Leavened with Love
a stunning rebirth59 total reviews
Comment from Joan E.
I am glad you were inspired by a contest prompt and posted your work for us to enjoy both your research and your storytelling. Your title is very well chosen too and I liked the way you continued to use alliteration to add intensity to the account. What an image your "robed whore" simile created! And you captured the horses behaviors also. Your dialog is very effective as well in telling this powerful tale. -Joan
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
  |
I am glad you were inspired by a contest prompt and posted your work for us to enjoy both your research and your storytelling. Your title is very well chosen too and I liked the way you continued to use alliteration to add intensity to the account. What an image your "robed whore" simile created! And you captured the horses behaviors also. Your dialog is very effective as well in telling this powerful tale. -Joan
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Hi, Joan. Thank you so much for your detailed and very encouraging review. I really appreciate your shared insights - you always have something helpful and wise to offer. Hugs, Bev
-
I always enjoy your writing and am pleased to share my reactions. I am glad you find the feedback helpful. More hugs- Joan
-
I sure do, kind lady. XX
-
Smiles... -J
Comment from bhogg
Hi Bev - I'm certainly familiar with the story, but have never read it in such an entertaining way. I'm on this site to learn ... From you, the natural way that you describe surroundings and smooth pace in which you write. Regards, Bill
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
|
Hi Bev - I'm certainly familiar with the story, but have never read it in such an entertaining way. I'm on this site to learn ... From you, the natural way that you describe surroundings and smooth pace in which you write. Regards, Bill
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Hi, Bill. Thank you for your very kind and encouraging review. I feel the same way about the writers on this site, yourself included. Take care, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
I say it again and again but your attention to detail, gives your stories such a sense of reality. It is like watching a motion picture. Your writing is never encumbered by unnecessary words that stall the forward movement of the story. I was not aware of this tale. Author notes always appreciated. I think it shows a respect for the reader.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
 |
I say it again and again but your attention to detail, gives your stories such a sense of reality. It is like watching a motion picture. Your writing is never encumbered by unnecessary words that stall the forward movement of the story. I was not aware of this tale. Author notes always appreciated. I think it shows a respect for the reader.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Hi, Dallas. What a gracious and encouraging review. I am definitely smiling now! Thanks so much for letting me know what worked for you in this story. That's always so helpful to me and just makes me strive even higher. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Rondeno
Hi, Bev!
I love this. The story in the New Trestament is a little sparse, and you've filled it out with plenty of dramatic detail. Excellent work!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
|
Hi, Bev!
I love this. The story in the New Trestament is a little sparse, and you've filled it out with plenty of dramatic detail. Excellent work!
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Thank so much, Michael. I apprecite your generosity! Xx Bev
Comment from Harv
loved the stroy line the wrting pretty plain
favorite line
"The cart halted alongside the prostrate figure on the ground. Two men alighted and approached. One bent and whispered in the fallen man's ear."
the funny thing is an example of a not so great line comes right after it
"To the amazement of his companions, 'Stipes' allowed himself to be led to the cart without any protest." you seem to have a lot of tell and not show in this story.
"and was thunderstruck" you know alot of words don't need to be involved in sentences to make them work and brevity is key just say "thunderstruck"
"After all, good men had been executed" After all, good men are executed
when you replace the passive speech you get a higher resolution in your writing and reader-ability
"When the healer lifted his hands, the scales were gone "
When the healer lift his hands, the scales fell
"He'd seen Saul of Tarsus on one other occasion and had to agree the man was but a shell of himself." i was going to give an example to fix this sentence but it is a quirky sentence that doesn't have a clear picture.
was weak - weakened
were beginning to wear- just say wear
so you can do this yourself remember, WAS WERE HAD and passive words should be dedicated for use when needed like you are trying to be passive or you are speaking to the past tense
blessings
harv
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
 |
loved the stroy line the wrting pretty plain
favorite line
"The cart halted alongside the prostrate figure on the ground. Two men alighted and approached. One bent and whispered in the fallen man's ear."
the funny thing is an example of a not so great line comes right after it
"To the amazement of his companions, 'Stipes' allowed himself to be led to the cart without any protest." you seem to have a lot of tell and not show in this story.
"and was thunderstruck" you know alot of words don't need to be involved in sentences to make them work and brevity is key just say "thunderstruck"
"After all, good men had been executed" After all, good men are executed
when you replace the passive speech you get a higher resolution in your writing and reader-ability
"When the healer lifted his hands, the scales were gone "
When the healer lift his hands, the scales fell
"He'd seen Saul of Tarsus on one other occasion and had to agree the man was but a shell of himself." i was going to give an example to fix this sentence but it is a quirky sentence that doesn't have a clear picture.
was weak - weakened
were beginning to wear- just say wear
so you can do this yourself remember, WAS WERE HAD and passive words should be dedicated for use when needed like you are trying to be passive or you are speaking to the past tense
blessings
harv
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Interesting perspective.
Comment from turtledove
Wonderful. There are no true words to express the beauty of your writing. It is intense with rich and vibrant accounts of our Christian History mixed with glorious acts. Have you witnessed healings and other miracles? All the best, turtledove.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
|
Wonderful. There are no true words to express the beauty of your writing. It is intense with rich and vibrant accounts of our Christian History mixed with glorious acts. Have you witnessed healings and other miracles? All the best, turtledove.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Thanks so much, turtledove. I really appreciate your encouraging and generous review. Glad you stopped by! Warmest regards, Bev
-
You're Welcome! td
Comment from Gungalo
Pictures flashed before the eyes of Ananias: Saul's body beaten and abused, Saul covered by rats and left to rot in a forgotten hole and, finally, Saul's headless body tumbling to the blood-soaked earth.
Gosh this is good. Biblical and very well written it tells of Jesus Christ and his apostles and what they had to do.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
|
Pictures flashed before the eyes of Ananias: Saul's body beaten and abused, Saul covered by rats and left to rot in a forgotten hole and, finally, Saul's headless body tumbling to the blood-soaked earth.
Gosh this is good. Biblical and very well written it tells of Jesus Christ and his apostles and what they had to do.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Hi, Gungalo. Thank you for your generous and encouraging review. I really appreciate it! :0) Bev
-
Smile girl.
-
Hey, I just did LOL.
Comment from Arth-writis
A nice review of Saul's conversion which is enjoyable to read. I did have difficulty being drawn into the story early on, which is likely related to the "flow". Some of the imagery could have been distracting as it lost the overall focus of the story (i.e. "They touched reverent lips to metal,...").
I liked the desription of Ananias and you captued his vision and subsequent follow through well.
Thank you for taking the time to write this story - wish you all the best!
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
|
A nice review of Saul's conversion which is enjoyable to read. I did have difficulty being drawn into the story early on, which is likely related to the "flow". Some of the imagery could have been distracting as it lost the overall focus of the story (i.e. "They touched reverent lips to metal,...").
I liked the desription of Ananias and you captued his vision and subsequent follow through well.
Thank you for taking the time to write this story - wish you all the best!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2013
-
Thank you.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Loved this one, Bev - a great write!
Very imaginative recreation of the journey to Damascus.
Look forward to more.
donkey-pulled ... suggestion: donkey-drawn
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
|
Loved this one, Bev - a great write!
Very imaginative recreation of the journey to Damascus.
Look forward to more.
donkey-pulled ... suggestion: donkey-drawn
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
-
Hi, R4TS. Hey, I like that suggestion - consider it done :0). Thanks so much for the generous review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
It took quite an imagination to turn this account from the Bible into a ficitonal story of your own. This is a plausible rendition of the details surrounding the story from the original.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
|
It took quite an imagination to turn this account from the Bible into a ficitonal story of your own. This is a plausible rendition of the details surrounding the story from the original.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2013
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2013
-
Thanks so much! Bev
