The Big Switch
It's not wise to offend a magician!38 total reviews
Comment from forestport12
I just loved the twist in the end. I like how I was genuinely surprised and how it ended in a good way. Junior gets out of the mafia, the magicians get their daughter back and the old mafia man just gets old. Great great story idea, and I'm not sure how I would improve on it. Stan
reply by the author on 07-May-2013
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I just loved the twist in the end. I like how I was genuinely surprised and how it ended in a good way. Junior gets out of the mafia, the magicians get their daughter back and the old mafia man just gets old. Great great story idea, and I'm not sure how I would improve on it. Stan
Comment Written 07-May-2013
reply by the author on 07-May-2013
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Oh, thank you so much Stan. I really appreciate you taking the time to read and review. Since you are getting published so much, I need to study your work more.
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my soul sister in the Lord, I'm humbled and grateful. Somedays, I'm still not sure what I'm doing. If I hadn't believed that God had given me this gift, I'd be just a blip on the screen. Stan
Comment from Selina Stambi
What an unexpected, intriguing ending, amahra. Very, very creative! :)
Spags:
To his left, his daughter dressed in a (beautiful, sexy) costume ... suggestion: get rid of 'beautiful' because you've just used it in the previous line and drop 'sexy' - the monk's watering mouth is sufficient. Makes the sentence more polished.
took the refusals in (his) stride
But when angered, his fury became as a sword wheeling giant.
... suggestion: but when he was angry, his fury made him a sword-wielding giant. (wheeling - did you mean wielding?)
the Martinis' poplularity (change position of exclamation mark)
Martini slurded - did you mean slurred?
Suggest: Martini slurred his voice as he read
crime families (lower case f)
diamonded and minked - suggestion: jeweled and minked
The wife rolled onto the stage an old wooded trunk... sounds a bit convoluted ... suggestion: Mrs. Martini rolled an old wooden trunk onto the stage
The trunk top flew open (not opened)
the same nightgown she had worn (not she wore)
They tore through the place like cyclones (not cyclons)
reply by the author on 06-May-2013
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What an unexpected, intriguing ending, amahra. Very, very creative! :)
Spags:
To his left, his daughter dressed in a (beautiful, sexy) costume ... suggestion: get rid of 'beautiful' because you've just used it in the previous line and drop 'sexy' - the monk's watering mouth is sufficient. Makes the sentence more polished.
took the refusals in (his) stride
But when angered, his fury became as a sword wheeling giant.
... suggestion: but when he was angry, his fury made him a sword-wielding giant. (wheeling - did you mean wielding?)
the Martinis' poplularity (change position of exclamation mark)
Martini slurded - did you mean slurred?
Suggest: Martini slurred his voice as he read
crime families (lower case f)
diamonded and minked - suggestion: jeweled and minked
The wife rolled onto the stage an old wooded trunk... sounds a bit convoluted ... suggestion: Mrs. Martini rolled an old wooden trunk onto the stage
The trunk top flew open (not opened)
the same nightgown she had worn (not she wore)
They tore through the place like cyclones (not cyclons)
Comment Written 06-May-2013
reply by the author on 06-May-2013
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Thank you for reviewing and catching errors (slurred, she wore, open) I meant cylon-their robotic soldiers, crime Family is upper case, it's the name of an organization, I meant sword wheeling, sword wielding means to handle with skill, sword wheeling, is putting to sword in motion. Jeweled can mean inexpensive, I wanted diamonded to show their wealth,,,I took creative license there.
I really do appreciate the time you took for my little story. Blessings to you my dear.
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Bless you too, dear! I learned something from you too, today - :) Hugs xxx
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Amahra,
Your story is interesting and engaging. It is rich in action, conflict, suspense, and mystery. The plot is compelling and believable, and the characters are convincing and realistic. The story is well-written and, I found it riveting. It had my attention from the beginning to the surprise ending.
Tony Delario's life of torture was justice served the same way he lived his life...outside the long arm of the law.
Thanks for sharing such a fine tale.
Curtis
reply by the author on 06-May-2013
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Amahra,
Your story is interesting and engaging. It is rich in action, conflict, suspense, and mystery. The plot is compelling and believable, and the characters are convincing and realistic. The story is well-written and, I found it riveting. It had my attention from the beginning to the surprise ending.
Tony Delario's life of torture was justice served the same way he lived his life...outside the long arm of the law.
Thanks for sharing such a fine tale.
Curtis
Comment Written 06-May-2013
reply by the author on 06-May-2013
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Thank you so much for enjoying my little tale. I really appreciate you taking the time to read.
Comment from Twilightspire
Awesome twist at the end. A wonderfully well written and fun story, I'm so glad I came across it. It really had you guessing the whole time through.
Your ability to show the best and worst of your characters is amazing, all of the characters stood out and were very unique to the story.
Your opening paragraph really gripped me and the font you used was especially alluring.
Excellent job.
I found some spag for you, but nothing that really killed the story for me:
"Why...dat son-of-a-bitch; da nerve of dat guy treating da Boss dis way," blurts one of his men.
-You slipped out of tense in this sentence. "blurts" should be "blurted"
My God!" Martini slurd as he read the slip of paper.
-"slurd" should be "slurred"
"Ladies and gents," said the brother-in-law of DeLario
-While not grammatically incorrect, "the brother-in-law of Delario is passive. It is always better to go with the active. Like this: "Delario's brother-in-law."
They tore through the place like cylons,
-"cylons" should be "cyclones" Unless the enemies of Battlestar Galacitca are helping Tony tear apart his club. :) Sorry, if you don't get that joke.
Overall, a great read.
Keep it up.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 06-May-2013
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Awesome twist at the end. A wonderfully well written and fun story, I'm so glad I came across it. It really had you guessing the whole time through.
Your ability to show the best and worst of your characters is amazing, all of the characters stood out and were very unique to the story.
Your opening paragraph really gripped me and the font you used was especially alluring.
Excellent job.
I found some spag for you, but nothing that really killed the story for me:
"Why...dat son-of-a-bitch; da nerve of dat guy treating da Boss dis way," blurts one of his men.
-You slipped out of tense in this sentence. "blurts" should be "blurted"
My God!" Martini slurd as he read the slip of paper.
-"slurd" should be "slurred"
"Ladies and gents," said the brother-in-law of DeLario
-While not grammatically incorrect, "the brother-in-law of Delario is passive. It is always better to go with the active. Like this: "Delario's brother-in-law."
They tore through the place like cylons,
-"cylons" should be "cyclones" Unless the enemies of Battlestar Galacitca are helping Tony tear apart his club. :) Sorry, if you don't get that joke.
Overall, a great read.
Keep it up.
-T.J.
Comment Written 06-May-2013
reply by the author on 06-May-2013
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Thank you so much for catching those mistakes. I had so many reviews telling me to put the story in present tense, so I did, but didn't like it and turned it back to past tense. I thought I had gotten them all, but I see I missed a few. Now I meant to use the word cylons, because they are robot soldiers, who are unfeeling, just like mobster soldiers have to be to carry out the orders of their boss. Mobster soldiers can't have any feelings for their victims.
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Awesome! That is so cool that you meant cylons!
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LOL! Somebody is a big sci fi fan. I'm glad you think it's cool. Hey, we old-timers keep up.
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Lol. A little bit of a sci-fi fan.
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for having confidence in your form--it is a wonderful, short story. Telling it in the present tense adds to the immediacy, and I enjoyed your original phrases, like the "monk's" hyperbole and the "diamoned" and "minked" descriptions with verb forms. Your conclusion was unexpected yet convincing. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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Thank you for having confidence in your form--it is a wonderful, short story. Telling it in the present tense adds to the immediacy, and I enjoyed your original phrases, like the "monk's" hyperbole and the "diamoned" and "minked" descriptions with verb forms. Your conclusion was unexpected yet convincing. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 05-May-2013
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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Thank you so much Joan E. I really appreciate the time you took to read and review my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
This is a very entertaining story, indeed.
any evidence behind that the law could use against him
any evidence behind the law could use against him (the word "that" is one of those words the editors call "watery words" because it dilutes the sentence. The sentence is strong without it, but using it or not is your choice)
He is partly dressed
He is half-dressed (try to avoid those "ly" words--adverbs. Instead use a strong word. For example: Instead of "I spoke softly" say "I whispered"
he says shaking the gangster's hand.
he says, shaking the gangster's hand.
"Well, I kinda knew that. Look, how about putting on a private little magic show for me and the boys down at my club. I'll pay you double what they give you here." The magician doesn't hesitate, "I'm sorry, but I don't do private shows." The mobster frowns. His bodyguards stand at attention. No one tells Tony DeLario 'No.' But to his men's surprise, his face softens.
"Well, I kinda knew that. Look, how about putting on a private little magic show for me and the boys down at my club. I'll pay you double what they give you here."
The magician doesn't hesitate, "I'm sorry, but I don't do private shows."
The mobster frowns. "No one tells Tony DeLario no."
His bodyguards stand at attention, but to their surprise, Tony's face softens. (Each character's words and/or action should be its own paragraph.
Also, you keep saying, "the magician" when you have already given his name. By using the word "the magician" all the time you keep the reader at arms length from connecting with the character.
crime Families.
crime families.
and heads for the airport.
and head for the airport.--Or better yet: The two head for the airport--the reader knows they have to take a car there.
You have an active imagination, my friend. I'm finding I like your stories. Keep writing.
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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This is a very entertaining story, indeed.
any evidence behind that the law could use against him
any evidence behind the law could use against him (the word "that" is one of those words the editors call "watery words" because it dilutes the sentence. The sentence is strong without it, but using it or not is your choice)
He is partly dressed
He is half-dressed (try to avoid those "ly" words--adverbs. Instead use a strong word. For example: Instead of "I spoke softly" say "I whispered"
he says shaking the gangster's hand.
he says, shaking the gangster's hand.
"Well, I kinda knew that. Look, how about putting on a private little magic show for me and the boys down at my club. I'll pay you double what they give you here." The magician doesn't hesitate, "I'm sorry, but I don't do private shows." The mobster frowns. His bodyguards stand at attention. No one tells Tony DeLario 'No.' But to his men's surprise, his face softens.
"Well, I kinda knew that. Look, how about putting on a private little magic show for me and the boys down at my club. I'll pay you double what they give you here."
The magician doesn't hesitate, "I'm sorry, but I don't do private shows."
The mobster frowns. "No one tells Tony DeLario no."
His bodyguards stand at attention, but to their surprise, Tony's face softens. (Each character's words and/or action should be its own paragraph.
Also, you keep saying, "the magician" when you have already given his name. By using the word "the magician" all the time you keep the reader at arms length from connecting with the character.
crime Families.
crime families.
and heads for the airport.
and head for the airport.--Or better yet: The two head for the airport--the reader knows they have to take a car there.
You have an active imagination, my friend. I'm finding I like your stories. Keep writing.
Comment Written 05-May-2013
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
Thanks you Gato for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Dan Diego
I really liked this story. I imagined you telling it while sitting on a porch with a small audience huddled at your feet. For me it had the feel of a story that should be spoken aloud (more than read in private). That observation does not take away from the writing. The plot flowed well for me, and there were no stops for spelling, punctuation and grammar errors. You have the ear for dialogue, when used, but chose narrative to dominate the flow. Perhaps, that's what led me to see that image of you sitting on that porch.
Should you choose to submit it for publication outside of FS, I suggest a review of comma usage and using voice/tense to add immediacy.
Great job. This is an excellent story.
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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I really liked this story. I imagined you telling it while sitting on a porch with a small audience huddled at your feet. For me it had the feel of a story that should be spoken aloud (more than read in private). That observation does not take away from the writing. The plot flowed well for me, and there were no stops for spelling, punctuation and grammar errors. You have the ear for dialogue, when used, but chose narrative to dominate the flow. Perhaps, that's what led me to see that image of you sitting on that porch.
Should you choose to submit it for publication outside of FS, I suggest a review of comma usage and using voice/tense to add immediacy.
Great job. This is an excellent story.
Comment Written 05-May-2013
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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Thank you so much. I love writing dialogue. My next project is to tackle a play. I appreciate you taking the time to read and for this wonderful review. Oh, for the comma use, I don't really use that many commas. It's this site, I can't get the dashes to transfer to this site from my Word system. Many times you'll see I'll use ... in place of the comma.
Comment from notdeadyet
This is a fun read. I enjoyed it very much. This is a well told story with a good conclusion. I especially liked the part where Tony takes in the dog and thinks it is his son.
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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This is a fun read. I enjoyed it very much. This is a well told story with a good conclusion. I especially liked the part where Tony takes in the dog and thinks it is his son.
Comment Written 05-May-2013
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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Thank you so much for reading. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. I liked the dog part too.
Comment from dmt1967
This is a good story I love it a well deserved 6 in anyone's book I love the switch reminds me of the movie the illusionist thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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This is a good story I love it a well deserved 6 in anyone's book I love the switch reminds me of the movie the illusionist thank you for sharing
Comment Written 05-May-2013
reply by the author on 05-May-2013
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Thank you so much for reading and presenting me with so many stars. I really do appreciate it.
Comment from Norbanus
Hell of a good yarn, amahra. You kept me guessing all the way through, what the twist was going to be at the end. Of course, all my guesses were wrong. I didn't see any opportunities for improvement.
reply by the author on 04-May-2013
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Hell of a good yarn, amahra. You kept me guessing all the way through, what the twist was going to be at the end. Of course, all my guesses were wrong. I didn't see any opportunities for improvement.
Comment Written 04-May-2013
reply by the author on 04-May-2013
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Thank you Norbanus for stopping by and reading.
