haiku (beneath the oak tree)
a seikatsu haiku57 total reviews
Comment from mshugh
Great imagery - playing jacks with acorns - do children still play jacks, I wonder? LOL - Brought back images of my c hildhood with that.
Well done
Michael
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Great imagery - playing jacks with acorns - do children still play jacks, I wonder? LOL - Brought back images of my c hildhood with that.
Well done
Michael
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Yes, line. Did you catch the allusion to loneliness and poverty in the child, or was that too subtle? Thanks for a great review.
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Go t that - the acorns - and being alone under the tree - very subtle
Michael
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Yes, very Japanese.
Comment from mumsyone
Hi Alvin,
I really had to smile at this one because I can imagine a little girl being creative enough to do this. I'm just a little confused about the form, though, since your haiku doesn't seem to have a break anywhere, and all three lines are connected? Does that have to do with the fact that it is a seikatsu haiku?
Lois
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Hi Alvin,
I really had to smile at this one because I can imagine a little girl being creative enough to do this. I'm just a little confused about the form, though, since your haiku doesn't seem to have a break anywhere, and all three lines are connected? Does that have to do with the fact that it is a seikatsu haiku?
Lois
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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No, read the poem slowly; you will hear a slight break between the second and third line. Did you catch the allusion to loneliness and poverty in the child, or was that too subtle? Thanks for a great review.
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Sorry I didn't get back to this until now. Yes, I certainly did catch the loneliness in the poem--being alone enough to have to make up her own game; and the poverty of having to use something like acorns to play jacks. But I have to admit that I still don't "hear" the break between the second and third line. To me, they flow together smoothly.
Comment from shelley kaye
i used pebbles ;)
this was a great haiku! could totally see that little girl (me? lol!) leaning against the tree and playing jacks.
excellent work! thank you for sharing it with us :-)
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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i used pebbles ;)
this was a great haiku! could totally see that little girl (me? lol!) leaning against the tree and playing jacks.
excellent work! thank you for sharing it with us :-)
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Did you catch the allusion to loneliness and poverty in the child, or was that too subtle? Thanks for a great review.
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poverty a little, but like i said, i used pebbles.... even though i had "real" jacks lol
loneliness, no. i just saw a little girl playing her favourite game :)
Comment from adewpearl
I don't normally review your poems but I'm commenting on this one for two reasons - first, I find the scene you create delightful - I just love the idea of this imaginative, resourceful child playing jacks with the acorns that fall from the tree
my second reason is to ask you a question
Am I to understand that you're saying it's acceptable to have a haiku that has all three lines grammatically connected? I sincerely have all kinds of problems following the rules of haiku, and I thought you taught you had to have a third line that was not connected to the first two - I am not asking this to criticize your poem. I am writing for information purposes because I really like your poem and want to know if I too can write a haiku that connects all three lines. Brooke
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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I don't normally review your poems but I'm commenting on this one for two reasons - first, I find the scene you create delightful - I just love the idea of this imaginative, resourceful child playing jacks with the acorns that fall from the tree
my second reason is to ask you a question
Am I to understand that you're saying it's acceptable to have a haiku that has all three lines grammatically connected? I sincerely have all kinds of problems following the rules of haiku, and I thought you taught you had to have a third line that was not connected to the first two - I am not asking this to criticize your poem. I am writing for information purposes because I really like your poem and want to know if I too can write a haiku that connects all three lines. Brooke
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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IF you read the poem slowly, you will (or at least I do) hear a break between the second and third line. Did you catch the allusion to loneliness and poverty in the child, or was that too subtle? Thanks for a great review.
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I don't catch the break
I didn't picture poverty - maybe because my yard and suburban neighborhood at lots of acorns and I loved to play with various things in nature as did the other kids, and we lived in a neighborhood that was not impoverished - I saw her using acorns not out of necessity but out of childhood resourcefulness and imagination - but that is because of the personal experiences I bring to the reading. Perhaps someone else would see her using the acorns out of necessity because she had no actual jacks. I also didn't see loneliness for the same reason. As an only child I often entertained myself, but then other parts of the day I played with all the neighborhood kids. That is the nature of poetry - we each bring our own experiences and outlooks on life to our reading. :-)
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Note the thematic change between the first two lines and the third line--to me that a causes a break when read aloud. Silently read I don't think you'll hear the break, but haiku are meant to be read aloud.
Comment from Gungalo
beneath the oak tree
sits a girl playing jacks
with acorns
Well it's good as far as I can see and it makes a point of seeing the girl who is playing jacks with acorns. Very good Al.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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beneath the oak tree
sits a girl playing jacks
with acorns
Well it's good as far as I can see and it makes a point of seeing the girl who is playing jacks with acorns. Very good Al.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Did you catch the emphasis on poverty in the poem or is it too subtle? Thanks for a great review.
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It's wayyyyyy to subtle.
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I guess I have become too Japanese in my writing...far too subtle.
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Yes I guess so. LOL
Comment from Glasstruth
This paints a beautiful picture in mind. Glad you didn't post it with one. At least it didn't disturb the one in my head. Simple and very visual. Thanks for sharing. Les
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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This paints a beautiful picture in mind. Glad you didn't post it with one. At least it didn't disturb the one in my head. Simple and very visual. Thanks for sharing. Les
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Candyjean
This is a perfect Haiku, 5-7-5. I,loved reading this and could relate, I love it when I can put myself into something I read. I used to pay jacks with anything laying around as long as I had a ball handy. Great job
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reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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This is a perfect Haiku, 5-7-5. I,loved reading this and could relate, I love it when I can put myself into something I read. I used to pay jacks with anything laying around as long as I had a ball handy. Great job
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
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Yes, thank you for a good review. I wanted to emphasize the loneliness and poverty of certain children. Did that come through or was it too understated? (If you are interested, I am teaching two introductory courses to Japanese poetry next month--they get us into the Japanese way of thinking.)
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Sorry, but I did not think on those terms, I am not a "deep" thinker I guess. But I did love it.
