The Curse of 'Gator Bayou
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Ride"A young Cajun girl struggles to survive.
7 total reviews
Comment from Gladness
Great story you're putting together here. I am enjoying reading it. I have just a couple of things to mention:
at the three ten dollar real bills. (At the the three real ten dollar bills.)You might want to reword this.
Avondale Marie Ways' (Is this right?) I just wondered.
Thanks for this fine story ;) Anita
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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Great story you're putting together here. I am enjoying reading it. I have just a couple of things to mention:
at the three ten dollar real bills. (At the the three real ten dollar bills.)You might want to reword this.
Avondale Marie Ways' (Is this right?) I just wondered.
Thanks for this fine story ;) Anita
Comment Written 03-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2013
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I think you are right with the wording sounding off for the real ten dollar bills. I will reword. Thanks
Just a typo, should be: Avondale Marine Ways.
Which by the way was a real place. My granddaddy worked there during the WWII in the ship yards. He lived in Bridge City.
Comment from Leen1
Another character of interest. Nice writing here, and it did hold my attention. Of course, with the character going through so much to get employment makes the reader questions as to what will be her next steps. You've drawn the reader in. Great job!~
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Another character of interest. Nice writing here, and it did hold my attention. Of course, with the character going through so much to get employment makes the reader questions as to what will be her next steps. You've drawn the reader in. Great job!~
Comment Written 24-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Thank you Leen1 for reading my story and the great review. I am glad you are enjoying it. Yes, I think it would be rather hard to find a job without a SScard, birth certificate, and only 17...even in war time. Read on, you will find she finds herself in a rather unique job. :o)
Comment from reconciled
Hey Jo...-smile- Great story...I'm on my way to New Orleans myself...I've got a waltz to attend..-smile- I hitch hiked when i was a teen...but I wouldn't advise women to do that...hm hmm...nope. Great read love you Michael
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Hey Jo...-smile- Great story...I'm on my way to New Orleans myself...I've got a waltz to attend..-smile- I hitch hiked when i was a teen...but I wouldn't advise women to do that...hm hmm...nope. Great read love you Michael
Comment Written 22-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2013
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Have fun in the Big Easy. I'm glad you got a chance to read my story and liked it. It gets better. Of course, I'm not so good with writing the romantic stuff like you (you are a true romantic)...but I'm trying. :o)
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I do big easy...well never fear....-smile- just fly....-wink- huh?...lmbo-
Comment from BethShelby
Marie certainly lucked out the first time. I'm surprised the sailors were so generous and considerate of her. Maybe hitchhiking wasn't quite as dangerous back then but the men gave her good advice. I'm not surprised she had no paperwork. SSnumber hadn't been used that long and a bayou birth without a doctor probably wouldn't have required a birth certificate.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Marie certainly lucked out the first time. I'm surprised the sailors were so generous and considerate of her. Maybe hitchhiking wasn't quite as dangerous back then but the men gave her good advice. I'm not surprised she had no paperwork. SSnumber hadn't been used that long and a bayou birth without a doctor probably wouldn't have required a birth certificate.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Without the ss# it sure makes it hard to get a job where she's going but Marie is very resourceful and lucky as you said. Thanks BethShelby for continuing with my story.
Comment from Treischel
A very well written and intriguing tale about this little bayou lass. The ride with the sailors was so great when she got the money. The stop at the office was so disappointing and a portend of further problems to come. A good read. Really held my interest.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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A very well written and intriguing tale about this little bayou lass. The ride with the sailors was so great when she got the money. The stop at the office was so disappointing and a portend of further problems to come. A good read. Really held my interest.
Comment Written 22-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Thank you Treischel for reviewing my story. I am glad you liked it. It needs a lot of work. I'm learning so much. Yes, she does get into a lot hotter water. :o)
Comment from beccabootie123
well done, really enjoyed reading the piece but she learned nothing back to thumbing a ride. formatted well. language bits true to origin and made the read realistic. not too long so appreciated. good story and message thank you
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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well done, really enjoyed reading the piece but she learned nothing back to thumbing a ride. formatted well. language bits true to origin and made the read realistic. not too long so appreciated. good story and message thank you
Comment Written 22-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Thank yo beccabootie for the kind review of my work. I'm like you I don't mind reviewing stories but I like each one to not be too long. :o)
Comment from LaDonnaCole
Chapter 5 The Ride
Marie paddled her pirogue in the drizzling rain all the way to Houma. From there the plan was to leave it for Armon to pick up later. She would walk to US 90 and then hitch a ride to New Orleans. Marie had not thought about the gas rationing and that there might not be much travel on the highway. "It don' madder if I hav to walk all de way to New Orleans I'm goin' to git dere." Marie said aloud trying to build her own confidence.
Just then she saw a dark blue 1939 Studebaker coming towards her. This is it... Marie thought. She stuck out her thumb and stepped closer to the pavement in her bare feet.
"Hey Tom ,what's that up yonder in the road...looks like a drowned Nutria...you know one of those damn big rats they have in these swamps." Bill laughed. (whoa, jolting switch in point of view)
"No, I think it's a girl..." Richard said.
"Yeah, I think it is...I'm going to stop." Tom replied. "Bill roll down your window. Hey girl, you needin' a ride?" Tom asked.
"Yes, I do." Marie ran up to the door and looked in. Inside she saw three young navy boys in their white uniforms. She didn't know anything about service men but she had to take a chance...this might be the only ride that comes (came) along today and it was a long fifty seven miles to New Orleans if she had to walk all the way.
"Get out Bill and let this little lady scoot right on over here beside me." Tom motioned to Bill with a sweeping gesture.
Bill slid out and Marie slid in between the two young sailors. (enter)
"Whoa girl! You are soaking wet. You been out in this rain all morning?" Bill asked.
Richard from the backseat piped in "Well, I don't mind a little water little girl...(don't over use elipses, it disrupts the flow and pacing) you can come sit back here with me."
"No, she's just fine where she's at...you're too much of a wolf to let this fine little lamb sit with you." Tom replied smiling. "Where you going and what's your name?" Tom looked over at Marie.
"Marie, my name is Marie(use a comma here)." Marie (she) shuddered. "I'm goin' to New Orleans to git a job."
"Well, there sure is a lot of work for women now." Bill chimed in. "Hey, you probably can get a job in Avondale. They have a shipyard there. My uncles' wife has worked there since the war began. She lives in Bridge City not too far from the yards."
"Avondale is on our way...we'll be going right through it on our way back to the base in New Orleans. We'll drop you off at the yard." Tom said.
"Merci, thank you, thank you very much." Marie replied.
"You got any money, girl?" Richard asked.
"What the hell you asking her that?" Bill interjected.
"I just wanted to know. It doesn't look like she has much money. You guys might not ever have guessed it...but I've been down on my luck before. I know what it's like to be broke with no job and no where to stay." Richard said. "Here I've got a sawbuck you can have...no strings.(need space here again too many dot dot dots)"Richard reached across the seat and handed her the ten dollar bill. "What about the rest of you lugs...got any money?"
Tom and Bill both dummied up a sawbuck each from their pockets.
"That'll give you at least enough money to get a few meals and board (need and apostrophe)til you can get that first paycheck" Richard said.
"Man, I never knew you were such a kind sort." Bill teased.
"I don't let you guys know all my business." Richard settled back in his seat and pretended to go to sleep.
The Studebaker got quiet as Tom drove the rest of the way to Avondale. Marie couldn't believe how lucky she had been to hitch a ride so soon and with these nice sailors. She wondered if all sailors were this nice. Soon the quietness of the car and the motion lulled her to sleep. She awoke abruptly when the car stopped.
"Wake up Marie...we're in Avondale...(too much ...)end of the road for you." Tom said shaking Marie.
"Oh, I must hav fell asleep." Marie woke rubbing her eyes. "Thank you so much...all of you for being so kind to me."
Richard roused himself and sat straight up in the back seat and looked Marie full in the eyes. "Just one little thing little lady...don't you EVER take another ride with three sailors again. You hear me...we ain't all nice guys. We could have raped and killed you and no one would have been the wiser. You remember what I'm telling you."
"I will, I will, I promise." Marie got out of the car. "Thank you again."
"Goodbye little girl." Tom and Bill joined in.
Then they were gone as fast as they had appeared. Marie stood looking down the highway and thought maybe they weren't real...maybe three angels were sent by God to help her. But no they weren't angels. She looked down to her hands at the three ten dollar real bills. More money than she had ever seen at one time in her life. "I'll be okay." She said aloud to herself. "Now I just got to git myself a job."
Across the highway Marie could see the large black and white sign with Avondale Marie Ways(need to enclose this in Quotation marks or bracket by commas, something to make it stand out from the sentence) painted in blocked blue letters. The office was a smallish white board building in front of the chain link fenced off yard leading to the huge metal and wood building of the shipyard. Marie sat down on a large rock beside the road and put Mr. Terrebonne's old worn boots on; smoothed her now dried flour sack dress and started out for the office.
"Whatcha want little lady?" a very fat bald man sat behind a very small desk just inside the door.
"I'm looking for a job." Marie replied sheepishly. "Are you hiring?"
"Well, it depends. How old are ya?" the man behind the desk opened a drawer and got out an application. "Sit down here and fill out this application. I'll need to see your social security card."
"I'm seventeen and I don' know what is dat security thang you ask about." Marie replied.
"You got to have a social security card before you can work young lady. You'll need to take your birth certificate down to the government offices and they'll issue you a card so you can work."
"I'm sorry mister but I don' hav one of those birth thangs either. I was born at home in LaFourche Parish the oldest of my mama's children."
"Well missy, it seems we can't even think about hiring you until you get your paperwork in order. Come back when you do."
Marie left the office and walked out onto the highway again. I'll git myself to New Orleans...dare will be work for me dare. She thought to herself. She stuck out her thumb and began to try to hitch another ride.
(lands she is brave or ignorant, probably a little of both. Good read going here. Keep it up.)
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Chapter 5 The Ride
Marie paddled her pirogue in the drizzling rain all the way to Houma. From there the plan was to leave it for Armon to pick up later. She would walk to US 90 and then hitch a ride to New Orleans. Marie had not thought about the gas rationing and that there might not be much travel on the highway. "It don' madder if I hav to walk all de way to New Orleans I'm goin' to git dere." Marie said aloud trying to build her own confidence.
Just then she saw a dark blue 1939 Studebaker coming towards her. This is it... Marie thought. She stuck out her thumb and stepped closer to the pavement in her bare feet.
"Hey Tom ,what's that up yonder in the road...looks like a drowned Nutria...you know one of those damn big rats they have in these swamps." Bill laughed. (whoa, jolting switch in point of view)
"No, I think it's a girl..." Richard said.
"Yeah, I think it is...I'm going to stop." Tom replied. "Bill roll down your window. Hey girl, you needin' a ride?" Tom asked.
"Yes, I do." Marie ran up to the door and looked in. Inside she saw three young navy boys in their white uniforms. She didn't know anything about service men but she had to take a chance...this might be the only ride that comes (came) along today and it was a long fifty seven miles to New Orleans if she had to walk all the way.
"Get out Bill and let this little lady scoot right on over here beside me." Tom motioned to Bill with a sweeping gesture.
Bill slid out and Marie slid in between the two young sailors. (enter)
"Whoa girl! You are soaking wet. You been out in this rain all morning?" Bill asked.
Richard from the backseat piped in "Well, I don't mind a little water little girl...(don't over use elipses, it disrupts the flow and pacing) you can come sit back here with me."
"No, she's just fine where she's at...you're too much of a wolf to let this fine little lamb sit with you." Tom replied smiling. "Where you going and what's your name?" Tom looked over at Marie.
"Marie, my name is Marie(use a comma here)." Marie (she) shuddered. "I'm goin' to New Orleans to git a job."
"Well, there sure is a lot of work for women now." Bill chimed in. "Hey, you probably can get a job in Avondale. They have a shipyard there. My uncles' wife has worked there since the war began. She lives in Bridge City not too far from the yards."
"Avondale is on our way...we'll be going right through it on our way back to the base in New Orleans. We'll drop you off at the yard." Tom said.
"Merci, thank you, thank you very much." Marie replied.
"You got any money, girl?" Richard asked.
"What the hell you asking her that?" Bill interjected.
"I just wanted to know. It doesn't look like she has much money. You guys might not ever have guessed it...but I've been down on my luck before. I know what it's like to be broke with no job and no where to stay." Richard said. "Here I've got a sawbuck you can have...no strings.(need space here again too many dot dot dots)"Richard reached across the seat and handed her the ten dollar bill. "What about the rest of you lugs...got any money?"
Tom and Bill both dummied up a sawbuck each from their pockets.
"That'll give you at least enough money to get a few meals and board (need and apostrophe)til you can get that first paycheck" Richard said.
"Man, I never knew you were such a kind sort." Bill teased.
"I don't let you guys know all my business." Richard settled back in his seat and pretended to go to sleep.
The Studebaker got quiet as Tom drove the rest of the way to Avondale. Marie couldn't believe how lucky she had been to hitch a ride so soon and with these nice sailors. She wondered if all sailors were this nice. Soon the quietness of the car and the motion lulled her to sleep. She awoke abruptly when the car stopped.
"Wake up Marie...we're in Avondale...(too much ...)end of the road for you." Tom said shaking Marie.
"Oh, I must hav fell asleep." Marie woke rubbing her eyes. "Thank you so much...all of you for being so kind to me."
Richard roused himself and sat straight up in the back seat and looked Marie full in the eyes. "Just one little thing little lady...don't you EVER take another ride with three sailors again. You hear me...we ain't all nice guys. We could have raped and killed you and no one would have been the wiser. You remember what I'm telling you."
"I will, I will, I promise." Marie got out of the car. "Thank you again."
"Goodbye little girl." Tom and Bill joined in.
Then they were gone as fast as they had appeared. Marie stood looking down the highway and thought maybe they weren't real...maybe three angels were sent by God to help her. But no they weren't angels. She looked down to her hands at the three ten dollar real bills. More money than she had ever seen at one time in her life. "I'll be okay." She said aloud to herself. "Now I just got to git myself a job."
Across the highway Marie could see the large black and white sign with Avondale Marie Ways(need to enclose this in Quotation marks or bracket by commas, something to make it stand out from the sentence) painted in blocked blue letters. The office was a smallish white board building in front of the chain link fenced off yard leading to the huge metal and wood building of the shipyard. Marie sat down on a large rock beside the road and put Mr. Terrebonne's old worn boots on; smoothed her now dried flour sack dress and started out for the office.
"Whatcha want little lady?" a very fat bald man sat behind a very small desk just inside the door.
"I'm looking for a job." Marie replied sheepishly. "Are you hiring?"
"Well, it depends. How old are ya?" the man behind the desk opened a drawer and got out an application. "Sit down here and fill out this application. I'll need to see your social security card."
"I'm seventeen and I don' know what is dat security thang you ask about." Marie replied.
"You got to have a social security card before you can work young lady. You'll need to take your birth certificate down to the government offices and they'll issue you a card so you can work."
"I'm sorry mister but I don' hav one of those birth thangs either. I was born at home in LaFourche Parish the oldest of my mama's children."
"Well missy, it seems we can't even think about hiring you until you get your paperwork in order. Come back when you do."
Marie left the office and walked out onto the highway again. I'll git myself to New Orleans...dare will be work for me dare. She thought to herself. She stuck out her thumb and began to try to hitch another ride.
(lands she is brave or ignorant, probably a little of both. Good read going here. Keep it up.)
Comment Written 22-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2013
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Thank you LaDonnaCole for taking so much time to review my work. I truly appreciate your help. I copied your notes and will be going back and correcting. I'm striving for a five from you. :o)
