Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "A Hoka Moon, Pt. 1"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
Great flow that dragged me straight in.
Your righting is sharp and on the money, and paints great pictures.
Few examples of great prose for me:
The owl eyes went back and forth between the detective and the badge...
The smell of layered grease hung in the air.
A smile edged out his frown.
You had one passive sentence in there; [Peering through the gap was a man with thick-lensed glasses.] Active would be, [A man with thick-lenses glasses peered through the gap.]
I shall definitely be looking for more of this.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Great flow that dragged me straight in.
Your righting is sharp and on the money, and paints great pictures.
Few examples of great prose for me:
The owl eyes went back and forth between the detective and the badge...
The smell of layered grease hung in the air.
A smile edged out his frown.
You had one passive sentence in there; [Peering through the gap was a man with thick-lensed glasses.] Active would be, [A man with thick-lenses glasses peered through the gap.]
I shall definitely be looking for more of this.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Karen, thank you so much for this very generous and helpful review. I'm still learning the mechanics, so your pointing out that section and the passive voice is extremely appreciated. Great hearing from you! Warmest regards, Bev
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My pleasure.
Comment from nor84
OK, coming in at chapter 29 I won't know the story or the characters, but I'll offer what help I can.
Skeets Epstein. Good, original name.
Good character description when he thinks about how fat the cat is and looks at himself.
It would be a good idea to use "Epstein" or "Skeets" (without changing between them) in narration after the fact he's a detective has been announced, except that people might address him as 'detective.' Why? Because 'Detective' tends to get repetitive.
Do you recall seeing anyone unusual, fitting that description, on the day of the murder?">>>I think this sentence flows better with no commas at all.
pickup, meaning a vehicle, doesn't have to be hyphenated.
If the driver of that car (pickup) is the murderer, you may
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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OK, coming in at chapter 29 I won't know the story or the characters, but I'll offer what help I can.
Skeets Epstein. Good, original name.
Good character description when he thinks about how fat the cat is and looks at himself.
It would be a good idea to use "Epstein" or "Skeets" (without changing between them) in narration after the fact he's a detective has been announced, except that people might address him as 'detective.' Why? Because 'Detective' tends to get repetitive.
Do you recall seeing anyone unusual, fitting that description, on the day of the murder?">>>I think this sentence flows better with no commas at all.
pickup, meaning a vehicle, doesn't have to be hyphenated.
If the driver of that car (pickup) is the murderer, you may
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hi, nor84. Thank you for this extremely helpful review. I'm glad to get your insight into the consistent use of the name. It's a question I really didn't know where to get an answer for. I appreciate you reading my chapter and your generous review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Jean Lutz
It has been awhile since I read a chapter of your story. I was able to pick right up again. This one was a favorite since I am over seventy and try to stay away from what I call the medical industry. Great to see you again.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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It has been awhile since I read a chapter of your story. I was able to pick right up again. This one was a favorite since I am over seventy and try to stay away from what I call the medical industry. Great to see you again.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hiya, Jean. Great to see you again, too. I really mean that. There's a lot happening on the site, and I appreciate you taking time to read my chapter. Thank you, also, for this super encouraging review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from jjstar
Excellent as always. I don't know if it's the frame of mind I'm in today, but I always notice with your writing, the connections I make with the characters. In this case it was the cop not wanting to hassle ol' Frankie. The inner thoughts were just spot on and added so much to the story. Of course, as an amateur sleuth who likes to solve every mystery before anyone else, ol' Frankie character and description would have made him a top priority on my list of suspects..lol..I've been watching way too many episodes of Criminal Minds..hahahaha
Outstanding..sorry...out of sixes..:(
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Excellent as always. I don't know if it's the frame of mind I'm in today, but I always notice with your writing, the connections I make with the characters. In this case it was the cop not wanting to hassle ol' Frankie. The inner thoughts were just spot on and added so much to the story. Of course, as an amateur sleuth who likes to solve every mystery before anyone else, ol' Frankie character and description would have made him a top priority on my list of suspects..lol..I've been watching way too many episodes of Criminal Minds..hahahaha
Outstanding..sorry...out of sixes..:(
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hi, JJ. Thank you so much for taking time to read and review so generously, my friend. I worked at 'beefing' up the descriptions, so I'm pleased that you noticed. Your insights are great and your virtual six touches my heart. Thank you! Hugs, Bev
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I did notice, actually...loved it! You're very welcome! :)
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:0) xxx
Comment from vickib
Bev this is the first time I've read a chapter in this book and I was so pleasantly surprised that I could enjoy it so much with just this one chapter. You made me laugh quite a few times. The kick was the opening lines with the fat cat and him buttoning up his jacket. Lol! And then shooting a target when he's blind as a bat. Great personalities in each came through, I kinda like gruff old guys. I'd like to find time to start from the start now.
Super!
XO
Vicki
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Bev this is the first time I've read a chapter in this book and I was so pleasantly surprised that I could enjoy it so much with just this one chapter. You made me laugh quite a few times. The kick was the opening lines with the fat cat and him buttoning up his jacket. Lol! And then shooting a target when he's blind as a bat. Great personalities in each came through, I kinda like gruff old guys. I'd like to find time to start from the start now.
Super!
XO
Vicki
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Hi, Vicki. Thanks so much for saying you enjoyed the chapter. I do try to make each chapter inviting to the new reader, so that means so much! I so appreciate your wonderful review and encouragement, buddy. It's neat we both like gruff older guys, too. hehehehe XXXOOO Bevarooni
Comment from donaldww
Excellent post and interview with a potential witness in what appears to be a rundown part of the city. I like it and find it funny when people name things like their guns, guitars, cars, etc.
I have a suggestion for the first sentence:
Detective Skeets Epstein sidestepped puddlesof water on his way to Frankie Durbin's front door.
(Do you need to tell the reader the puddles are water puddles? What else could they be?)
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Excellent post and interview with a potential witness in what appears to be a rundown part of the city. I like it and find it funny when people name things like their guns, guitars, cars, etc.
I have a suggestion for the first sentence:
Detective Skeets Epstein sidestepped puddles
(Do you need to tell the reader the puddles are water puddles? What else could they be?)
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thanks as always, Donald, for pointint out the obvious. I appreciate the help and generous review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
The detective fund out his piece of information though what good will it do him unless the person pulls up in front of him and confesses. We shall see I guess.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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The detective fund out his piece of information though what good will it do him unless the person pulls up in front of him and confesses. We shall see I guess.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 19-Jan-2013
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Thanks so much, Gungalo. :0) Bev
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Smile.
