amahra, I also reviewed two other pieces before yours - please see those reviews - Carol Rosa's piece and Chasenov's - both on the featured page. Read Avril Borthiry if you want to read a fine writer of prose - she writes romantic fiction, too! Curly Girly has a good one going too. Look at their use of dialogue, ok?
:) S
-
If you think I'm that upset about low rating, then why did you compliment me when I accepted you low rating and made the improvements. I don't write for star, I write to improve. I accepted you last low rating and will accept them in the future, I'm not angry with you at all. Writers are told to accept low rating review graciously, but reviewers need not to take it personally if all of their critic and I do mean all, because I've already made a note of some of you're suggestions, just not all, is not accepted. I have been known to disagree with a reviewer, only to take their advice before having my work ready for publishing.
reviewers need to calm down and accept some or all of their advice refused. And, of course, that's exactly what I did with jj. If you look over all of my replies, you will see I have just as gracious with low rates as I am with high ones. Your opinion of me as some baby crying over a 4 star is not fair to me. All I ask is to be understood.
-
Ok, I'll check them out.
Thank you.
-
That's not how it came across amahra - so I guess we BOTH need to be clearer, hmm?
-
You win. I'm making changes. LOL Don't give up on me.
-
Amahra, you are one of the gutsiest people on the site and there's no WAY I would give up on you - and v.v. please! Big hugs - I SOOO want that fabulous outfit in your profile pic! Big hugs - are we forgiven???
Comment from lolly123123
Wow, I finished reading this story, and I wanted more of it. Thanks for a great read, I especially liked the moving bit about the funeral. It was so good, when will the next installment be.
Brilliant, if i could have given it more stars I would have done.
************
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
 |
Wow, I finished reading this story, and I wanted more of it. Thanks for a great read, I especially liked the moving bit about the funeral. It was so good, when will the next installment be.
Brilliant, if i could have given it more stars I would have done.
************
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Thank you so much for the supper stars. I'm writing the second chapter as we speak.
Comment from Righteous Riter
The transition between the events are smooth as the writer doesn't just jump from here to there. The writer takes the reader where the reader needs to go with a pace that is steady and consistent. The authors notes are very useful as they bring clarity to the writers intentions. Nice work.
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
|
The transition between the events are smooth as the writer doesn't just jump from here to there. The writer takes the reader where the reader needs to go with a pace that is steady and consistent. The authors notes are very useful as they bring clarity to the writers intentions. Nice work.
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Thank you so much for stopping by and reading. I really do appreciate it my dear.
Comment from jjstar
Sounds like this has wonderful potential. You've done an excellent job setting the scene and mood, introducing the characters, and giving us some insight into the personalities of the couple who your mc is staying with. I kept waiting to feel an emotional connection with Nathan though. It seems like the only tiny glimpse we get into his emotions is when he says something about his sister and then the horse. The breaking of his engagement would have been a perfect time to allow your audience to make that connection . . . really pour it on. You should really consider going back and writing in some moments for us, because that is how you keep readers chomping at the bit to read more. As it stands now, I don't feel one way or another about Nathan. But I'll keep reading.
***********************************************************
Suggestion/Comments
A little confused by even his six foot-one had to look up??? A little unclear..
Coming to a new town was a bit unsettling, and he was nervous about meeting the incomparable Dr. Vladimir Koren, a well-respected veterinarian among the ranchers throughout the region. ===maybe change passive verbs to active....A bit unsettled in the new town, and nervous about meeting the incomparable....he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. The negro coachman...
Catching the sight of the ranch as the coach came near reminded ====get rid of extra the...As the coach neared, Nathan caught sight of his new home. It reminded him of old man Casey's...
In 1900, Nathan had left his ===don't need the had..Nathan left his mother...
Koren rested his backsides===backsides??? maybe just backside...lol?
It was my dear sister's death that shaped my destiny===maybe just My dear sister's death..get rid of passive was
Nate said, showing pity.
====maybe show us...how do we know he showed pity...did tears well in his eyes. Did he hang his head?
Koren told him,====unnecessary...
in her 40s===generally speaking we spell the word out..
Later that evening, following a hearty dinner, Nathan and the doctor enjoyed a glass of Port ===I think you should show us through dialogue or action instead of narrating this...
It blinded him for a moment then he rose and prepared himself for the day. ===maybe better: It blinded him for a moment as he rose to prepare himself...
It was a March Sunday and the Korens had gone to church===again to get rid of passive was..On that March Sunday the Korans went to church..
Embarrassed that he may have given the wrong impression of his religious upbringing, ===was he feeling guilty for not going?
Merald was a chubby little woman who smiled a lot but didn't talk much====again...passive....Merald, a chubby little woman, who didn't talk much, set a steaming cup of coffee before him and excused herself....or something like that..
A gentle breeze blew her auburn hair...revealing an exotic face ===I read the author's notes about the dots instead of commas, but here it just seems incorrect. The ellipses indicate a trailing off of thoughts.
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
|
Sounds like this has wonderful potential. You've done an excellent job setting the scene and mood, introducing the characters, and giving us some insight into the personalities of the couple who your mc is staying with. I kept waiting to feel an emotional connection with Nathan though. It seems like the only tiny glimpse we get into his emotions is when he says something about his sister and then the horse. The breaking of his engagement would have been a perfect time to allow your audience to make that connection . . . really pour it on. You should really consider going back and writing in some moments for us, because that is how you keep readers chomping at the bit to read more. As it stands now, I don't feel one way or another about Nathan. But I'll keep reading.
***********************************************************
Suggestion/Comments
A little confused by even his six foot-one had to look up??? A little unclear..
Coming to a new town was a bit unsettling, and he was nervous about meeting the incomparable Dr. Vladimir Koren, a well-respected veterinarian among the ranchers throughout the region. ===maybe change passive verbs to active....A bit unsettled in the new town, and nervous about meeting the incomparable....he squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. The negro coachman...
Catching the sight of the ranch as the coach came near reminded ====get rid of extra the...As the coach neared, Nathan caught sight of his new home. It reminded him of old man Casey's...
In 1900, Nathan had left his ===don't need the had..Nathan left his mother...
Koren rested his backsides===backsides??? maybe just backside...lol?
It was my dear sister's death that shaped my destiny===maybe just My dear sister's death..get rid of passive was
Nate said, showing pity.
====maybe show us...how do we know he showed pity...did tears well in his eyes. Did he hang his head?
Koren told him,====unnecessary...
in her 40s===generally speaking we spell the word out..
Later that evening, following a hearty dinner, Nathan and the doctor enjoyed a glass of Port ===I think you should show us through dialogue or action instead of narrating this...
It blinded him for a moment then he rose and prepared himself for the day. ===maybe better: It blinded him for a moment as he rose to prepare himself...
It was a March Sunday and the Korens had gone to church===again to get rid of passive was..On that March Sunday the Korans went to church..
Embarrassed that he may have given the wrong impression of his religious upbringing, ===was he feeling guilty for not going?
Merald was a chubby little woman who smiled a lot but didn't talk much====again...passive....Merald, a chubby little woman, who didn't talk much, set a steaming cup of coffee before him and excused herself....or something like that..
A gentle breeze blew her auburn hair...revealing an exotic face ===I read the author's notes about the dots instead of commas, but here it just seems incorrect. The ellipses indicate a trailing off of thoughts.
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Nathan never mentioned his sister, but thanks for review.
-
Oops...so sorry...I meant the best friend's dog...geesh. I'm sorry! :)
-
No Problem, my dear.
Comment from Ekim777
A most polished and entertaining read. Dr. Koren might personify wisdom but Nathan has something more in him; a recognition that the animal kingdom in its natural habitat might represent something grander than any man-made society. The high point of the piece is the demise of the old horse (Horses symbolize life for me)And the magnificent quote from Job. The Book of Job is awesome as a modern work, despite its contest yet I don't recall this sacred paragraph; maybe because I read it in Hebrew. It shines like a gem that it is. And we come down to earthy reality. Like human beings, animals have accidents too.
-Ekim777
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
|
A most polished and entertaining read. Dr. Koren might personify wisdom but Nathan has something more in him; a recognition that the animal kingdom in its natural habitat might represent something grander than any man-made society. The high point of the piece is the demise of the old horse (Horses symbolize life for me)And the magnificent quote from Job. The Book of Job is awesome as a modern work, despite its contest yet I don't recall this sacred paragraph; maybe because I read it in Hebrew. It shines like a gem that it is. And we come down to earthy reality. Like human beings, animals have accidents too.
-Ekim777
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Thank you so much for this fine review. I'm so glad you enjoyed reading it.
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Deserves a 6 but alas I've run out. The piece has the easy languid pace of southern writers such as F.P Keyes and Samuel Clemons. A joy to read and be educated at the same time. As to flaws, if there were any, I couldn't see them but one question: Should 'Son' be capitalized?
Regards:
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
|
Deserves a 6 but alas I've run out. The piece has the easy languid pace of southern writers such as F.P Keyes and Samuel Clemons. A joy to read and be educated at the same time. As to flaws, if there were any, I couldn't see them but one question: Should 'Son' be capitalized?
Regards:
Comment Written 18-May-2013
reply by the author on 18-May-2013
-
Yes, Son should be cap. Thank you for catching that. And thank you for this find review.
