Curtain Call
So happy to be stuck on you.82 total reviews
Comment from Eliane Rabello
Wow! I didn't see that coming and this kind of twist is simply what I just love in stories. Your writing is superb. In other words, there's not much to be said other than you put together a delightful romance story with a great message. I reserved a spot on this contest and I'm glad I didn't have the guts to post it. It's not just that you'll probably outshine all the others, but that I had more time to savor yours and learn from it.
Bravo!
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Wow! I didn't see that coming and this kind of twist is simply what I just love in stories. Your writing is superb. In other words, there's not much to be said other than you put together a delightful romance story with a great message. I reserved a spot on this contest and I'm glad I didn't have the guts to post it. It's not just that you'll probably outshine all the others, but that I had more time to savor yours and learn from it.
Bravo!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Elaine, don't you dare do that. If you wrote it...post It...You Have nothing to lose, really. I am so happy that you have given me such an exceptional rating and your time is very valuable to be spending reading my work. Bless you and your six stars too. Bob
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Bob, thanks so much for your incentive. Don't worry. I haven't finished it all so I'll post it later this week just as a short story.
Comment from barkingdog
I sort of suspected that the gypsy was his wife. He was just too nice a guy to cheat.
It is very written and the theme is an important one.
We should all make time for those special ones in our lives.
I don't see any corrections. Only one suggestion: maybe name the incense, to take us into the scene a bit more. I looked up this site. It has many different ones. http://www.bodhitree.com/booklists/Incense-Fragrance-History-How-to-Use.html
Best of luck in the contest, Bob.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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I sort of suspected that the gypsy was his wife. He was just too nice a guy to cheat.
It is very written and the theme is an important one.
We should all make time for those special ones in our lives.
I don't see any corrections. Only one suggestion: maybe name the incense, to take us into the scene a bit more. I looked up this site. It has many different ones. http://www.bodhitree.com/booklists/Incense-Fragrance-History-How-to-Use.html
Best of luck in the contest, Bob.
:) ellen
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hi,Ellen. Thanks so much for your time and the suggestion is a good one. However, when I try cut copy and paste the site you list, itwon't work....Can you just suggest a fragrance....I will use it. LOL...Bob
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Try it again, Bob. It popped up fine for me.
I'm trying to write a query letter by midnight to post with 'Gima' to a publisher.
I can help you more tomorrow. You should be able to use this link
http://www.bodhitree.com/booklists/Incense-Fragrance-History-How-to-Use.html
pachuli is a good one though.
Comment from Changeisgood
Bob, I was fooled for a time, but kept wondering why he didn't knock, just went in. But still, I didn't catch on. But I knew it was his wife somewhere before the end. It is a great story of things going right finally. No cheating, although it appears so for some time. I didn't see any typos and wish you the best in this contest. Franny
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Bob, I was fooled for a time, but kept wondering why he didn't knock, just went in. But still, I didn't catch on. But I knew it was his wife somewhere before the end. It is a great story of things going right finally. No cheating, although it appears so for some time. I didn't see any typos and wish you the best in this contest. Franny
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hi, Franny. Long time between talks. LOL...How is that Elore Leonard book coming? Which did you read? Or have you...LOL...Thanks so much for the six stars, too. What a sweet person you are...truly. Bob
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Hi Bob, Too long between..I went to library and they had not a one. I couldn't believe it, but it's true. So, I'll get one at my own library. I know Carol, the librarian has to have several as she's a fiction crime reader of the first order. Which ones did you suggest again. I'm going to library group Tuesday. I do want to dip into Leonard's work. Franny
Comment from Adri7enne
"He felt her shudder as she stroked the hair from her face with the tips of her bright red fingers, then TOSS it back." TOSSED.
"He liked the way she did that. Though it was only a gesture, it aroused him even further." You need to break this up into two sentences. Otherwise you have a run on sentence.
Good twist, Mastery. All the way through the damn story I kept wondering what kind of busy, anal, compulsive man would find time to visit a fortune teller rather than make love to his wife. You got me! Well done. Good sex scene - classy eroticism. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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"He felt her shudder as she stroked the hair from her face with the tips of her bright red fingers, then TOSS it back." TOSSED.
"He liked the way she did that. Though it was only a gesture, it aroused him even further." You need to break this up into two sentences. Otherwise you have a run on sentence.
Good twist, Mastery. All the way through the damn story I kept wondering what kind of busy, anal, compulsive man would find time to visit a fortune teller rather than make love to his wife. You got me! Well done. Good sex scene - classy eroticism. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Thanks so much, Adrienne. I appreciate your suggestions and your time, believe me. Glad you liked it. Blessings. Bob
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Ha! Love it, Bob. Some role-playing. Didn't see that until the end. Great story, ending in Arnie and Mo's fantasy. Sure made the sparks fly!
Excellent entry for the contest, if you'll pardon the pun. LOL!
Av
her face with the tips of her bright red fingers, - fingernails ?
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Ha! Love it, Bob. Some role-playing. Didn't see that until the end. Great story, ending in Arnie and Mo's fantasy. Sure made the sparks fly!
Excellent entry for the contest, if you'll pardon the pun. LOL!
Av
her face with the tips of her bright red fingers, - fingernails ?
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hi, Av. Thanks for the encouraging words and the heads up on the red fingers...LOL...Bless you. Bob
Comment from JW
This was an interesting story. However, about three-fourths through the story I began to highly suspect that the fortune teller was his wife.
You did a good job writing this. JW
You may want to review the following:
In the din his eyes could still make out all forms of clutter, kick-knacks, (nick-knacks)
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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This was an interesting story. However, about three-fourths through the story I began to highly suspect that the fortune teller was his wife.
You did a good job writing this. JW
You may want to review the following:
In the din his eyes could still make out all forms of clutter, kick-knacks, (nick-knacks)
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Thanks, Jonathon. It wasn't really my priority to fool the reader. I knew he or she would catch on pretty quick, but it was a fun scene to write and read anyway, I think. (Got the "n" thanks again. Bob
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh so true and married couples with children do tend to forget to make time for each other. Good luck with the contest.
To the contrary, the couple were very happy and plenty of romance was still woven into the fabric of their marriage. (the couple was, not were because couple is a single unit)
But, then there were Arnie's on-call emergencies from the towing company he drove for. (shouldn't end with a prepostion, probably needs a rewrite)
He wasn't sure if it was her perfume , the incense or the candlelight, but he began to feel lightheaded. (space issue with the comma)
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Oh so true and married couples with children do tend to forget to make time for each other. Good luck with the contest.
To the contrary, the couple were very happy and plenty of romance was still woven into the fabric of their marriage. (the couple was, not were because couple is a single unit)
But, then there were Arnie's on-call emergencies from the towing company he drove for. (shouldn't end with a prepostion, probably needs a rewrite)
He wasn't sure if it was her perfume , the incense or the candlelight, but he began to feel lightheaded. (space issue with the comma)
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hi, Barb. Thanks again for your time and help. I corrected all three issues. Bob
Comment from bluedragon776
Good short story...I Enjoyed it and it kept my interest...sorry But here are a few suggestions.
"In the din his eyes could still make out all forms of clutter, k(n)ick-knacks,"--you forgot the 'n' for the words knick knacks
" he slipped his other hand up under her skirt to her underpants."
It may be sexier if you wrote 'panties' instead of 'underpants'--this word spoiled the mood of the story for a moment.
On the up side---I like this: "wound his clock"
good luck in the contest
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Good short story...I Enjoyed it and it kept my interest...sorry But here are a few suggestions.
"In the din his eyes could still make out all forms of clutter, k(n)ick-knacks,"--you forgot the 'n' for the words knick knacks
" he slipped his other hand up under her skirt to her underpants."
It may be sexier if you wrote 'panties' instead of 'underpants'--this word spoiled the mood of the story for a moment.
On the up side---I like this: "wound his clock"
good luck in the contest
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hi, bluedragon. Yes, you are absolutely right..."panties" is much better. Thanks. So easy to miss things like that and the "n" you know? Thanks for your time and your help...Bob
Comment from Healthyheartpoet
What a great imagination to think up a plot like this. Making time for each other is like watering a plant, to keep it healthy. This is a very creative solution to a time management problem.Bravo!
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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What a great imagination to think up a plot like this. Making time for each other is like watering a plant, to keep it healthy. This is a very creative solution to a time management problem.Bravo!
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much, HHP. (Your real name, if you don't mind is?) I will be watching for your work from now on as well. Blessings...Bob (Mastery)
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You are welcome Mastery, my real name is Fred Hoy, If you google me you will see my dominent presence on the internet. Thanks
Comment from Scornwell
Hey Bob, very good story. Pretty hot stuff there, I forgot to look for mistakes, but I didn't notice any. Nice twist at the end, I wouldn't have seen it coming at all if the contest wasn't about romance. Cheating husbands aren't very romantic. Good luck in the contest.
Steve
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hey Bob, very good story. Pretty hot stuff there, I forgot to look for mistakes, but I didn't notice any. Nice twist at the end, I wouldn't have seen it coming at all if the contest wasn't about romance. Cheating husbands aren't very romantic. Good luck in the contest.
Steve
Comment Written 14-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 14-Oct-2012
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Hi, Steve! Thanks so much for your encouraging words. You always make my day. Bob
