Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Iyaope Moon"Murder Mystery
52 total reviews
Comment from J. Dark
This is fantastic writing with some spectacular detail, Bev. I loved the simile you used to described Ty's smile and the description of him that followed set my pulses fluttering too! The fight scene between the brothers was clearly and excitingly portrayed and I enjoyed the local dialogue which rooted the location and background of the story. Once again, I am both impressed and entertained.
Kindest of regards
Julie :-)
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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This is fantastic writing with some spectacular detail, Bev. I loved the simile you used to described Ty's smile and the description of him that followed set my pulses fluttering too! The fight scene between the brothers was clearly and excitingly portrayed and I enjoyed the local dialogue which rooted the location and background of the story. Once again, I am both impressed and entertained.
Kindest of regards
Julie :-)
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Hi, Julie. Thank you so much for this very generous and encouraging review. I especially appreciate you sharing your insights into what worked for you. You have truly made my day! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from JRCalhoun
I thought this to be an excellent chapter.There was only one part I read a few times trying to get the flow of how it was written to how I was reading it.I enjoyed that you put the English words right next to the Native American terms. I did not have to look them up which was nice. I also thought it was nice the way I figured out who some of the characters were in relation to one another with out you recapping half the book. I put my one suggestion below. I am new to fanstory and I look forward to reading this from the beginning.
"Yes, Sir. Be careful,[.] [H]hey?
I am reading "Be careful" as one statement and "hey" should be an after thought. In a way I feel that it is written as one thought. "hey"could be deleted and still keep the feeling that Luella is warning him.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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I thought this to be an excellent chapter.There was only one part I read a few times trying to get the flow of how it was written to how I was reading it.I enjoyed that you put the English words right next to the Native American terms. I did not have to look them up which was nice. I also thought it was nice the way I figured out who some of the characters were in relation to one another with out you recapping half the book. I put my one suggestion below. I am new to fanstory and I look forward to reading this from the beginning.
"Yes, Sir. Be careful,[.] [H]hey?
I am reading "Be careful" as one statement and "hey" should be an after thought. In a way I feel that it is written as one thought. "hey"could be deleted and still keep the feeling that Luella is warning him.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Hello, J.R. I am grateful you took the time to read this chapter. Your suggestion on that portion of dialogue is very good, and I will change acccordingly. There's always a mixed reaction to the use of parenthetical explanations following the dialect, I've actually used it both ways in this novel. But the main opinion remains it's easer for the reader to include it in the body of the text. So, I thank you for sharing that insight.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from mizzkris20
Your story is very interesting and grabbed my attention. It is very descriptive and your characters are realistic. I like that you show what happened on the previous chapter. It was easy to follow
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Your story is very interesting and grabbed my attention. It is very descriptive and your characters are realistic. I like that you show what happened on the previous chapter. It was easy to follow
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Hi, mizzkris. Thank you so much for stopping by to read. I appreciate your insights and generosity. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from BeasPeas
Having come in cold to your story, your recap at the beginning and cast of characters at the bottom helped a lot. However, the story line is interesting and easy to follow so even though I referred to them I probably would have done fine without them. The dialogue flowed and was believable. Characterization gave insight into them, so it was easy to keep relationships straight. Looking forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Having come in cold to your story, your recap at the beginning and cast of characters at the bottom helped a lot. However, the story line is interesting and easy to follow so even though I referred to them I probably would have done fine without them. The dialogue flowed and was believable. Characterization gave insight into them, so it was easy to keep relationships straight. Looking forward to reading more.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Thank you for taking time to read my chapter, BeasPeas. I am thrilled you found the chapter accessible and appreciate much your generous rating. Hope to see you again sometime! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"Derek turned toward Matthew, PLANED one leg and rested his ..." Did you mean to write "PLANTED"???
Good smooth prose, Bev. It seems to have been a while. I'm sure Ty is not a new character, but I seem to have a hard time remembering his story. Bound to happen, I guess. Too many novels, too long between posts. And I'm even worse than you. It's been almost a month.
Anyway, you still write with smooth prose, direct, no convoluted phrasing, good, clean writing. So the boys are kicking up dirt, uh? LOL! I enjoyed the dialogue. Well done, girl.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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"Derek turned toward Matthew, PLANED one leg and rested his ..." Did you mean to write "PLANTED"???
Good smooth prose, Bev. It seems to have been a while. I'm sure Ty is not a new character, but I seem to have a hard time remembering his story. Bound to happen, I guess. Too many novels, too long between posts. And I'm even worse than you. It's been almost a month.
Anyway, you still write with smooth prose, direct, no convoluted phrasing, good, clean writing. So the boys are kicking up dirt, uh? LOL! I enjoyed the dialogue. Well done, girl.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Thanks, Adrienne. I will correct pronto! Ty is a new character, but will be playing a role in what I hope will come off as a spectacular conclusion to my story. Thanks so much for your extreme generosity and continual support. It means so much to me.
And, yes, where the heck is that next chapter? I was just about to PM you to see if you are feeling okay. Hope that you are and have plans to put out a chapter this week?! hehehehe
Love ya, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Is this the first introduction of Tye in your story? Don't remember him. At any rate, he adds yet another interesting element that lures the reader in. Need to ask you something. Do you already have the stories progression in your head, or do you let your characters move it forward?
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Is this the first introduction of Tye in your story? Don't remember him. At any rate, he adds yet another interesting element that lures the reader in. Need to ask you something. Do you already have the stories progression in your head, or do you let your characters move it forward?
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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I've been letting the characters have their way with me LOL. The pieces seem quite disparate at this point, but I am beginning to bring my story full circle. I am by no means making a comparison of talent, but was very surprised to read an interview with Lee Child where he admitted that he is often as surprised by his endings as his readers. I DO have my ending clearly in mind and the fate of the main characters. Long winded answer and would love to hear what you think.
I really appreciate your generosity, Dallas. I am honored by your support and encouragement. BTW, Ty is a new character, but will play a huge part in the finale.
Bev
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The reason I asked, is that I am working on a short story and I find that instead of trying to orchestrate it all at once in my head, that it comes easier if I just sit down with the characters on stage and let it happen. I too have an ending in mind but am hitting a wall. I can't seem to be able to have success on a daily basis, so I have decided to just try, and if the characters don't want to cooperate, I let it go till the next attempt. I think maybe they know when I am tired and trying to force it.
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I forget, did we take Stacia Levy's horror class together? Anyway, this is the second time I'm taking her Short Story class. Each time I'm learning more. She's an intuitive writer and the classes have been helpful.
For what it's worth, I'll pass along what has been drummed into my head about short stories for whatever use if might be to you.
1. Make it a snapshot in time. 'Most short stories are confined in a short time period with two to three main characters.' (taken from recent class transcipt and direct quote of Stacia.
2. When I told her I was getting stuck on the whole of my class assignment, she suggested I take it from one logical step to another. The more sensory detail, the better, she feels. In the examples we've read for class, the setting is almost a character in itself.
3. Complicatons/Tension, climax and resolution are the basic elements of not only the shorts but novels. But in shorts they have to be progressed much more quickly.
I hope you don't mind my sharing that with you, but I have found that I need more structure than I realized when I started this novel. Next time, I'm going to switch to graphing out my chapters. I have an excellent resource to follow called the Plot Whisperer, including workbook.
Anyway, I really look forward to reading your short story when you get it posted, Dallas. I'm excited that you want to continue with your fine prose writing.
Warmest regards, Bev
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Thanks so much for the info. That may be my summer project. I am signed up now for another class with Alvin.Senyru. I think I was in the script writing class with you.
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Oh, yes, now I remember. Stacia is offering a couple of classes through the year. I think I may take her horror writing class again. She's a very good instructor. Good luck with Alvin, another super teacher. Glad if something I offered clicked with you, Dallas.
Have a great rest of the week.
Bev
Comment from Nanette Mary
Hullo Writingfundimension ....
Having read previous chapters of this story, I found this one interesting and look forward to what follows.
There are a few changes to recommend ...
* You have - What they fighting about? This should be -
What are they fighting about ...
* You have - empty liquor bottles he spied laying on the ground ... which should be - lying on the ground ....
* You have - while hurtling insults back and forth. This should be - while hurling insults ....
* You have - That how you feel about it, Russell? This should be ... Is that how you feel .....
* You have - There's old ways and then there's stupid.
I suggest - There are old ways and then there are stupid ways.
* I recommend that you delete the filthy, vulgar word which you have used and which detracts from this otherwise good writing.
* You have - No one, including personnel ... this should be - No-one, including......
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Hullo Writingfundimension ....
Having read previous chapters of this story, I found this one interesting and look forward to what follows.
There are a few changes to recommend ...
* You have - What they fighting about? This should be -
What are they fighting about ...
* You have - empty liquor bottles he spied laying on the ground ... which should be - lying on the ground ....
* You have - while hurtling insults back and forth. This should be - while hurling insults ....
* You have - That how you feel about it, Russell? This should be ... Is that how you feel .....
* You have - There's old ways and then there's stupid.
I suggest - There are old ways and then there are stupid ways.
* I recommend that you delete the filthy, vulgar word which you have used and which detracts from this otherwise good writing.
* You have - No one, including personnel ... this should be - No-one, including......
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Love from .... Nanette Mary.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Thank you for your very kind review, Nannette Mary. I appreciate your suggestions and insights. Your interest in my story is most encouraging. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Such a great, intriguing story, Bev - descriptions and
dialogue perfectly done.
For what its worth - it's
I'm tired of comin' out here and prying - if dropping the "g" off coming - don't you want to also drop it off prying and further on - warning.??
then there's stupid[.](,)" Ty shot back
Margaret
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Such a great, intriguing story, Bev - descriptions and
dialogue perfectly done.
For what its worth - it's
I'm tired of comin' out here and prying - if dropping the "g" off coming - don't you want to also drop it off prying and further on - warning.??
then there's stupid[.](,)" Ty shot back
Margaret
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much for your wonderfully encouraging review. I'm struggling a bit with dialect, so your suggestions are so appreciated. And the extra star has smiling! Much appreciate your generosity and support. Warmest regards, Bev
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great story, Bev - it's sometimes difficult when dropping "g"s or such for dialogue - to remember to carry it all the way through -- M
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That's very kind of you, Margaret. You are always so gracious. Xxx Bev
Comment from mikem45
A good read. The piece moves the reader from an everyday aspect of a enforcement officer's work; brokering peace in a family ("domestic") dispute to a point were there is a feed back into the main story-line of of (possible) kidnap and murder.
The piece is additionally interesting because although set in the USA it in fact is located within the boundaries of the Sioux Nation. Additional reader titivation is stimulated by reference to "the old ways" and the reticence of the police dispatcher to talk about the dead.
All of the characters have substance despite the brevity of their appearances in this particular skill and the dialogue is not stilted in the least.
I wasn't looking for punctuation errors but the possessive "uncle's" in para 4 should be a the simple plural "uncles"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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A good read. The piece moves the reader from an everyday aspect of a enforcement officer's work; brokering peace in a family ("domestic") dispute to a point were there is a feed back into the main story-line of of (possible) kidnap and murder.
The piece is additionally interesting because although set in the USA it in fact is located within the boundaries of the Sioux Nation. Additional reader titivation is stimulated by reference to "the old ways" and the reticence of the police dispatcher to talk about the dead.
All of the characters have substance despite the brevity of their appearances in this particular skill and the dialogue is not stilted in the least.
I wasn't looking for punctuation errors but the possessive "uncle's" in para 4 should be a the simple plural "uncles"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Thank you for your thorough review, Mike. I will change the possessive as you are the second one this morning to mention it. I appreciate you taking time to read. :0) Bev
Comment from Jean Lutz
Your vivid description of Ty sent me scrolling up to gaze on the fantastic artwork again -- connecting. Great to see another "moon" offering. If I had not already been following along with your story I think the comment from Matthew about his father working two jobs to educate him would have hooked me!
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Your vivid description of Ty sent me scrolling up to gaze on the fantastic artwork again -- connecting. Great to see another "moon" offering. If I had not already been following along with your story I think the comment from Matthew about his father working two jobs to educate him would have hooked me!
Comment Written 25-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Hi, Jean. Thank you so much for this generous and encouraging review. I really appreciate you taking time to read another chapter. Your support means a lot to me. Warm regards, Bev
