Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Osteya Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Now this, my friend, was worth waiting for - you reveal so much content in the dialogue, which holds the interest
throughout.
dirty cops that were like cancer cells bullying their way through a healthy organism. - great line...
Most impressive, Bev.
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
  |
Now this, my friend, was worth waiting for - you reveal so much content in the dialogue, which holds the interest
throughout.
dirty cops that were like cancer cells bullying their way through a healthy organism. - great line...
Most impressive, Bev.
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Hi, Margaret. Thank you seems somehow inadequate for this fantastic review. I so apprecite your generosity with the stars and, even more, your words of encouragement. Makes it all worth while. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from gene roush
You set the scene nicely. We learn a lot quickly and efficiently.
Maybe your memory would be more effective if italicized, (you use it well later. While most of your descriptions are effective there's one that I don't quite understand "He pressed his knuckles into the muscles along both sides of his spine and sighed" I tried this and I'm pretty limber -- not even close to doing it. Is this intended to demonstrate some agility that comes into play later?
This is well done.
Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
 |
You set the scene nicely. We learn a lot quickly and efficiently.
Maybe your memory would be more effective if italicized, (you use it well later. While most of your descriptions are effective there's one that I don't quite understand "He pressed his knuckles into the muscles along both sides of his spine and sighed" I tried this and I'm pretty limber -- not even close to doing it. Is this intended to demonstrate some agility that comes into play later?
This is well done.
Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Hi, Gene. Thanks for the great suggestions and review. I much appreciate it. As to the knuckle thing, I do it all the time and, yes, early one we learn Derek is in excellent physical condition with martial arts training. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Damn it. No six yet? This was yet another superb post, Bev. The way you are twisting and turning this tale is fantastic. You're keeping it real, too. Sometimes, you read something and think 'Yeah, right.'
Not in this case. The story is not only plausible, but frighteningly real.
In my opinion, this is professional and very talented work.
was the expectation of his constuency. - constituency?
I really do like Derek. Great character - totally credible as a detective. He really couldn't be anything else!
You've got him down pat.
Derek kicked back from his desk and stretched his legs to lengthen his torso. He pressed his knuckles into the muscles along both sides of his spine and sighed as he felt the knots release. Averaging five hours of restless sleep was beginning to take its toll. - How well you SHOW us, Bev. Excellent writing.
His claim he saw no one and heard nothing didn't add up." - I wonder, since he's reflecting, if 'doesn't add up' would work better.
The man had, apparently, come and gone like a fragment of errant fog. - Brilliant.
... like cancer cells bullying their way through a healthy organism - More brilliance!
I really enjoyed the reflective side of Derek in this post. Beautifully portrayed. I'd have coffee with him. :D
Anytime!
Bravo, lovely lady. Exceptional work, as always.
Love Av
xx
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
|
Damn it. No six yet? This was yet another superb post, Bev. The way you are twisting and turning this tale is fantastic. You're keeping it real, too. Sometimes, you read something and think 'Yeah, right.'
Not in this case. The story is not only plausible, but frighteningly real.
In my opinion, this is professional and very talented work.
was the expectation of his constuency. - constituency?
I really do like Derek. Great character - totally credible as a detective. He really couldn't be anything else!
You've got him down pat.
Derek kicked back from his desk and stretched his legs to lengthen his torso. He pressed his knuckles into the muscles along both sides of his spine and sighed as he felt the knots release. Averaging five hours of restless sleep was beginning to take its toll. - How well you SHOW us, Bev. Excellent writing.
His claim he saw no one and heard nothing didn't add up." - I wonder, since he's reflecting, if 'doesn't add up' would work better.
The man had, apparently, come and gone like a fragment of errant fog. - Brilliant.
... like cancer cells bullying their way through a healthy organism - More brilliance!
I really enjoyed the reflective side of Derek in this post. Beautifully portrayed. I'd have coffee with him. :D
Anytime!
Bravo, lovely lady. Exceptional work, as always.
Love Av
xx
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Dear Av, you are just so good to me! Your words mean more than a hundred stars, my friend, because you know how deep my respect goes for your writing. Thanks for catching those errors. It's rather pathetic that I don't even know how to make a proper correction using the spell check!
Thank you for letting me know that you feel Derek comes across as real. I do feel a bit protective of my two detectives, Jana and Derek, so that's just terrific.
I so appreciate you!
Love, Bev
Comment from JW
This is a very well written chapter and it does a good job of progressing your story line. However, here are a few things you may or may not want to review:
Derek chafed at the administrative position he'd assumed, moving detectives about like a chess master and trying to stay on top of the details of two converging cases. Juggling the details, making sure the T's were crossed, ....
You may want to consider using, "them", instead of repeating the phrase, "the details."
(He)Wants to push the limits and be safe at the same time.
It seems like there's a word missing in this sentence.
... We can stop by the house after we're finished with the crime scene."
Derek guessed the nature of the call and as Jana tucked away her phone she could see her boss was visibly deflated by the news. "I want you and Rick to work the scene, Jana. I've got to locate Matthew Buell before he hears about this from someone else. I'll have my work cut out keeping him and his know-it-all private eye from descending on the crime scene."
You may want to consider not repeating "the ... scene" so often within a close proximity.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
|
This is a very well written chapter and it does a good job of progressing your story line. However, here are a few things you may or may not want to review:
Derek chafed at the administrative position he'd assumed, moving detectives about like a chess master and trying to stay on top of the details of two converging cases. Juggling the details, making sure the T's were crossed, ....
You may want to consider using, "them", instead of repeating the phrase, "the details."
(He)Wants to push the limits and be safe at the same time.
It seems like there's a word missing in this sentence.
... We can stop by the house after we're finished with the crime scene."
Derek guessed the nature of the call and as Jana tucked away her phone she could see her boss was visibly deflated by the news. "I want you and Rick to work the scene, Jana. I've got to locate Matthew Buell before he hears about this from someone else. I'll have my work cut out keeping him and his know-it-all private eye from descending on the crime scene."
You may want to consider not repeating "the ... scene" so often within a close proximity.
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Hi, Jonathon. Thanks so much for your help in tightening this chapter. I really appreciate it! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from misscookie
Another good chapter
and again I'm puzzle.I think Father Brain is involved with the murder eiyher he did it or he knows who did it from sa confessial AND IN HIS VOWS GHE CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO THE OPOLICE. IF i'M WRONG ITY SOUND GOOD.lol
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
|
Another good chapter
and again I'm puzzle.I think Father Brain is involved with the murder eiyher he did it or he knows who did it from sa confessial AND IN HIS VOWS GHE CAN'T SAY ANYTHING TO THE OPOLICE. IF i'M WRONG ITY SOUND GOOD.lol
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Hi, MissCookie. That's a very good observation!
Thank you so much for continuing to follow this story. I appreciate your support and generosity.
Blessings, Bev
-
Your very welcome, until next time.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Bev, I seriously don't know how this just keeps getting more riveting! Suspense, intrigue, wonderful description and dialogue; this story's got it all, including 'the plot thickens'! :)
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
|
Bev, I seriously don't know how this just keeps getting more riveting! Suspense, intrigue, wonderful description and dialogue; this story's got it all, including 'the plot thickens'! :)
Comment Written 26-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Thank you so very much, Dawn. I appreciate your continued support and that lovely six stars! Your comments and encouragement mean so much. Hugs, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Complications, complications. This just keeps getting better and better.
Lots of good stuff in this post, Bev: The contrast between the child playing outside and the stress felt by Derek inside the station; the theory about Father Brian presented by Jana; the involvement of local law enforcement as well as Matthew Buell, the F.B.I, and Reservation Law Enforcement in the serial killings.
Two fixes:
-of the pastor[of] the Cathilic[Catholic] church the two
- about his neck[,] and his cheeks
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
|
Complications, complications. This just keeps getting better and better.
Lots of good stuff in this post, Bev: The contrast between the child playing outside and the stress felt by Derek inside the station; the theory about Father Brian presented by Jana; the involvement of local law enforcement as well as Matthew Buell, the F.B.I, and Reservation Law Enforcement in the serial killings.
Two fixes:
-of the pastor[of] the Cathilic[Catholic] church the two
- about his neck[,] and his cheeks
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
-
Thank you so much, Ellen. I am honored by your generosity and very encouraging review. Thank you for your support of my story and my writing. It means more than I can adequately say.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
Who is the third person in the church? Is Father Deshano harboring a dark secret? All these questions and more conspire to draw the reader deeper into the interplay. As to the piece, the alliteration in this line might be over the top a bit..."Symbiosis of solid skill and a strong sixth sense." A well crafted work with strong characters bouncing off each other.
Regards:
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
|
Who is the third person in the church? Is Father Deshano harboring a dark secret? All these questions and more conspire to draw the reader deeper into the interplay. As to the piece, the alliteration in this line might be over the top a bit..."Symbiosis of solid skill and a strong sixth sense." A well crafted work with strong characters bouncing off each other.
Regards:
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
-
Hi, Stephen. Thanks for pointing out the line, not difficult to temp down a bit. And I appreciate you taking time to read and review so generously. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from donaldww
The man had, apparently, come and gone like a fragment of errant fog.
(I quite like that line!!! That would make a perfect opening for a short story)
This story is has introduced a supernatural force as responsible for controlling the murderer's intentions. That's a great twist, and with a new dead body to contend with, the story is heating up.
Jana has her work cut out for her!
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
|
The man had, apparently, come and gone like a fragment of errant fog.
(I quite like that line!!! That would make a perfect opening for a short story)
This story is has introduced a supernatural force as responsible for controlling the murderer's intentions. That's a great twist, and with a new dead body to contend with, the story is heating up.
Jana has her work cut out for her!
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
-
Hi, Donald. Thanks so much for this generous review. I appreciate you taking time to read and offer your supporive insights! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Bev,
The chapter is interesting and engaging with a great deal of suspense and mystery. The story seems to pivot on the Debra Padget murder and with suspicions growing on Father Brian. The story flows well, and the dialogue between the characters is excellent. It will be interesting to see how things develop with so many different legal interests involved.
It is a good and challenging read.
Curtis
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
|
Bev,
The chapter is interesting and engaging with a great deal of suspense and mystery. The story seems to pivot on the Debra Padget murder and with suspicions growing on Father Brian. The story flows well, and the dialogue between the characters is excellent. It will be interesting to see how things develop with so many different legal interests involved.
It is a good and challenging read.
Curtis
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
-
Curtis, thank you so much for this wonderfully encouraging and generous review. I'm honored more than I can say. Warmest regrads, Bev
