First Pitch
Not your ordinary baseball story30 total reviews
Comment from Muffins
I just stumbled onto this and read it with a smile on my face. 2 unforgettable kids, and emotion intense story with a happy ending. This theme of conquering adversity is perfect for middle school kids to read and learn from.
reply by the author on 16-May-2014
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I just stumbled onto this and read it with a smile on my face. 2 unforgettable kids, and emotion intense story with a happy ending. This theme of conquering adversity is perfect for middle school kids to read and learn from.
Comment Written 16-May-2014
reply by the author on 16-May-2014
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Thank you Muffins for going back in my portfolio. "First Pitch" is one of my favorite stories I wrote. I'm working on another baseball story, (hopefully a book), so please be on the look-out.
Always appreciated... John
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi John,
Your story is fabulous, and so well-written. Of all your stories, this one stands out the most. What shines is your knowledge of baseball, and also your characters. Randy's struggles, his family's support, his own resilience and will to fight. I would definitely expand this into a book. You've hit on a perfect age market. Books for boys are always in demand, and I don't know any kid who doesn't love baseball. Your story has it all. Well done!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013
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Hi John,
Your story is fabulous, and so well-written. Of all your stories, this one stands out the most. What shines is your knowledge of baseball, and also your characters. Randy's struggles, his family's support, his own resilience and will to fight. I would definitely expand this into a book. You've hit on a perfect age market. Books for boys are always in demand, and I don't know any kid who doesn't love baseball. Your story has it all. Well done!
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 13-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2013
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Rosalyne, thank you. I get myself all bogged down writing about so many things, my dogs, my grandchildren, opinions and whatever. I think your review may have put me over the top. Thank you for such great encouraging words... (and for the six star award) John
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Hi John,
So well deserved! I really hope you turn this into a book. You have a wonderful voice and expression in this story!
Bye :)
Comment from Linda Lee
At your request, I came to take a peek.
Overall, this is a strong opening chapter for a novel. The boys are well defined, the situation is both clear and sadly endearing, and having read the other short of yours, I can see now where the novel might be going with Boone.
I have a couple of suggestions that might make it an even stronger read.
Your paragraphs, while largely written, might be stronger if you considered breaking some of them up. Not only does white space help a reader's eyes, but the chance for reader retention is greater and lastly, the overall pacing will improve too.
Here is your open: The summer of 2009 had promises of being quite idyllic for Randy and Trevor McCoy. Homework made its exodus from their vocabulary, girls began to turn boys' heads, baseball graced the back pages of the daily tabloid, and Mom let them play Grand Theft Auto IV, at any time. Randy, a baseball fanatic, was selected to attend a baseball camp sponsored by the Pawtucket Pioneers, a minor league affiliate of the Kansas City Regals, and Trevor spent the better part of the summer days pining over Emma Stone, the girl with golden hair who lives down the road. Life couldn't have been any better for these ten-year old twin brothers who have been inseparable best friends since they high-fived each other while in the womb.
Here is my example:
The summer of 2009 held promises of being quite idyllic for twins, Randy and Trevor McCoy.
Homework made its exodus from their vocabulary, girls began to turn boys' heads, baseball graced the back pages of the daily tabloid, and Mom let them play Grand Theft Auto IV, at any time.
Randy, a baseball fanatic, was selected to attend a baseball camp sponsored by the Pawtucket Pioneers, a minor league affiliate of the Kansas City Regals.
Trevor spent the better part of the summer pining over Emma Stone, the girl with golden hair who lives down the road.
Life couldn't have been any better for these ten-year old twin brothers who have been inseparable best friends since they high-fived each other while in the womb.
***********
If you inserted the word 'twins' before their names, you would immediately ground the reader. It's obvious they're brothers, but we don't know they're twins until the end of the paragraph.
If you do this, the mental take-away for the reader will be:
Establishment of 2 brothers.
mental rest
Info about their daily life
mental rest
Brother 1, Randy
mental rest
Brother 2, Trevor
mental rest
Summary of the establishment.
Vs.
Establishment, info about their life, brother 1, brother 2, summary.
Which do you think will produce the best retention?
Your sentence: His face grimaced and his frame went down in a heap ...
Remove the elipses. There isn't anything lingering there. You expressly stated he went down in a heap. Also, if you want the line before it to be stronger, remove the word 'frame' and just say he went down in a heap.
The para beginning with: The Orthopedic specialist--suggest moving the dialogue down to it's own new line. Not only will that make it easier to take in, but having it come right after the line about the doctor, would mentally suggest to the reader that the doctor is uttering it at first.
That entire paragraph could also be broken up for clarity.
Example:
The Orthopedic specialist said that Randy's growth plate popped and after a few weeks of rest he should be his exuberant self once again.
"Do you think I can play fall baseball, Dad?" Randy asked. "I was really learning that slide stuff, and anyway, the Doc said I should be fine in a few weeks."
Randy lay in bed dreaming of his return to baseball. He loved the game so much; he wore his catcher's mitt and mask daily. Much to his Mom's dismay, he sometimes played catch by throwing a rubber ball against the wall in his room, catching it on the rebound.
****************
Can you feel the difference a little formatting gives it?
Overall, the chapter is largely excellent. The story is strong, the establishment well handled and the emotional wrapping up is great. With a little more care to how you format it with a readers retention in mind, the better it will be in my opinion.
I hope this review is of some use to you. Good luck!
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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At your request, I came to take a peek.
Overall, this is a strong opening chapter for a novel. The boys are well defined, the situation is both clear and sadly endearing, and having read the other short of yours, I can see now where the novel might be going with Boone.
I have a couple of suggestions that might make it an even stronger read.
Your paragraphs, while largely written, might be stronger if you considered breaking some of them up. Not only does white space help a reader's eyes, but the chance for reader retention is greater and lastly, the overall pacing will improve too.
Here is your open: The summer of 2009 had promises of being quite idyllic for Randy and Trevor McCoy. Homework made its exodus from their vocabulary, girls began to turn boys' heads, baseball graced the back pages of the daily tabloid, and Mom let them play Grand Theft Auto IV, at any time. Randy, a baseball fanatic, was selected to attend a baseball camp sponsored by the Pawtucket Pioneers, a minor league affiliate of the Kansas City Regals, and Trevor spent the better part of the summer days pining over Emma Stone, the girl with golden hair who lives down the road. Life couldn't have been any better for these ten-year old twin brothers who have been inseparable best friends since they high-fived each other while in the womb.
Here is my example:
The summer of 2009 held promises of being quite idyllic for twins, Randy and Trevor McCoy.
Homework made its exodus from their vocabulary, girls began to turn boys' heads, baseball graced the back pages of the daily tabloid, and Mom let them play Grand Theft Auto IV, at any time.
Randy, a baseball fanatic, was selected to attend a baseball camp sponsored by the Pawtucket Pioneers, a minor league affiliate of the Kansas City Regals.
Trevor spent the better part of the summer pining over Emma Stone, the girl with golden hair who lives down the road.
Life couldn't have been any better for these ten-year old twin brothers who have been inseparable best friends since they high-fived each other while in the womb.
***********
If you inserted the word 'twins' before their names, you would immediately ground the reader. It's obvious they're brothers, but we don't know they're twins until the end of the paragraph.
If you do this, the mental take-away for the reader will be:
Establishment of 2 brothers.
mental rest
Info about their daily life
mental rest
Brother 1, Randy
mental rest
Brother 2, Trevor
mental rest
Summary of the establishment.
Vs.
Establishment, info about their life, brother 1, brother 2, summary.
Which do you think will produce the best retention?
Your sentence: His face grimaced and his frame went down in a heap ...
Remove the elipses. There isn't anything lingering there. You expressly stated he went down in a heap. Also, if you want the line before it to be stronger, remove the word 'frame' and just say he went down in a heap.
The para beginning with: The Orthopedic specialist--suggest moving the dialogue down to it's own new line. Not only will that make it easier to take in, but having it come right after the line about the doctor, would mentally suggest to the reader that the doctor is uttering it at first.
That entire paragraph could also be broken up for clarity.
Example:
The Orthopedic specialist said that Randy's growth plate popped and after a few weeks of rest he should be his exuberant self once again.
"Do you think I can play fall baseball, Dad?" Randy asked. "I was really learning that slide stuff, and anyway, the Doc said I should be fine in a few weeks."
Randy lay in bed dreaming of his return to baseball. He loved the game so much; he wore his catcher's mitt and mask daily. Much to his Mom's dismay, he sometimes played catch by throwing a rubber ball against the wall in his room, catching it on the rebound.
****************
Can you feel the difference a little formatting gives it?
Overall, the chapter is largely excellent. The story is strong, the establishment well handled and the emotional wrapping up is great. With a little more care to how you format it with a readers retention in mind, the better it will be in my opinion.
I hope this review is of some use to you. Good luck!
Comment Written 26-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2013
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Linda, I never expected such an in depth review. Thank you so so much. I copied it and sm going to read and understand ehstvuoubsaid, thanks once again z., John
Comment from Rondeno
This is a moving and uplifting story. You write with easy fluency, and the pace of the narrative is just right. Very well done indeed.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2013
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This is a moving and uplifting story. You write with easy fluency, and the pace of the narrative is just right. Very well done indeed.
Comment Written 15-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2013
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Rondeno. Thank you very much. Much appreciated. John
Comment from deb552
I think you've once again displayed your talent for story writing. Your opening catches the reader's attention right off the bat......(pun intended,) and holds it throughout. The dialogue is totally believable, and I love the relationship within the family. It does sound like a real family. The brothers have just the right amount of sibling interaction, without it sounding over done. You create great images that make it easy to picture what is happening in different 'scenes.' Your ending is wonderful and I hate to admit it brought tears to my eyes, but I shall. That's a GOOD thing. WELL DONE! This could be a great story for the age group you mention in the author notes, and maybe no reason to change the twist ending because it shows that this 'kid' was able to get past all the rough times and come out ok as an adult. I think that's a great message for kids and they'd get it at that age. GO FOR IT!!!!!!!
No 6's left but deserved! deb
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2013
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I think you've once again displayed your talent for story writing. Your opening catches the reader's attention right off the bat......(pun intended,) and holds it throughout. The dialogue is totally believable, and I love the relationship within the family. It does sound like a real family. The brothers have just the right amount of sibling interaction, without it sounding over done. You create great images that make it easy to picture what is happening in different 'scenes.' Your ending is wonderful and I hate to admit it brought tears to my eyes, but I shall. That's a GOOD thing. WELL DONE! This could be a great story for the age group you mention in the author notes, and maybe no reason to change the twist ending because it shows that this 'kid' was able to get past all the rough times and come out ok as an adult. I think that's a great message for kids and they'd get it at that age. GO FOR IT!!!!!!!
No 6's left but deserved! deb
Comment Written 15-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2013
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That's one helluva review GFO... Thanks for all the input. I am copying it to a file I set up to move forward with the story.
I appreciate it very much as you know. JohnnyD
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my pleasure Jersey, 'tis a great story. like i think i mentioned, you may, from what people have told me, want to check out self-publishing ebooks. i guess it costs almost nothing and if you do it thru amazon, it then gets to other online bookstores. the money u make, is more about the quantity you sell, because the books are much less than a regular book. one of my acquaintances i guess has done it with some short stories, and i need to call him. he can be a tad bit 'over the top' at times so i have to be in the mood to talk to him. i'll let you know when i do so i can get more of the details.
nicely written my friend! GFO
now about you teaching me to pitch......LOL!!!!!
Comment from kashmayank
I liked the structure of the story a nice flow and a smooth read that increased the appeal length was also perfect all the best
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2013
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I liked the structure of the story a nice flow and a smooth read that increased the appeal length was also perfect all the best
Comment Written 15-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2013
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Thank you very much for the positiveness of the review. John
Comment from katie tipton
This was a great story. I would not change anything about it. I really think people need to be more aware of things like pediatric cancer. Most people think it's only in adults. I love that the main character never gives up hope and follows his dream as long as he can. Well done!
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2013
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This was a great story. I would not change anything about it. I really think people need to be more aware of things like pediatric cancer. Most people think it's only in adults. I love that the main character never gives up hope and follows his dream as long as he can. Well done!
Comment Written 14-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2013
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Thank you so much Katie for this uplifting review. John
Comment from jetmichelle
This is a great story to read as an adult. I have a 9 year old and a 14 year old. I think the 14 year old might like it but the 9 year old would find the topic very mature and heavy. Just my thoughts.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2013
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This is a great story to read as an adult. I have a 9 year old and a 14 year old. I think the 14 year old might like it but the 9 year old would find the topic very mature and heavy. Just my thoughts.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2013
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Thank you Michelle for the review. I appreciate the insight about the various age groups for the book. I'm debating which way to go, which may be determined when I actually put the pencil to the paper. John
Comment from L. Sherman
What a heartwarming story. Cancer is a very delicate topic to cover and I applaud anyone who can write it into a story so compassionately. I don't think people can ever find out enough about the disease and I think, for that reason, most of all, this would make an excellent book. Awareness needs to be spread, an it would be a great way for young children to learn about becoming involved in charities and non profits involved in research. It can be inspirational, educational and besides all of that, a good read. What's not to love? I say go for it.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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What a heartwarming story. Cancer is a very delicate topic to cover and I applaud anyone who can write it into a story so compassionately. I don't think people can ever find out enough about the disease and I think, for that reason, most of all, this would make an excellent book. Awareness needs to be spread, an it would be a great way for young children to learn about becoming involved in charities and non profits involved in research. It can be inspirational, educational and besides all of that, a good read. What's not to love? I say go for it.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Thank you Lisa. I like that: just go for it! I agree with everything you wrote. I've gotten so many good ideas from writers reviews on my story, it's fantastic. Thank you for your time and input. John
Comment from barkingdog
You had me with this line: ' ...inseparable best friends since they high-fived each other while in the womb.' I can see the sonogram. LOL
Wonderful, story of courage through the hardest of times. Talking about cancer in an honest way is not easy to do. You have shown us that his spirit survived even if his hip didn't. What's a hip? His life went on and so did his love for baseball. I like that he became a coach.
This could be a great movie. It sounds real, not like fiction at all.
I'm out of sixes but this one deserved one.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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You had me with this line: ' ...inseparable best friends since they high-fived each other while in the womb.' I can see the sonogram. LOL
Wonderful, story of courage through the hardest of times. Talking about cancer in an honest way is not easy to do. You have shown us that his spirit survived even if his hip didn't. What's a hip? His life went on and so did his love for baseball. I like that he became a coach.
This could be a great movie. It sounds real, not like fiction at all.
I'm out of sixes but this one deserved one.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2013
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Your words and desire to give me a six star are all I need. Thank you so much for this great review. I most appreciate it . John
