Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Suta Moon"Murder Mystery
40 total reviews
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
As before very well done. No errors, just great writing and more mystery. This book is just driving me crazy trying to figure out who dunit. Well done, Rox
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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As before very well done. No errors, just great writing and more mystery. This book is just driving me crazy trying to figure out who dunit. Well done, Rox
Comment Written 14-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Thank you, Rox. We're getting into the home stretch. The next few chapters will point to who is behind these murders. I really appreciate your generous and encouraging review, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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You're welcome. =}
Comment from barkingdog
So, Debra Padget was tied into the pedophile priest, and it looks like her niece, Darcy, plans to withhold the evidence.
Father Brian's inability to accept the part of his faith that condemns his mother's suicide was an interesting note. He felt uncomfortable with his friend and avoided talking about it.
Your dialogue is top-notch as usual.
(My energy level is down from doing taxes. I apologize for such a short review.)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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So, Debra Padget was tied into the pedophile priest, and it looks like her niece, Darcy, plans to withhold the evidence.
Father Brian's inability to accept the part of his faith that condemns his mother's suicide was an interesting note. He felt uncomfortable with his friend and avoided talking about it.
Your dialogue is top-notch as usual.
(My energy level is down from doing taxes. I apologize for such a short review.)
Comment Written 14-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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I thank you for this wonderful review, Ellen. Taxes... UGH! I hope at least you'll be getting a refund?!
I thought of you as I wrote this as you'd mentioned missing Father Brian. I did, too. Hopefully, he came across as the person I see him to be. Conflicted, yes, but deeply spiritual.
Thanks so much my friend. Hugs, Bev
Comment from wordsfromsue
You managed to make me snort and laugh inside my head at the last paragraphs! What a cold hearted, self absorbed bitch! She couldn't give a toss that her aunt had been getting death threats and/or the letter sender carried them out!!
How awful that she's choosing to suppress vital evidence. I hope it fallz out of her bag in sight of someone who can turn it over to the police.
I almost wish the killer would get ahold of her and scare the behoobies right out of her!
THAT thought cheers me up. :-)
What an interesting relationship the two priest friends have. I would treasure a friend like that.
Terrific chapter Bev!
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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You managed to make me snort and laugh inside my head at the last paragraphs! What a cold hearted, self absorbed bitch! She couldn't give a toss that her aunt had been getting death threats and/or the letter sender carried them out!!
How awful that she's choosing to suppress vital evidence. I hope it fallz out of her bag in sight of someone who can turn it over to the police.
I almost wish the killer would get ahold of her and scare the behoobies right out of her!
THAT thought cheers me up. :-)
What an interesting relationship the two priest friends have. I would treasure a friend like that.
Terrific chapter Bev!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Hi, Sue. I'm glad someone else hates Darcy Shaw as much as I do!
And I'm glad I was able to portray her selfish, narcissistic aspects. But we all have a redeeming side - maybe Father Brian will be able to read her mind? Thanks, my friend, for your fabulously generous and encouraging review. Hugs, Bev
Comment from AprilShower
Bev, I have no idea where this chapter is leading us. Did Debra destroy important evidence? I have no idea where this chapter will lead us. I'm anxious to see where this goes and find out who is murdering these people, and to find out why the murderer is taunting Father Brian.
April
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Bev, I have no idea where this chapter is leading us. Did Debra destroy important evidence? I have no idea where this chapter will lead us. I'm anxious to see where this goes and find out who is murdering these people, and to find out why the murderer is taunting Father Brian.
April
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Hi, April. I thank you for hanging in there with me on this book. I think the next two chapters will help clarify matters a little. Take care and have a good week, my friend. Xx Bev
Comment from JM daSilva
I'm going to give you my opinion, and as usual, take what you like, ok? To me, the main character in the second scene is Darcy, but you showed the POV of the teller and the manager. They are unimportant . Are those characters going to come back again in any way? If they are not, it doesn't matter what they are thinking about. You should concentrate on the protagonist and then tell me her impressions about the other people. The fewer the protagonists in each scene, the better. If you have many, try to use two or three protags. If it is a meeting, choose the protag, and tell me his impressions about the other ones. Just my two cents. Lol.
As I did the first time, you fix the little spag, and I'll change your rating from four to five, okay?
He grieved [the] church-goers' [churchgoers'] waning reverence for the sacrament's power.
Twenty[-]eight years [http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607508]
had passed, yet he could [remove readily (avoiding -ly adverbs) summon the sublime peace
The clean lines of the den's furniture echoed the Scandinavian aesthetic introduced into Minnesota by Swedish immigrants.
The clean lines of the den's furniture echoed the Scandinavian aesthetic Swedish immigrants introduced into Minnesota. [passive alternative]
allow it. We're under-staffed [understaffed],
He'd known Brian for over a decade [remove . He] [and] could tell when he was dissembling.
Father Borkowski leaned forward in his seat [remove . He] [and] softened his eyes to blunt the effect of his words. [to avoid pronouns]
Why should my mother be punished for the unholy spirit that took over her mind and compelled her actions?
He was not ready to speak of the matter [ remove , and he knew] [and] his good friend would not press further. [you remove one he, and there is another he below]
Father Borkowski was half-way out of his chair [remove ,] when Brian signalled him to stay seated. [http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607291]
The bank teller studied the petite blonde [remove who was] next in line.[ http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=608540]
She took in the tight jeans, wedged heels and low-cut floral blouse. She sported a large purse with the exclusive Coach insignia facing outward. She glared at the backside of the customer Margie Post was helping as if a stern look from her had the ability to make him disappear.
She took in the tight jeans, wedged heels and low-cut floral blouse, the large purse with the exclusive Coach insignia facing outward, and glared at the backside of the customer Margie Post was helping as if a stern look from her had the ability to make him disappear. [avoiding pronoun repetition]
Margie was taken off guard by the woman's aggression.
The woman's aggression took Margie off guard.
He stepped to the customer's side and [,] without a glance in Margie's direction[,] dismissed her.
" inteference. [interference]
With a deft hand, Patrick Morgan steered her into his office. She found herself sitting across from him behind a closed door.
With a deft hand, Patrick Morgan steered her into his office and had her sit across from him behind a closed door.[to keep the same POV, or...]
**
With a deft hand, Patrick Morgan steered her into his office.
She found herself sitting across from him behind a closed door. [ you make it another paragraph. A paragraph can be even one word. ]
but I'm in rather a hurry. [in somewhat of a hurry. I'm rather in a hurry. I'm in a hurry]
she hissed, "you always were a pain in the ass."
she hissed, "you were always a pain in the ass." [sintax]
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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I'm going to give you my opinion, and as usual, take what you like, ok? To me, the main character in the second scene is Darcy, but you showed the POV of the teller and the manager. They are unimportant . Are those characters going to come back again in any way? If they are not, it doesn't matter what they are thinking about. You should concentrate on the protagonist and then tell me her impressions about the other people. The fewer the protagonists in each scene, the better. If you have many, try to use two or three protags. If it is a meeting, choose the protag, and tell me his impressions about the other ones. Just my two cents. Lol.
As I did the first time, you fix the little spag, and I'll change your rating from four to five, okay?
He grieved [the] church-goers' [churchgoers'] waning reverence for the sacrament's power.
Twenty[-]eight years [http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607508]
had passed, yet he could [remove readily (avoiding -ly adverbs) summon the sublime peace
The clean lines of the den's furniture echoed the Scandinavian aesthetic introduced into Minnesota by Swedish immigrants.
The clean lines of the den's furniture echoed the Scandinavian aesthetic Swedish immigrants introduced into Minnesota. [passive alternative]
allow it. We're under-staffed [understaffed],
He'd known Brian for over a decade [remove . He] [and] could tell when he was dissembling.
Father Borkowski leaned forward in his seat [remove . He] [and] softened his eyes to blunt the effect of his words. [to avoid pronouns]
Why should my mother be punished for the unholy spirit that took over her mind and compelled her actions?
He was not ready to speak of the matter [ remove , and he knew] [and] his good friend would not press further. [you remove one he, and there is another he below]
Father Borkowski was half-way out of his chair [remove ,] when Brian signalled him to stay seated. [http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607291]
The bank teller studied the petite blonde [remove who was] next in line.[ http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=608540]
She took in the tight jeans, wedged heels and low-cut floral blouse. She sported a large purse with the exclusive Coach insignia facing outward. She glared at the backside of the customer Margie Post was helping as if a stern look from her had the ability to make him disappear.
She took in the tight jeans, wedged heels and low-cut floral blouse, the large purse with the exclusive Coach insignia facing outward, and glared at the backside of the customer Margie Post was helping as if a stern look from her had the ability to make him disappear. [avoiding pronoun repetition]
Margie was taken off guard by the woman's aggression.
The woman's aggression took Margie off guard.
He stepped to the customer's side and [,] without a glance in Margie's direction[,] dismissed her.
" inteference. [interference]
With a deft hand, Patrick Morgan steered her into his office. She found herself sitting across from him behind a closed door.
With a deft hand, Patrick Morgan steered her into his office and had her sit across from him behind a closed door.[to keep the same POV, or...]
**
With a deft hand, Patrick Morgan steered her into his office.
She found herself sitting across from him behind a closed door. [ you make it another paragraph. A paragraph can be even one word. ]
but I'm in rather a hurry. [in somewhat of a hurry. I'm rather in a hurry. I'm in a hurry]
she hissed, "you always were a pain in the ass."
she hissed, "you were always a pain in the ass." [sintax]
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Thanks for the great spag advice. I understand about the number of protag's issue. And that it might seem like too many, but I am going to keep it as is because I think it flows well and I give my readers credit for being able to make that little leap to following along given the slight break between sections. As to the spags, I'm sure they are going to help tighten and plan to review your suggestions later today. As always, thank you very much!
Warm regards, Bev
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I wasn't talking about the number of characters but about the characters that won't appear again in the story.
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Ah, yes I think I see what you mean. Duh!! Very good point. Thanks, JM.
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Great.
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Great.
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:0)
Comment from c_lucas
A major break in the case and the niece wants to go on vacation. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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A major break in the case and the niece wants to go on vacation. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much, charlie. A six from you is especially gratifying given the level of your talent and experience. I do very much appreciate it. Warm regards, Bev
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You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from samandlancelot
WritingfunDimension,
Whew! You have a lot going on in this chapter with Father Brian dealing with the murder of his friend and the eternal destination of his mother after her suicide. Then you introduce the niece into the picture who obviously is not mourning her loss.
I enjoyed all the intracacies that you so expertly interweaved into this chapter.
Patricia
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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WritingfunDimension,
Whew! You have a lot going on in this chapter with Father Brian dealing with the murder of his friend and the eternal destination of his mother after her suicide. Then you introduce the niece into the picture who obviously is not mourning her loss.
I enjoyed all the intracacies that you so expertly interweaved into this chapter.
Patricia
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Thank you much, Patricia, for yoyr generous and gracious review. Lots of puzzle pieces are beginning to coalesce. Hopefully, it wasn't too confusing. Hugs, Bev
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Not confusing at all. I was impressed with your ability to have so much going on at once.
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Gee, thanks, patricia. I appreciate that! Bev
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Bev,
The look back helped bring the story more in focus since I missed the earlier chapters. Your storyline is compelling and believable, and the characters are convincing and realistic. The dialog is outstanding as is the rest of the well-written chapter. Father Brian DeShano is harboring a mystery that he will have to deal with sooner or later. Father Borkowski may be the one to pull it out. It an interesting and engaging chapter, and it held my attention from the beginning to the end. I enjoyed reading your story.
Curtis
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Bev,
The look back helped bring the story more in focus since I missed the earlier chapters. Your storyline is compelling and believable, and the characters are convincing and realistic. The dialog is outstanding as is the rest of the well-written chapter. Father Brian DeShano is harboring a mystery that he will have to deal with sooner or later. Father Borkowski may be the one to pull it out. It an interesting and engaging chapter, and it held my attention from the beginning to the end. I enjoyed reading your story.
Curtis
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Curtis thank you for this in-depth review and encouragement. Father Brian's secret is going to lead to a near-fatal mistake on his part. Lots yet to come, though I am beginning to bring all the puzzle pieces (hopefully) together. Thanks so much for reading, Curtis.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from richardwarfe
Really nicely written with well formed characters. I think that you have very good grasp on writing natural sounding dialogue, and I like the economy you have with words. No long winded descriptions here, really well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Really nicely written with well formed characters. I think that you have very good grasp on writing natural sounding dialogue, and I like the economy you have with words. No long winded descriptions here, really well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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Hi, richard. I sure appreciate you taking time to read my chapter! Thanks for the generous and gracious review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from donaldww
I'm drawn in under the Suta moon again . . .
So, the father became a priest because of a suicide. Always a story behind everything.
What is an ebaskiver? Ok. I looked it up and it's a Danish pastry.
I don't believe in that estrangement stuff. I forgot that it was part of church thinking. Do the priests require some kind of special blessing to remove it?
Haha. Coffee in a banker's office. Haven't had that service offered to me, even as a so-called preferred customer. LOL
Darcy's not too fond of her auntie. :)
Cheers,
DW
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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I'm drawn in under the Suta moon again . . .
So, the father became a priest because of a suicide. Always a story behind everything.
What is an ebaskiver? Ok. I looked it up and it's a Danish pastry.
I don't believe in that estrangement stuff. I forgot that it was part of church thinking. Do the priests require some kind of special blessing to remove it?
Haha. Coffee in a banker's office. Haven't had that service offered to me, even as a so-called preferred customer. LOL
Darcy's not too fond of her auntie. :)
Cheers,
DW
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2013
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I bought an ebaskiver pan, but haven't used it yet. You can fill it with preserves, creams, etc. Got mine at Williams and Sonoma.
Thanks for the great review. I need to change my description from a Swedith to a Danish pastry.
Our samll town bank still offers coffee and, even donuts occasionally.
Regards,
Bev
