Somewhere
Part One Shipwrecked20 total reviews
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello there Cindy
This had better become a book. You got my interest peeked. You are correct in saying she aint a bad person, but she is dumber than dirt. She is nigh-eve in the ways of the world. Being rich wont help that, but time will. Nicely crafted
Bear
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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Hello there Cindy
This had better become a book. You got my interest peeked. You are correct in saying she aint a bad person, but she is dumber than dirt. She is nigh-eve in the ways of the world. Being rich wont help that, but time will. Nicely crafted
Bear
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2013
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I'm glad to know you think it could be a book. She's in for a rude awakening, that's for sure. Thanks for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Melody is PERFECT, since she is going to change. That's the whole idea, and I love the setup for the story. Yes, do make it a book. Wonderfully written and a topnotch opening! :)
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Melody is PERFECT, since she is going to change. That's the whole idea, and I love the setup for the story. Yes, do make it a book. Wonderfully written and a topnotch opening! :)
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Yes, she's going to change, but not easily. She's going to do planty of kicking and screaming along the way. I'm so glad you think it could make it as a book.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I love to see little spoiled brats get their come up pence LOL It seems to be interesting so far. You have a task ahead to get the ship fixed and dad healed and the brat un-spoiled. I'll hang around. xx Nancy
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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I love to see little spoiled brats get their come up pence LOL It seems to be interesting so far. You have a task ahead to get the ship fixed and dad healed and the brat un-spoiled. I'll hang around. xx Nancy
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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That brat is in for a reality check, all right. I'm a little concerned that she may be too unlikable for readers to identify with. Glad to know you'd hang around.
Comment from sunshinelover
Hi, there. I think this is a good start to a longer story or a book, depending on what complicating factors you continue to put in Melody's way and how you develop Somewhere.
I don't find Melody too unlikable but perhaps a bit overdone with the screaming and shrieking. She seems more believable to me when she's being demanding (although I can't see her saying "Nonsense"--that sounds more like an adult). I can see how you want to portray both her elevated sense of herself (looking down on others and her location) and her inability to adapt right away to a situation in which she's entirely out of her depth, which would cause her to cry.
Your opening is good, pulling the reader into the immediate action and revealing piecemeal the facts that there's been a shipwreck and that Melody sailed from Boston. "Boston" even has a high-minded feel to it and so is a good choice for Melody's home. I think you handle the dialogue well, too.
From what precedes it, I don't get any feeling for why Melody might smile at the mention of Somewhere. It doesn't seem to follow, but perhaps the reason will be clarified in the next installment.
A few technical items: In the first paragraph, you need opening quotes around the last sentence. In the third paragraph, "from her" is repeated. A bit further down, it would be better to divide - "I'm not too sure at the moment, but don't you worry about that," the captain tried to sound reassuring. - into two sentences ("I'm not too sure at the moment, but don't you worry about that." The captain tried to sound reassuring.). I think that would improve the readability.
Good luck with this story.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Hi, there. I think this is a good start to a longer story or a book, depending on what complicating factors you continue to put in Melody's way and how you develop Somewhere.
I don't find Melody too unlikable but perhaps a bit overdone with the screaming and shrieking. She seems more believable to me when she's being demanding (although I can't see her saying "Nonsense"--that sounds more like an adult). I can see how you want to portray both her elevated sense of herself (looking down on others and her location) and her inability to adapt right away to a situation in which she's entirely out of her depth, which would cause her to cry.
Your opening is good, pulling the reader into the immediate action and revealing piecemeal the facts that there's been a shipwreck and that Melody sailed from Boston. "Boston" even has a high-minded feel to it and so is a good choice for Melody's home. I think you handle the dialogue well, too.
From what precedes it, I don't get any feeling for why Melody might smile at the mention of Somewhere. It doesn't seem to follow, but perhaps the reason will be clarified in the next installment.
A few technical items: In the first paragraph, you need opening quotes around the last sentence. In the third paragraph, "from her" is repeated. A bit further down, it would be better to divide - "I'm not too sure at the moment, but don't you worry about that," the captain tried to sound reassuring. - into two sentences ("I'm not too sure at the moment, but don't you worry about that." The captain tried to sound reassuring.). I think that would improve the readability.
Good luck with this story.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Perhaps 'nonsense' should be changed to 'that's silly'. I pictured her parroting something her mother would say, but the reader wouldn't know that. I'll take another look at the captain's speech.
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I like the idea of Melody's parroting her mother when she says "Nonsense." You would only need to find a way to let the reader know that's something she's picked up from her mother.
Comment from FlorenceAnn
Punctuation corrections: 1st para: "This isn't ..." you forgot the quote; 3rd para: you have inserted "from her" twice.
Your ability to describe a scene is magnificent. And, I particularly love the fact that you had the girl throw a temper tantrum - isn't that just exactly how a spoiled child would react! Your writing is consistent throughout!
I'm very interested in knowing what comes next. Will you be continuing this story? I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Thank you!!
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Punctuation corrections: 1st para: "This isn't ..." you forgot the quote; 3rd para: you have inserted "from her" twice.
Your ability to describe a scene is magnificent. And, I particularly love the fact that you had the girl throw a temper tantrum - isn't that just exactly how a spoiled child would react! Your writing is consistent throughout!
I'm very interested in knowing what comes next. Will you be continuing this story? I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Thank you!!
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Thanks for catching that. It's fixed. Yes, I'll most likely continue the story. Glad you enjoyed. Thanks for the great review.
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My pleasure!!
Comment from adewpearl
Don't worry, folks - add comma for direct address
effective in media res opening
vivid detail of setting
Good character development of Melody through her complaining dialogue
She is definitely not likable, but I assume part of the plot will be showing her transformation, so I don't think she is too bad right now. She just sounds very very spoiled. Love the declaration that she is not the help! LOL
Brooke
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Don't worry, folks - add comma for direct address
effective in media res opening
vivid detail of setting
Good character development of Melody through her complaining dialogue
She is definitely not likable, but I assume part of the plot will be showing her transformation, so I don't think she is too bad right now. She just sounds very very spoiled. Love the declaration that she is not the help! LOL
Brooke
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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The comma is fixed. Thanks for catching it. Melody isn't a bad person, just spoiled and selfish. She'll get over it, but she's going to kick and scream a bit first.
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that's what I meant - she's not a bad person, just a spoiled rich girl who hasn't had the right life experiences or guidance up to now - that is why I assumed the story will show her transformation
Comment from Gunrunner
All right, this sounds like a goo story in the making. I like the way you do the dialogue for Fen, like an "old salt". So far, all of the dialogue works well, even for the spoiled brat. I'm looking forward to more chapters. BTE, there's a typo in the third paragraph that repeats. Might want to fix that.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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All right, this sounds like a goo story in the making. I like the way you do the dialogue for Fen, like an "old salt". So far, all of the dialogue works well, even for the spoiled brat. I'm looking forward to more chapters. BTE, there's a typo in the third paragraph that repeats. Might want to fix that.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Thanks for catching the typo. It's fixed. It's great to know you're looking forward to more chapters.
Comment from JM daSilva
Melody is jarring. A spoiled brat. Maybe Jen will learn to string her and make her a real woman with a great melody. I like the story. It is like Lost. Be careful not to make it like lost. I think you should go deeper into how they got shipwrecked. I don't know how I got the impression in the middle they were on another ship. Flesh out the place a little more and you can have a coming-of-age book. I will give you four stars for the story, and when you fix the spag, let me know and I'll give you five. Okay? Write the book. Go with it. That's my advice.
Nine[-]year[-]old Melody glanced around [remove at her surroundings] [tautology], [I deal with this grammar issue here http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607508]
then stared at the captain in horror. Driftwood and debris littered the beach. Coconut palms grew amid tangled and unrecognizable vegetation on a steep slope just beyond the sand. This isn't even a real place! [remove " ] [Melody thought]
"Don't worry[,] folks, we'll get her fixed up[,] and we'll get you home. [ I deal with these commas here http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607291 and here http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607019]
The ship on which she had sailed [remove from her] from her home in Boston lay in tatters. The sails had been shredded, the rigging was a tangled mess[,] and several masts were broken.
"There's a little more to it than that, Miss,[lowercase]" said the captain. "There's water below
Melody's father asked. He leaned heavily against the rail, favoring an injured leg.
Melody's father asked, leaning heavily against the rail, favoring an injured leg. [just to remove pronouns]
to sound reassuring. " As [space]
strange[-] looking man emerge from the tangled underbrush. A fringe of red hair grew along
"Looks like you got yourselves in a spot of trouble here," he said. "Will ya be needin' some help? [This guy was on the ship then, right? One of the crew?]
"The gentleman has injured his leg[,] and the little girl doesn't seem too happy here."
Her protests went unheeded.
[nobody heeded her protests] [alternative to passive] http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=606707]
The captain agreed[,] and the stranger approached Melody's father.
"Thomas York," her father replied. "This is my daughter Melody." [Does he have other daughters? If he doesn't, it should be: "This is my daughter, Melody."
"Don't wanna go?" said Fen. "Well, I suppose ya could always stay here on the beach. [For some reason I thought they were on another ship]
Melody reluctantly followed along a few paces behind. Fen led the way to a stone staircase [,] [remove that had been] cut into the hillside generations before. It was overgrown and, to Melody, almost invisible. Leaves[,] still wet in the aftermath of the storm[,] seemed to crawl
Fear of being left alone here overcame her reluctance.
Fear of abandonment overcame her reluctance. [alternative to passive]
thorns and brambles, and her dress was soon shredded beyond repair.
thorns and brambles, which had soon shredded her dress beyond repair. [alternative to passive]
Her shoes were soaked. She seated herself [sat] on a log. [wordy reflexive verb]
The two men[,] struggling to help her father up the path[,] looked at her as if she had two
Melody sat on the log[,] stomping her feet in the mud and screaming. The men disappeared After what felt like an eternity, she wiped her tears on her ruined dress. She stood and picked her way along the path.
After what felt like an eternity, she wiped her tears on her ruined dress, stood and picked her way along the path. [transition]
Fresh tears followed [ remove the ones she had dried] and she sobbed in earnest as she
she demanded when her first comment was ignored.
she demanded when they ignored her first comment.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Melody is jarring. A spoiled brat. Maybe Jen will learn to string her and make her a real woman with a great melody. I like the story. It is like Lost. Be careful not to make it like lost. I think you should go deeper into how they got shipwrecked. I don't know how I got the impression in the middle they were on another ship. Flesh out the place a little more and you can have a coming-of-age book. I will give you four stars for the story, and when you fix the spag, let me know and I'll give you five. Okay? Write the book. Go with it. That's my advice.
Nine[-]year[-]old Melody glanced around [remove at her surroundings] [tautology], [I deal with this grammar issue here http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607508]
then stared at the captain in horror. Driftwood and debris littered the beach. Coconut palms grew amid tangled and unrecognizable vegetation on a steep slope just beyond the sand. This isn't even a real place! [remove " ] [Melody thought]
"Don't worry[,] folks, we'll get her fixed up[,] and we'll get you home. [ I deal with these commas here http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607291 and here http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=607019]
The ship on which she had sailed [remove from her] from her home in Boston lay in tatters. The sails had been shredded, the rigging was a tangled mess[,] and several masts were broken.
"There's a little more to it than that, Miss,[lowercase]" said the captain. "There's water below
Melody's father asked. He leaned heavily against the rail, favoring an injured leg.
Melody's father asked, leaning heavily against the rail, favoring an injured leg. [just to remove pronouns]
to sound reassuring. " As [space]
strange[-] looking man emerge from the tangled underbrush. A fringe of red hair grew along
"Looks like you got yourselves in a spot of trouble here," he said. "Will ya be needin' some help? [This guy was on the ship then, right? One of the crew?]
"The gentleman has injured his leg[,] and the little girl doesn't seem too happy here."
Her protests went unheeded.
[nobody heeded her protests] [alternative to passive] http://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=606707]
The captain agreed[,] and the stranger approached Melody's father.
"Thomas York," her father replied. "This is my daughter Melody." [Does he have other daughters? If he doesn't, it should be: "This is my daughter, Melody."
"Don't wanna go?" said Fen. "Well, I suppose ya could always stay here on the beach. [For some reason I thought they were on another ship]
Melody reluctantly followed along a few paces behind. Fen led the way to a stone staircase [,] [remove that had been] cut into the hillside generations before. It was overgrown and, to Melody, almost invisible. Leaves[,] still wet in the aftermath of the storm[,] seemed to crawl
Fear of being left alone here overcame her reluctance.
Fear of abandonment overcame her reluctance. [alternative to passive]
thorns and brambles, and her dress was soon shredded beyond repair.
thorns and brambles, which had soon shredded her dress beyond repair. [alternative to passive]
Her shoes were soaked. She seated herself [sat] on a log. [wordy reflexive verb]
The two men[,] struggling to help her father up the path[,] looked at her as if she had two
Melody sat on the log[,] stomping her feet in the mud and screaming. The men disappeared After what felt like an eternity, she wiped her tears on her ruined dress. She stood and picked her way along the path.
After what felt like an eternity, she wiped her tears on her ruined dress, stood and picked her way along the path. [transition]
Fresh tears followed [ remove the ones she had dried] and she sobbed in earnest as she
she demanded when her first comment was ignored.
she demanded when they ignored her first comment.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Wow, that's a lot. I have most of it fixed up. You're right, I didn't transition them from the ship to the beach. Maybe "The captain won't let you stay on the ship, but I suppose you could stay on the beach" would work better.
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Exactly. Anything to get me on the beach. Hey, good story. She is a spoiled brat and I like it when they have to learn to grow up.
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You mention she is nine years old in the beginning. I don't know why I thought she was older. Try to describe her a bit in the very beginning so I form a better picture. Okay?
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okay. does the description of the ship and the captain steering by the stars give you a good idea of the time period? I'm thinking mid eighteenth century.
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You need that, or I will think "Lost". Do that. Great.
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No, it's nothing like "Lost". It's about Melody getting over herself and becoming a better person. Of course, that's not going to happen easily.
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That's why I said you should make the century clear and her too. This will be good.
Comment from wiljacro
HI! Cindy. I think that this is a great start to a book. There is so much going on that your readers are bound to be wondering firstly. How did the ship become to be aground., and second, where on earth did the village folk arrive from and when? Melodie is just a spoiled little girl who, once she gets over herself, will start to take an interest in somethings other than herself. You have to go on with this even if you just make it a story as part of a series of tales it is too good to waste! wiljacro.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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HI! Cindy. I think that this is a great start to a book. There is so much going on that your readers are bound to be wondering firstly. How did the ship become to be aground., and second, where on earth did the village folk arrive from and when? Melodie is just a spoiled little girl who, once she gets over herself, will start to take an interest in somethings other than herself. You have to go on with this even if you just make it a story as part of a series of tales it is too good to waste! wiljacro.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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I'm glad to know you'd like to see more of the story. The village was there all along, they just happened to be lucky enough to crash nearby. Someone noticed the ship. I didn't want to make the first part too long. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, cindy, you did an excellent job writing this story about the little girl who is spoiled that is going to have to have some hard lessons. she needs her butt beaten.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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this is very well written, cindy, you did an excellent job writing this story about the little girl who is spoiled that is going to have to have some hard lessons. she needs her butt beaten.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 08-Apr-2013
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Most of my readers would freak if she gets her butt beaten, but she's in for a reality check for sure. I just hope the character isn't too unlikable. Thanks for a great review.
